Should I leave?

[xylophone]

Me and my partner have been together almost 5 years. Two years ago, we found out we were pregnant and had our son and I feel like he's given purpose, joy, and life into my partner. He's absolutely amazing with our son. We've been engaged now for two years but probably won't get married anytime soon, for a variety of reasons. My partner has always had a really bad temper, and takes a lot out on me. Not all of the time, and I know all couples fight, but it's gotten more frequent. He says awful things to me. It's kind of become the norm of our relationship, but sometimes I worry that I am the one provoking him. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a verbally abusive relationship, and other times I feel like I could be trying harder and doing better to be sensitive towards his needs.

 

He snapped his Achilles while running and just had surgery to repair it on Friday. He will be unable to walk on his own or drive for at least 4 weeks. He's in a world of pain and discomfort. He hasn't been able to help with any housework or childcare, obviously, since this happened. We both work full time, I also have a commute (2 hours) three days a week, plus our kiddo doesn't sleep through the night yet. I was spent before this happened and now I am just trying to make sure our house doesn't fall apart and he is as comfortable as possible (which isn't at all because he's in excruciating pain).

 

I found a knee walker on Craigslist (insurance doesn't cover them typically), took a few hours off work, and drove an hour in the opposite direction to get it, and then home. I picked up our kiddo, refilled my partner's pain meds, did some mailing, and got home. I showed him the wheeler but he couldn't have cared less, even though it was something he mentioned to me over the weekend. I didn't say anything, I was annoyed, but it wasn't worth starting a fight over, but he could tell I was annoyed and started hurling insults at me. It's just become so standard in our relationship.

 

I told him it was just a long day and I was tired, on top of that our friends were on their way over with dinner for us to cheer my partner up, so I didn't want to start into a fight. He said that all I cared about was myself and that it wasn't his fault he was injured. He's been short with me every day and I've been waiting on him, taking care of him, and also giving him some space to just zone out on Netflix to take his mind off the pain. So this is where I snapped a bit. He runs 6 miles a day, then he lifts weights, showers, etc and it ends up being about a 2 hour endeavor every single day. He's not a body builder, he just likes to run, and who am I to stop that? On the other hand, I've mentioned to him the amount of time away from me and our kiddo in the evenings can be tough, and he tore his achilles because he was running in the rain and fell. At this point I said, No it was your fault, you shouldn't have been running in the rain.

 

He started screaming profanities at me, scaring the baby, calling me fat and lazy (I'm not athletic like he is but I'm certainly not fat, and definitely not lazy), calling me a bitch and a retard, telling our son that his mom is a bitch, and I am just sitting there crying, not saying anything. Obviously what I said was insensitive and I shouldn't have said it. At that point though, I felt like he was being so disrespectful, I didn't want to apologize. He called his mom, who lives close, and said that I told him he "deserved to fall and tear his achilles" (not what I said), and we were over, and to come and pick him up. Then he called our friends (!!) and said the same thing and called me the same names to them and cancelled dinner, literally screaming into the phone like a mad man the whole time to both his folks and to our friends.

 

I'm sorry for the novel. He's never thrown me under the bus to his family or our friends. But he does lose his temper like this, all the time, and sometimes I feel like I'm provoking him, and other times, I feel like this just shouldn't be happening and we should be able to talk and communicate like adults. He's hit me before, as recently as a few months ago. I'm pretty tough so I shrug it off. I have no one to talk to about this. He's successful, he's a great dad, he's good looking and disciplined in his fitness, he's witty and every dude's best friend. Everyone thinks he treats me amazingly, he does when we're not fighting.

 

We have taken short times of separation (a few days), it seems to help, but not for long. He's gone to counseling. He's not exactly apologetic. He recognizes he has a temper but says it is always my fault for provoking him. So, what do you think? Would you try to work it out if you loved the man, or would you walk away?

Edited December 23, 2014 by xylophone

[Poppyolive]

Oh gosh. He is abusive. He is unwell. It must hurt being inside his head. Not having control over anger, daily frustrations etc. Also he has no self regulator & control. He's doing this because somewhere when it all started he got away with it. And now it's escalated.

 

It's not healthy for you or your child. Absolutely not. How long has this been going on? When did it start? He is completely abusive, verbally, emotionally & physically. If I were you, I would state calmly your concerns. Invite him to couples counseling. If he agrees work with him. If he disagrees have somewhere to go, family, close friend etc. Be prepared for the worse.

 

It sounds like he has zero respect for you. I'd give it one last shot. Then go. You deserve happiness, love, respect.

