Wife had an affair with a married man before I knew her

[anna121]

 

OP, I can relate with you on this. I have been married once and my fiance' twice before. She had a promiscuous time in her late twenties and early thirties when her and her first husband divorced. I too had a problem accepting that type of behavior. She hadn't wronged me but I wanted to make sure that wasn't what she was looking for now. What I did (this may not work for everyone but it has for me) was get to know her where she is right now. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago and neither is she. I asked a lot of questions about who she was back then and why she felt she did sleep around. What I found out was that she also had daddy issues. Really issues with just men in general. Her father is bi-polar and was abusive growing up. Her first husband cheated on her and was verbally abusive. She associated men with hurt therefore she used men for sex only, basically so she didn't get attached and therefore risk getting hurt again herself. It was a defense mechanism that allowed her to control the situation. I realized that she wasn't the same woman back then that I know now. I was also honest when she and I started dating that I had some issues with this and had a hard time accepting. I did realize that they were my issues because it was in her past and not present however she has been very open and honest about why she did the things she did and her mindset then. It has worked wonders for us and has actually led to us being even closer. I would suggest you be honest with your wife about these things but ensure that she knows that you are bringing it up not to condemn her but in an effort to resolve this for you. Once you understand where her mind was then, you will probably find that she learned a great deal about herself during that time as most of us do when we go through hardships. Always remember, OUR pasts make us who we are today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Good luck OP.

 

Or, you know, she just wanted to have sex in ways she knew wouldn't meet with your approval.

 

While I think much of your post is admirable, I suspect that many women who use the story related above, or a variant thereof, are just spinning a tale to avoid being judged.

[road]

Wow.

 

 

His first two relationships he was cheated on.

 

 

Then the third woman he married only to find out she cheated, then hid who the OM was, and would not go NC with her AP.

 

 

Wow. Either most women are getting worse these days, he does not know how to pick women, both.

[loversquarrel]

There is a big difference between retroactive jealousy and concern over questionable moral character a partner may have. The OP is clearly being triggered by the latter here and rightfully so. His wife has clearly demonstrated a lack of respect for the institution of marriage through her continuation of a so called "platonic" relationship with a married man she had an affair with. (Things that make you go hmmm...). The guy is STILL MARRIED AND IS PROPOSITIONING HER FOR SEX!!!!

 

OP's mistake was marrying this woman, not questioning her. I'm sorry OP but emotionally involved or not you discovered this little tid bit of info before you got married, which is somewhat on You.

 

One other thing- your therapist sucks. You received some bad advice which certainly didn't help the situation because there are better women out there. You can always get divorced, you are not stuck. You have the right to choose and feel the way you do.

[Thicke2013]

Or, you know, she just wanted to have sex in ways she knew wouldn't meet with your approval.

 

While I think much of your post is admirable, I suspect that many women who use the story related above, or a variant thereof, are just spinning a tale to avoid being judged.

 

 

If she had tried to justify her actions in this way I would agree with you. She didn't. Those words are my conclusions. I'm no psychiatrist but it's just what I gathered from our many conversations as well as her actions. Either way, I can plainly see that the woman I am with now is not the same person she was then. We all go through things in our lives that change us. It wasn't about meeting my approval, I didn't even know her then. It had nothing to do with me just as the OP's wife's past had nothing to do with him. My point being that if he honestly feels that she is a different person now than she was then and he isn't worried that she will cheat on him, then maybe she learned her lesson. My fiance' said that period of time in her life left her empty and unfulfilled and with an exceptionally low self esteem. As others have stated the problem with the OP's situation wasn't her past but the continuation of the relationship without being totally honest with her H. If I found out that my fiance' was still having even a "friendly" relationship with a past sexual partner without my knowledge I would not be planning a wedding.

[elaine567]

 

I went to therapy to learn how to live with all of this, after all, I got married fully aware of her past. She says it wss a huge mistake which she regrets. But why maintain the friendship? The psych told me I could certainly leave a woman who has made some very serous errors in judgment and go find someone without a past (she laughed and said good luck with that) or believe that my wife truly loves me, didn't have to tell me because it's doubtful I would have ever found out, and could have taken him up on his offer for a booty call which I wouldn't have known about.

