Facebook making me insecure.

[Eighty_nine]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 months. He brought up exclusivity a few weeks in and last week asked for us to be a couple. I agreed and he immediately added me as his girlfriend on facebook- something I think is so sweet. Anyway, we are good together. High level of physical chemistry, no drama and we have fun together.

 

But I like him so much that sometimes I find myself not being my true self around him- wanting to be perfect, poised, calm... Stuff I'm not. The thing is, we are at our best when I'm my silly, scatterbrained, real self. So I wish I could get past this "image" thing. If I was less into him, I'd be able to be myself more easily (ironically).

 

Anyway, that's our only "problem". But facebook now has a new feature that makes it very easy to find old posts. I Saw a couple dozen super lovey, jokey happy posts his ex tagged him in. They were on and off and have been off for almost a year, I think, although they were in some contact a couple months before we met. Last I knew she was in a new relationship... Not sure.

 

But this girl had 4 kids from a previous relationship, no job, and very serious jealousy issues. She relied on him to take care of her and sounds a bit unstable. I'm just as attractive as she is (maybe more attractive), have a decent job, graduate degree, am independent and social. I mean, on paper I'm sure im a better "catch" than this other girl. But looking at all this super lovey (her posting long statuses on how she'll love him eternally, and about all the reasons why she loves him) and posts with lots of inside jokes makes me question the connection he and I have- like, theirs was strong and ours is really lacking. But really, our pace has felt really natural and comfortable. Still, I feel like they were farther along at 2 months in.

 

But nothing feels wrong when we're together. There's still some mystery, still more to learn about one another, more intimacy to be had. But it's never felt fast or forced. Things generally FEEL right but when I compare us to the special relationship he had with his ex, I feel very insecure.

 

Obviously I'll get a bunch of "don't look at her facebook!" Replies, which is fine. But any idea on how to cope with this? I feel more pressure now that we're "official" to be more serious, closer, etc., and especially so when I think of this girl. I really wonder if he's over her too, considering how intense their relationship used to be- and it hasn't been THAT long since they broke up.

 

Side note- he implied that he loved me the other day. I jokingly asked him if he "still liked me" after I made a fake-mean joke and he said "of course, and I'm restraining myself from using another L word". It seemed too soon so I just hugged and kissed him and continued being jokey. But my paranoid self thinks he said that because he's trying to move he & I along, so he can get over her. Wtf? A little far fetched.

 

Edited December 23, 2014 by lissvarna

[ponchsox]

Facebook is garbage. There are people posting anti-cop crap now. I'm about to delete my account.

[spanishchick00]

The reasons why I hate facebook! Its ruins everything. If I'm causally seeing a guy, I check his facebook and try to see what photos and posts he likes. Then I start checking who is friends are and see if there are any cute girls on there. Then, if I notice an attractive girl on his friends list, I start actively stalking her page to see if there's any information about them, like photos for example. Facebook ruined me once and I keep doing this routine. Its hard not to look, when its sooo easy to check up on someone.

[BluEyeL]

You are doing fine, lisvarna! She was posting those things, it didn't mean that "they" were farther along, it just means that she was the type to do that. I don't really admire that type who posts her love all over facebook.

 

Keep doing what you're doing and just relax more. This guy seems to really like you. Just enjoy and trust all is well!

[Gloria25]

I think he should have deleted those old posts to make this issue never came up. When I first got with my girlfriend, I went thru my Facebook and deleted everything I thought might make her feel insecure. As a result, her and I don't have these problems. Facebook makes relationships harder than they already are.

 

I don't see why a person should go back and delete old posts they had with someone they were dating. Actually, if someone did that, I'd see it as a red flag. I mean, why do they want to hide it?

 

All I can say is that you have to give it time. You just know him 2.5 months. In time you'll find out what connection/contact he still has with the ex (if he does).

 

BTW, IMO, too soon for ILYs; and, I don't believe in adding people you're just dating to Facebook. The day I add someone to Facebook, I'm serious about them.

 

Oh, and about the "ex"? I'm sure that with four kids, no ambition, no job, and having a history of "handouts" from guys...she's gonna be "lovey/dovey" with whomever she can "hook" to support her and her rugrats. I mean, some women have kids cuz in their eyes it's easier than getting a 9 to 5 job. Seriously, with kids you get child support, money from the govt, etc. to keep a roof over you and those kids' heads. Some people even go into taking care of foster kids for those same "perks".