[oldshirt]

Me and my partner have been together almost 5 years. Two years ago, we found out we were pregnant and had our son and I feel like he's given purpose, joy, and life into my partner. He's absolutely amazing with our son. We've been engaged now for two years but probably won't get married anytime soon, for a variety of reasons. My partner has always had a really bad temper, and takes a lot out on me. Not all of the time, and I know all couples fight, but it's gotten more frequent. He says awful things to me. It's kind of become the norm of our relationship, but sometimes I worry that I am the one provoking him. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a verbally abusive relationship, and other times I feel like I could be trying harder and doing better to be sensitive towards his needs.

 

He snapped his Achilles while running and just had surgery to repair it on Friday. He will be unable to walk on his own or drive for at least 4 weeks. He's in a world of pain and discomfort. He hasn't been able to help with any housework or childcare, obviously, since this happened. We both work full time, I also have a commute (2 hours) three days a week, plus our kiddo doesn't sleep through the night yet. I was spent before this happened and now I am just trying to make sure our house doesn't fall apart and he is as comfortable as possible (which isn't at all because he's in excruciating pain).

 

I found a knee walker on Craigslist (insurance doesn't cover them typically), took a few hours off work, and drove an hour in the opposite direction to get it, and then home. I picked up our kiddo, refilled my partner's pain meds, did some mailing, and got home. I showed him the wheeler but he couldn't have cared less, even though it was something he mentioned to me over the weekend. I didn't say anything, I was annoyed, but it wasn't worth starting a fight over, but he could tell I was annoyed and started hurling insults at me. It's just become so standard in our relationship.

 

I told him it was just a long day and I was tired, on top of that our friends were on their way over with dinner for us to cheer my partner up, so I didn't want to start into a fight. He said that all I cared about was myself and that it wasn't his fault he was injured. He's been short with me every day and I've been waiting on him, taking care of him, and also giving him some space to just zone out on Netflix to take his mind off the pain. So this is where I snapped a bit. He runs 6 miles a day, then he lifts weights, showers, etc and it ends up being about a 2 hour endeavor every single day. He's not a body builder, he just likes to run, and who am I to stop that? On the other hand, I've mentioned to him the amount of time away from me and our kiddo in the evenings can be tough, and he tore his achilles because he was running in the rain and fell. At this point I said, No it was your fault, you shouldn't have been running in the rain.

 

He started screaming profanities at me, scaring the baby, calling me fat and lazy (I'm not athletic like he is but I'm certainly not fat, and definitely not lazy), calling me a bitch and a retard, telling our son that his mom is a bitch, and I am just sitting there crying, not saying anything. Obviously what I said was insensitive and I shouldn't have said it. At that point though, I felt like he was being so disrespectful, I didn't want to apologize. He called his mom, who lives close, and said that I told him he "deserved to fall and tear his achilles" (not what I said), and we were over, and to come and pick him up. Then he called our friends (!!) and said the same thing and called me the same names to them and cancelled dinner, literally screaming into the phone like a mad man the whole time to both his folks and to our friends.

 

I'm sorry for the novel. He's never thrown me under the bus to his family or our friends. But he does lose his temper like this, all the time, and sometimes I feel like I'm provoking him, and other times, I feel like this just shouldn't be happening and we should be able to talk and communicate like adults. He's hit me before, as recently as a few months ago. I'm pretty tough so I shrug it off. I have no one to talk to about this. He's successful, he's a great dad, he's good looking and disciplined in his fitness, he's witty and every dude's best friend. Everyone thinks he treats me amazingly, he does when we're not fighting.

 

We have taken short times of separation (a few days), it seems to help, but not for long. He's gone to counseling. He's not exactly apologetic. He recognizes he has a temper but says it is always my fault for provoking him. So, what do you think? Would you try to work it out if you loved the man, or would you walk away?

 

 

If your daughter told you some guy that had knocked her up, wouldn't marry her and was sitting home watching Netflix and taking pills all day was treating her this way, what would you want her to do???

[Popsicle]

Yes, you should leave, and pronto.

[xylophone]

Oh gosh. He is abusive. He is unwell. It must hurt being inside his head. Not having control over anger, daily frustrations etc. Also he has no self regulator & control. He's doing this because somewhere when it all started he got away with it. And now it's escalated.

 

It's not healthy for you or your child. Absolutely not. How long has this been going on? When did it start? He is completely abusive, verbally, emotionally & physically. If I were you, I would state calmly your concerns. Invite him to couples counseling. If he agrees work with him. If he disagrees have somewhere to go, family, close friend etc. Be prepared for the worse.

 

It sounds like he has zero respect for you. I'd give it one last shot. Then go. You deserve happiness, love, respect.

