Wife had an affair with a married man before I knew her

[road]

The other side of that is that your wife wasn't actually cheating on anyone.

 

 

 

So his wife did not steal from her OM's BW?

[bathtub-row]

So his wife did not steal from her OM's BW?

 

Maybe she did, but she wasn't breaking vows that she made to anyone. The MM did that. I'm guessing OP's wife didn't sign the marriage license, either, or take the vows they both took.

 

Again, I'm not justifying the behavior. But call it what it is. To say that SHE cheated on someone would indicate that she made a vow to someone and then broke it. From where I'm standing, that doesn't seem to be the case.

[Spectre]

The wife wasn't cheating, but she knew the guy was cheating with her, which doesn't make it much better. In some ways it makes it worse.

[road]

Maybe she did, but she wasn't breaking vows that she made to anyone. The MM did that. I'm guessing OP's wife didn't sign the marriage license, either, or take the vows they both took.

 

Again, I'm not justifying the behavior. But call it what it is. To say that SHE cheated on someone would indicate that she made a vow to someone and then broke it. From where I'm standing, that doesn't seem to be the case.

 

 

 

Now matter how long one tries to wash that WW's actions there is no bath tub that will get her story clean. Does not matter she was not married. She banged a man that was not free because he was married. This woman though single still made herself the third wheel to the BW's marriage. She through her bad actions caused damage to the BW. Yes her AP did also. Though I am talking about her not her OM/AP.

 

 

She is just as guilty driving the get away car for the bank robbery as the partner then went into the bank and pulled the trigger.

[bathtub-row]

Now matter how long one tries to wash that WW's actions there is no bath tub that will get her story clean. Does not matter she was not married. She banged a man that was not free because he was married. This woman though single still made herself the third wheel to the BW's marriage. She through her bad actions caused damage to the BW. Yes her AP did also. Though I am talking about her not her OM/AP.

 

 

She is just as guilty driving the get away car for the bank robbery as the partner then went into the bank and pulled the trigger.

 

Well, it's good that OP's wife isn't married to you, then, right?

[loversquarrel]

While she may not have "cheated" on a person she was in a relationship with, she certainly involved herself in some deceitful behavior. It shows a serious character flaw, a lack of boundaries and a lack of respect for the institution of marriage.

[mikethemechanic]

Now matter how long one tries to wash that WW's actions there is no bath tub that will get her story clean. Does not matter she was not married. She banged a man that was not free because he was married. This woman though single still made herself the third wheel to the BW's marriage. She through her bad actions caused damage to the BW. Yes her AP did also. Though I am talking about her not her OM/AP.

 

 

She is just as guilty driving the get away car for the bank robbery as the partner then went into the bank and pulled the trigger.

The fact that the get away driver still chooses to associate with the guy who pulled the trigger speaks of a-lack of remorse and may even indicate that the two of them are planning another robbery and shooting.

It baffles me how people can ask for support in maintaining a relationship with malevolent people. How are we to support him? what does he want us to say?what are we to listen too?

[Clockwork]

It's not about the affair. It's about the fact that she continued to take his calls, accept his attempts at getting her to cheat on me as simply "boys will be boys", and hadn't been up front with me about who her friend, Rich, really was. There is no way his wife or children would be OK with it either. And BTW, though harsh (she should leave ME?) I agree with you that this problem is mine. If I was convinced that she truly was the problem, I would divorce her, hence my asking the forum how do I forgive, forget ...

 

Alright brother, I had a similar problem, sort of. I met my wife through a co-worker. I liked her right away. We got close, very serious and it seemed like nothing could break us up. One day, she told me she had an affair with the guy who introduced us. It was before me but he was married. She was sorry she didn`t tell me right away but wanted to tell me before it got too serious. She actually lost her virginity to him. She was young and stupid and naïve. He was married, was a known player and did this all the time to women since I knew all about his backstory. Years later I remembered a story that he told me about a girl he got to come to his home when his wife was at work. He described the situation rather well and little did I know at the time this would eventually be the woman I would marry, even though I didn`t know her yet.

 

 

She was very sorry for what she did, it is not the woman she is, and I myself had some skeletons in my closet prior to meeting her as well. She was honest and up front about it before we got too serious. Less than a year later, we were married. Because this made us stronger. I never felt like I should leave her, I sat back and realized that she could have never said a thing to me. But she respected me enough to say so. I talked to the guy, he corroborated the story, he didn`t want me to tell his wife and I wasn`t going to but neither one of my wife or I talked with him anymore either.

 

 

So we are happily married now and if it ever gets brought up we can talk about it openly, but there is no anger, no hurt, nothing. Because we were honest and time heals all wounds. There was never a red flag for me and I made the right call.