[BluEyeL]

I added my BF on facebook at 5 months in, when I was feeling very secure in our connection. But I do not go through his past posts. I don't see a point in doing that. Avoid actions that could make you paranoid. What will be will be. Try not to sabotage your relationship with insecurity and fear.

[Gloria25]

I do it because I have learned from experience that it will avoid problems like the one that created this thread. People are jealous creatures, so it helps if you can try to limit their reasons to be jealous. I've had women see pics of some of my more attractive exes then they start to ask me all the time why I'm dating them. Or, if some girl mentions a certain place in town is "our restaurant" any new girl might not want to go there. I've had this happen, and it sucked, because that was one of my favorite places to go

 

Ummm, ok....

[Toodaloo]

There really is a very simple answer to this one...

 

Get rid of your facebook account.

 

If you are spending that much time on it to trawl through all his history then something is wrong...

[CrystalCastles]

Sorry but this really is a non-issue.

 

You do realize that it is easy to write lovey dovey posts, and they say absolutely NOTHING about a person's relationship? I have found that people who post those kinds of posts tend to actually experience a lot of relationship problems which they are trying to disguise using these posts.

 

I once dated a taken man. He aggressively pursued me, and although I called him a friend, I know that's not what we were (according to his actions). His GF was constantly angry at him for this, this gave their relationship a lot of problems, and throughout, she would make the most sappy, lovey dovey posts I have ever read. Eventually I was able to cut him off.

 

The fact that they were on and off means there were problems and they weren't cut out for long term. Posting lovey dovey posts isn't really a reflection of their relationship which obviously ended.

[Frank2thepoint]

I think he should have deleted those old posts to make this issue never came up. When I first got with my girlfriend, I went thru my Facebook and deleted everything I thought might make her feel insecure. As a result, her and I don't have these problems. Facebook makes relationships harder than they already are.

 

I don't see why a person should go back and delete old posts they had with someone they were dating. Actually, if someone did that, I'd see it as a red flag. I mean, why do they want to hide it?

 

I wonder what people would say about those that do not have, or ever had, Facebook (such as I)?

[Lokin4AReason]

fb has a few option(s) at where you can block past timeline event(s) ...

 

 

only thing I use fb is talking to relative(s) and posting all kind(s) of odd and funny picture(s). I do not take that site seriously ( but other individual opinions may differ ) ....

 

 

with that, the site is a waste of time =0/

[Under The Radar]

I wonder what people would say about those that do not have, or ever had, Facebook (such as I)?

 

I'm one of those few freaks of nature that doesn't have a Facebook ...... and I've never felt a void in my life for that fact ...... nor have I ever been judged negatively for it.

[mammasita]

Oh how I could have written this post!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Trust me, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I think after this and your other post about how you are falling in love, I feel like I'm watching my relationship unfold in yours.

 

Early in my relationship I did the same, went and looked at my BFs old posts and it drove me crazy. Posts from his ex about how she loved him and she would never let him go BLAH BLAH BLAH. She was very vocal on facebook like your mans ex was. I'm the opposite, I don't like public displays on facebook. If I want to say something - I tell him in private.

 

That said, It still plays in my head occasionally, but bottom line he's with me not her.

 

He is with you not her. That's really all there is to it.

 

Everything else is in our heads, you know?

 

My only advice is this, don't bring up conversations comparing you to her and asking him what makes you better. Just know you are.....and dammit be yourself!

[ktya]

The fact that you would dig dirt through is very old facebook posts shows your insecure from the get go, especially if you emotionally react to it.

 

All you found is that this girl really did love him, or at least thats what she wanted to tell the public, when she was with him.

 

Would you rather if you had found some psycho hate posts she had made, accusing him of raping her children? Wouldnt that sort of thing make you worry that maybe he was mixing with the wrong people?

 

What counts is his actions, how he treats you. Not his facebook friends, facebook wall history, or anything online especially if its old.

 

I have gorgeous supermodels on my facebook friends list. Like seriously real supermodels who post pictures from their photo shoots and I'm actually an actual facebook friend of them. I love it when I am trolling my feed and see these amazing pictures that make my eyes pop out of my head. What if you were my girlfriend and found those?

 

A girl wearing a latex tennis skirt with a cherry and whipped cream in her mouth and tongue exposed in an amazingly sexy pose.

