My Girlfriends Parents Are Ruining Our Relationship

[coffey89]

Hi everyone I have a bit of problem I want to share with everyone to see if anyone has went through this too or can give me advice regarding my girlfriend parents.

 

My girlfriend and I have been dating for almost a year now. I'm 25 and shes 23. We met at college and funny enough we found out our hometowns are only 30 minutes away.

 

Within 3 months of dating we decided to head home on a random weekend to meet each others parents. Driving down there she breaks it to me her parents were busy. At that time it was okay. She met mine and they really love her.

 

Summer break comes and we headed back home. I asked if it would be okay to meet her parents. She said she doesn't think its a good idea. When I asked why I found out when she told her parents about me they flat told her they didn't care and changed the subject. She tried saying that she wanted me to meet them and they said they didn't care about me.

 

I felt so bad because she cried about that for months. She tried making it better around June time by introducing me to her best friends mom. Apparently my girlfriend considers her best friends mom as a second mom. It was great because it was like meeting her actual parents. And the best part is they approve of me.

 

Towards the end of the summer I built a good relationship with her best friends mom. Anytime I went to pick her up for dates we would meet there. It honestly was like that was her house and those were her parents.

 

The last day we were in town before we had to leave for school I did my usual of going to her best friends house to pick her up for a date. She wasn't there yet but the parents invited me in. The best friends mom sat next to me and said she needed to talk to me. She said that my girlfriends parents are very weird. They don't care about anyone and are very stale people. She said that most of the time if my girlfriend is crying its because of there stupidity of not appreciating her. She warned me that when I meet them I needed to be prepared. After that my girlfriend showed up and we went on our date. And the next day we moved back to school.

 

About a month later my girlfriend very excitedly announced that we were going to meet her parents and sisters at a restaurant in her home town. I get excited too

 

The big day comes. We get dressed up and we go to the restaurant. For the first time I see her parents. When we got the table they said hi to her but they stared at me. I smiled, said hello and introduced my self. They just stared at me like I was some kind of alien. They didn't say anything to me. That whole dinner I awkwardly sat there waiting for them to acknowledge me. The only time they acknowledged me is when they found out where I work and they asked for free tickets to the place. Dinner ends and they never once made me feel welcomed. My girlfriends says it was great and I was honest why I didn't think it was great. It ended in a big fight but we made up a couple of days later.

 

She pitches the idea we should try again and that I should talk more. I agreed to it. This time we were going to her actual house. It was exciting to see where she grew up and stuff but it was the same thing no one acknowledged me. I tried talking to them multiple times but they would either ignore me or shoot me down with one worded responses. I remember I was sitting in the living room with her dad and he was watching an american football game. I commented on which team I liked and the dad said this "I don't like football" turned the tv off and left me alone in the living room. It was a very bad feeling he gave me. Like I was a burden on them

 

To keep this fairly short for months we kept trying to get her parents to ask me the basic parent questions but they truly don't care about me and it leads to a lot of fights. Like a couple weeks ago my girlfriend got very excited that my parents bought her this mountain size worth of Christmas presents. She called her mom and very excitedly told her the good news. This is her moms response "I guess that means I need to buy him something". After she got of the phone I asked her why they never call me by my name that led to a fight. They always refer to me as "Him"

 

I'm just tired of being treated like crap by her parents and I'm tired that anytime I tell her the meetings don't go as she thinks it does it leads to fights.

 

I love my girlfriend to death. I even I thought about marrying her but honestly her parents are giving me second thoughts. Is this normal to not want to marry someone because of there parents? Also any suggestions on what I should do is much appreciated because these leaches of parents are ruining our relationship

Edited December 23, 2014 by coffey89

[Satu]

You should continue being civil and polite to her parents, but give up on them ever being any different towards you.

 

Don't criticise them to your girlfriend. That puts her in the middle, and she'll feel that she's getting crushed.

 

Even if you think they are vile, keep it to yourself.

 

They are not worth fighting about.

[Diezel]

It's one thing to have to deal with the parents... or in this case, "not deal with them", but if she is blind to the way they are treating you when she is there, then you have a bigger problem.

