Asking a Married woman for the impossible!

[Distressed.Male22]

For over a year I, an inexperienced 23 year old have known a 25 year old married woman. She had married just months before meeting me. We worked together and our friendship grew beyond the rightful bounds. Her relationship with her husband seems quite weird in my opinion as they live seemingly disjointed lives, they calculate and separates their expenses (but they do seem to spend for each other), she claims that she has NEVER reached orgasm with him so she regularly reverts to her vibrator. She has several health issues such as gastritis, while he eats alone regularly he says that she is a grown up so does not even suggest that she eat properly.

 

For their first anniversary, she wanted to go the Brighton beach for which I explained the best travel plan and ticket prices and such, the arrogant husband decided he can manage alone and made his own travel plan and reached Brighton passed 2 pm. For Christmas the cheap romantic bought her a cheap union jack thong and matching boxers. She changed jobs and her new job required her to say late at work and take the night bus home, he was not even concerned how she would return and soundly slept at home. Her new job required her to work over 50 hours with over 2 hours travel time per day and she had barely time to eat or rest, yet he did not bother making things easier such as cooking for her or washing the clothes.

 

All these times I was with her, explaining her travel routes, sometimes picking her up from work, reminding and insisting that she eats, sometime cooking for her, ironing her clothes, waking her up in the morning to get to work, finding the train times and so much more. We spent so much time together, on phone, texting, meeting up, coffee shops, night outs, but rarely was the relationship sexual in nature. During night outs (where I assumed she would be my wing woman we just ended up dancing with each other) she would touch me intently and repeatedly asked to kiss me and I continuously refused, expect just one time, where we ended up just short of sex. From this point my mind and my urges spilt beyond my control.

 

I repeatedly tried to close our relationship but she would cry and slip into a depressive mood, so we slowly go back to our normal state. I gave her the option of divorcing her man and promised her that I would marry her or else that we close this relationship because it was too much emotional and mental strain for me (although she seems quite comfortable in this juxtaposition) seeing that I am more committed to her wellbeing than her husband. I am devote atheist and she is a devote catholic, I do not see such an immense value in the illusion of marriage and know very well that hearts weaver at a warm breeze.

 

My own parents are still together yet both of them are aware that both of them have cheated on each other at different points in their lives. So I can’t respect this convention of marriage and that’s why I made my proposal to her of getting divorced and marrying me (which personally was not something of great value but to her marriage seems to be of utmost importance and sanctity, as she looks forward to a "complete family" since she was disowned by her parents as she was born out of wedlock and raised by her grandmother) I made the proposal since I felt I could love her wholly and provide her the family she wants ( Love aside, I even earn more than her husband) and I also know that her husband does not value family ties or let alone loves her completely, this same husband refused to see his own parents as he was "too busy" and she had to welcome the parents in law and entertain them while working 50 hours a week while he works barely 30 hours.

 

During this same time that I made my proposal(which was obviously not done in a romantic manner), she also quit her job over an argument with her manager and currently at home. Another interesting fact is that she is deeply unsatisfied with her career while her husband seems quite focused and plans to do masters and such. While I try to encourage her to study more, she doesn’t seem to get the required backing from her husband. So now a concoction of negative emotions such as her own inadequacy and my own demands has set her into a depression. This husband is working as a driver and recently had a minor accident and received momentary compensation for it, so at this moment he has taken his wife to a 4 day trip to Spain, which seems so out of character and or maybe he trying to help her relieve her from the depression, so he clear does love her.

 

So in summary she feels love towards me yet she is constrained from expressing it due to the reluctance of damaging her marriage or maybe she feels a greater love toward her man. If latter was the case then she could easily let me walk away yet she insists on my presence in her life. Yet providing that care for her means that I will be wasting my time, my emotions and ultimately my life for a person who cannot truly appreciate my love.

 

So what should I do? Should I persevere and provide myself and another with more fulfilled love, or should I walk away and let her deal with her own circumstances?

