Strange situation with my ex...don't know what to make of it. Kind of long.

[zvtxs]

I dated my ex girlfriend for a year and we lived together roughly 4 years ago. During that time everything was great, our relationship was loving. We deeply cared about each other. She would just be distant at times. She would be there but not there when we would hang out. I would end up taking this as a sign she didn't care, so I would act out to see if she had any feelings. Which obviously was the wrong thing to do. I was young and immature. We eventually separated.

 

About a year after we separated she attempted to contact me. She told me that it was a mistake breaking up etc. I had a girlfriend at the time. We talked for about a week after contact, on and off. She ended up stopping all contact again. Another year went by and she tried to contact me again. This time we hung out. To my surprise the feelings I had for her were still there. She said she felt the same way. We ended up cuddling and holding each other. We both told each other how much we missed just being together. The next day she cut all contact. After a few days I asked her what the deal was. She told me we would never get back together and to stop talking to her. Which I did. That was my closure for the relationship. I was content not being with her. I always knew that she would just be someone that i'd always care for and that was that.

 

Two years later, a month ago, she contact me again. She told me that for the last year shes been trying to get a hold of me. I don't have facebook or any social media so she told me she has been asking my old friends on and off until she found one i still talk to. She told me that she realized i'm the love of her life and that shes never stopped caring about me. She told me that she originally broke up with me because her friends and family pressured her to do so and that it was a mistake. She told me that she also felt overwhelmed because she cared about me so deeply that it scared her. She didn't want to end up hurt. She said she felt like things were too good to be true. So she looked for any exit to leave and took it. She would tell me things like relationships shes had after me haven't compared to what we had. At one point she even told me that when we lived together, she would look at me and start crying, and would have to go in another room because she cared about me so much. She said she did that a few times.

 

I should mention that she has been sexually abused from the age 7-15 by her moms ex husband. And then 4 or 5 times since then by random guys/ her best friend. shes 25 now. She would be drinking and would pass out. Waking up to these guys raping her basically. The last time it happened was a few months before she contact me. She passed out with her best friend of 6 years in the house, who is a guy, only to wake up to him full on raping her. She said she tried to block it out and be friends with him just thinking it was because he was drunk. She said it hurt her so much that she cant get over it, to have someone she trusted do that to her. But for some reason she keeps him in her life still.

 

So she asks for the chance to show me things would be different. That she wouldn't be distant and that she would be more loving. Her mom had pulled me a side one night and told me how much I mean to her daughter, and that she was only ever really happy with me in her life. So I reluctantly give her a chance. I told her I wanted to go slow, and that she would have to help me trust her again. The first week, everything was great. She was extremely loving and caring towards me. During the weekend she told me that she felt like she still was very much in love with me. She said that getting to know me again felt more exciting than meeting someone knew. She would say things like she knows we are meant to be...etc. Basically not taking anything slow. I would still return her level of attention even though I was extremely unsure of the situation.

 

When monday came, I could tell something was wrong. She eventually told me that she didn't expect me to want to talk to her. She didn't expect me to want to give her a chance or get back with her. So she said she started feeling very overwhelmed. I ended up backing off. Around this time her grandma got put in hospice, dying from alzheimers. They were very close. during this time she visited her almost every day. So for the next 3 weeks. She started getting more and more distant. Texting all day turned into 2 or 3 texts a day. Hanging out turned into her seeing me only 3 hours a week. Every time we saw each other, it was amazing though. We both would talk about how great it was being with each other.

 

I asked her if anything was wrong, why she was being so distant. She told me to trust her, that she wouldn't hurt me. That there was nothing to be worried about. She said she still felt how she did when she originally contacted me. I just figured it had something to do with her grandma. When we saw each other, I could tell there was a spark or something there so I didn't worry about it. I trusted her like she asked me to. Some days though, I wouldn't say anything to her to see what she would do. She would text me things like she misses me ect. Last week, she spent the night at my house on thursday. We stayed up talking about random things, having fun. I remember at one point we were cuddling and she just started smiling randomly, like she was happy to be with me. Then she kissed me. I figured everything was good.

 

Friday night she called me asking for me to come meet her friend after a night of her out drinking. Her friend told me that she wouldn't stop talking about me all night. At one point she drunkenly told me that she loved me. That was probably the 3rd or 4th time she had said it by this point over the last month. Shes a very closed up person emotionally. I remember her telling me she felt like showing emotions made her almost feel weak. So for her to tell me she loves me or misses me usually was a big deal. Saturday night I ended up talking to her mom. Her mom again told me how much i mean to her daughter and how happy she is that i'm in her life again. I was feeling the way I used to when we lived together, when she would be distant. So her mom was reassuring me.

 

Sunday came and her grandma ended up passing away. She told me that she needed time to grieve and that she just wanted to be alone. So I left her alone. Monday, I decided to check on her and see if she was ok. I asked to see her for 5 minutes before I went to work and she just told me she wanted to be alone. So I left her alone. Tuesday night I received a text message from her saying something like "i've done a lot of thinking and I don't feel the same way about you that you do with me". Which really threw me off. It was the last thing I was expecting. I told her if she was going to break it off she could do it to my face.