 

 

One other thing- your therapist sucks. You received some bad advice which certainly didn't help the situation because there are better women out there. You can always get divorced, you are not stuck. You have the right to choose and feel the way you do.

 

Telling the OP that finding someone without a past is going to be very difficult, is true.

There may be "better" women out there, but there may also be women out there who are not as up front as this one was.

At least she told the OP about her past, BEFORE they got married, some might not have.

[loversquarrel]

Telling the OP that finding someone without a past is going to be very difficult, is true.

There may be "better" women out there, but there may also be women out there who are not as up front as this one was.

At least she told the OP about her past, BEFORE they got married, some might not have.

 

Having a past is one thing, having an adulterous past is another. The latter has a significant impact on the OP due to his own past. I stand by my comment that there are better women out there, I wasn't referring to women with pasts but rather women who have been involved in adulterous relationships.

 

Yes, she did tell him before they got married, however I would hardly call a month beforehand as being upfront. I also made mention in my post that the OP did make the decision to get married with that knowledge, and that was on him. Ugh.

[No Limit]

Do you think she would come clean to the guys' wife? Maybe that would ease your alarm bells.

[elaine567]

Do you think she would come clean to the guys' wife? Maybe that would ease your alarm bells.

 

Well, that is a different can of worms...

[Triathlons]

Do you think she would come clean to the guys' wife? Maybe that would ease your alarm bells.

 

The affair was 8 years ago. Wouldn't do a lot if good other than hurting the other wife.

 

I will say, the fu@#-ng dic#&%@d knows that I know where they live and where he works. He lives in fear that I do know everything.

[loversquarrel]

Let his wife know and you will never hear about him again.

[Triathlons]

Believe me, I've thought about telling her, their neighbor's, his boss (Do you know one of your agents preys on lonely single moms?). The affluent communities of North Phoenix are like little towns that love hearing good dirt about their neighbors. But I am a believer that revenge for the sake of vengeance would come back to hurt me and, worse, those who are truly innocent.

[Spectre]

Um dude, if the affair was 8 years ago and she still doesn't know it would do a LOT of good to tell her. She has been living a lie, for 8 years. If you don't want to do the right thing and tell her, fine, but don't say it is because "it's been 8 years" because it's better then her having stayed with this kind of guy for 20 years or 30 years. It's not about revenge for the sake of revenge, it's about a persons right to not live a lie.

 

It's also baffling to see people saying "at least she told him". Yeah, she told him..a month before the wedding. For me, that is like if you are going skydiving and right before you jump the instructor says "there is a 50% chance your parachute won't open". It's not something you wait until the last minute to say. While obviously a month isn't the exact last minute..by then, everyone would of already been invited, the wedding planned, booked, etc. So no, that is not good enough. She should of told him the second she agreed to marry him. There is no silver lining that she told him 4 weeks before they got married.

[Triathlons]

If there was any hint of any communication between them since the day I told her to NC on the dirt bag, I would have informed all of the above and walk. But there has been none. There are no locks on her phone, none on the computer. She asks me from time to time to go into her email at home to find things. There are never any weird calls or unexplained absences. I know the guy is not calling because he knows I got all the dirt on him and WILL use it if he makes a fatal error like trying to contact her. When my first wife ran off with her lawyer boyfriend I paid him a visit at his office. The guy about ***** a brick. I told him he was now responsible for all her love and care. He dumped her quickly. And no, I didn't take her back.