Edited December 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs and move to OM/OW

[thummper]

Distressed, it sounds like you're filling a void in her life and she's not going to let that go. There is no kind of future with this woman. She doesn't seem to want any kind of relationship with you outside of what you are already giving to her....and I mean giving. It appears you're doing everything that her husband SHOULD be doing, but is not. Why would she want to change that?

[petee]

She's married and at the moment you haven't crossed the line. Immediately go NC, sort your head out and meet someone who has not declared themselves to another bloke. If you don't I'm pretty sure this will end in tears.

Edited December 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[jbrent890]

Why would she leave her husband? She is getting 100% of her needs met by both you and him. Cheaters are selfish and its why most of their marriages end once their affairs are discovered. They have a hard time giving up that 100%. Also, if she had to choose between you and her husband, she would choose him. At the end of the day, you're replaceable. She can also find a new affair partner. Finding a new husband would take years.

[elaine567]

F

So in summary she feels love towards me yet she is constrained from expressing it due to the reluctance of damaging her marriage or maybe she feels a greater love toward her man. If latter was the case then she could easily let me walk away yet she insists on my presence in her life. Yet providing that care for her means that

 

I will be wasting my time, my emotions and ultimately my life for a person who cannot truly appreciate my love.

 

 

This in bold ^^^^^

 

Yes, you will be wasting your time, she has her nice life with her husband at home and she has you as her cook, her housekeeper, her manservant, her nurse and her psychiatrist to turn to when she needs to and as her **** buddy when she feels like it too.

You are 23, you sound like a great catch for any nice girl who wants to get married and have a great relationship with you and you alone. Do not waste your life on this married woman, as it will not end well.

[truncated]

Please read read your post and pay areful consideration to the way your desribe her and her husband's faults.

 

She is a grown woman, in a marriage with another adult. Most adults I know make their own travel plans, get the bus, eat when they are hungry, know to eat food that doesn't make them sick, study on their own, etc.

 

the way your describe your relationship with her sounds more like how a parent would speak about a young child. She is no child, and this "helpless' routine she's pulling is nonsense. What's next? You cut up her meat for her, give her a bottle and then burp her? You hold her hand while she gets on the bus, lest the poor baby gets lost?

 

In short, she sounds like a drama queen atention hog. That may seem charming and 'cute' now, and I get that it's nice to feel needed, but that could grow old really fast if you are in a one on one long term relationship with her.

[FusionCutter]

Married women (well MM too) who pull these kinds of acts are calculated, cold, smart, and overall just bad people.

 

No matter what see in this woman, (beauty, potential life partner, etc), her actions show one thing.

 

That she is crazy selfish. She knows exactly what she is doing and you know exactly what you are doing.

 

If you really think the feelings are "true" and real. Ask her to leave to be with you. She won't.

 

These kinds of human behaviors are a pattern, you aren't the only man who has ever been in the situation.

 

She's not a good woman. A good woman wouldn't make you feel like this, nor would make her husband the fool in all of this.

 

Try it. Ask her to leave if the feelings are real. 99.99% of the time she won't budge - why would she?

 

Think of her marriage with her husband as the cake, and you are the icing. You fill some sort of function in her life. A void. No matter what she saids.. you are filling something and you are second place.

 

Tell yourself that you won't be a tool used to measure how much someone loves someone else or that you won't be used for her to help betray her husband.

 

If you logically think about all these options play out, the most likely outcome is that you will get attached, fall in love, and she will just stand still.

 

You'll be heartbroken in a way you've never felt before.

 

So ask yourself seriously what you are wanting out of this situation and if you can see clearly about what is going on.

 

Just know that good people don't create hurt, lie, and do things sneakily under the counter.

 

Honestly, I think you are best to just leave the situation and be on your own. If she truly loved you in the sense that you want to her love you, she would leave to be with you. But this is almost never the case.