 

 

Now, in your situation it is similar other than the fact that she sort of kept him around as a friend. That would bother me too, but get to the bottom of that. Ask her why, maybe she still needed him for business reasons. Other than that, she did tell you before you got married. That is something that takes a lot of courage and bravery. She risked your relationship to tell you the truth. Sit back and let that sink in. She could have never told you and you may not have ever known, a lot of wives or husbands do this, but she didn't. She did choose you for a reason, and her past is her past. Lastly, it didn`t happen on your watch together, it was before you, like my situation.

[Triathlons]

The fact that the get away driver still chooses to associate with the guy who pulled the trigger speaks of a-lack of remorse and may even indicate that the two of them are planning another robbery and shooting.

It baffles me how people can ask for support in maintaining a relationship with malevolent people. How are we to support him? what does he want us to say?what are we to listen too?

 

Very true statement. She was guilty and fully admitted it as has cried over her remorse, admitting it was a horrible mistake. But all that evil stopped 4 years ago. She has no contact with him now.. The sole purpose of my original post was to ask others how once an issue no longe existed. How does one trust and relove all over again? If the behavior had continued, even as platonic friends, I wouldn't have accepted it. I told her to go NC four years ago, and she did.

[road]

Well, it's good that OP's wife isn't married to you, then, right?

 

Yes because no one wishes for baggage in a relationship. Specially when that bag contains infidelity.

 

 

The OP wife can state she never was a WW. However that spin can not remove that she was an OW in an affair.

 

 

OP, I think the problem you are having leaving the affair in the past is that you are still talking about it with your WW which is keeping the memories alive. On being able to trust your WW seems to be doing what is needed. She is being an open book giving access to her PC and phone use.

 

 

I think you are getting hung up on your WW not being able to own up to her continuing contact with her OM was her continuing her affair as an EA. Justifying in her mind that there was a true friendship and that she was not used by the OM. Your WW needs to admit this to herself and you. Doing this then the both of you should be able to leave the affair in the past. So once this last piece is done and you and your WW never talk about the affair it will be allowed to be forgotten.

[mickleb]

Just wanted to say, despite your problem, I'm not sure you're in the right section of this forum. LoveShack is a great but odd place. You get lots of insight into others lives but the feedback you get is often biased depending on where you post about your issue.

 

The OW/OM lot are going to give you one perspective and the Infidelity crowd, another. Use what you can. Here, you will hear from a lot of people who have been, and still are, hurt from cheating. They may want you to find the strength to walk, as they needed to, but that's not what I'm hearing you need.

 

You have demonstrated remarkable compassion and insight into your wife's past behaviour. You both appear to love each other, very much. You both sound completely committed to this marriage and are both in (or have had) counselling. You recognise that the biggest problem, for you, is now you. You want to move on. That is the decision that you have made, that a lot of people here have not grasped.

 

It sounds, to me, that you are not angry, really, with anyone except these 'predatory' men, as you describe them. You, understandably, have been hurt many times by their behaviour, albeit somewhat indirectly. It is your anger at this type of man that is preventing you from fully reconciling your wife's past behaviour. You cannot understand how she could see a man like this as a friend.

 

I would suggest that you continue your personal therapy. (I liked what your counsellor said, btw, it was fair enough.) I think you need to actually get to a place where you forgive these types of men. That isn't your top priority, I get that, but I think it's at the root of this and that, one day, if you can get there, you'll be free of a lot of anger you carry from what you see around you as injustice. I think that you still feel threatened from these types of guys but would love for you to be able to see that you are safe, and that they are not. In addition, though, and most importantly for right now, I didn't read that you and your wife have been to counselling together. I really think you both need help in moving through this together, now, and that marriage counselling will help with that.

 

Also, I'd suggest that you start a new thread in the Marriages section. There is a Second Chances forum but your issue is to do with saving your marriage. I think you'll get some great advice over there. (That's not to say you haven't received any of that here, it's just that I think you're at a different stage to many who have posted on this thread. I might be wrong on that, though, of course.)

 

Ultimately, dealing with jealousy, whether retroactive or current, is about learning to trust that YOU will be okay. Honestly, anything could happen in any of our futures, but you seem happy with who your wife is now so, to me, it makes sense that you go with that. You know who she is better than any of us. You already know, that even if she was lying to you about ending her past relationship, that you would be okay. You know you'd leave and you know you'd be able to deal with it. (Of course it wouldn't be easy, but you'd survive.) What you seem to be scared of is ruining the bind you now have with your wife from reacting to these strong feelings you're having. You're having these exceptionally strong feelings because of YOUR past experiences. I suspect that men like this hurt you somehow, even before the romantic relationships you have mentioned here. It may not be that cheating was an issue in your childhood, but I think there is something about this type of man you have resented for a long time. Anyway, I'm completely speculating, but I do feel you should keep with your personal therapy as well as beginning marriage counselling.