 

The purpose of this post was to get input on how to forgive, forget. And move on. I love my wife and I want to stay married. A lot of bad sh!+ has happened to her, some by her own hand, which she admits. She sobbed buckets when she told me about her past. I feel sorry for her neglected childhood. I feel bad that she married another millionaire bag of sh,!+ who ended up a penniless corpse on his father's bathroom floor. I feel sorry that she was foolish enough to be duped by the first guy that paid any attention to her 5 years since her first divorce. She truly regrets what she's done. She's gullible as hell and criminally naive.I personally believe she remained "friends" with the loser so she wouldn't have to admit to herself that she had been fu##ed and thrown away, again. She admitted her bad decisions to me, and it must have been hard. There are plenty of things she doesn't know about my past that she doesn't need nor want to know. We are all imperfect beings. And we fU@# up. Some in a very visible way. But after we change our ways we deserve a shot at redemption. She's been forgiven. She's repented. She trys to do the next right thing. I want to love her unconditionally, so I'm asking how others had the grace to forgive and get over it. She's moved on and its not a part of her life. Unfortunately, my head hasn't.

[mikethemechanic]

What is your win for having stayed in this dubious coupling?

[mikethemechanic]

Sorry guys but I could've said that I told you so, these guys online bitch they moan and they groan about their relationships but the moment you ask him hey why are you in this relationship then they take off?

I knew that this was the best way to get rid of this guy was to say hey why are you there? I think the world is divided into two types of people complainers and doers triathlons is probably sitting on the couch writing online with a bottle of beer in his hand hoping that we all feel sorry for him and the moment that we try to help him, he leaves.

I suspect that he will be here again under a different username crying the same story.

[Spectre]

If there was any hint of any communication between them since the day I told her to NC on the dirt bag, I would have informed all of the above and walk. But there has been none. There are no locks on her phone, none on the computer. She asks me from time to time to go into her email at home to find things. There are never any weird calls or unexplained absences. I know the guy is not calling because he knows I got all the dirt on him and WILL use it if he makes a fatal error like trying to contact her. When my first wife ran off with her lawyer boyfriend I paid him a visit at his office. The guy about ***** a brick. I told him he was now responsible for all her love and care. He dumped her quickly. And no, I didn't take her back.

 

I get what you are saying, except I think you are being a bit naive as well. I hate to say it, but she knows what she is doing. You can tell by looking at how long she waited until she told you all this. It makes you wonder if such the type might not be stupid enough to leave evidence around for you to find it? Look, I know you can go around this board and see lots of cheaters being caught because they didn't erase a certain email or text, but for every person like that who is caught, there are tons of people who are better at hiding their tracks. I am not saying she is for sure hiding anything, merely that you don't necessarily know that just because she tells you to go into her email occasionally or because you haven't caught her sexting or anything.

 

The purpose of this post was to get input on how to forgive, forget. And move on. I love my wife and I want to stay married. A lot of bad sh!+ has happened to her, some by her own hand, which she admits. She sobbed buckets when she told me about her past. I feel sorry for her neglected childhood. I feel bad that she married another millionaire bag of sh,!+ who ended up a penniless corpse on his father's bathroom floor. I feel sorry that she was foolish enough to be duped by the first guy that paid any attention to her 5 years since her first divorce. She truly regrets what she's done. She's gullible as hell and criminally naive.I personally believe she remained "friends" with the loser so she wouldn't have to admit to herself that she had been fu##ed and thrown away, again. She admitted her bad decisions to me, and it must have been hard. There are plenty of things she doesn't know about my past that she doesn't need nor want to know. We are all imperfect beings. And we fU@# up. Some in a very visible way. But after we change our ways we deserve a shot at redemption. She's been forgiven. She's repented. She trys to do the next right thing. I want to love her unconditionally, so I'm asking how others had the grace to forgive and get over it. She's moved on and its not a part of her life. Unfortunately, my head hasn't.

 

I just don't get it man, a lot of this sounds like you making excuses for her. I'm not saying people do not make mistakes, but something still seems fishy about this situation. I just think you should re-read your reply. You busted out the "we are all imperfect beings" note. I don't know man, it sounds like..I don't know, I just feel when I see someone saying that it is irrelevant. That is like if I kill someone and then say "well we all die one day anyways" and expect that to make it okay. Not to say this is as bad as murder, just using that example. The point is the response of "we all die someday" is that it is technically true, but it doesn't help or change the situation.