 

So take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask what you want out of this situation. One thing's for sure, you aren't some sort of magical catalyst that would cause her to do the right thing.

 

The only right thing you can do is to leave the situation.

[Redheaded Mistress]

So she's a baby who's married to a man who has the nerve to expect her to act like an adult, which makes her pout. She's attracted to you because you're that Daddy who will baby her like she wants, until you do'nt, then she gets bummed ouT and pouts.

 

Ask yourself if that's the type of wife you want and what she will do when she thinks you aren't good enough at caring for her so she finds another Daddy who babies her more in a way she likes. Like a guy with more money. She impulsively quits a jib, she'll impulsively dump you just the same at some point.

 

And if he gave her a thong, they're having sex.

[Satu]

You are wasting your time.

[spanz1]

she TELLS you her husband is an oaf. And she is actively trying to cheat on him with you.

 

So lets say she divorced him, and married you. Then YOU would be the husband she tells another man is an oaf.

 

Cheaters cheat, that is what they do. You really want to marry one?

 

In her favor she does seem to be a hard working woman. On the other hand, seems she does not realize that telling off you boss is a bad idea for your career, so not the sharpest tool in the shed.

 

I would not get too involved, emotionally, with her. Use her for your needs, but don't expect more than a physical relationship. Her fidelity/love capacity is damaged.

[anika99]

For over a year I, an inexperienced 23 year old have known a 25 year old married woman. She had married just months before meeting me. We worked together and our friendship grew beyond the rightful bounds. Her relationship with her husband seems quite weird in my opinion as they live seemingly disjointed lives, they calculate and separates their expenses (but they do seem to spend for each other), she claims that she has NEVER reached orgasm with him so she regularly reverts to her vibrator. She has several health issues such as gastritis, while he eats alone regularly he says that she is a grown up so does not even suggest that she eat properly.

 

 

She is an adult and should be taking responsibility for her own health

 

For their first anniversary, she wanted to go the Brighton beach for which I explained the best travel plan and ticket prices and such, the arrogant husband decided he can manage alone and made his own travel plan and reached Brighton passed 2 pm. For Christmas the cheap romantic bought her a cheap union jack thong and matching boxers. She changed jobs and her new job required her to say late at work and take the night bus home, he was not even concerned how she would return and soundly slept at home. Her new job required her to work over 50 hours with over 2 hours travel time per day and she had barely time to eat or rest, yet he did not bother making things easier such as cooking for her or washing the clothes.

 

 

Better believe that he did not just throw a sexy thong at her while he was walking out the door. She modeled it for him and a good time was had.

 

All these times I was with her, explaining her travel routes, sometimes picking her up from work, reminding and insisting that she eats, sometime cooking for her, ironing her clothes, waking her up in the morning to get to work, finding the train times and so much more. We spent so much time together, on phone, texting, meeting up, coffee shops, night outs, but rarely was the relationship sexual in nature. During night outs (where I assumed she would be my wing woman we just ended up dancing with each other) she would touch me intently and repeatedly asked to kiss me and I continuously refused, expect just one time, where we ended up just short of sex. From this point my mind and my urges spilt beyond my control.

 

 

What is she? Five years old? Do you view all females as helpless children or just her? Can you really respect someone as an equal when you view them as so completely useless and incompetent? Is this what a partnership should look like to you? A relationship where you take care of the other person as if they are a child?

 

I repeatedly tried to close our relationship but she would cry and slip into a depressive mood, so we slowly go back to our normal state. I gave her the option of divorcing her man and promised her that I would marry her or else that we close this relationship because it was too much emotional and mental strain for me (although she seems quite comfortable in this juxtaposition) seeing that I am more committed to her wellbeing than her husband. I am devote atheist and she is a devote catholic, I do not see such an immense value in the illusion of marriage and know very well that hearts weaver at a warm breeze.

 

 

So you mean whenever you try to do the right thing and protect yourself she manipulates you with tears and becoming moody.