 

The key thing to hold onto, when you feel these emotions taking hold, is that YOU ARE SAFE. Ultimately, no one can hurt you like you can hurt yourself, and you are in total control on that one. If you don't want to feel this pain, you CAN put an end to it. I really think you'll both get through this and be stronger for it. And if you don't, you will part. But the pain will end, and you will be fine. Just keep trying to find what really scares you, because when you finally do, you'll crush all of its power, and then you'll be free.

[mickleb]

Double post, sorry.

[mikethemechanic]

Very true statement. She was guilty and fully admitted it as has cried over her remorse, admitting it was a horrible mistake. But all that evil stopped 4 years ago. She has no contact with him now.. The sole purpose of my original post was to ask others how once an issue no longe existed. How does one trust and relove all over again? If the behavior had continued, even as platonic friends, I wouldn't have accepted it. I told her to go NC four years ago, and she did.

 

There is more to this story! It's obvious that suspicion and vengence is not part of your personality, however at intervals when ww story becomes randomly inconsistent and her vibe changes from remorse to thrill it's natural to doubt that ww is a penitent wife. Do you suspect that she enjoyed the tryst with a married man.

[Spectre]

Very true statement. She was guilty and fully admitted it as has cried over her remorse, admitting it was a horrible mistake. But all that evil stopped 4 years ago. She has no contact with him now.. The sole purpose of my original post was to ask others how once an issue no longe existed. How does one trust and relove all over again? If the behavior had continued, even as platonic friends, I wouldn't have accepted it. I told her to go NC four years ago, and she did.

 

The problem is it should not of taken YOU to tell her no contact. It should of been automatic. That is why people are saying be careful with such a woman. You keep going on about how she "cried" about it, which for me seems like more evidence of her putting on a big show. I mean, who cares if she cried? You don't think cheaters cry?

[mikethemechanic]

I see it that ww created an aura of desirability- of being wanted and courted by many. Looking back on how the two of you might have gotten together suggests to me that ww became the point of vanity of your preferred attention seeing the multitudes around her, made you want to win her from her crowd of admirers. Is it possible that ww manifactured the illusion of popularity to control and manipulate you- did ww make you part of her "supply" of platonic friends?

[whichwayisup]

. Unfortunately this issue comes up a couple of times a year (we've been married now 4 years) and I just lose it. How do I forgive, forget and move on? I love her, but there are times that I want to leave her because of it.

You make the decision to let it go. This is her past. A big stupid mistake, a choice she regrets and has nothing to do with you. It happened before you two were together. She has proven to you that she is trustworthy!

 

I get that you don't like what she did but you can't hold it against her and keep bringing it up to a few times a year. She's over it and you need to be as well.

 

This now is your marriage to ruin. Choice is yours!

[mikethemechanic]

You make the decision to let it go. This is her past. A big stupid mistake, a choice she regrets and has nothing to do with you. It happened before you two were together. She has proven to you that she is trustworthy!

 

I get that you don't like what she did but you can't hold it against her and keep bringing it up to a few times a year. She's over it and you need to be as well.

 

This now is your marriage to ruin. Choice is yours!

 

Must he become a bedfellow with the get-away driver who assisted in the robbery where a fellow robber committed homicide yet still remains/d in-contact with him. What does this say about remorse and the power she must felt over the ow as she slept with her mm?

[whichwayisup]

Must he become a bedfellow with the get-away driver who assisted in the robbery where a fellow robber committed homicide yet still remains/d in-contact with him. What does this say about remorse and the power she must felt over the ow as she slept with her mm?

 

Then he should have left her years ago and not married her.

 

People deserve second chances and her mistakes and bad choices are her past, not present or future. Shoving her face in it is punishing her for something that happened a long time ago. If he can't get over it, then he should divorce her! But it sounds like he truly loves her and is wanting to get over it but doesn't know how, hence his reason to coming to LS and posting about it.

[road]

Yes because no one wishes for baggage in a relationship. Specially when that bag contains infidelity.

 

 

The OP wife can state she never was a WW. However that spin can not remove that she was an OW in an affair.

 

 

OP, I think the problem you are having leaving the affair in the past is that you are still talking about it with your WW which is keeping the memories alive. On being able to trust your WW seems to be doing what is needed. She is being an open book giving access to her PC and phone use.