 

What does she say about what you feel when you are with her parents? Apparently it leads to fights, so she must disagree with your assessment or... scarily enough, they are showing you their "good side".

 

It seems like there is some family dysfunction there of a really bad kind. Take heed, this could be a red flag, specially if she can't tell the difference between how your parents treat her versus how her parents treat you.

 

Also, the fact that the best friend's mom actually acknowledges it is a huge indicator. Remember, sometimes the apples don't fall too far from the trees.

[coffey89]

It's one thing to have to deal with the parents... or in this case, "not deal with them", but if she is blind to the way they are treating you when she is there, then you have a bigger problem.

 

What does she say about what you feel when you are with her parents? Apparently it leads to fights, so she must disagree with your assessment or... scarily enough, they are showing you their "good side".

 

It seems like there is some family dysfunction there of a really bad kind. Take heed, this could be a red flag, specially if she can't tell the difference between how your parents treat her versus how her parents treat you.

 

Also, the fact that the best friend's mom actually acknowledges it is a huge indicator. Remember, sometimes the apples don't fall too far from the trees.

 

Anytime I mention what her parents do to me she agrees at first and says they are just shy. Then after a little bit it leads to her getting mad because she says I'm talking down on her parents.

 

There is family dysfunction. The kids literally raise them selves. My girlfriend tells me stories on how as a kid dinner was always a free for all. If you were hungry you made whatever you want whenever you want. Like one time I was at her house her 11 year old sister made cookies for her dinner and ate them in her bed room. Its madness to me.

 

Almost on a daily bases she tells me shes jealous that I have such a great mom. Shes even went as far as saying she wished her mom acted like that towards her.

[Diezel]

From now on, observe and analyze.

 

If you want to marry her, remember, these are the values bestowed upon her by her own parents. How will that be passed on to your own kids, should you two have any?

 

From now on, you say nothing about her parents. If she says anything, agree and amplify. But now you know what you are dealing with as far as THEY are concerned. The real problem is whether SHE has picked up those traits and they will suddenly blossom as the relationship gets deeper and deeper.

[bubbaganoosh]

If I were you, I would seriously not think about marriage with her. The girls' parents will be with her until they meet their maker and that could be a long time coming which means many a fight about them.

 

If she can't see the difference how your parents treat her and the way her's treat you, then she never will.

[Winterina]

I had similar issue in which my boyfriend's mother and sister were being evil to me and were putting themselves in between me and my boyfriend.

The issue was solved the only way it could be solved. My boyfriend set the new standards and said he will not talk to his sister until she shows some respect towards me and therefore towards him too. Now he is not talking to his own sister. His mother was a bit smarter and saw she is going to lose him if she tries to manipulate him and she changed into a more polite person.

 

 

The situation you describe, IMO, can only be solved by your girlfriend. She does not have to put up with anything any more as she is not a child but adult and therefore her parents should show some respect towards her choices in life (and you seem to deserve that), or simply act like sane human beings. You could think about what you feel and tell it to her rather than argue with her. You feel isolated and rejected? Hurt? Awkward? Situation is tense when you are around her parents? Makes you feel like never seeing them again? Makes you think and doubt your future with her? Ask her if she thinks that her parents should perhaps make more effort with you and if she should talk about it with them. Finally, if she cannot protect you in this situation, then you should either accept it forever or move on to someone else...

 

 

Do not put up with anyone's crap. Just because they are her parents does not give them carte blanche to do whatever they want and treat you like a nobody.

[kmoney85]

I agree with the other posters that you should really give up on them being any different towards you in the future, and that you should refrain from bad mouthing them to your girlfriend to avid upsetting her. But, based on the first part of your post, she would cry over her parents and considered her friends mom a second mom. The relationship and the way they act obviously upset her. I am sure she has difficulty with the situation so I would not be as concerned with her acting like her parents someday. You know her and how she is as a person. What I would be concerned with is marrying into the family and raising your kids around them. Obviously if you get married youll want to support whatever type of relationship she wants to maintain with them but youll also be providing some sort of normalcy to her life through your family. I guess you need to decide if her family is something you feel you can handle for the rest of their lives and if you want to subject your future children to that as well.