Third time a charm?

[No Limit]

You have no time to loose. Kick her out or leave yourself, whatever you prefer, and file for divorce. Also expose her OM, the thought of that bastard going home from "work" to celebrate Christmas should be much more sickening to you than the thought "Oh but what are we going to do with our gifts?"

 

You fell for a serial cheater, and you'd be a true fool to ever trust her again. Get rid of her and go for co-parenting. You deserve much better.

[Selfish]

Once again, you assume too much and are being quite melodramatic and inferring much too much.

 

And yes, it is sad and a very sad situation for OP and his children, and it's highly possible the kids are more aware of what's going on.

 

If anything I encourage the OP to talk to his kids, he might be surprised that they want to talk but are too worried to say anything.

 

Ah, I seem you can't actually give a clear answer because you don't have one. Do you ever think that perhaps you assume to much yourself? and are also melodramatic?

[Furious]

Ah, I seem you can't actually give a clear answer because you don't have one. Do you ever think that perhaps you assume to much yourself? and are also melodramatic?

 

My posts are quite clear.

[Zenstudent]

A few different perspectives to ad to the discussion:

 

Why do some of you get the idea that it's necessarily about punishing OP's wife? Maybe it's about OP, maybe it's self preserving for OP not to play charade during x-mas. I know from experience that it's close to impossible to act as if nothing happened. Dad will be the one acting weird while his STBXW already knows how to compartmentalize well.

 

Why do you think that the spouse who is in emmediate crisis should also be the one who acts the most mature? What should his response be when his kids ask ""what's the matter, dad?" Should he lie to them?

 

What will it look like after Christmas? Should OP postpone to after new year? Maybe after winter holidays, or maybe easter... my gosh, summer holidays are up. When do you think will be a good time to execute his exit?

[Realist3]

I did not advocate full out destruction and do not put words in my mouth.

 

I believe the kids, which are 18 and 12 are most likely very aware that all is not good with their parents. That most likely they've overheard things and have put two and two together.

 

Children as young as five sense that there's something off about daddy's friend.

 

To assume children are not more aware of and pick up on things in their own family is to be naive.

 

They may know there is discontent, but what you are suggesting and pushing for is full out implosion. There is a distinct difference, my dear.

[Realist3]

Once again, you assume too much and are being quite melodramatic and inferring much too much.

 

And yes, it is sad and a very sad situation for OP and his children, and it's highly possible the kids are more aware of what's going on.

 

If anything I encourage the OP to talk to his kids, he might be surprised that they want to talk but are too worried to say anything.

 

Your posts are quite clear, and they come across as wrong-headed. You are couching your position as thinking for the children, but you, as of yet, have been able to provide one solid piece of evidence that the children would be bettered by your path of choice.

Edited December 22, 2014 by Realist3

[Realist3]

Furious,

 

Answer the simple question: why is today more important than next week?

[Furious]

Oh no, I got what you were trying to say, but it did not in any way speak to the need for immediacy of the action you are suggesting.

 

You are suggesting that by some possible chance they might see mom and dad upset, and instead you are advocating full out destruction, knowing full well the outcome.

 

Ruffled some feathers. It really hits a nerve when the possibility of the children being more observant and aware than some parents wish to admit. I guess that's just too impossible to imagine.

 

And do not put words in my mouth.

[Selfish]

A few different perspectives to ad to the discussion:

 

Why do some of you get the idea that it's necessarily about punishing OP's wife? Maybe it's about OP, maybe it's self preserving for OP not to play charade during x-mas. I know from experience that it's close to impossible to act as if nothing happened. Dad will be the one acting weird while his STBXW already knows how to compartmentalize well.

 

Why do you think that the spouse who is in emmediate crisis should also be the one who acts the most mature? What should his response be when his kids ask ""what's the matter, dad?" Should he lie to them?

 

What will it look like after Christmas? Should OP postpone to after new year? Maybe after winter holidays, or maybe easter... my gosh, summer holidays are up. When do you think will be a good time to execute his exit?

