Husband's priorities are WAAAY off!

[Mapper71]

Let me start out by saying my husband's taste in music and mine are opposite spectrums. He likes the heavy metal/rock and I prefer country. Two years ago my husband got 2 tickets to his favorite band Metallica and he planned on taking his daughter. Well he and his daughter had a huge fight and she didn't want to go with him and he couldn't find anyone else to go with him so I told him I'd go with him so he didn't have to waste a ticket. I thought it would be fun to travel by train up to Vancouver and walk around there for the day before the concert. Well I was TOTALLY out of place at the concert! I managed to get through it but I would never do that again.

 

Then earlier this year for his birthday I got him tickets to see ZZ Top. I think ZZ Top is ok, although it's not a concert I would have chosen to go to. I went and had a good time, yet still didn't know some of the songs. I told him jokingly then "Oh now you need to go to a country concert with me." He goes "Sure I'd go and do that with you. I can blend in anywhere." I said "Oh really, you're serious?" He said "Sure!" Okay so that stuck with me.

 

He asked me what I wasn't for Xmas and my usual response is nothing. There really isn't anything I want. My birthday is the day after so I told him to just take me out for dinner. he said he planned on it for my birthday but what did I want for Xmas? So yesterday I sit and ponder what I want. I emailed him several suggestions, all experiences and not things. The top two were a Kenny Chesney or a Keith Urban concert followed by tickets to Mamma Mia, a spa certificate, an art class together and I told him I hoped he would be my date to them. Well I come home and he tells me "So you want to go to a country concert huh?" I said "Yes I do". He says "I would be so uncomfortable there...even more so than you were at Metallica." Whoa! You TOLD me you'd go to a concert like that without issue since I went out of my comfort zone to go to Metallica. Now you are just reneging on the whole thing making it sound like it would be SOOO hard for you when I was very uncomfortable at Metallica. Then he tells me that he'd feel weird at Mamma Mia when he told me no more than a month ago that he'd love to go to that as he knows ABBA songs.

 

I go to his motorcycle race days even though I'm bored to tears at them, but he really insists I go to them with him to root him on even though I get ignored by him most of the time. I barely agreed to getting one kitten but now we have 5 of them on top of our two adult ones due to his mom bringing out all 5 of them when we only asked for her to bring a max of two! He tells me all the time how much he appreciates me saying yes to all 5 of them. Now for the next 15-20 years I will never have a moments peace because there will always be a cat somewhere in the house. I am losing my mind right now as they run around everywhere and get into everything. Yet after all I do to make him happy, he can't spend 1/2 a day doing something with me that I like??!!

 

And you know what makes it even better? Sunday night he's online getting gift baskets sent to his mom, stepmom and sister (he has NEVER sent his stepmom or sister a gift before) and paying an extra $10 on for shipping to make sure they get there by Christmas. Yet the box where he's gathering stuff to send to his daughter still sits on our living room floor with some presents still unwrapped and that won't even get sent to her until after Christmas....maybe not even until after New Year's depending on how motivated he is to get to the post office! Plus I don't even know if he's going to get me anything at all! Yet my gift to him of $75 slippers sits in the closet wrapped and ready to go. He also asked me if I'd buy him a $200 heater for the garage 2 weeks ago as a Christmas present and I did.

 

His priorities are WAY WAY off! Then if I go "So didn't you get me anything"? he'll go "Well you said you didn't really want anything anyways and you seemed okay with not getting tickets to those concerts."

[hotgurl]

I thought you didn't do Christmas. If someone wants something they should get it themselves.

 

So you yourself the tickets and go with a girlfriend.

 

 

Did you get your step daughter anything?

 

You husband is a lazy, selfish, man child and you can't change him. You either put up with it or leave. I guess if you want to stay just do things you want to do and stop doing things for him. He is not going to go to concerts, he is going to ignore you and bring home 5 cats. You can rehome them you know.

 

He is going to be an a$$ to his step daughter and what you to pick up the pieces.

[Mapper71]

I thought you didn't do Christmas. If someone wants something they should get it themselves.

 

So you yourself the tickets and go with a girlfriend.

 

 

Did you get your step daughter anything?

 

You husband is a lazy, selfish, man child and you can't change him. You either put up with it or leave. I guess if you want to stay just do things you want to do and stop doing things for him. He is not going to go to concerts, he is going to ignore you and bring home 5 cats. You can rehome them you know.

 

He is going to be an a$$ to his step daughter and what you to pick up the pieces.

