Co-dependency

[Evening]

I think I am co-dependent. How could I help myself? And can you please describe how it can affect my (future) relationships.

 

Thank you so much.

[salparadise]

We'd need more info as to the relationship dynamics you're talking about to be very specific, but... codependents subjugate themselves and their own needs, have weak boundaries, and tend to lose themselves in trying fix or maintain a dysfunctional relationship. They enable the dysfunction.

 

Therapy is the obvious answer to how can I help myself. Learning to have healthy boundaries and be lovingly assertive are key.

[ktya]

Be careful when using this label.

 

The counselling industry has been ever widening the use of this label for a decade. This of course causes people and couples to seek ever more counselling, often for what are normal, healthy behaviors.

 

Many a relationship has been destroyed by the counselling industry and the ever widening of this label. Their approach is that if you are a "giver" in your relationship, then you are codependent. If both you and your partner are "givers" then you are both codependent, which, given the actual meaning of the.term, is absurd. Their approach is to guide you to become more self centered and to become more selfish, which of course is anathema to any true partnership based on mutual love, trust, and sharing.

 

The term "codependency" was coined for when one partner is dependent on a substance or addiction, or abuse. The dependent partner exhibits behaviors which are hurtful or damaging to the spouse. This could be bad behavior, such as spending the family money on drugs so the family loses their home, or abusive behavior such as domestic violence. The codependent partner enables the dependent partner by borrowing money from family to keep the family home, or wears makeup and stays silent covering up the abuse. In effect, by protecting the dependent partner from the consequences of their actions and making excuses for their behavior, they enable the bad behavior to continue, due to their "need" to have the dependent partner around. This perpetuates the bad behavior, and therefore they are codependent, almost like an addict by association without even having an addiction themselves.

 

Incorrect applications of this in terms of normal relationships may be interpereted as putting your partners needs before yours. While in the extreme this may be unhealthy (we all have to ensure some of our needs are being met in a relationship) this is a normal part of caring for and loving someone. Healthy boundaries must be kept, but in a loving caring relationship it is ok to relax these sometimes provided there is no abusive behavior.

 

The counselling industry, in the name of "helping" has created an assault on copairing love bonds second only to feminisms attack on marriage and the family. The mantra is to put your needs first, do not sacrifice or compromise, and in a nutshell to become a selfish narcissist within your relationship in order to get what you want and all of it. This, however is incompatible with having a loving relationship whereby two partners can count on eachother for love, support, and to come together as a team to face the world as one. Compromise is essential in a relationship and we must pick our battles and determine what is worth a line in the sand and what we will just have to live with in order to both be happy.

 

Not all counsellors are preaching this narcissism within relationships. But it is certainly in vogue these days. We cant all be happy about everything all the time, and we wont always like what our partner does or how they behave. Key is do you enjoy what they do or how they behave at least most of the time, if so your probably doing ok provided there is no abuse.

 

When examining substance abuse, alcohol often comes up as it is legal and available at most social functions. It is important to remember that alcoholism when looking at quantity drank is highly subjective. The average amount that a german, belgian, or brit drinks, for example, would be considered a serious alcohol problem by many organizations in north america; in effect they would declare an epidemic of alcoholism across entire populations in europe simply for what there would be considered normal behavior. The true definition of an alcohol problem is if it is causing problems in ones life yet its use continues.

 

Where this, codependency, and the counselling industry collide is when one partner may enjoy their drinks and the other partner does not drink as much. This is often a simple difference in preference, not unlike how one partner may drink lots of orange juice while the other partner enjoys water. If the alcohol use triggers abusive behavior or things like missing work, then it is a problem and if the other partner is making excuses for this behavior that is when codependency applies.

 

Chances are your just a really kind hearted person, found this label, and are wondering how this effects you. Focus on healthy boundaries and be careful so as to not get walked over. You dont need a therapist or a label to do that. Theres nothing wrong with being a kind giving person. Its the selfish buggers who take advantage of kind giving people who have something wrong with them and need a therapist.

[Downtown]

Be careful when using this label. The counselling industry has been ever widening the use of this label for a decade.

I agree, Ktya. The problem is that there is no "basic definition" accepted by the psychiatric community. Instead, there are many factions having differing views about it. Indeed, there is no agreement that codependency even constitutes a disorder or dysfunctional behavior. That's why it is not defined in the APA's Diagnostic Manual -- and is not even mentioned.

 

Significantly, the world's largest association devoted to codependency -- i.e., CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) could not even reach agreement among its members on how to define it. That's why CoDA provides no definition of it at their website. Instead, they simply provide a grocery list of over 50 traits that includes everything but the kitchen sink.

 

Due to this lack of an accepted definition, many laymen define this term in a way that implies the "codependent" person is very controlling. My experience, like yours Ktya, is that many caring individuals are NOT controlling and are quick to take their partners to therapy if they will go. I therefore much prefer the term "excessive caregivers" for those caregivers who keep trying to help people even when it is to their great detriment to do so. Like me, their desire to be needed (for what they can do) far exceeds their desire to be loved (for the people they already are).