wedding ring

[Cheshire]

This may be a silly little thing to say, but how do/did OM/W feel about their AP wearing their wedding ring?

 

I was in a long-term A with a MW, but in all the time we were together, she never once took off her wedding and engagement rings when we were together. To shower etc yes, but she wore them even when we were in bed together. It was almost like the act of taking them off with me would make the affair more of a guilty thing for her... I never challenged her about it, but it did always bother me. I was making love to someone I love very much, but on my body I could feel these bands of metal that constantly reminded me she 'belonged' to someone else.

 

Is this something that generally preys on people's minds, or was it just me?

[Blu72]

I don't wear my rings because they no longer fit, but my MM wears his band. It definitely is a reminder of the situation when you look down and see it. I do recall one time in the beginning when he made plans with me he wasn't wearing it and I immediately noticed but that was only one time.

[Nattie]

Neither of us wear ours on a regular basis. Once in a great while I'll wear mine to a family function etc, he may do the same, but 95% of the time we don't.

[FusionCutter]

This may be a silly little thing to say, but how do/did OM/W feel about their AP wearing their wedding ring?

 

I was in a long-term A with a MW, but in all the time we were together, she never once took off her wedding and engagement rings when we were together. To shower etc yes, but she wore them even when we were in bed together. It was almost like the act of taking them off with me would make the affair more of a guilty thing for her... I never challenged her about it, but it did always bother me. I was making love to someone I love very much, but on my body I could feel these bands of metal that constantly reminded me she 'belonged' to someone else.

 

Is this something that generally preys on people's minds, or was it just me?

 

So you would have felt better if she didn't wear them? So it would be easier to stick your head in the sand?

 

Normally if you are bothered by something it's your gut feeling telling you that something is not right. It sounds like you wanted some further validation that what you were doing was okay, and her not wearing her rings would make you feel that way.

 

my MW never wore her rings. Perhaps that made it easier. I'm not sure. One time we shared a really deep moment together and she mentioned something about the future. I pointed out "we can't, since you're married."

 

Then she said something I'll never forget. "You make me forget that I am."

 

Perhaps in my case I was like an experience/escape to her.

 

 

But for your case, it sounds like your MW had no intention of not showing she was married, and strictly wanted you on the side. (Similar to how powerful corrupt men have side flings that follow them around)

 

She wasn't sneaking around or something, she wanted to make a statement. From your story it doesn't sound like she felt any guilt as to what she was doing either.

[Cressida]

Yikes, that wouldn't be good. My exMM never wore his wedding ring as he generally never wore it, and in the beginning i even thought he was divorced as he lived alone, spoke about his kids who lived abroad but never mentioned a wife, so I thought yaaay! Then I found out he was married...

 

But no, fortunately I never had to see a wedding ring...probably it would have really made me feel bad, even worse about the whole thing. That can be a nuisance.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I never noticed his until he stopped wearing it, then I noticed his lack of ring. When he put it back on during our last break, I noticed it then, and again when he took it off and left for good. I'm not sure where it is now, I think his wife has it. She used to wear it on a chain, but I haven't noticed if she still does. She may.

 

My ring I took off before our PA, or shortly after, because it broke for the third time and my husband at the time was tired of sending it out to be fixed. Then when it finally was fixed, I had lost 75 pounds so it didn't fit and I was more invested in the affair than my marriage, so I didn't wear it. It is in my jewelry box. I'm not sure what to do with it.

 

Now I wear my wedding ring and my engagement ring about 20% of the time and we didn't get him a wedding band.

[Cressida]

So you would have felt better if she didn't wear them? So it would be easier to stick your head in the sand?

 

Fusion, I may sound crass, insensitive or downright cruel and unconscious now, but yes, it made me feel better and it didn't give me the impression I was openly going out with a man with a wedding ring on his finger, something I could always see.

[MissBee]

In my A he wasn't married so that didn't come up. But, I remember sometimes when we had sex I still would imagine that this is probably what he does with his gf too and that would upset me. So even though there was no ring, there were other reminders that were more visceral for me that he wasn't 100% "mine."

[daisygirl19]

I never noticed his until he stopped wearing it, then I noticed his lack of ring.

 

This. I guess I never really paid attention either. When we first met, he wore his ring 75% of the time and I guess I was just used to seeing it on him. Gradually he started wearing it less and less, and almost never wore it when we were together. By the time he told his wife he wanted a divorce he wasn't wearing it at all, except for last Christmas when he agreed to travel with them out of state one last time to his in-laws for the holidays. He agreed to hold off telling her family they were separated until after the holidays, and she insisted on him putting the ring back on for the trip, but he claims to have 'accidentally' left it in Ohio - haven't seen it since.

[solostand]

I have had two affairs, as the OW.

 

The last one, he didn't wear a wedding ring. Don't know why, thought maybe he lost it or something, he wore his university ring on his ring finger.

 

The first affair though, he did wear his wedding band, and yes it did bother me. He was touching my body with a ring that symbolized his love and vows for another. He also had her name tatooed on his arm in chinese letters, which wasn't fun to learn. I remember I would look at his hands touching me with that ring on and thought, OMG if his wife only knew. . .

 

Well, eventually she did know. They are now divorced.

[veryhappy]

I didn't care about the ring until the end when things got serious and intense. Then I didn't want to see it and was asking him to take it off.

 

 

Before that, to me it was simply a statement of how little he cared about his m and w.

