Convincing BS xBF/MM & I Can Be Friends

[cif]

We've known each other for almost 20 years (since teens) but were NC for a couple years, at least I was he never stopped contact, and started speaking again 3 months ago.

 

What we went through, I feel, is all in the past and our history together trumps other circumstances and people. He already set the stage years ago when we were busted by telling her we only had sex once, she bought it, married him, had his kid.

 

Any ideas how my ex could get his wife on board with the idea that we could be platonic?

Edited December 22, 2014 by cif

[letmoc]

If he cheated on her with you there is no way I can see her saying yes to this.

[Sub]

What we went through, I feel, is all in the past and our history together trumps other circumstances and people.

 

His marriage to his BW isn't a "circumstance" that is trumped by your friendship, IMO. (Unless I'm misinterpreting the above.)

[FusionCutter]

We've known each other for almost 20 years (since teens) but were NC for a couple years, at least I was he never stopped contact, and started speaking again 3 months ago.

 

What we went through, I feel, is all in the past and our history together trumps other circumstances and people. He already set the stage years ago when we were busted by telling her we only had sex once, she bought it, married him, had his kid.

 

Any ideas how my ex could get his wife on board with the idea that we could be platonic?

 

Ask him to organize a meeting with all 3 people at a coffee shop, spill the truth about every single thing.

 

If everyone's all happy and jolly after and laughs it off, then that's how y'all can be friends.

[FusionCutter]

Any ideas how my ex could get his wife on board with the idea that we could be platonic?

 

You're basically asking how your ex could figure out an elaborate lie just so you guys can be friends.

 

I mean, that's just lying to oneself. You want to continue the affair masquerading it as a friendship. Surely there is a better option than that.

[cif]

I didn't have an affair.

My husband knows about him. He trusts me as he should.

[Redheaded Mistress]

As far as I'm concerned, she's the woman that scrubs his toilet. We have something much deeper than a piece of paper could offer.

 

So then why didn't he marry you if you share something so infinitely deep?

 

<Redacted> To the real world she's his wife, the mother of his children, the one he picked to spend the rest of his life with. You are just one of the exes.

Edited December 24, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[cif]

We met roughly 20 years ago and dated 4-5 years. Lost touch then got back together unofficially. I was separated (off topic). He was dating her as well as other people (and still is, no judgment). He wanted us to make things official. I couldn't. We had a very bad breakup. My husband and I worked things out. He married her. And here we are.

[CALOVELY]

We met roughly 20 years ago and dated 4-5 years. Lost touch then got back together unofficially. I was separated (off topic). He was dating her as well as other people (and still is, no judgment). He wanted us to make things official. I couldn't. We had a very bad breakup. My husband and I worked things out. He married her. And here we are.

 

If I read what you wrote correctly, he is currently unfaithful to his wife and you mentioned earlier that she has a volatile personality. I wouldn't go near this situation if I were you. What possible upside is there?

[cif]

If I read what you wrote correctly, he is currently unfaithful to his wife and you mentioned earlier that she has a volatile personality. I wouldn't go near this situation if I were you. What possible upside is there?

 

We have a bond I don't get with other people. We grew up together. I care about and miss him. He also feels strongly towards me and has not left me alone the entire time I was NC.

[cif]

I'd prefer she know about us not out of fear but respect for what my ex and I have. Also, to keep him in check so he knows where at least I stand.

[Sub]

Yes, he knows everything. And my husband knows friendships are just as important as marriage as are family, career, interests, etc.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. If friendships were as important as a marriage, I don't see the point of getting married.

 

Ours is not a prison sentence.We don't suffocate one another.

There is a massive chasm between what we're talking about here and a "prison sentence." Your R with a serial cheater who you used to be in a long-term R with is not your garden variety friendship.

[cif]

If you didn't have an affair why are you posting in O/M/O/W forum? Why are you in N/C if no one thinks you had an affair, why does it matter that you broke your N/C, tell your husband see what he thinks, see what his wife thinks. Why are you pushing your own marriage to the brink just to keep your relationship with O/M alive? Why are you trying to convince them that cake eating is fine?

 

What?

 

I didn't know he was "exclusively" dating her (actually didn't know about her at all and neither did she obviously) and the reason for our blowup was when it came to light. I don't tolerate cheating and really had no intention of speaking to him again.

[Sub]

He also feels strongly towards me and has not left me alone the entire time I was NC.

 

Let's add this all up.

 

Included in the "everything", your H knows:

- this friend lied to you about seeing someone in an effort to get back together with you.