 

My own parents are still together yet both of them are aware that both of them have cheated on each other at different points in their lives. So I can’t respect this convention of marriage and that’s why I made my proposal to her of getting divorced and marrying me (which personally was not something of great value but to her marriage seems to be of utmost importance and sanctity, as she looks forward to a "complete family" since she was disowned by her parents as she was born out of wedlock and raised by her grandmother) I made the proposal since I felt I could love her wholly and provide her the family she wants ( Love aside, I even earn more than her husband) and I also know that her husband does not value family ties or let alone loves her completely, this same husband refused to see his own parents as he was "too busy" and she had to welcome the parents in law and entertain them while working 50 hours a week while he works barely 30 hours.

 

If you have no respect for the institution of marriage then you should never get married. Why would compromise your beliefs and principles in this way? Don't offer a lifetime commitment to someone when you don't believe in it. She also does not believe in the sanctity of marriage. She might say she does but her actions tell otherwise.

 

During this same time that I made my proposal(which was obviously not done in a romantic manner), she also quit her job over an argument with her manager and currently at home. Another interesting fact is that she is deeply unsatisfied with her career while her husband seems quite focused and plans to do masters and such. While I try to encourage her to study more, she doesn’t seem to get the required backing from her husband. So now a concoction of negative emotions such as her own inadequacy and my own demands has set her into a depression. This husband is working as a driver and recently had a minor accident and received momentary compensation for it, so at this moment he has taken his wife to a 4 day trip to Spain, which seems so out of character and or maybe he trying to help her relieve her from the depression, so he clear does love her.

 

 

He loves her, but she is playing him for a fool just like she plays you. Manipulates you, manipulates her husband, she's got it made.

 

So in summary she feels love towards me yet she is constrained from expressing it due to the reluctance of damaging her marriage or maybe she feels a greater love toward her man. If latter was the case then she could easily let me walk away yet she insists on my presence in her life. Yet providing that care for her means that I will be wasting my time, my emotions and ultimately my life for a person who cannot truly appreciate my love.

 

The person she loves the most is herself. She is loving having 2 men to meet her needs and give her attention. One is taking her to Spain, while the other is cooking for her and doing her ironing. LOL what more could a girl ask for? You and her husband are saps but you are the bigger sap because you are aware of what she is doing while her husband is in the dark.

 

So what should I do? Should I persevere and provide myself and another with more fulfilled love, or should I walk away and let her deal with her own circumstances?

 

You should grow a spine, scrape up some pride and self respect and walk away.

[still_an_Angel]

What are you getting out of this relationship? Do you get YOUR own needs met by all the services you provide for her? You know this is going nowhere, otherwise she would have left her H and be with you. The ball is in your court, you need to decide if all the worrying, running around after her needs, etc is worth what she gives to you. How long can you keep up?

[blue963]

I think a woman would be willing if her feelings were true.

[BMP2CPM]

.... I, an inexperienced 23 year old

 

This woman is TOO OLD FOR YOU!

 

23 year old....let me explain to you how life works. Women, fertility-wise are in their prime around 18 to 26 years of age. These women and all women, really, desire men with resources who can take care of their needs, e.g. provide money, time, resources, kindness, offer protection from unwanted males. Stuff like that.

 

Hmm....at 23, I suspect you don't have much resources. That's OK, as you get older you will and you'll attract more and more women. Your prime for attracting women is in your 30s and 40s.

 

Now is the time to focus on your education and your career. It is not the time to waste on women that are too old for you. You need to be with women younger than you.

 

Let me clue you in on a big secret.....if she was a high quality woman and was having marriage problems....she would be able to attract an older male with better resources who could take care of her better than her husband and off she would go.

 

But she can't get a higher quality male than her husband. The best she can do is attract a younger man with less resources.

 

Keep in mind that your future soulmate may not even be legal right now, but in 5 years of so, she will be. Focus on yourself now, so that when you meet her, you can sweep her off her feet.