 

Would you dump me? Or do some psycho thing and message her how does she know your boyfriend?

 

Garg. Get off the computer. Go outside.

[Gloria25]

I have gorgeous supermodels on my facebook friends list. Like seriously real supermodels who post pictures from their photo shoots and I'm actually an actual facebook friend of them. I love it when I am trolling my feed and see these amazing pictures that make my eyes pop out of my head. What if you were my girlfriend and found those?

 

A girl wearing a latex tennis skirt with a cherry and whipped cream in her mouth and tongue exposed in an amazingly sexy pose.

 

Would you dump me? Or do some psycho thing and message her how does she know your boyfriend?

 

Garg. Get off the computer. Go outside.

 

I'm pondering this issue right know, one of my siblings has some "eh" females he's been friending, but he's in a RL. I want to have a talk to him about it, but not sure if that's my place. I don't get why he's "friending" these chicks. I must say, they have some "questionable" pics/selfies of themselves. Maybe he's doing it for the visuals?

[ktya]

I'm pondering this issue right know, one of my siblings has some "eh" females he's been friending, but he's in a RL. I want to have a talk to him about it, but not sure if that's my place. I don't get why he's "friending" these chicks. I must say, they have some "questionable" pics/selfies of themselves. Maybe he's doing it for the visuals?

 

Think about it. He could pick up your copy of Cosmo and see the same thing. Its the social media age. I wouldnt worry about it.

[Gloria25]

Think about it. He could pick up your copy of Cosmo and see the same thing. Its the social media age. I wouldnt worry about it.

 

Eh, I sorta "hope so"...

 

But, like a thread a while back, I think there's a difference in some chick in a magazine whom you probably will never, EVER meet vs. someone in real life. Someone who can actually chat, video chat, and/or even meet up with you in real life....In other words, checking out some pics can quickly escalate when you're dealing with a real, living person.

[Eighty_nine]

The fact that you would dig dirt through is very old facebook posts shows your insecure from the get go, especially if you emotionally react to it.

 

I hate to say it this way, but the vast majority of 20 something females are going to do a bit of scrolling when the people they're dating add them on facebook, regardless of the level in which they are secure with themselves. It's not about digging, or not going outside enough , the problem is it is INCREDIBLY EASY. It took me under 5 minutes to see all this stuff. This is because of a new feature FB has, which I only discovered because I updated my app. I feel like they're making it super easy to find anything anyone ever did online.

 

That said, yes I wish Facebook didn't exist. But it serves lots of positive functions for me, too, like staying in touch with friends who are far away.

 

But, yeah. I've kind of settled down for now about my feelings about her. We have our own connection which might not be out-of-this-world close but we're kind and empathic and enjoy being together, even if we're just cuddling watching TV. Maybe it's just a more "quiet" low-drama connection. It feels really, really good and i should appreciate us for what we are & not try to compare myself with anyone else.

[Tayken]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 months. He brought up exclusivity a few weeks in and last week asked for us to be a couple. I agreed and he immediately added me as his girlfriend on facebook- something I think is so sweet. Anyway, we are good together. High level of physical chemistry, no drama and we have fun together.

 

But I like him so much that sometimes I find myself not being my true self around him- wanting to be perfect, poised, calm... Stuff I'm not. The thing is, we are at our best when I'm my silly, scatterbrained, real self. So I wish I could get past this "image" thing. If I was less into him, I'd be able to be myself more easily (ironically).

 

Anyway, that's our only "problem". But facebook now has a new feature that makes it very easy to find old posts. I Saw a couple dozen super lovey, jokey happy posts his ex tagged him in. They were on and off and have been off for almost a year, I think, although they were in some contact a couple months before we met. Last I knew she was in a new relationship... Not sure.

 

But this girl had 4 kids from a previous relationship, no job, and very serious jealousy issues. She relied on him to take care of her and sounds a bit unstable. I'm just as attractive as she is (maybe more attractive), have a decent job, graduate degree, am independent and social. I mean, on paper I'm sure im a better "catch" than this other girl. But looking at all this super lovey (her posting long statuses on how she'll love him eternally, and about all the reasons why she loves him) and posts with lots of inside jokes makes me question the connection he and I have- like, theirs was strong and ours is really lacking. But really, our pace has felt really natural and comfortable. Still, I feel like they were farther along at 2 months in.

