Convincing BS xBF/MM & I Can Be Friends

[CALOVELY]

I think i want him back.

We agreed to talk after the holidays.

 

Where does this leave your husband and his wife?

[cif]

Just to be clear i didnt tell him i want him back. My response was direct: he should know disloyalty is not on my agenda and he has offended me. That all he has offered me was drama and heartache. He said he knows i dont trust him and the only reason he agreed to his bed request was bc it was ridiculous (sure).

[CALOVELY]

Just to be clear i didnt tell him i want him back. My response was direct: he should know disloyalty is not on my agenda and he has offended me. That all he has offered me was drama and heartache. He said he knows i dont trust him and the only reason he agreed to his bed request was bc it was ridiculous (sure).

 

I'm confused. You wrote you want him back. Are you now changing your mind?

[cif]

You need to stay away from him. Continuing a friendship (aka an EA) is selfish.

 

Maybe i'm wrong but I don't really believe in EAs otherwise most friendships would fall under this category.

[cif]

Your history cannot trump his wife.

 

Why not?

He's been candid about his home life. They take separate vacations from work, he works until she and the kids are sleeping.. And weekends he goes off with his buddies. There are issues between them but we haven't discussed.

[MissBee]

Why not?

He's been candid about his home life. They take separate vacations from work, he works until she and the kids are sleeping.. And weekends he goes off with his buddies. There are issues between them but we haven't discussed.

 

If they take separate vacations and have no life together, why does he need to lie about your friendship? If she doesn't care that he vacations by himself and spends weekends away, why on earth would your friendship be something he has to tell her about? It seems he could carry it on without her knowing or caring. The fact that he would have to approach her and "convince" her of your friendship shows that things are not as separate as you're supposing.

 

Look: you've not really been honest (except that all of us already knew). You initially tried to act like this was going to be a platonic friendship thing and your husband is fine with it, now you want him back and were proposing sex in his bed. It seems you should seek professional input on your situation IMO.

 

Even if his marriage is a farce, the farce STILL trumps what you have. Which is the ironic part of many affairs. People say they and their AP have what is real and the marriage is fake yet in majority of cases the fake marriage is still the thing they try to protect and the AP is the one they still try to hide or throw under the bus and don't leave to be with. So farce or not, the farce trumps what you have or else he'd throw caution to the wind.

 

Further...he's sleeping with other women, so I'm really not sure what you want from him. Please go to marriage counseling with your husband or individual counseling and sort this out because right now what you're saying is very erratic and doesn't make much sense.

[cif]

You are being snowed.

 

To your other post.. Im not sneaking around and lol @ the lunch meeting, although having an uneventful lunch is something i am ok with.

 

And he doesnt *need* me to have an EMA.. we live in NYC, land of debauchery.

[Sub]

Whether or not your friendship trumps their marriage is moot at this point. You've shown your hand and admitted to us you think you want him back. (Which was obvious to everyone, yet you apparently thought we were naive enough to buy your "just friends" story.) I simultaneously think you should and shouldn't be with this guy, as neither of you seem equipped with the emotional maturity to be in a healthy, functional R. And the greatest travesty is that there are children involved in this scenario. HIS children. So, even if you think your friendship is more important than his M, I would hope you have the decency to not think that applies to his kids. But, he's cheating with multiple women, gets home when they're in bed, and spends his weekends with the boys. So nothing would surprise me.

[Redheaded Mistress]

But if she doesn't know everything why wouldn't it be ok with her? I don't even think she knows how long we've known each other. That's really his business if he's lying to her, right? My point was I have no emotion towards her or their marriage.

 

It's his business if he is lying to her, it's your business if you help him do it and are plotting how to do it. And the very fact she doesn't know anything means it automatically won't be Ok.

 

The fact you have no emotion to their marriage is why you need to buzz off. Friends care about their friends marriages.

 

We have a bond I don't get with other people. We grew up together. I care about and miss him. He also feels strongly towards me and has not left me alone the entire time I was NC.

 

A bond so great, you went NC and never wanted to see him again. So great you dumped him, and you both married other people. He was looking for you in every woman and not finding you, but still picked one to marry and have kids with. And when he had you, he didn't feel enough about you to be faithful.

 

I'd prefer she know about us not out of fear but respect for what my ex and I have. Also, to keep him in check so he knows where at least I stand.

 

You want his wife to appreciate and respect your bond, step aside gracefully without a fight, but jump in to reign him in when you're done playing with him?

 

​We spoke just now.