- this friend (and you) mislead his W about your relationship.

- this friend is currently cheating on his W with multiple women.

- this friend feels very strongly towards you and hasn't left you alone during NC.

- you are currently trying to find a way for this friend to convince his W that the two of you can remain friends.

 

And your H is completely fine with all of this.

I don't know. I'm going to guess your H doesn't know "everything".

 

It's obvious to most you need to get as far away from this situation as possible if you really value your M and yourself. It's toxic. To downplay it as "just friends"...you're only fooling yourself.

[aliveagain]

What?

 

I didn't know he was "exclusively" dating her (actually didn't know about her at all and neither did she obviously) and the reason for our blowup was when it came to light. I don't tolerate cheating and really had no intention of speaking to him again.

 

Did I misunderstand, were you not married when you dated O/M for 4-5 years? Was he not already in a relationship with the woman he married while you were dating him and then lied that it was only one time when you were busted? Were you not the one cheating? I don't understand what you wrote regarding your lack of tolerance for cheating? Were you referring to the fact that he was in a relationship with his now wife even though you were married to your husband? Did I miss something?

[CALOVELY]

We have a bond I don't get with other people. We grew up together. I care about and miss him. He also feels strongly towards me and has not left me alone the entire time I was NC.

 

I understand the bond part but sometimes we need to let go. The past is the past for a reason. This does not sound like a good situation. You two used to be lovers, he is already cheating and lying to her, you are married, he is married, she is volatile. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

[cif]

Wonder how he'd feel knowing you were scheming ways to cause problems in his marriage.

 

If your friendship is so deep, then why are you trying to figure out how to manipulate his wife? Why isn't he the one fighting for your friendship? And what is the foundation for this deep friendship? A 4-5 year relationship that ended 15 years ago and a short lived reunion that ended badly?

 

 

Well, I don't want to cause problems, hence the reason I'm asking here.

 

Our last discussion was about the question how this could work. Maybe he has ulterior motives but I certainly don't, and I believe I've made this clear to him. Only time will tell but for now I want him in my life.

[dichotomy]

Someone else mentioned this - but I will repeat it without much sarcasm.

 

Suggest you all meet for drinks and/or dinner at a public place. You, your husband, the OM and his wife. Talk and see what happens.

 

If there were no past issues - or cheating or anything, this is the only way I would ever recommend to anyone who wanted to see an old ex who was also married.... as a foursome out in the open.

Edited December 22, 2014 by dichotomy

[cif]

​We spoke just now.

 

I asked him point blank what he's after, a friendship or sex. He was honest. Said our connection/passion/history are stronger than anything he has. That he makes love to me through BS. He swears he never loved anyone else.. how I always took his feelings towards me as a joke.. that I'm being unfair since I am the one who never wanted exclusivity?

 

He wanted to meet up tomorrow. So as a test agreed on the condition it's in his bed. He didn't even hesitate. Fail.

[CALOVELY]

​We spoke just now.

 

I asked him point blank what he's after, a friendship or sex. He was honest. Said our connection/passion/history are stronger than anything he has. That he makes love to me through BS. He swears he never loved anyone else.. how I always took his feelings towards me as a joke.. that I'm being unfair since I am the one who never wanted exclusivity?

 

He wanted to meet up tomorrow. So as a test agreed on the condition it's in his bed. He didn't even hesitate. Fail.

 

So what is your plan of action now?

[cif]

So what is your plan of action now?

 

I think i want him back.

We agreed to talk after the holidays.

[Realist3]

​We spoke just now.

 

I asked him point blank what he's after, a friendship or sex. He was honest. Said our connection/passion/history are stronger than anything he has. That he makes love to me through BS. He swears he never loved anyone else.. how I always took his feelings towards me as a joke.. that I'm being unfair since I am the one who never wanted exclusivity?

 

He wanted to meet up tomorrow. So as a test agreed on the condition it's in his bed. He didn't even hesitate. Fail.

 

You are being snowed.

[Sub]

We are not together because I am married and would like to stay that way.

 

I think i want him back.

 

That took 4 hours.

[Selfish]

I think i want him back.

We agreed to talk after the holidays.

 

What about my advice to seek a professional assessment? IT can't hurt anything and at least you'll know why you don't think like the larger population. What you do with that info is up to you

[lovinDKT3]

I think i want him back.

We agreed to talk after the holidays.

 

Everyone that read this already knew you wanted him.

 

So you going to be honest with your husband or continue being dishonest about the TRUE mature of this relationship? After all you don't tolerate cheating (or is that just when someone is cheating on you).