 

I really DON'T do Xmas, but he practically had a flat out tantrum because I kept telling him I didn't want anything and he kept saying "It's not fair. I ask you to get me things but you won't tell me what you want". Fine. So I sat and I thought about experiences (not things) I'd like to have with him and gave him a list of those and then he proceeds to basically run down the list and go "Nah, I don't want to do that, that's not really my thing, etc." I would have been fine with him simply agreeing to not get me anything but then I tell him things I'd like to do with him and he basically tells me they aren't his thing. Well alrighty then...why did you even bother asking!

 

And yes, I did get stepdaughter a gift card. I hope it's everything she wanted and more!

[hotgurl]

the dynamic between you and your husband won't change unless you do something to change it.

 

The Christmas gift incident is just another example.

 

He badgers you into doing something you don't want to do. You finally acquiesce.

 

He doesn't follow through like he said he would (no surprise there). You are left dealing with the fallout of his request and you feel angry and resentful of the decision and him and probably yourself for caving. You come to LS to bitch about it. Rinse and repeat.

 

It doesn't really matter what the situation is: Christmas gifts, his daughter's visit, the kittens, his racing, him calling in sick to work leaving you with the bills. The above is the basic pattern of your marriage that is leaving you unhappy. So what to you want to do about it. BEcause doing nothing and complaining is clearly not working for you.

[oldshirt]

His priorities aren't off....they are just guy priorities and not chick priorities.

 

If the world was truly run by men, there wouldn't even be a Christmas as we know it.

 

Now personally, I think he should just suck it up and go to a concert of your choosing. But the art class, spa etc is just asking too much of a heterosexual man and quite frankly, you'd have more fun if you did those things with some of your girlfriends instead.

 

As far as the Christmas gifts and the wrapping etc, you are just going to have to decide if that is a hill you are willing to die on or not. He's a guy so things like Christmas shopping in September and wrapping things up with pretty bows and having them all ready to are just simply an alien landscape that is too foreign for any straight male to navigate.

 

If you want to have a touching gift exchange with thoughtful gifts that people just instinctively know what to get and then have them wrapped in perfect bows with matching colors, set up a gift exchange with your girlfriends and female relatives. They are probably as exasperated and frustrated as you are.

 

Does he get up and go to work every day to support and take care of his family? Does he keep the cars in running order? Would he get up in the middle of the night and fight an intruder to the death to protect his family? Does he roll up his sleeve and reach down deep into the toilet to break up a big turd to unclog the ****ter?

 

Does he turn his back to other women's advances and cuddle you up at night and give you his lovins so you know you are loved and cared for?

 

THOSE are male priorities of a husband, father and lover. Wrapping the perfect gift perfectly and going to art classes and spas are what God gave women girlfriends for.

 

Judge your husband by husband standards and not by girlfriend standards. All heterosexual men suck at being girlfriends.

[hotgurl]

His priorities aren't off....they are just guy priorities and not chick priorities.

 

If the world was truly run by men, there wouldn't even be a Christmas as we know it.

 

Now personally, I think he should just suck it up and go to a concert of your choosing. But the art class, spa etc is just asking too much of a heterosexual man and quite frankly, you'd have more fun if you did those things with some of your girlfriends instead.

 

As far as the Christmas gifts and the wrapping etc, you are just going to have to decide if that is a hill you are willing to die on or not. He's a guy so things like Christmas shopping in September and wrapping things up with pretty bows and having them all ready to are just simply an alien landscape that is too foreign for any straight male to navigate.

 

If you want to have a touching gift exchange with thoughtful gifts that people just instinctively know what to get and then have them wrapped in perfect bows with matching colors, set up a gift exchange with your girlfriends and female relatives. They are probably as exasperated and frustrated as you are.

 

Does he get up and go to work every day to support and take care of his family? Does he keep the cars in running order? Would he get up in the middle of the night and fight an intruder to the death to protect his family? Does he roll up his sleeve and reach down deep into the toilet to break up a big turd to unclog the ****ter?

 

Does he turn his back to other women's advances and cuddle you up at night and give you his lovins so you know you are loved and cared for?

 

THOSE are male priorities of a husband, father and lover. Wrapping the perfect gift perfectly and going to art classes and spas are what God gave women girlfriends for.

 

Judge your husband by husband standards and not by girlfriend standards. All heterosexual men suck at being girlfriends.

 

You are not familiar with this coupole. MApper doesn't like Christmas. She doesn't like exchanges gifts her husband badgered her into telling him what she would want than doesn't like the answers he got.

 

Also he doesn't really support the family. And MApper has to pick up the financial slack. He also buys gifts and items while at the same time not paying bills.

[Mapper71]

His priorities aren't off....they are just guy priorities and not chick priorities.

Really? So most men make sure their mother (who he can't stand to be around), step mother and sister (who he never speaks to throughout the year except with a few Facebook messages) are happy and content with gifts on time for Christmas while his wife and daughter will get them when they get them, if at all? That's my kind of man!!

