My boyfriend's roomie- a girl

[2close4comfort]

Here's my problem:

I have a boyfriend whom I dated for nearly two years. We got along great, we had our freakouts and such but generally we had a really loving relationship. We were still in college so we hadn't gotten to move-in-together seriousness or anything. At the end of the summer I left on an exchange for a semester and we decided to break up since neither of us really knew what would happen and didn't want to do the long-distance thing. The entire time I was away I thought of him lovingly and dreamed of coming home to him, finally getting a place together, etc. In the meantime, he moved with a couple of friends (one of them female) to an apartment. I didn't know the girl he was moving in with, so it freaked me out a little, I was thinking What if they're together, blah blah blah and I started worrying that when I came back he wouldn't be mine anymore.

 

The week before my return I was under a lot of stress from school and other circumstances and I finally didn't want to worry about him anymore, so I cracked. We talked online, and I basically attacked him about his apartment and asked him if he loved me anymore, he said he didn't know, we both cried and decided to talk about it in person when I got back.

 

So I get home to find that he's apparently really bonded with this roomate of his friendship-wise, strange since he's only known her a few months and it usually takes him a really long time to trust anybody. I go to a party at his place and they're all buddy-buddy, he's got his arm around her, etc. It really annoys me and I decide not to avoid him, especially since from what I can tell they would be really good together if they were dating and it makes me really sad. A few weeks later, he professed his love for me, that he actually had really missed me and wanted me back. I told him I'd think about it, and later that week we were back together again.

 

I couldn't do what I wanted and move in with him because of the Girl (their other roomate moved out shortly after I came back), so I moved to an apartment down the road to be as close to him as I could. It still really bothered me how close he was to the other girl though, because when we were broken up he'd told her everything about us and whenever I went over I had to deal with the fact that this woman I barely know knows all my boy's secrets about me. They also act very much like he and I did when we were just friends, and it worried me that if they were thisclose now, things could progress. Every time I went to his place, I would be confronted with their little inside jokes and perfectly similar interests and be really paranoid that someday he would wise up and date her since they were obviously better together. When I told him about this, he confessed that after I'd come back but before we got back together, he and his roomate had gotten drunk and kissed but that it was really me he loved, and he had chosen me over her even though they had had a chance together. It was kind of a touching thing to say but actually pretty annoying to me, because now every time I'd go over and see them together I'd get this mental image of them drunkenly making out.

 

I know my boyfriend loves me dearly and for the most part I trust him, but this woman has usurped almost every role I ever had in this man's life (best friend, confidant, makeout partner) and even one I didn't ever have but was secretly vying for (roomate). I love him but his roomie is really cramping my style. What should I do?

[LucreziaBorgia]

What to do? Understand this:

 

he and his roomate had gotten drunk and kissed

 

They can't unkiss. They crossed a line, and it changed the dynamic between them. Once you cross a certain line, it becomes an 'ok' comfort zone. Does that mean it led to anything else, or that it will? Maybe not. But it won't change the fact that their bond now includes a certain familiar intimacy that won't be forgotten or backtracked. It may even escalate, or have gone further than you realize.

 

There are only a few options: ask him to move out (or have him ask her to move out depending on whose lease it is, and all that stuff) and if he refuses or gives you a hard time about it: then either leave the relationship or accept it on these terms.

[Cecelius]

Did I miss it or didn't you say that you two had broken up, formally, before you went away? Perhaps the long distance thing would have been better.

[2close4comfort]

Yes, we had broken up, but I can't undo that now. The best I can hope for is that he's being honest with me about this, needless to say it is hard at times. How do I know they never slept together? All I've got is his word, and I hope it's good.

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Ok, here is what I am hearing:

 

You guys broke up when you went away. He got involved with the female roommate (now as far as that goes, you two broke up, and he technically did nothing wrong there - and if they got drunk and made out, who knows what happened, but like I said, you and he were broken up at the time).