 

It's been going on most of our relationship. I am to blame for allowing this to escalate and become the "norm." When he's good, he's really good to me. I just kept thinking it was me triggering him. I'm not perfect, I also have a temper, it used to be bad, but the last few years, I seem to have mellowed.. Thank you, you've put some things in perspective for me.

 

If your daughter told you some guy that had knocked her up, wouldn't marry her and was sitting home watching Netflix and taking pills all day was treating her this way, what would you want her to do???

 

To be fair, he just had a horribly painful surgery 4 days ago, he's not a pill head, and he's active, does his fair share if not more of all of our household chores. This was the first time he's ever logged into our Netflix account. And it's my choice that we aren't married. But, I get your point, and this clarification doesn't change the overall theme that I feel like I'm not in a healthy relationship, and no I wouldn't want that for my daughter, if I had one, so thank you for your viewpoint.

Edited December 23, 2014 by xylophone

[oldshirt]

It's been going on most of our relationship. I am to blame for allowing this to escalate and become the "norm." When he's good, he's really good to me. I just kept thinking it was me triggering him. I'm not perfect, I also have a temper, it used to be bad, but the last few years, I seem to have mellowed..

 

 

 

.

 

You simply need to become educated on abuse. Every word you have said above is the battle cry of every abused spouse on the planet. Just do a simple google search of abuse and you will see your picture as the illustration.

 

Every abuse victim uses the phrases - "he/she isn't always like this..."

 

"If only I was......"

 

"I brought it on myself......"

 

"If I was more......"

 

"If I was less........"

 

You are correct, you aren't perfect and there have been times you've gotten mad or didn't comply 100% with his wishes and there have been times of stress and hardship.

 

Well guess what......

 

You are always going to be an imperfect human being that gets mad, sad, angry, resentful, frustrated, mouthy etc etc etc etc.

 

And there are going to be times of stress and hardships and unexpected and unwanted events.

 

So if he mistreats you during those times, that means he is going to mistreat you forever and it means that this is who and what he is.

 

You cannot become a perfect person that does no wrong and never has a negative emotion. Life is never going to be perfect and harmonious all the time which means that the abuse will always be waiting under the surface to erupt. It will always be a part of your existence because it is part of who he is.

 

This is how it is and how it will be.

[Rainbowlove]

Let the prick go.

 

It will only get worse.

 

And do you want your son to think this is how women should be treated?

 

Where did your husband learn this behavior?

 

Where is your self-esteem? Where did you learn hitting you was OKAY?????

 

Get your Arce in counseling ASAP.

 

Let him go hit and abuse someone else.

[elaine567]

To be fair, he just had a horribly painful surgery 4 days ago, he's not a pill head, and he's active, does his fair share if not more of all of our household chores. This was the first time he's ever logged into our Netflix account. And it's my choice that we aren't married. But, I get your point, and this clarification doesn't change the overall theme that I feel like I'm not in a healthy relationship, and no I wouldn't want that for my daughter, if I had one, so thank you for your viewpoint.

 

To be fair, he hadn't had knee surgery when he hit you...

 

You are over intellectualising and rationalising the abuse and justifying his action, and not seeing it for what it is - Abuse.

Watch this - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPmv9_UYpxo.

[Poppygoodwill]

Yes he's in pain and yes, he can be a nice guy. But that's how it is with abusive people; that's how they keep someone tied into them. They're good looking and smart and can be funny adn kind and very sorry for their outrageous behaviour. And then they lose their temper and lash out all over again. The cycle of abuse.

 

I'm sure you are tough, and you do get mad too and probably say things you regret from time to time....but no one should have to walk on eggshells in their relationship, always wondering when the next episode will be. No one should have to shrug off being hit in order to keep the peace and try to keep things on an even keel.

 

It is possible to find a smart, handsome man who treats you well and doesn't hit you adn call you retard.

 

Leave this man. Find a man who will treat you with respect.

[spanz1]

before you leave for good, try this:

maybe he is diabetic, and his blood sugar is all over the place. THAT can lead to horrendous mood swings until he gets meds to control it. Is he ALWAYS a jerk, or just like at 3 pm, before he gets his supper. If he misses a meal, does he flip out a few hours later? Is he peeing all the time, and thirsty all the time.

 

 

If so, get a urine blood sugar test strip at the pharmacy and have him try it.

[mrs rubble]

No you shouldn't leave, get him to. Call his mother and ask when she's coming to collect her son.

 

You don't want your son learning to act like his dad believe me.

 

I wasted 8 years of my life making excuses for an abusive partner. The damage to my son's emotional development by the time I left (not to mention the toll on my own self-esteem and confidence) was so severe, I suffered and battled for years to get him and I into a happy place again.