There have been people in this thread who have posted about punishing the WW. And have completely overlooked the fact that in doing so will also punish the children. And just because you would find it impossible to smile for your children in this situation doesn't mean the OP will. He may or may not act weird. Specially if he puts his focus on the children.

 

If his children actually ask him what is up, then of course he shouldn't lie to them. But, there is a difference between telling them of the affair and answering any questions that may come up honestly. Being tactful isn't lying. Nor is waiting a few days to tell.

 

Ideally the mom would have been the mature one and not hooked up with a coworker. but that ship has sailed. Does that give him a free pass to behave selfishly towards his children? because that is what some of the advice is.

[Selfish]

Ruffled some feathers. It really hits a nerve when the possibility of the children being more observant and aware than some parents wish to admit. I guess that's just too impossible to imagine.

 

And do not put words in my mouth.

you keep saying this?

 

I have no ruffled feathers but im also not jaded in this area. my one child was far to young to know even what an affair was.

 

I am young enough to remember when I was twelve. And my parents had some really strained times during their marriage and it DID upset me when they didn't get along. My one brother however noticed little "mom and dad are fighting? huh." when I mentioned it one time. two different people picking up on two different things. BUt I never once thought they were going to divorce or there was an affair (even when I knew what affairs were because my friends mom had one). So yes the kids might know something. But by him telling before Christmas, the might is gone and they WILL know. I just don't see what is so important with being hasty in this.

[Furious]

Furious,

 

Answer the simple question: why is today more important than next week?

 

Where did I say OP should tell the kids ever or at all. Where did I say this week, next week or 1O years from now.

 

It's mind blowing that for some it's inconceivable the kids are smarter than some parents wish to admit.

 

Once again, do not put words in my mouth.

[Selfish]

OP, Your right don't do anything until after Christmas.

 

My kids already suffered this fate years ago and there mom. There mother recently is screwing with them again and ofcourse right at Christmas time. (The xxtch must have it set on a timer). She left the OM to be with a new OM. She then left town two days again and never said good bye to them. They are both feeling the affects of Christmas being ruined all over again.

 

Once the holidays are over with kick her to the curb and never look back.

 

Clay

 

I'm so sorry that your wife was this selfish. That she can't even have waited a few days so your children would see their siblings over Christmas. And for her own children as well. She really has some deep issues. I was selfish and careless with my affair thinking I'd never be caught therefore my child wouldn't be hurt. But I can't fathom justifying an action that would cause such direct and immediate pain. I really, as a mother, think she is extremely damaged.

[Furious]

you keep saying this?

 

I have no ruffled feathers but im also not jaded in this area. my one child was far to young to know even what an affair was.

 

I am young enough to remember when I was twelve. And my parents had some really strained times during their marriage and it DID upset me when they didn't get along. My one brother however noticed little "mom and dad are fighting? huh." when I mentioned it one time. two different people picking up on two different things. BUt I never once thought they were going to divorce or there was an affair (even when I knew what affairs were because my friends mom had one). So yes the kids might know something. But by him telling before Christmas, the might is gone and they WILL know. I just don't see what is so important with being hasty in this.

 

 

where the heck...and please quote...did I ever say he should tell the kids and ruin their Christmas.

 

Once again stop putting words in my mouth.

[Zenstudent]

Furious,

 

Answer the simple question: why is today more important than next week?

It isn't necessarily more important today than next week. But next week is new years eve, is that better? Why?

[Selfish]

Where did I say OP should tell the kids ever or at all. Where did I say this week, next week or 1O years from now.

 

It's mind blowing that for some it's inconceivable the kids are smarter than some parents wish to admit.

 

Once again, do not put words in my mouth.

 

you talk in circles. Seriously. And really make 0 cents. Do you have anything of value to add at all?

 

Kids are smart. That's why I don't think people should stay with a cheater just for the kids. And I am not sure where anyone has said the kids aren't smart.