 

But nothing feels wrong when we're together. There's still some mystery, still more to learn about one another, more intimacy to be had. But it's never felt fast or forced. Things generally FEEL right but when I compare us to the special relationship he had with his ex, I feel very insecure.

 

Obviously I'll get a bunch of "don't look at her facebook!" Replies, which is fine. But any idea on how to cope with this? I feel more pressure now that we're "official" to be more serious, closer, etc., and especially so when I think of this girl. I really wonder if he's over her too, considering how intense their relationship used to be- and it hasn't been THAT long since they broke up.

 

Side note- he implied that he loved me the other day. I jokingly asked him if he "still liked me" after I made a fake-mean joke and he said "of course, and I'm restraining myself from using another L word". It seemed too soon so I just hugged and kissed him and continued being jokey. But my paranoid self thinks he said that because he's trying to move he & I along, so he can get over her. Wtf? A little far fetched.

 

 

 

So you already know what to expect from people on here, but trying to convince yourself that what you are doing is OK? Here is the thing, it's only been 2.5 months according to you, and that is a short time to be going exclusive IMHO.

 

I mean you even admit that you can't act your true self because the sillyness is what is drawing the attraction....relationship built on infatuation is doomed from the start.

 

Some women also have this problem of stalking their new beau's ex on facebook, and you seem to be doing just that. Do yourself a favour and get off facebook and other social media in order for you to have a healthy life / keep your sanity / use your spare time productively

 

So she has 4 kids...who cares if he really likes her? I personally don't find myself attracted to a woman with 2 kids let alone 4.

[ktya]

Eh, I sorta "hope so"...

 

But, like a thread a while back, I think there's a difference in some chick in a magazine whom you probably will never, EVER meet vs. someone in real life. Someone who can actually chat, video chat, and/or even meet up with you in real life....In other words, checking out some pics can quickly escalate when you're dealing with a real, living person.

 

Like I said, it's the social media age.

 

I could pick up your copy of Cosmo, look at the name of the model, find her page on facebook, try to add her as a friend and message her all in the matter of about 5 minutes. Hell I could find her twitter account and message her all day and I'd probably get a response.

 

Its the social media age.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sweetie, you are over thinking things and if you're not careful you will ruin this relationship before it even has a chance of getting off the ground.

 

You want advice but don't want to hear the one thing you already know you should do. What's the point? Facebook is just a bunch of smoke and mirrors and the sooner people learn that the better.

 

You will learn soon enough that life isn't worth living and relationships aren't worth having until you can be authentically YOU. If he bolts because you're not "perfect" it will be HIS loss. Isn't it exhausting to keep up the facade of perfection? We all look the same when we sit on the toilet and there ain't nothing pretty about that

 

Relax. Focus on the present moment not what happened or will happen. You have no control over those things, only what's happening today.

[MissBee]

The funny thing is, many of us tend to have a type in a particular way. "On paper" the people may seem different and be different in some ways, but sometimes people tend to attract a similar kind of person over and over.

 

When you talked about how jealous his ex was, I was immediately like, okay...you are too. Your ex seems to have a type where he tends to be attracted to women who are jealous and feel insecure. You may be different in some aspects like having a job, a graduate degree and so on but might be very similar in that you both are jealous people and especially when you like a man a lot you get even more insecure, self-conscious and jealous to the point of digging up old posts of his ex and then compare yourself to his past relationship. I know the tendency will be to resist this, but if you could sit with it and think about how it may be true, that might help.

 

Insecurity is a hell of a thing and it's not something anyone can help you with. It's totally up to you to figure out your own reasons for feeling insecure and then seeing how to improve that. The fact that you feel like on paper you're an upgrade but still feel so jealous of their former relationship means you need to think about why you don't feel valuable or good enough...it may also be your gut telling you that maybe he and his ex aren't over and you guys got together too quickly. I don't know which it is but you have to figure it out.

 

Yes...please stop digging into his old posts. But at the same time that's only a symptom of your insecurity and not the real problem. The real problem is the fact that you even feel the need to do it because I can't see myself digging all through a boyfriend's FB to read old messages with him and his ex. Most of our SO's have a past, someone they loved or who loved them, and it's normal to feel awkward and jealous over it so the thing to do is to not bother to look or if you happen to see it, stop there. But the fact you've gone out of your way to look, to compare etc...I mean...that's the problem. So you have to ask yourself what you feel insecure about, why you looked, why you don't feel comparable, why you cannot be yourself and have to be perfect when you like a man etc.

