lonely heart????

[curly]

 

Not sure if the icon made it's way, but sometimes I wonder if anyone starts crying from a movie, commercial, song.... whatever & just starts crying. When I most truly don't want to cry for the MM. I just start crying. - OK hard to admit, eventually get fetal and just cry.

 

I am alone here?

 

Just a lonely heart, crying out to be heard....

[WithOrWithoutYou]

Everybody deals with that in their own way. I go driving, or go for a very long walk. It's nothing to be ashamed of to miss someone you love so much, but if you find yourself crying all the time, you might want to take stock of where you really are in the relationship, and decide if it is really worth even thinking about continuing. I know it hurts, but you may need to truly move on if you can't help crying all the time, and/or if you are seriously doubting he is going to leave the W, if it is starting to take a toll on your emotional health. I know it's hard (trust me, I know), but you have to look out for your own feelings, because so often, that other person we love, just won't do it.

[izzybelle]

curly,

 

i don't remember how long it's been since things ended with your MM but yes, i spent the first few months after the split crying over the stupidest things. a song, a scene in a show, so many things sent me off the end. it will pass and get better with time. don't get me wrong, i still have moments when i miss talking to him, seeing him, but i do find those feelings slowly changing. it's no longer an all consuming feeling. and while there are still times when i feel the tears start to sting my eyes it's not so bad any more. i don't dissolve into a sobbing puddle.

 

there was a hotel that MM and i stayed at, really the last time we were together happily. i saw him a few times after that, but it was after W found out and things were really stressed. anyway, my fastest way to work takes me near there and i can see it clearly in the distance. for a while, i went a different way to work, i found if i'd see the sign i'd simply end up in tears and spend the rest of my day at work, a mess. i can now drive that way and while it's still a bittersweet feeling, i find i can smile about the memory of the wonderful time that we had there and not feel so much sadness for the hurt that ended up happening after that. there are still songs i don't want to listen to, but instead of feeling that i wanted to listen to them because they still made me feel close to him, i just change the station.

 

it's a long road to recovery, and i know i'm not completely there yet. but time does heal. i just wish it didn't take soooooo long.

 

hang in there, you'll make it through this. the memories of MM may never completely go away but in time there will be other happy ones for you that will be first and foremost in your mind. he will find his place in those parts of your brain and your heart that will interfere less and less with your daily life. it's taking me a lot longer to get to that place than i would like, but slowly, i'm getting there and you will too!

 

hugs

izzy

[sami]

That's really true. Just be patient, firm and persistent. You'll eventaully win yourself back.

[Owl]

You all know that I've NOT been on your side of things, but I did want to say I can really, really sympathize with how you feel. Regardless of how the relationship started, or what the other factors were, at the end of it all, it's still hard dealing with the end of a relationship with someone special. You still have to deal with that loss, and that sucks. But I would like to add this...hang in there. Hopefully what you're going through now is the prelude to something better!

[ww]

ha! i don`t cry anymore....i just get really angry ( form time to time ) and i keep opening my eyes everday more and more...

[liswil]

I do the same thing. Lately I've been crying about it a lot. I think about how great his wife has it, etc.. I know that's probably stupid to think that because she's living with a guy who has deceived her (she doesn't know) and I know that when I lived with a guy who deceived me, it wasn't any good. Funny thing is, the public couldn't tell it wasn't good and he and I often convinced ourselves our relationship was doing good. But if you get down to it, it really isn't a good relationship.

 

And this is true both before and after I knew he was cheating. Before the person knows, there is constant doubt, insecurity and distance. And confusion because they could be buying you flowers one minute and calling someone else the next.

After you know, there's anger and feeling like you've been made the fool. And then more anger.

 

 

So, I don't see how these couples could truly have a good relationship---unless the MM confesses to his wife, shows remorse and shows he's changed. But most of them don't. Most of them don't tell. And things might get better between the MM and their wife for awhile but I think the relationships problems keep coming back to the surface.

[liswil]

Owl--I know yours worked out but I don't mean situations like yours. In many cases, the MM or MW doesn't tell the spouse.

Also, even in situations where that does happen, it still is a hard road that a lot of couples can't handle. It worked in yours but I've seen many where it didn't.

[lynnered]

i am unable to cry anymore ,

i think I've become unemotional,

my eyes may water sometimes ,

but thats about it,

oprah used to make me cry,no more,

i am angry inside ,at me not him, or anybody else,

but thats OK i think its protection ,

i am working through my emotions ,

i think situation with XMM,sucked that out of me ,

but i am aware & working through it ,

trying to find the old me ,

i will these things take time!!

we all go through these things differently,

i want to scream sometimes!!

but i cant at work,id get some time off though!!

at home i have neighbors LOL

anyway it will get better in the past when breaking up with him ,i did do the crying thing ,i guess i got it all out at some point ,it gets old ,

you will get to that point,i hope where you see ,that you are not as unhappy by yourself ,without the stress of situation ,

cry it all out ,and let it go!!

writing helped me alot,i cant even write no more (in journal),cause i wrote so much,LOL

and if you think of calling him ,reread that stuff ,you'll be sooo pissed you wont call!!

goodluck

any change,even a change for the better,

is always accompanied by setbacks.