 

 

I think you are getting hung up on your WW not being able to own up to her continuing contact with her OM was her continuing her affair as an EA. Justifying in her mind that there was a true friendship and that she was not used by the OM. Your WW needs to admit this to herself and you. Doing this then the both of you should be able to leave the affair in the past. So once this last piece is done and you and your WW never talk about the affair it will be allowed to be forgotten.

 

Then he should have left her years ago and not married her.

 

People deserve second chances and her mistakes and bad choices are her past, not present or future. Shoving her face in it is punishing her for something that happened a long time ago. If he can't get over it, then he should divorce her! But it sounds like he truly loves her and is wanting to get over it but doesn't know how, hence his reason to coming to LS and posting about it.

 

 

 

Yes the OP needs a plan to get past this yet he never addresses this with us.

[elaine567]

Then he should have left her years ago and not married her.

 

People deserve second chances and her mistakes and bad choices are her past, not present or future. Shoving her face in it is punishing her for something that happened a long time ago. If he can't get over it, then he should divorce her! But it sounds like he truly loves her and is wanting to get over it but doesn't know how, hence his reason to coming to LS and posting about it.

 

No-one can tell someone how to forget or forgive, they have to figure that out for themselves.

Some can forgive heinous crimes, whilst others can never do, but the criminal is not likely to be sharing a bed and living with the victim or the victim's family every day...

 

Here there needs to be forgiving and forgetting as the wife hasn't murdered anyone, she didn't even cheat on the OP, this was something that happened in her past and something she cannot change either.

 

Life is too short, he either accepts it and carries on having a truly happy life without a backward glance, or he doesn't.

He then has to give her, her freedom.

Living with a man who is constantly judging her or is wrestling with something she did in the past is going to be hell for her and also for any family they have in the future.

20-30+ years of judgements, accusations, recriminations and the resulting resentment and bitterness, does not make for happy families.

[mikethemechanic]

Then he should have left her years ago and not married her.

 

People deserve second chances and her mistakes and bad choices are her past, not present or future. Shoving her face in it is punishing her for something that happened a long time ago. If he can't get over it, then he should divorce her! But it sounds like he truly loves her and is wanting to get over it but doesn't know how, hence his reason to coming to LS and posting about it.

 

"Once a thief always a thief". Manipulation is the tactic used by the chaste,by coming to LS he is learning how ww hooked into him both physically and emotionally.

[elaine567]

"Once a thief always a thief". Manipulation is the tactic used by the chaste,by coming to LS he is learning how ww hooked into him both physically and emotionally.

 

Why are you calling her a ww?

The A was before the OP even knew her and she was an OW not a ww.

[SoleMate]

She's gullible as hell and criminally naive.

That right there is a huge ONGOING problem which needs a positive solution for the future to prevent recurrence of the "willing OW" behavior. Like others, I don't blame her so harshly for being naive and deceived by a scumwad master seducer/financial planner. OTOH, I am agog that after his lies and manipulation are uncovered, she did anything other than reject him totally and tell him to jump off a cliff.

 

OP, you asked for specific advice on how to forgive, and by implication, how to move forward with this marriage. OK, here it is:

 

1) With the help of a qualified counselor, work on your wife's gullibility. I would suggest that as spouses, you should each be privy to the general counseling topics the other is exploring (in this case, not in every marriage generally)

 

2) Tell the financial planner's wife. Yes. NOT to hurt her, not even primarily for her own benefit, but for your own marriage's protection.

 

3) Talk with your wife a LOT....about her hopes, feelings, opinions, and your own as well. Really develop a high level of emotional intimacy. (Every married couple should do this, but you need it more than most.)

 

4) Think every day about the special vulnerability of your marriage and do something concrete every day to shore it up

 

5) Maintain visibility of each other's email, phone, online activity as a routine matter....but don't put much or any weight on finding it clean (as there can always be another phone or email acct somewhere)

 

6) Same as #5 but with respect to physical visits, appointments, whereabouts

 

NOTE: The above advice is specific for the OP; it is NOT my general recommendation for married couples

[mikethemechanic]

Why are you calling her a ww?

The A was before the OP even knew her and she was an OW not a ww.

 

She had an emotional affair "platonic relationship" with the financial planner long after the affair.

[elaine567]

She had an emotional affair "platonic relationship" with the financial planner long after the affair.

 

Lots of people have continuing relationships with exes, does that make them all WS's?? No it doesn't.

 

People have exes all over the place, some even work with them closely, see them in the street every day, are they in emotional affairs? Are they WS's?

NO they aren't.

 

The OP was hurt by a cheating woman once I get that, but he is taking this far too far with his current wife, and it is triggering some BSs here too, I can see.

 

Everyone out of high school, has some sort of sexual/romantic past, to keep raking up his wife's past, in what should otherwise be a happy relationship is nuts.