This whole thread makes me sad. How sad that preserving a holiday, preserving "the happy family image", is forefront in not damaging the children. It's so fake, and kids are more aware than "adults" assume and if anything it's what screws them up more than the truth.

you say the advice of keeping his cool over Christmas is so fake

They know, it will be a fake Christmas.

you think they already know... but that is your own assumption. They may "know" or the may not.

I believe the kids, which are 18 and 12 are most likely very aware that all is not good with their parents. That most likely they've overheard things and have put two and two together.

you already think they have figured out

The kids will play along with the happy Christmas, as most kids who live with dysfunction will do. It's security and fear based and it will leave scars. sometimes the greatest lesson parents teach kids is how to give greater credit to illusion rather than reality.

YOu don't know they have been living with dysfunction. The OP was shocked that his wife was carrying on another affair for this long. it is a big assumption to think otherwise. Also, here you go again getting the illusion in.

Once again, you assume too much and are being quite melodramatic and inferring much too much.

 

I am neither more melodramatic than you have been with your one liner about kids "knowin" nor am I inferring more than you have. We just see things a lot differently.

 

This argument really though is going in circles. No one has disagreed with you that kids CAN be smarter than we think. But no one here knows how much they really have picked up or how things are really going down in that home. They may or may not know how bad things are.

 

But you seem to think they do, end of story and don't allow for the fact you could be wrong.

[Selfish]

It isn't necessarily more important today than next week. But next week is new years eve, is that better? Why?

It can be, depending on the family. new years for us is no big holiday.

 

There is no good time to break the news of divorce to children. It will suck no matter when

 

but there are times that are worse than others. Special holidays and birthdays being two obvious examples.

[elaine567]

I agree basically with Furious.

The only problem with leaving it till after Xmas is that the children are 18 and 12 not 5 and 3.

 

I guess they will know something is up now, right at this moment and can you really guarantee with the stress that usually

surrounds Xmas day and with the presence of alcohol that someone is not going to blurt something out

and the whole day descends into chaos with your kids feeling very left out, and feeling they have been lied to by you too?

If you do leave it till after Xmas, when then? Boxing day, January 1st, January 15th... February...???

 

Personally I would tell the children, there is nothing worse than knowing something is wrong and not knowing what it is.

Unless you are award winning actors, they will suss it out.

Xmas will be ruined anyway.

Parents breaking up is distressing, sugarcoating events around Xmas will not save them from anything.

Once it all comes out that you cannot trust them and you actually hid it from them, it will not do them any favours

[Realist3]

Where did I say OP should tell the kids ever or at all. Where did I say this week, next week or 1O years from now.

 

It's mind blowing that for some it's inconceivable the kids are smarter than some parents wish to admit.

 

Once again, do not put words in my mouth.

 

 

This whole thread makes me sad. How sad that preserving a holiday, preserving "the happy family image", is forefront in not damaging the children. It's so fake, and kids are more aware than "adults" assume and if anything it's what screws them up more than the truth.

 

Kids are more aware of what's happening. They listen, they can see with their own eyes that Dad is not himself and Mom is not herself. Most often kids cannot verbalize it and often internalize their worries and fears. It's a harsh wound when children realize that their security is threatened and that their lives will change and most likely not for the better. They have friends from divorced parents who are shuffled back and forth from place to place and money is tighter now.

 

They know, it will be a fake Christmas.

 

Seems to me that several people took your words the same way as I did.

 

If we misunderstood, then clarify. You said it went over my head. What exactly flew over my head?

[Realist3]

It isn't necessarily more important today than next week. But next week is new years eve, is that better? Why?

 

Seems like everyone got my point. Furious, stop backpeddling.

[absentpresence]

WOW! I am overwhelmed with the responses to my post and never expected this type of response. Firstly, thank you everyone for your perspectives. Secondly, some have asked how I found out. I tried to keep the original post somewhat short because it will be a short story by the time I explain everything that has transpired but I will try and close some loose ends for those interested.