 

We ended up talking and she told me that shes been feeling for a few weeks that she wasn't in love with me. She told me that shes been lying to her friends and family, basically trying to will herself to love me. Lying to her family and friends is really out of character for her. She said that it has nothing to do with her grandma. She said that she had built up her feelings over the course of years thinking about how great it would be back together and that what she thought she would feel, that it's been different. She told me that she feels like she can't give me what I need out of a relationship and that she wants me to be happy. She said she felt like she had to say things like she misses me or loves me and that's why she did it. She told me that i'm the only person shes ever been around that makes her close up emotionally, and that she doesn't like it. I know she has a hard time letting people get close to her because of how much shes been hurt her whole life. This whole month i've been extremely caring for her, and just appreciated the fact that she was back in my life.

 

Btw this last month I held off doing anything sexual with her, because of her history with abuse. I wanted to show her that it was about more than sex, and that I actually care about her as a person first. A few times I heard her tell her friends "we haven't even had sex yet" usually when she was drinking or whatever.

 

I don't know what to make of this. I don't know if shes just pushing me away because shes afraid or overwhelmed. Which is a pattern of hers with me. I don't know if her grandma has anything to do with it, mixing up her feelings. I don't get the whole "playing up" her feelings thing, because when we spent time together it wasn't forced one bit. She would actually get sort of pissed if I wouldn't hold her hand... I would have understood if she felt she couldn't have anything romantic right now, and just needed time to focus on grieving instead of building a relationship. I've tried to talk to her briefly 2 times since she broke it off. Both times she just acted like a huge jerk, which I really don't deserve.

 

I'm not really looking for people to tell me not to get back with her or not to talk to her again. I'm more looking for opinions on what people make of it. My friends think she still cares about me and just pushed me out because shes overwhelmed. Sort of irrationally taking an exist like shes done before. I do have a feeling that she will eventually be back again. But I don't think I could ever have anything romantic with her unless she got help for her issues. All the signs for me point to her issues being a huge part of why we never work, or why she pushes me away. She has no problem keeping someone that raped her in her life. But pushes me out when i've been nothing but caring.

 

I can't even feel bad for myself this time. I know i've tried my best and that nothing I did was the cause of this. Sorry for writing a novel, I just figured the more information the better informed the opinion could be.

[darkmoon]

her mother plays quite a part in this, so much so that we all have to obey the manipulating senior figure

 

no, everytime i read about her i thought sheeesh, what is she doing in the picture? her mother is her sounding board, you are the mother's victim, her mother is her safety zone, but not apparently yours

 

you are encountering what life will be like

 

help with her issues? her mother will as usual decide on this and you will have scant say

Edited December 22, 2014 by darkmoon

[zvtxs]

I had put the parts about her mother in there because she would tell me that stuff when I would be at her house. The mother and my ex are extremely close. So I figured I could trust what she was saying. Her family are huge part of her life.

Edited December 22, 2014 by zvtxs

[sm2281]

It sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up and soul searching to do. I am not saying that its right, but that kind of abuse takes time to get over. And she will never be okay until it's over in her own mind, and until she starts taking care of herself.

 

I don't think you should get back with her, but maybe you can be a good friend to her. Because at this point, how much of that do you know is true? And how much of that do you believe? If she just randomly contacts you every year at a certain time. It would be my belief if she were interested in keeping you as a partner she would have her feelings sorted out by now

 

Sometimes, we have to let go of people we love so that our own sanity and lives can be good. It is very hard, because you love them, and you don't want to hurt them, but it drives you nuts wondering why. . . .

[sm2281]

and to be honest -- it sounds to me like she comes around when she is lonely.

 

Lonliness can do funny things to a person

[Light Breeze]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

 

I don't really know what to think when she said that she doesn't love you anymore and was just forcing herself to feel that way. Be prepared that she maybe telling you the truth about her loss of feelings. However, considering the abuse she experienced in her life I tend to think that she's just pushing you away again because she doesn't want to believe that she may actually be happy. I've read about people that have been abused in the past and it affected their future relationships, like your ex they always push the ones they love in fear that they may get hurt in the future.

 

If this was really a psychological problem and not just loss of feelings then she may need professional help in overcoming this. I would have suggested that you be there for her , but, seeing as she just distances her self from you, it is really up to her and family to see her through this. It probably is out of your hands. I just get sad that a reconciliation with so much potential leads to a dead end.

 

As for you, stay strong brother and I hope for the best whether it's her or another special person.

[zvtxs]

Well I believe everything as far as the abuse goes. The loss of feelings thing doesn't add up to me because It's been so long and she still tried. She mentioned to me that for at least 6 months before contact she really thought about wanting to be with me. She said she wouldn't have tried if she didn't want to be with me 100%. I don't think it was just her being lonely. But who knows. I believed her when she told me. I don't think she was lying.

 

I have suggested professional help to her. She just gets angry. She has a better time blocking issues out, than actually dealing with them. At this stage in her life at least.

 

I have thought about just being a friend to her. I really do want to see her get help. To be honest though, I don't think she will realize she actually needs help for a long time.

 

I just remembered that she had said something like "I'm breaking it off with you now, because if we spent the holidays together, it would have made things harder" if that makes any difference. That kind of points to her just pushing me away. Instead of being truthful about not being in love with me.

Edited December 22, 2014 by zvtxs