 

The truth is there is no secret to forgiving someone. You just do it, it happens, not all at once, but over time. You make the mistake in thinking that even though this still bothers you..it's because you just haven't moved on, as opposed to maybe deep down knowing something is off. I'm not trying to make you leave her persay, just saying watch out. The only other advice I can give when it comes to forgiving is just try not to think about it and just hope nothing triggers it and if something does just deal with it without getting upset. It's easier said then done of course. It really just comes to not thinking about it, but this can be very difficult.

Edited December 26, 2014 by Spectre

[loversquarrel]

The affair was 8 years ago. Wouldn't do a lot if good other than hurting the other wife.

 

I will say, the fu@#-ng dic#&%@d knows that I know where they live and where he works. He lives in fear that I do know everything.

 

You should ask yourself why she was still in contact with a guy she had an affair with 8 yrs. ago. You should really think hard on this and be honest with yourself. She was "lied" to and made this guy out to be some sort of terrible person (typical) yet she thought well enough of him to carry on a "friendship" with him?? Please don't be naive, you of all people should recognize the red flags, I know I learned the hard way myself so i've been there. Instead of forgiving and forgetting you should be thinking about protecting you.

[Triathlons]

What is your win for having stayed in this dubious coupling?

 

I love her, Mike. Its that simple. And she tells me the same thing everyday. I don't understand why you've chosen to try and antagonize me with your last post. I looked for some help and understanding because I solicit other points of view.

[Triathlons]

Please don't be naive, you of all people should recognize the red flags, I know I learned the hard way myself so i've been there. Instead of forgiving and forgetting you should be thinking about protecting you.

 

Naive, I am not. And I am protecting myself in a number of ways. One of which was to hear from others "who have been there".

 

I assume there's some reconciliation section of this board. Does everyone there who has forgiven their spouses and tried to move on get slammed?

 

My first wife got the big fat "NO!" when she begged for a second chance, but nobody's applauding me for that.

 

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Spectre]

Okay stop and take a step back. First, yes there are reconciliation parts of this part. Do people get slammed? No, but you are NOT being slammed. People are pointing out maybe you shouldn't just be "moving on" and ignoring this. It might not be what you want to hear and I get that.

 

You speak of how you did not give your first wife a second chance and nobody applauded you for it. Well, nobody applauded you for it because this isn't about your first wife. YES, you should of dropped her ass and kudos for doing that, but you kind of negate that when you have something shady going on with your new girl and you just ignore it. You seem to think the fact that you love her and she says she loves you is all that is needed. Look at the bigger picture, who remains friends with a person they had an affair with? I just don't get it, and you don't want to seem to address it and are essentially asking us for ways to get past these big huge red flags. The way to get past them is to deal with them, you are not doing that.

 

I have been there, I can tell you that. That is why I'm saying all this to you, I've learned that if something smells fishy..it usually is. I'm not trying to give you a hard time, just saying don't automatically go into "I love her and that is that!" mode, because that is how people end up wasting years of their lives with the wrong person.

[Triathlons]

Specter, I agree with you. Something did indeed smell fishy about being "platonic friends' with an ex AP. THAT us why I gave her the ultimatum 4 years ago. He falls off the face of the earth or I do. She has had no contact with him since. She told him what I would do. That guy truly does not want me stopping by at family dinner time. And I wouldn't hesitate for a second to do so. And she defined their friendship as he would call her simply as a friend a couple of times a month. They never socialized. The dude was terrified of getting caught. I misspoke when I said he called her for one last fu#$ before she got married. It was actually a drunken phone call just before I moved in. I've told her in no uncertain terns, she is more than welcome to rekindle the phone friendship, and will have no reason to hide it because I will vanish. Rich will never leave his wife because he'll end up in the poor house. The free pu$$y wasn't worth it. And again, he knows who I am. And again. I don't understand why she did what she did before she knew me, but I believe she chose to recategorize it as a friendship so she won't have to admit to herself that what she did was a desperate and pathetic attempt to find some semblance of being desired rather than admit she was nothing more than a married serial cheater's cum rag.