 

 

I want to start off my commenting on a post about manning up and being "needy" and all of that. I love my wife and I was raised with solid morals and values. She is a very attractive and beautiful woman on the outside and I reminded her of that everyday. I also encouraged and motivated her by telling her smart she is and encouraged her with her work and so forth so not all comments were about looks. I have always and still do believe that strong support at home is the foundation of a good family. I look at my parents, my grandparents (married for over 50 years) and what it is that keeps them strong. Open and honest communication. Nothing more. They are true to themselves and each other. I will agree with his last comment that I've had two helpings of $%it and I'm not eager to go for a third. Putting it that way helped put all of this into perspective more clearly and I thank you for that. I'm certainly not ugly and I'm not worried about finding someone else - I truly loved my wife as if we were one and remained committed to her. Big mistake.

 

 

Now for the crumby stuff. The first time she had an affair, she wasn't very good at concealing it. She would stay out late for drinks with "friends" after work, and one night she went out and I called her, she hung up on me and didn't answer her phone. You just get this feeling and it never passed. It took a lot for her to finally come clean as mentioned earlier.

 

 

The second time was VERY similar to the first but she did not stay out after work or anything like that. She went out to party with her coworkers, didn't answer her phone, when she did, she hung up on me. When I drove around looking for her, found her walking on the street alone with her belt undone and pant button undone. She claimed that her friend helped her use the bathroom all night because she was so drunk. I'm not stupid and figured something was up but no proof. That feeling never subsided.

 

 

Over the last month, she has been really pushing to have another baby. I told her this weekend that if she wanted another baby with me, she was going to have lay all of her skeletons on the table because I knew something was up. I think it was eating at her too because over the course of 6 hours and many many lies, she confessed to what I have wrote. I am certain there is more than she has given me, I have a feeling she wanted more from Mr.Married and he ended it - leaving her here.

 

 

You're all right that kids aren't stupid and my kids are pretty smart. My SO already told our oldest daughter that she messed up really bad and explained to her in a nutshell what happened. My oldest is very disappointed and probably very confused about what comes next for her. I had a good conversation with her about whether she wants to stay or go with her mom. My oldest has never once said to me that I am not her father or anything along those lines. She knows she is my daughter too. When it comes down to it, my SO is her mother and she will likely go that way even though she doesn't support the decisions she has made.

 

 

As for my youngest, she is aware something is up but not completely sure what. I am going to discuss this with her before Christmas because as much as I want to hold off, she is aware something is up.

 

 

I've spoken to my family and my parents will host Christmas. My mom is devastated her "perfect" family isn't perfect and her perfect "daughter" isn't going to be around for Christmas. My mom thought the world of her. My dad and siblings are in disbelief. I have taken all of the presents to her from me and will be returning them - this is going to be a very expensive split and any money that can be saved will need to be.

 

 

My SO is very aware that I am not interested in remaining in a relationship with her. She is very persistent that she is not giving up on us and will try immensely to prove to me that she loves and cares about me. The thing is, I was raised to understand that people who love each other don't hurt each other like this. If she truly loved me, she would not have been able to do something like this with a conscious mind.

 

 

Thanks again for all of your comments, words of encouragement, advice, and support. It makes me happy to know that there are people out there with similar morals and values to that I was raised with.

[elaine567]

WOW! I am overwhelmed with the responses to my post and never expected this type of response. Firstly, thank you everyone for your perspectives. Secondly, some have asked how I found out. I tried to keep the original post somewhat short because it will be a short story by the time I explain everything that has transpired but I will try and close some loose ends for those interested.