[sami]

Well, that happens alot to as many of us as anyone may imagine. That's an end of a phase to start a new beginning. We only need to know our limits.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by sami

Well, that happens alot to as many of us as anyone may imagine. That's an end of a phase to start a new beginning. We only need to know our limits.

 

know our limits, not to let that hold us back but to crush them!!

i think of spring as a new beginning ,

so much i want to do don't know where to start !!!

I'm thinking of going to school for something that wont benefit ($$$$$$) ,

i make more at current job then i would doing that as a career ,but i have a passion for what i may go to school for ,

Choices ,Choices !!

i have a house i bought 6 months ago to do so much too!!

but need $$$

so I'm about to have to much on my plate for a year or more &you know what ,

I'm scared &excited i know i can do this!!

i work well under pressure!!

I've been lazy lately, feeling depressed ,still a little sad ,but i know its getting better as more time passes ,

and i learned alot ,about me ,about men

and the worst thing is the 4years i wasted ,stressed ,depressed ,living my life for this guy ,i am angry at me ,that too ,will go away as long as i don't waste anymore time ,

my new beginning is starting i hope curly you find this !!

what does not kill us makes us stronger?

[curly]

Thanks for your replies. I am having a hard time. And I've fallen off the wagon several times in the last couple of weeks. I'm not really sure which way is up but I'm swimming anyway. Well, treading water at least.

 

I have a situation with my XHusband. Basically, unknown to MM, I've been with XH during our A and contemplating that reconciliation. XH wants it. I'm not sure. MM does know now that he's in the OM position. Don't think he likes it too much. But I'm taking some time to feel my way through that. Decide what I will do with XH before deciding any big life decisions. So, MM has asked me to decide that once and for all. XH & I have been back & forth for 10 years. And I do need to deal with it. For myself.

 

There have been some promises made by MM but I take them with a grain of salt.

 

Anyway, just good to know that 1) everyone breaks down and 2) you can get out of it. Time, the only healer? I wish there was a pill....

[Owl]

Lis-

 

I totally agree...a lot of couples DON'T make it through an affair. It's absolutely the most devastating thing that can be done to a relationship, bar none.

 

I think (just my opinion) that the differences between the marriages that survive an affair and those that don't are pretty much dependent upon two things:

 

1. The marriage had to have a good foundation to begin with. If the couple was truly NEVER happy in the first place, then they've got nothing to build from. They can't look back and say "wow, we were awesome then...I want to get back to that".

 

2. The couple has to identify the causes of the affair, and work on them. That means both individual problems (like sex addiction, depression, etc...) and relationship problems (inability to meet each others emotional needs, opposite parenting styles, etc...).

 

The marriages that survive usually have both of these factors working for them. Those that don't typically lack one or the other, or both.

 

They CAN get to where they have a good relationship...providing both parties are willing to do the work to make it happen. Part of the problem is that often the kind of person who is willing to step out and cheat on their spouse is NOT the kind of person who is willing to put effort into their relationship...or they would have done so already.

 

Just my thoughts.

[sami]

That's really true.

[sami]

In almost all not just most cases.

[ww]

usually the don`t tell .they get caught and in the end they admit ( not always)

but in some cases ...yes they admit without being discovered..my guess: bc is to hard to carry the guilt .( rare cases )

[Owl]

Originally posted by sami

In almost all not just most cases.

 

 

I agree...they don't normally tell the spouse...until they're caught, or until something else causes them to reveal it to the spouse. But the spouse almost always finds out eventually...sometimes its years down the road, but they do find out in the vast majority of cases. Something as huge as an affair is a hard secret to keep...and the guilt that goes with it can become a very heavy load for some.

 

During the affair, it's often hard for the MM/MW to really hide that something is going on. The BS usually picks up on something...and if it goes on long enough, or gets bad enough, they eventually start snooping and find it out. At that point, the MM/MW usually continues to lie until hit with the proof...and then they try to lie to minimize what it was and minimize the impact to their situation. It often takes a long time for the whole truth to come out...and often, the WHOLE truth may not ever be revealed.

 

It's a lot less common where the MM/MW actually feels enough guilt to tell their spouse...unless they've already been dumped by the OM/OW and the MM/MW finally starts to come to their senses about what they've done to their lives and their marriage.

[sami]

You shouldn't. Try your best to get over it. It will pass through time and efforts from your side.

[lynnered]

Originally posted by sami

That's really true.

and looking back on any relationship,

it hurt when it ended if i ended it still hurt ,if he ended it ,

the only difference with XMM ,i feel like he ended it,

when i actually did ,because i still love him ,

i used to think OK we love each other so it will work out he will leave ,

i never heard anybody say life is easy ,

he says he loves me to this day he emails IMS,

you know what who gives a F***,

just because we love someone &even if they love us too ,

other factors play into things ,

but in the MM situation ,after its over wasting all this time crying ?

why ,didn't you waste enough time with him?

it does make you stronger ,

when i think about all the little things i went without,meeting friends,being taken out ,being a "secret",

it gives me strength because, now i know what i will &will not accept,

that i walked away from someone who i felt was perfect for me(except for that wife thing ) ,

yet I'm still here ,I'm not ready for someone else yet ,but i know that day will come ,

if you sit at home crying thinking negative thats all you will get !!

please cheer up !!!