[Mapper71]

Also he doesn't really support the family. And MApper has to pick up the financial slack. He also buys gifts and items while at the same time not paying bills.

Actually, he HAS been paying all his share of bills for the past 2 months! He has been going to work everyday and working lots of overtime.

[Mapper71]

[quote=oldshirt;6067987

As far as the Christmas gifts and the wrapping etc, you are just going to have to decide if that is a hill you are willing to die on or not. He's a guy so things like Christmas shopping in September and wrapping things up with pretty bows and having them all ready to are just simply an alien landscape that is too foreign for any straight male to navigate.

 

If you want to have a touching gift exchange with thoughtful gifts that people just instinctively know what to get and then have them wrapped in perfect bows with matching colors, set up a gift exchange with your girlfriends and female relatives. They are probably as exasperated and frustrated as you are.

 

 

Hell, the absolute LAST thing I want is a touching gift exchange with perfect bows and paper.YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!! I HATE wrapping presents. It's ridiculous! It's a waste! And the last thing I want to do is Christmas shop in September! Hell, I hate Christmas shopping in December! I got a few Christmas cards from friends and relatives and as soon as I opened and read them they went into the trash. It's just more clutter sitting around and nobody looks at them again. The whole thing is ridonkulous!

 

What I do want is for him to go to go out of his comfort zone, like I did for him, and attend a concert with me and introduce him to what I like rather than have him say "Nah. I know this is what you would like for a gift, but I'm just not into it". And no, he would NOT be attending the spa with me. that is something I would do on my own!

 

I can buy my own crap. There's nothing I want anyways. But experiencing things with him is something I DO want, yet he just doesn't get that!

[Mapper71]

 

If the world was truly run by men, there wouldn't even be a Christmas as we know it.

 

 

That would be the MOST. AWESOMEST. WORLD. EVER!!!!!!!!! I would be SO down for that! Please let the world be run by men!!!

[SJS]

Actually, he HAS been paying all his share of bills for the past 2 months! He has been going to work everyday and working lots of overtime.

 

So is this why we haven't seen you here complaining about the same old thing???

[Mapper71]

So is this why we haven't seen you here complaining about the same old thing???

 

I like to complain about new, fresh things!

[Davey L]

His priorities aren't off....they are just guy priorities and not chick priorities.

 

If the world was truly run by men, there wouldn't even be a Christmas as we know it.

 

Now personally, I think he should just suck it up and go to a concert of your choosing. But the art class, spa etc is just asking too much of a heterosexual man and quite frankly, you'd have more fun if you did those things with some of your girlfriends instead.

 

As far as the Christmas gifts and the wrapping etc, you are just going to have to decide if that is a hill you are willing to die on or not. He's a guy so things like Christmas shopping in September and wrapping things up with pretty bows and having them all ready to are just simply an alien landscape that is too foreign for any straight male to navigate.

 

If you want to have a touching gift exchange with thoughtful gifts that people just instinctively know what to get and then have them wrapped in perfect bows with matching colors, set up a gift exchange with your girlfriends and female relatives. They are probably as exasperated and frustrated as you are.

 

Does he get up and go to work every day to support and take care of his family? Does he keep the cars in running order? Would he get up in the middle of the night and fight an intruder to the death to protect his family? Does he roll up his sleeve and reach down deep into the toilet to break up a big turd to unclog the ****ter?

 

Does he turn his back to other women's advances and cuddle you up at night and give you his lovins so you know you are loved and cared for?

 

THOSE are male priorities of a husband, father and lover. Wrapping the perfect gift perfectly and going to art classes and spas are what God gave women girlfriends for.

 

Judge your husband by husband standards and not by girlfriend standards. All heterosexual men suck at being girlfriends.

Of course that works the other way too. Going to track days with him is what his guy friends are for. That way he can have a good time talking s--- with his friends without wife to nag. So play him at his own game and don't accompany him to guy things. To be honest I prefer doing guy things without my wife; it's a pain taking her and having to keep her entertained when I'm on a blokes' day out.

[Mapper71]

Of course that works the other way too. Going to track days with him is what his guy friends are for. That way he can have a good time talking s--- with his friends without wife to nag. So play him at his own game and don't accompany him to guy things. To be honest I prefer doing guy things without my wife; it's a pain taking her and having to keep her entertained when I'm on a blokes' day out.

 

EXACTLY!! He has a tantrum when I don't want to go to his track day and makes me feel bad about it. Then I go and I'm bored and he ignores me and usually gets upset because I don't help him unload the trailer, but when I do help he gets mad because I don't do it right. If he insists I go to that with him then why can't I insist that he go do something with me that he doesn't especially like??