 

 

I want to start off my commenting on a post about manning up and being "needy" and all of that. I love my wife and I was raised with solid morals and values. She is a very attractive and beautiful woman on the outside and I reminded her of that everyday. I also encouraged and motivated her by telling her smart she is and encouraged her with her work and so forth so not all comments were about looks. I have always and still do believe that strong support at home is the foundation of a good family. I look at my parents, my grandparents (married for over 50 years) and what it is that keeps them strong. Open and honest communication. Nothing more. They are true to themselves and each other. I will agree with his last comment that I've had two helpings of $%it and I'm not eager to go for a third. Putting it that way helped put all of this into perspective more clearly and I thank you for that. I'm certainly not ugly and I'm not worried about finding someone else - I truly loved my wife as if we were one and remained committed to her. Big mistake.

 

 

Now for the crumby stuff. The first time she had an affair, she wasn't very good at concealing it. She would stay out late for drinks with "friends" after work, and one night she went out and I called her, she hung up on me and didn't answer her phone. You just get this feeling and it never passed. It took a lot for her to finally come clean as mentioned earlier.

 

 

The second time was VERY similar to the first but she did not stay out after work or anything like that. She went out to party with her coworkers, didn't answer her phone, when she did, she hung up on me. When I drove around looking for her, found her walking on the street alone with her belt undone and pant button undone. She claimed that her friend helped her use the bathroom all night because she was so drunk. I'm not stupid and figured something was up but no proof. That feeling never subsided.

 

 

Over the last month, she has been really pushing to have another baby. I told her this weekend that if she wanted another baby with me, she was going to have lay all of her skeletons on the table because I knew something was up. I think it was eating at her too because over the course of 6 hours and many many lies, she confessed to what I have wrote. I am certain there is more than she has given me, I have a feeling she wanted more from Mr.Married and he ended it - leaving her here.

 

 

You're all right that kids aren't stupid and my kids are pretty smart. My SO already told our oldest daughter that she messed up really bad and explained to her in a nutshell what happened. My oldest is very disappointed and probably very confused about what comes next for her. I had a good conversation with her about whether she wants to stay or go with her mom. My oldest has never once said to me that I am not her father or anything along those lines. She knows she is my daughter too. When it comes down to it, my SO is her mother and she will likely go that way even though she doesn't support the decisions she has made.

 

 

As for my youngest, she is aware something is up but not completely sure what. I am going to discuss this with her before Christmas because as much as I want to hold off, she is aware something is up.

 

 

I've spoken to my family and my parents will host Christmas. My mom is devastated her "perfect" family isn't perfect and her perfect "daughter" isn't going to be around for Christmas. My mom thought the world of her. My dad and siblings are in disbelief. I have taken all of the presents to her from me and will be returning them - this is going to be a very expensive split and any money that can be saved will need to be.

 

 

My SO is very aware that I am not interested in remaining in a relationship with her. She is very persistent that she is not giving up on us and will try immensely to prove to me that she loves and cares about me. The thing is, I was raised to understand that people who love each other don't hurt each other like this. If she truly loved me, she would not have been able to do something like this with a conscious mind.

 

 

Thanks again for all of your comments, words of encouragement, advice, and support. It makes me happy to know that there are people out there with similar morals and values to that I was raised with.

 

I am very glad your children are/will be aware of what is going on, it is the right thing to do.

I am so sad for you and your family, but you appear to be in control. Well done.

[Furious]

you talk in circles. Seriously. And really make 0 cents. Do you have anything of value to add at all?

 

Kids are smart. That's why I don't think people should stay with a cheater just for the kids. And I am not sure where anyone has said the kids aren't smart.

 

you say the advice of keeping his cool over Christmas is so fake

 

you think they already know... but that is your own assumption. They may "know" or the may not.

 

you already think they have figured out

 

YOu don't know they have been living with dysfunction. The OP was shocked that his wife was carrying on another affair for this long. it is a big assumption to think otherwise. Also, here you go again getting the illusion in.

 

 

I am neither more melodramatic than you have been with your one liner about kids "knowin" nor am I inferring more than you have. We just see things a lot differently.