[Tayken]

I hate to say it this way, but the vast majority of 20 something females are going to do a bit of scrolling when the people they're dating add them on facebook, regardless of the level in which they are secure with themselves. It's not about digging, or not going outside enough , the problem is it is INCREDIBLY EASY. It took me under 5 minutes to see all this stuff. This is because of a new feature FB has, which I only discovered because I updated my app. I feel like they're making it super easy to find anything anyone ever did online.

 

That said, yes I wish Facebook didn't exist. But it serves lots of positive functions for me, too, like staying in touch with friends who are far away.

 

But, yeah. I've kind of settled down for now about my feelings about her. We have our own connection which might not be out-of-this-world close but we're kind and empathic and enjoy being together, even if we're just cuddling watching TV. Maybe it's just a more "quiet" low-drama connection. It feels really, really good and i should appreciate us for what we are & not try to compare myself with anyone else.

 

This is the one excuse people give for being on facebook....whatever happened to email and phone calls? That is like saying you wish drugs, crime and alcohol didn't exist.....all these exist, and people do it by their own poor judgement.

 

I grew up in a city of 8 million where I didn't have to go as far as 100m to get my hands on drugs, but I can tell you that I have never tried any drugs, cigarette or beer.

 

So the excuse of because Facebook exists, is a moot one.

[Eighty_nine]

This is the one excuse people give for being on facebook....whatever happened to email and phone calls? That is like saying you wish drugs, crime and alcohol didn't exist.....all these exist, and people do it by their own poor judgement.

 

I grew up in a city of 8 million where I didn't have to go as far as 100m to get my hands on drugs, but I can tell you that I have never tried any drugs, cigarette or beer.

 

So the excuse of because Facebook exists, is a moot one.

 

There are other ways to stay in touch, but I really enjoy doing so via facebook. I also travel a lot and it's such a perfect way to stay connected to people I meet while traveling. Yes, emails an option too. But it's hard, to let go of fb.

 

People keep saying stuff like "digging up old posts", but it's insanely easy to find and requires no digging. Yes, that's an excuse, but Jesus... I wish it at least took a moderate amount of effort, because then maybe I could've stopped myself.

 

And yes I certainly am jealous when I'm in love or falling in love. However the ex would make him show Her pay stubs to verify he was working and track his every move, etc. No way have I or would I ever be possessive to that point. I actually think a little bit of jealousy is healthy.

 

BUT we have a really wonderful thing- he drove 2.5 hours to spend the day with me and my family. We had such a great Christmas together. I mostly keep my insecurities to myself but they creep out sometimes. I have got to learn to manage them because this person is amazing and Ill never forgive myself if I ruin it before it can fully develop.

 

Oh, and we are our best when I'm my normal imperfect self. I have to let go of this image issue.

Edited December 26, 2014 by lissvarna

[Tayken]

There are other ways to stay in touch, but I really enjoy doing so via facebook. I also travel a lot and it's such a perfect way to stay connected to people I meet while traveling. Yes, emails an option too. But it's hard, to let go of fb.

 

People keep saying stuff like "digging up old posts", but it's insanely easy to find and requires no digging. Yes, that's an excuse, but Jesus... I wish it at least took a moderate amount of effort, because then maybe I could've stopped myself.

 

And yes I certainly am jealous when I'm in love or falling in love. However the ex would make him show Her pay stubs to verify he was working and track his every move, etc. No way have I or would I ever be possessive to that point. I actually think a little bit of jealousy is healthy.

 

BUT we have a really wonderful thing- he drove 2.5 hours to spend the day with me and my family. We had such a great Christmas together. I mostly keep my insecurities to myself but they creep out sometimes. I have got to learn to manage them because this person is amazing and Ill never forgive myself if I ruin it before it can fully develop.

 

Oh, and we are our best when I'm my normal imperfect self. I have to let go of this image issue.

 

 

Bold 1: also / have traveled a lot than the average person. Over 100 countries, lived on 4 continents and visited over 35 states in the US....oh, and I don't have Facebook

 

Bold 2: All am seeing is excuses as to justification of the digging. You still have to go look for this person in order to know what they are doing i.e. it's not right there when you log in is it?

 

Anyway....you are the ones going through this what seems like self inflict issue. The simplest way to eradicate the issue, will be to remove yourself from the drama and find something else to occupy your free time.