[oldshirt]

Hell, the absolute LAST thing I want is a touching gift exchange with perfect bows and paper.YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!! I HATE wrapping presents. It's ridiculous! It's a waste! And the last thing I want to do is Christmas shop in September! Hell, I hate Christmas shopping in December! I got a few Christmas cards from friends and relatives and as soon as I opened and read them they went into the trash. It's just more clutter sitting around and nobody looks at them again. The whole thing is ridonkulous!

 

 

On that note I agree with you. And here I always thought I was the only one that felt that way.

 

I'm not a complete Scrooge. I do appreciate the family gatherings and recognition of the Nativity, but I could live a long, happy life without all the shopping, wrapping and drama, that's for sure.

[oldshirt]

 

What I do want is for him to go to go out of his comfort zone, like I did for him, and attend a concert with me and introduce him to what I like rather than have him say "Nah. I know this is what you would like for a gift, but I'm just not into it". And no, he would NOT be attending the spa with me. that is something I would do on my own!

 

I can buy my own crap. There's nothing I want anyways. But experiencing things with him is something I DO want, yet he just doesn't get that!

 

As I said in my first post, I do think he should take you to a concert of your choice.

 

He does sound a bit immature, self-centered and entitled.

 

I think the key to survival here is to pick your battles and ultimately decide if there is a hill worth dying on or not.

 

He is likely never going to be someone that puts other people ahead of himself. That just ain't gonna happen. Where you need to be able to draw the line is the fine line between being frustrated to the point you shake your head, roll your eyes and then go on about your business mildly irritated. Vs when his lack of consideration is beyond an inconvenience and irritation and becomes actual disrespect and unacceptable neglect.

 

Disrespect should never be accepted. Your challenge her is going to be the establishment and enforcement of solid boundaries and expectations of appropriate behavior.

 

Expecting you to accommodate all of his whims while intentionally disregarding your wants and needs isn't appropriate.

[spanz1]

all that other stuff is unimportant. but OMG, dump the five cats! what, is he trying to turn you into a cat lady??? that is total bullsh*t, and if you put up with it, your power in this marriage will be zero going forward.

[Mapper71]

On that note I agree with you. And here I always thought I was the only one that felt that way.

 

I'm not a complete Scrooge. I do appreciate the family gatherings and recognition of the Nativity, but I could live a long, happy life without all the shopping, wrapping and drama, that's for sure.

 

Nope, you aren't the only one! Growing up I always hated the family get together's. We'd have to travel in the snow to see relatives I wasn't all that keen on anyways. Have enormous meals where everyone ate too much. Then spend so long cleaning up and doing dishes. Then, after all that, we'd have to sit there and watch them open ungodly amounts of gifts among themselves. We didn't receive anything because we were not immediate family and they would open 10-15 packages per person! It was ridiculous and me and my mom would just look at each other and roll our eyes and just be disgusted with the whole thing.

 

I'm more than happy going out for pizza and seeing a movie on Christmas!

[Davey L]

EXACTLY!! He has a tantrum when I don't want to go to his track day and makes me feel bad about it. Then I go and I'm bored and he ignores me and usually gets upset because I don't help him unload the trailer, but when I do help he gets mad because I don't do it right. If he insists I go to that with him then why can't I insist that he go do something with me that he doesn't especially like??

 

I suggest dealing with it like you would a child - don't give in to the tantrum. Tell him if he does such-and-such with you then you'll go on his next outing. Keep cool and adult about it. Easy to say, hard to do I know, especially when you're tired and don't want to deal with a load of drama.

[SJS]

I like to complain about new, fresh things!

Really? Sounds like SSDD to me.

 

What do you bitch about when there is actually nothing to bitch about?

[Mapper71]

Really? Sounds like SSDD to me.

 

What do you bitch about when there is actually nothing to bitch about?

 

Pretty much just boils down to my husband, my stepdaughter and my Chatty Cathy coworker who I can't stand. Everything else is pretty good!

[hotgurl]

Pretty much just boils down to my husband, my stepdaughter and my Chatty Cathy coworker who I can't stand. Everything else is pretty good!

 

So the majority of your life.

[Mapper71]

So the majority of your life.

 

Nah, none of this happened until I met my husband 10 years ago. Only 1/4 of my life!

[mrs rubble]

Really? Sounds like SSDD to me.

 

What do you bitch about when there is actually nothing to bitch about?

It sounded more like a good comeback to a ****ty statement to me.

[whichwayisup]

I like to complain about new, fresh things!

 

 

Glad that you got your step daughter a gift card, btw.

 

Then he tells me that he'd feel weird at Mamma Mia when he told me no more than a month ago that he'd love to go to that as he knows ABBA songs.

 

I love ABBA too but no way will I go see Mamma Mia. Not my cup of tea.

 

Also, your husband can change his mind about stuff. Just like you can as well.