 

I asked him point blank what he's after, a friendship or sex. He was honest. Said our connection/passion/history are stronger than anything he has. That he makes love to me through BS. He swears he never loved anyone else.. how I always took his feelings towards me as a joke.. that I'm being unfair since I am the one who never wanted exclusivity?

 

You're the toy who got away. He wasn't faithful during your relationship, he won't be faithful now. He's already admitted he has sex without live and attachment, it didn't change when he had you, it won't change now.

 

He wanted to meet up tomorrow. So as a test agreed on the condition it's in his bed. He didn't even hesitate. Fail.

 

Tell him of he wants you he has to leave his wife and child. Bet you won't get the same enthusiastic answer. The only thing worse would be if you do. Any man who will abandon a child for a woman will abandon that sane woman when the newest love of his life comes into the scene.

 

I think i want him back.

We agreed to talk after the holidays.

 

Then tell your husband, have him tell his wife, and have a relationship. Or have the affair but stop expecting his wife will sign off on it and doesn't deserve to flip out on you.

 

Just to be clear i didnt tell him i want him back. My response was direct: he should know disloyalty is not on my agenda and he has offended me. That all he has offered me was drama and heartache. He said he knows i dont trust him and the only reason he agreed to his bed request was bc it was ridiculous (sure).

 

That's all he offered you then, that's all he's offering now. And disloyalty is your agenda. Just admit as much. Disloyalty to his wife, kids, your husband. It's a lot to throw away for a guy you don't trust.

 

Why not?

He's been candid about his home life. They take separate vacations from work, he works until she and the kids are sleeping.. And weekends he goes off with his buddies. There are issues between them but we haven't discussed.

 

When we had an infant, we took seperately vacations from work to save money on daycare. I'd work from home and my husband would take the kids so I wouldn't be bugged. When we went to sleep, he'd play games, paint, or read and enjoy free time as a trade off for taking the kids. Weekends I always went out with my family when he stayed home because he'd start work before we got back, and so I'd get my "me" time.

 

You call it signs of a broken marriage, people with small children recognize it as what happens when you have kids.

 

And let me tell you, if I woke up in an alternate universe where my husband was trying to reach out to one of his exes or she contacted him on a mission to have an affair because she knew him two decades ago and felt that meant she had a prior claim to him and she wanted my permission to try and rekindle the relationship, I'd make her life hell. There wouldn't be a mountain high enough to announce how crazy she was. I'd make her life so miserable that even after I dumped the skunk, she still wouldn't want him because she'd still have to deal with me because of the kids.

[Redheaded Mistress]

That is what has kept me NC all this time. We had TWO shots and didn't work out. I just want to keep things civil between us. We have fun together.

 

You don't want to keep things civil. You want a comitment-free relationship test drive before deciding if you can convince his toilet-cleaning wife she should step aside so you guys can have a relationship. Where, if it doesn't work out, you can both fall back on your back-up plan spouses. Call it what it is.

 

You have fun together? You haven't talked in how long? You have broken up twice, he's cheated, he's trying to cheat again, he wasn't even faithful to you (the love of his life supposedly) when you reconnected, you went NC which was broken because you had a big fight, and you're complaining he only brings you drama and a wife who, for some strange reason, will get over-the-top angry of she finds out about you. Plus a child.

 

Where is the fun, again?

 

Listen, if you'd just said that there's a guy you like, you want to have an affair, you don't know if it's right or wrong or worth it, what do you do, then fine. Understandable. But this you don't love him but you do, you don't trust him but you want him, you want to be married but you want him back, I want to be with him because you have history and you're more important than his wife, she's a toilet cleaning witch with a temper problem, so how do you convince her to let you have an affair with her husband while she stays with the kid and keeps him in check so you don't have to deal with him nonsense... It's beyond the boundaries of total ludicriousness.

 

There is no way ever that you could convince her to hand over the keys to her husband for your playtime and so he can get the toy that got away without her being really, really angry. And not because she has an anger issue, but because your behavior is so out there.

[Scarlet2]

My question is: how could he persuade her that we are just friends without her losing it?

 

People are friends with exes/ex lovers all the time, it's not unheard of but some people are uptight about it due to their own insecurities. Some think it's only acceptable to remain platonic friends if there's a child involved but it can be done without offspring. He can only persuade her based on her confidence level of their relationship and how much she trusts him. If she says it's you she doesn't trust, it really means she doesn't trust him because you can throw yourself at any man all you want, it's still up to him to say no to your advances.