 

This argument really though is going in circles. No one has disagreed with you that kids CAN be smarter than we think. But no one here knows how much they really have picked up or how things are really going down in that home. They may or may not know how bad things are.

 

But you seem to think they do, end of story and don't allow for the fact you could be wrong.

 

 

The big picture is not about Christmas, and you fail to see that. You go on on and on, talking about punishment even morbidly mentioning suicide and cannot see beyond that an 18 year old and 12 year old will not see that Christmas was fake because mom and Dad split up on December 26, or Jan. 2nd.

 

Children are humans, they are not just bit players in a family. The are smart and either before or during or after Christmas they will figure it out and that's what is really sad.

 

I did not, and have not advised OP in anyway, he will do what he feels is best. Just feel sad for him and his kids.

[Selfish]

WOW! I am overwhelmed with the responses to my post and never expected this type of response. Firstly, thank you everyone for your perspectives. Secondly, some have asked how I found out. I tried to keep the original post somewhat short because it will be a short story by the time I explain everything that has transpired but I will try and close some loose ends for those interested.

 

 

I want to start off my commenting on a post about manning up and being "needy" and all of that. I love my wife and I was raised with solid morals and values. She is a very attractive and beautiful woman on the outside and I reminded her of that everyday. I also encouraged and motivated her by telling her smart she is and encouraged her with her work and so forth so not all comments were about looks. I have always and still do believe that strong support at home is the foundation of a good family. I look at my parents, my grandparents (married for over 50 years) and what it is that keeps them strong. Open and honest communication. Nothing more. They are true to themselves and each other. I will agree with his last comment that I've had two helpings of $%it and I'm not eager to go for a third. Putting it that way helped put all of this into perspective more clearly and I thank you for that. I'm certainly not ugly and I'm not worried about finding someone else - I truly loved my wife as if we were one and remained committed to her. Big mistake.

 

 

Now for the crumby stuff. The first time she had an affair, she wasn't very good at concealing it. She would stay out late for drinks with "friends" after work, and one night she went out and I called her, she hung up on me and didn't answer her phone. You just get this feeling and it never passed. It took a lot for her to finally come clean as mentioned earlier.

 

 

The second time was VERY similar to the first but she did not stay out after work or anything like that. She went out to party with her coworkers, didn't answer her phone, when she did, she hung up on me. When I drove around looking for her, found her walking on the street alone with her belt undone and pant button undone. She claimed that her friend helped her use the bathroom all night because she was so drunk. I'm not stupid and figured something was up but no proof. That feeling never subsided.

 

 

Over the last month, she has been really pushing to have another baby. I told her this weekend that if she wanted another baby with me, she was going to have lay all of her skeletons on the table because I knew something was up. I think it was eating at her too because over the course of 6 hours and many many lies, she confessed to what I have wrote. I am certain there is more than she has given me, I have a feeling she wanted more from Mr.Married and he ended it - leaving her here.

 

 

You're all right that kids aren't stupid and my kids are pretty smart. My SO already told our oldest daughter that she messed up really bad and explained to her in a nutshell what happened. My oldest is very disappointed and probably very confused about what comes next for her. I had a good conversation with her about whether she wants to stay or go with her mom. My oldest has never once said to me that I am not her father or anything along those lines. She knows she is my daughter too. When it comes down to it, my SO is her mother and she will likely go that way even though she doesn't support the decisions she has made.

 

 

As for my youngest, she is aware something is up but not completely sure what. I am going to discuss this with her before Christmas because as much as I want to hold off, she is aware something is up.

 

 

I've spoken to my family and my parents will host Christmas. My mom is devastated her "perfect" family isn't perfect and her perfect "daughter" isn't going to be around for Christmas. My mom thought the world of her. My dad and siblings are in disbelief. I have taken all of the presents to her from me and will be returning them - this is going to be a very expensive split and any money that can be saved will need to be.