Edited December 27, 2014 by Triathlons

[mikethemechanic]

So let's talk about the strategy of separating yourself from her if there is more to this hapless charades. Walking out the door hasn't happened, therefore it's an unrealistic threat to the contrary it may only serve to enable her to continue in her behaviour.

[Darren Steez]

I realise there's plenty wrong in being an OW/OM.

But this entire situation happened way before he knew her.

And there is as much wrong in this case - with his holding her up to judgement and feeling so strongly about it.

As I said, circumstances in the past, beyond acquaintance, are circumstances of the past.

He needs counselling because this type of attitude isn't healthy.

Letting go, in a healthy way, is what counts.

 

And really, the past should remain past.

To keep hauling it into the present and using it as a beating stick (both on his wife and himself) needs attention.

 

What a second. She continued to talk to him (as a friend) even when they were dating. No doubt the OP probably asked her what their friendship was and was told they were just friends, omitting the part where they had sex with each other.

 

To put this on the OP as insecure is just wrong. The wife and the man had a sexual history, and continued to be in contact with the wife not revealing the true extent of their history.

 

It's a pretty big deal the difference between just a friend, and just a friend I was in an affair with.

[bathtub-row]

I think I can help a little here. What your concern is, is actually something I have worried about if I started dating someone. I was involved with a MM for a long time and I would have to know that it wasn't an issue for my new bf.

 

However much of a friendship I have with the xMM, it would be over if I started dating someone seriously. Actually, I have very little contact with him as it is. But, the friendship and lifeline a person can feel in these situations is strong and a hard bond to break. And I don't mean that because of the love and romance, I mean it more in the sense of a shared past bond. It's very difficult to explain but it's like a deeply held secret that pulled you from the fire. So even if it's not love holding it together, it's like a source of comfort that you were always able to turn to. Unlike marriages that end in divorce because one or both parties don't want to be together anymore, affairs don't usually end that way. The couple that had the affair is often left with that feeling of unfinished business. That it was cut short for reasons that were outside of them, if that makes sense.

 

The other side of that is that your wife wasn't actually cheating on anyone. Is there much of a difference between what she did and what the MM did? Maybe not to some, and not saying that her part in it was ok, but she wasn't breaking any vows that she made to anyone so it's not fair to accuse her of that.

 

Despite her lack of judgement in this matter, I do think your wife got involved with a MM because she had previously been so completely wounded that it was her way of being with someone while keeping him at a safe distance. She would probably deny this but we do so many things on a subconscious level that we're often not aware of it. Maybe you could have some compassion for your wife in regards to the pain she carries around. I think this is actually something the two of you share.

 

I will say that if I were engaged to someone and my xMM asked to sleep with me one last time, I would be extremely insulted and would probably not communicate with him again. But due to your wife's relationship with her dad, she hasn't learned that what her ex was asking of her was insulting. In other words, her boundaries are skewed. And maybe that's what you can help her with. Instead of judging her, maybe you can find some compassion while helping her to understand what it means to value herself.

 

Overall, I don't think you should worry about her. It seems like she's trying to please you in this situation. I think she loves and values you very much.

Edited December 28, 2014 by bathtub-row

[bathtub-row]

What a second. She continued to talk to him (as a friend) even when they were dating. No doubt the OP probably asked her what their friendship was and was told they were just friends, omitting the part where they had sex with each other.

 

To put this on the OP as insecure is just wrong. The wife and the man had a sexual history, and continued to be in contact with the wife not revealing the true extent of their history.

 

It's a pretty big deal the difference between just a friend, and just a friend I was in an affair with.

 

I agree with this. While I think she kept this information from her husband out of fear, she should've been forthcoming with it. I think she will be faithful and loves her husband, but she has created this atmosphere of mistrust and needs to understand what she did to create it, and needs to do whatever needs to be done to fix it.