 

Her self esteem has to be pretty high, like she has to believe that she's the best woman out there or that no one else could ever want him but it sounds like she's not very confident. If you're truly sincere that you only want to be friends and nothing more, the only way she'll agree is if you all three hang out and she can see how you interact with each other. If she sees any glimmer of lust/love from either one of you or any sign that he likes hanging out with you more than her, she'll start giving him ultimatums to end your friendship.

 

I was friends with an ex's brother, who at the time was newlywed, I never had any romantic or sexual interest in him, we were just friends and she had no problem with me talking to him until the day came where she met me for the first time and saw what I looked like and got very insecure and told him he couldn't be my friend anymore and he obeyed. They eventually ended up getting divorced and he wanted to be my friend again but I was like nope.

[cif]

It's beyond the boundaries of total ludicriousness.

 

There is no way ever that you could convince her to hand over the keys to her husband for your playtime and so he can get the toy that got away without her being really, really angry. And not because she has an anger issue, but because your behavior is so out there.

 

You made valid points. Thank you.

 

So that's it for us? No chance?

Crawl back into my NC hole?

He will hate me for sure.

[Redheaded Mistress]

So that's it for us? No chance?

 

You're not a single woman, he's not a single guy. You're married. He's married with a child. When you got married, you ended any chance of a relationship with him. When he married, he did the same. Outside of an affair a divorce, there is no chance and that's it. Even if you do have an affair, your chances of it being anything other than one of his many bedroom stops are about zero.

 

If you want sex, no relationship, the same instability as before, and don't mind risking your marriage, his marriage, and if you end up together taking his kids and his ex wife and his other mistresses on as your extended family, have at it. Have that affair. But stop trying to get her to let you do it or making her seem like the bad guy because she will be mad and hate you.

 

Crawl back into my NC hole?

 

Yup. Unless you want that drama, doomed affair, vengeful wife, and broken marriage. Then keep on keeping on.

 

He will hate me for sure.

 

Who cares? You're not married to him or dating him. Let him hate you. It has no impact on you.

 

Worry about your husband, his wife, and his kids hating you. That's what matters.

[bathtub-row]

If you guys get back together, then it needs to be after you both divorce. Please don't get involved in an affair. It will tear you up, and everyone else in your sphere. It sounds like the two of you have unfinished business. I think he never stopped loving you, and you love him for the how much he loves you and how much you enjoy one another's company. It does indeed sound like a very unique connection and it's possible that the two of you should be together. Just do it the right way, or don't bother with it.

[whichwayisup]

​We spoke just now.

 

I asked him point blank what he's after, a friendship or sex. He was honest. Said our connection/passion/history are stronger than anything he has. That he makes love to me through BS. He swears he never loved anyone else.. how I always took his feelings towards me as a joke.. that I'm being unfair since I am the one who never wanted exclusivity?

 

He wanted to meet up tomorrow. So as a test agreed on the condition it's in his bed. He didn't even hesitate. Fail.

 

Bolded. Really, you believe this crap he's telling you?

 

You want him back, but what about your husband? Where does he fit into all this?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe i'm wrong but I don't really believe in EAs otherwise most friendships would fall under this category.

 

You had an affair with him so therefore any 'platonic' and 'innocent' friendship could never happen. Ask any OW on here if they were able to continue being "just" friends with their exAP's. It's impossible.

 

Uh, friendships are PLATONIC and not sexual. There's a difference in caring and being attached to friendships vs someone you had sex with while you both are married. The emotional side of this can't compare. You're reaching and hoping.

[Cressida]

Bolded. Really, you believe this crap he's telling you?

 

You want him back, but what about your husband? Where does he fit into all this?

 

The making love through the BS, that's something I've never heard before. He's openly telling you he has sexual relations with his wife???? lo and behold....never heard of this one before, he's original i guess.

 

Cif, just settle down....focus on your husband OR get a divorce....I've never thought I'd ever say this but no disrespect, I do believe you're doing your husband and whole family a disservice with this particular mindset....it's unjust for you and them, altogether.

[William]

Due to wildly off-topic and inflammatory postings proliferating, 55 posts deleted and thread closed. Members who were moderated or suspended will regain their posting privileges eventually. When moderation has to engage at this level, it never ends well, so I'd strongly suggest staying adherent to the topic and refrain from lobbing disrespectful missiles at other members.

 

For those members who endeavored to remain respectful and on-topic, thank you for your participation. Some posts were edited and there are a few hanging quotes due to time constraints.