 

 

My SO is very aware that I am not interested in remaining in a relationship with her. She is very persistent that she is not giving up on us and will try immensely to prove to me that she loves and cares about me. The thing is, I was raised to understand that people who love each other don't hurt each other like this. If she truly loved me, she would not have been able to do something like this with a conscious mind.

 

 

Thanks again for all of your comments, words of encouragement, advice, and support. It makes me happy to know that there are people out there with similar morals and values to that I was raised with.

I was worried your wife (seems like she likes to be in control) would take things into her own hands and spill the beans early. I still think it would have been better to have waited a few days but I realize when people are in a crisis it is hard to see past the current pain and to the fact a few more days would not have caused any harm. I am sorry you are going through this. Stay in your step daughters life even if she goes with her mom. You can still hang out with her. She is almost an adult anyways. I doubt she will cut you out. And as long as you don't ask her to choose between the two of you then I am sure you will be around to see grandbabies by her.

 

About the praising your wife. I think it was the excess of it. if someone hears the same thing too often they will grow numb to it and it loses it's meaning. And I also think people noticed you said not one single thing that she did for you. so from your posts it seemed like a one sided marriage.

 

and one sided marriages have a bad tendency to fail. infidelity or not. So if it was heavily one sided the praise and gifts and so forth, take that into consideration for future relationships. Relationships should be both people putting in.

[Selfish]

The big picture is not about Christmas, and you fail to see that. You go on on and on, talking about punishment even morbidly mentioning suicide and cannot see beyond that an 18 year old and 12 year old will not see that Christmas was fake because mom and Dad split up on December 26, or Jan. 2nd.

 

Children are humans, they are not just bit players in a family. The are smart and either before or during or after Christmas they will figure it out and that's what is really sad.

 

I did not, and have not advised OP in anyway, he will do what he feels is best. Just feel sad for him and his kids.

 

This is my last post to you. the op has already done what he felt needed to be done. I already mentioned why I mentioned suicide. BUt you seem to like to put words in my mouth. I wasn't suggesting anyone in the family was suicide. I was saying Christmas can be emotionally charged compared to other times of year. Are you hard of reading? or do you just like to twist my words.

 

and now you are putting words in my mouth. I said there were people who were suggesting "punishment" actions towards his wife. And so I personally said, that his actions shouldn't be about punishing her.

 

why don't you get over yourself, you make 0 sense in your circles.

 

*and now who is making assumptions of me by saying "the children aren't players"

[Furious]

 

 

 

You're all right that kids aren't stupid and my kids are pretty smart. My SO already told our oldest daughter that she messed up really bad and explained to her in a nutshell what happened. My oldest is very disappointed and probably very confused about what comes next for her. I had a good conversation with her about whether she wants to stay or go with her mom. My oldest has never once said to me that I am not her father or anything along those lines. She knows she is my daughter too. When it comes down to it, my SO is her mother and she will likely go that way even though she doesn't support the decisions she has made.

 

 

As for my youngest, she is aware something is up but not completely sure what. I am going to discuss this with her before Christmas because as much as I want to hold off, she is aware something is up.

 

 

I've spoken to my family and my parents will host Christmas. My mom is devastated her "perfect" family isn't perfect and her perfect "daughter" isn't going to be around for Christmas. My mom thought the world of her. My dad and siblings are in disbelief. I have taken all of the presents to her from me and will be returning them - this is going to be a very expensive split and any money that can be saved will need to be.

 

 

My SO is very aware that I am not interested in remaining in a relationship with her. She is very persistent that she is not giving up on us and will try immensely to prove to me that she loves and cares about me. The thing is, I was raised to understand that people who love each other don't hurt each other like this. If she truly loved me, she would not have been able to do something like this with a conscious mind.

 

 

Thanks again for all of your comments, words of encouragement, advice, and support. It makes me happy to know that there are people out there with similar morals and values to that I was raised with.

 

 

So glad you're communicating with and being open with your kids. For sure kids are more aware and sensitive than given credit for. You are a great dad and I'm sure will always be a great dad.