[Sassy Girl]

We both wear them. They are permanent fixtures on us. All my jewellery is permanent ... I dotn change my jewellery

 

Honestly, I'd be more afraid of taking them off and losing them or leaving three somewhere. Then how would I explain why I took them off? They are safer on than off. Neither of us pay attention to them in either case

[Scarlet2]

My MM always wears his out in public but when we were alone for the first time, he took it off and put it on my dresser but subsequent visits he leaves it in his vehicle along with his watch and phone. I never mentioned it to him, he just did it on his own. I remember a long time ago he told me he doesn't sleep wearing it so taking it off probably has nothing to do with the affair.

 

Also, everytime we are out eating he'll take it off and spins it while we're waiting to be served. Seeing it or not seeing hasn't bothered me.

[nikki76]

With my 1st AP, yes, I wore mine. I never take it off, ever. So it didnt even cross my mind. He never wore his wedding ring, so that never came up.

 

With my other fling, we both made it a point not to wear them.

 

My friend once told me, "you know that thing you wear around your finger, that your HUSBAND put on you at your wedding...how do you feel, that it now has touched another man?"

 

I think about that all the time.

[still_an_Angel]

My MM wears his, it doesn't really bother me although he told me that he'll take it off if it does. But I don't want it misplaced or lost so it stays. He is married, and it comes with the territory, I met him like that and I see no point in asking him to take it off. It doesn't change the fact that he is married.

[Baby123]

In my shortish A my MM never wore his ring around me, and on the day he left and moved into the apartment I asked him to bin it and he did.

 

I would have despised it, had he have shown any kind of love or feelings for the BS I would have left him instantly.

[Sassy Girl]

In my shortish A my MM never wore his ring around me, and on the day he left and moved into the apartment I asked him to bin it and he did.

 

I would have despised it, had he have shown any kind of love or feelings for the BS I would have left him instantly.

Any feelings? Any? At All? Really? His spouse of how many years? The mother of his children?

 

 

Have you ever been married before?

 

 

My marriage is pretty much in the toilet, and yeah, I'm cheating, but I will always have *some* feelings for H...We were in love once, we share some good times and children.

 

 

If he tells you he feeling NOTHING at all, he's probably not telling the truth. Given your response I see why. I don't think you're entirely realistic about marriage and relationships.

 

 

Just my $0.02

[goodyblue]

Any feelings? Any? At All? Really? His spouse of how many years? The mother of his children?

 

 

Have you ever been married before?

 

 

My marriage is pretty much in the toilet, and yeah, I'm cheating, but I will always have *some* feelings for H...We were in love once, we share some good times and children.

 

 

If he tells you he feeling NOTHING at all, he's probably not telling the truth. Given your response I see why. I don't think you're entirely realistic about marriage and relationships.

 

 

Just my $0.02

 

I disagree. The moment our A began he took off his ring and put it on his car keys. I think it may be in a box somewhere but he never put it back on.

 

His feelings for his ex are simple apathy, even having children and sharing 29 years.

[Popsicle]

Mine nevr wore his.

[Popsicle]

I disagree. The moment our A began he took off his ring and put it on his car keys. I think it may be in a box somewhere but he never put it back on.

 

His feelings for his ex are simple apathy, even having children and sharing 29 years.

 

Right. Some people are apathetic. The fence sitters can't understand this.

[goodyblue]

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who had feelings for their ex no matter what they were. It is better to have no feelings and just move on.

[Sub]

There are a lot of M's that end amicably and the former spouses still have feelings for each other as friends and or co-parents. That's a reality. I'm guessing the perspective on that dynamic is different if you were the OW? (Maybe this is a different conversation.)

[whatatangledweb]

My FIL hates my MIL ,his ex but she made their divorce a horrible one that drug on for years. On the other hand, I still care about my ex and it has been several decades since we were married. He is the father of my children .

 

My husband kept his ring on. The OW wanted him not to wear it. She told him it bothered her. His ring would have to be cut off. It will not come off any other way. IDK if he would have taken if off if he could have.

[Daisy2013]

Stupidly, it would bother me because it was the symbol he was married. Never talked about it though. I noticed most times he'd remove it when he would meet with me, but I never mentioned I'd noticed. Often wanted to ask if it was out of respect and guilt that he took it off or whether he just wanted to enjoy our time together pretending he wasn't married. Was too afraid of the answer so didn't ask.

[Baby123]

Any feelings? Any? At All? Really? His spouse of how many years? The mother of his children?

 

 

Have you ever been married before?

 

 

My marriage is pretty much in the toilet, and yeah, I'm cheating, but I will always have *some* feelings for H...We were in love once, we share some good times and children.

 

 

If he tells you he feeling NOTHING at all, he's probably not telling the truth. Given your response I see why. I don't think you're entirely realistic about marriage and relationships.

 

 

Just my $0.02

 

That is your opinion but tomorrow my MM is spending the day with me- because he loves and respects me and made a life change for me. He is with

me and I am his partner- she is his ex.

 

I don't believe you can love two people at once, he is completely done with her, he will not be a support system for her- any love or kindness he has can be reserved for me, his boys, my family and any future family me and him have- she can make her own way- he has no obligation to her- the kids are grown and there's no tie left.

 

It's all or nothing I'm afraid- if he doesn't like it he is free to walk away.

Edited December 24, 2014 by Baby123