 

What I have some trouble with is this. He was sharing an apartment with two other college students, the female roommate who is your competition, and some other guy, correct? One of those other two students (not the female roommate) moved out, leaving two sharing the apartment that three were sharing, and leaving your guy sharing the apartment with just the female roommate. Ok, it sounds like they need a third, right? I mean, if he is being honest with her that you two are together now, and if there is in fact nothing more between them other than purely platonic friendship, that shouldn't be a problem, right? But he can't let you move in because of the female room mate, even though they are just friends at this point, and he has professed his love for you and not her??? Hmmmm. Am I missing something? Maybe there is a rule against swapping out roommates if it is subsidized student housing, or something. If not, how have you come to understand this inconsistency?

[klandes]

I can totally relate to this from both sides. All i can say, all couples should stay away from opposite sex roommies. Especially if they're all attractive, which is what's going with my case, my guy roommate came on to me one night and i was just barely sober that i slowly turned away. We had an open talk about how we should not hook up with the people we live in, because it would only bring chaos, and he agreed. It's just so hard though, sometimes i'll get into a fight with my bf, and my roommate would be there with a joint handy and just another shoulder to cry on. We're good buddies now, and we could both feel something more than that at times, even though we know it's out of boundaries. I love my bf, and i wanna keep my loyalty and move out as soon as my lease is up. My bf asked me to move in with him, and i'm carefully thinking about it, but deep down it's what i'd wanna do, rather than see him with a girl roommate again.

 

Having experience all this, it is truly different for girls, i know i can control myself even though temptation slaps once in a while, however, without a doubt, guys are most likely to fall for any sign of seduction from a girl.

If i'd known my BF hooked up with his girl roommie, and she'd still be living there, i don't think i could handle it. What makes you think it didn't go further than that. You were on a break, so it wouldn't be call cheating, but it's still shady and i'm sure he truly cares about you and doesn't wanna hurt you. If he loves you, he'd share his future plans with you about getting a new roommate or moving out himself. And that should be as soon as possible, or else tell him you'll get your own guy roommate. It worked for me when my bf said it to me, believe me.

But until then, try to spend as much time over at his pad as you can, then soon you'll know if there's actually some jealousy from HER side.

 

klandestine

[2close4comfort]

I've actually had that conversation with him, the "where is our future going" thing...his roomate might move out at the end of the summer to go to this school in the UK and he has said he has "no problem" with me moving in (he's not the type of guy to extend a formal invitation to do so, but it's still a bit insulting, like he doesn't care if we ever live together or not). I've asked him if he'd be willing to move when the lease is up, he says that moving to him is a big life decision, like removing a limb, and that he'd think about it but has no idea whether he'd be ready to move out of his place. On the other hand, he really doesn't seem to care much who his roomate is as long as the rent is being paid, though I know he would feel really bad about kicking her out, and so would I but it would solve the problem. I think the worst thing about all of it is that I really have nothing against this girl personally, I can't possibly hate her for any of this because I know she didn't do it on purpose. It just annoys me that my boyfriend can't seem to say whether he pictures me in his future or not. It's almost enough to make me want to remove that option for him.

[Cecelius]

So this isn't really a scandal-type post at all (since he didn't cheat on you), it's more of a "his ex/short term fling still lives with him; is he moving on" type of post?

 

It sounds like he's a pretty nonchalant guy and that you might get a little emotional at times -- I'm not sure, and I'm not sure it matters. I can't tell how long you've been back together (bear in mind that for a man, the "where are we going" clock re-started when you got back together, not when you originally dated) either.

 

However, I do agree that in the context of your current, exclusive relationship, him intentionally living with another woman that he hooked up with is not okay. It's not because it wounds you or makes you sad, it's just wrong.

 

So Iwould calmly explain to him that in the ordinary course, she needs to move out. Where you guys go from there is a different issue.

[2close4comfort]

Thanks for all the advice. For some reason I can't help being paranoid that he likes her more than he lets on, or will cheat on me with her...I know it's irrational though, the man is completely smitten with me. Am I wrong to have my doubts? Am I mistrusting him for no reason? And how do I stop?