 

Do yourself a massive favour and end it forever now. He will not change.

The longer you stay the worse the damage will be.

[devilish innocent]

Can I just say how ridiculous I think it is that you are blaming yourself for any of this? None of us are perfect. That doesn't mean we deserve to get insults hurled at us just because we don't always do things right. And in the examples you gave, I can't even find where there was anything you didn't do right. It's obvious this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. He is feeling moody and searching for any possible excuse to let out his anger on you. He even invented reasons that didn't exist when he was talking about to other people. That's because he knows how ridiculous the truth would make him sound. Counseling would have been completely pointless for him if he can't admit responsibility for what he's doing wrong.

 

I don't care how good of a dad he is otherwise, this is not good for your child. Your son doesn't need the stress of what he's been experiencing. I would absolutely leave if I were you.

[MJJean]

He's a douche. No way around it. And he's doing a number on your self esteem making you more likely to stay with him. Between occasionally being awesome and occasionally acting like an insane person he's got you so confused you don't know down from up. So, trust us, this is an abusive relationship and he needs to leave.

 

If you wouldn't want this kind of man for your daughter, do you want it for someone else's daughter? Because some day your boy will be a man and he will treat his woman...someone else's daughter... the way he saw his father treat you.

 

For the sake of yourself, your son, and his future partners make this man leave and change the locks. Certainly do NOT, whatever you do, marry this man.

[xylophone]

Okay you guys, I really expected someone to tell me, "No, your comments make you sound like a bitch and given the pain your partner is in, I really wouldn't want to be around you either." I really thought someone would give me some insight as to how I could better handle this situation to fix my half of our two-sided relationship.

 

These comments are jarring, not necessarily in a bad way, I just really thought people would give me insight as to how not to provoke. I watched the YouTube video, thank you elaine.. I feel like this is me. I am just dumbfounded with my own character flaws (people-pleaser), and that I have been looking at this through such a foggy glass. I'm going to get some counseling, my insurance covers it so there's no reason not to.

[xylophone]

Today, I gave him an ultimatum of getting professional help for anger management as well as us doing couples counseling together. He flat out refused saying he was no one's patient... even though he has had his own counseling before, even recently, but I don't know what exactly he's telling his therapist. When I asked him if he told his therapist that I felt like our relationship was verbally abusive, he said his therapist wanted to know why I was staying.

 

Even now, he keeps asking me, "and what are you going to do to change?" He doesn't see this as his problem. That being said, I'm sure there are things I can work on, too.

 

His parents are the best in-laws anyone could ask for, they totally trust my parenting preferences, and his mom watches our little guy three days a week free of charge, wouldn't take money even if I forced it on her. I don't think we've ever had a single disagreement. His dad can't get enough of his first grandkid, seriously devoted grandparents. They are really wonderful to me. Family means a lot to them. We do Christmas at his mom's house, she does the house huge for Christmas.

 

Well, not wanting to be around my partner since he disagreed on going to anger management, I opted out of Christmas Eve dinner and Christmas at his family's. Since my family is coming into town from Friday to Tuesday (flying in from out of state), we said his family will have him tonight and tomorrow and me and my family will take him the days my family is in town. I am sitting alone on Christmas Eve without my kiddo with no one around me, I have no family in this state. Kiddo was only 5 weeks last Christmas, so I feel like this is his first real Christmas. I am (literally) beside myself with sadness. I genuinely hope we can work this out through therapy (he did say at the end of our texts, kind of throwing it in my face, that he was looking forward to anger management after all). He's the father of my child and I love him and I want what's best for him, and me, and our son. My parents are together, so are his. I don't even know what it looks like to be in a split family.

Edited December 25, 2014 by xylophone

[Poppygoodwill]

I'm sorry you're sad and lonely but let me say GOOD FOR YOU for taking decisive action. It's not easy, but every step you take now is a good one because even if it's painful and leads to unhappy realizations, ultimately you are moving the situation along to a better place, with or without him.

 

I too hope it's with your partner who realizes, for the good of the family, that he should step up and do something to change the situation.

 

Even if he ultimately refuses to get counseling for this, it would be very good for you to go on your own. You need support and assistance to clarify your thinking and bolster your self-esteem. You need someone who is definitely in your corner, there just for you.

[Million.to.1]

My heart goes out to you on Christmas xylophone. What a tough situation.

 

Use your time with your family to rally support. Take some time out from him.

 

He wholeheartedly needs to step up and take responsibility for his abusive behaviour. You are not at fault in any way for any of this.