"taking a break"

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by soft heart

It's killing me not to be in contact with him! I am trying to move on but he is on my mind from the minute I wake up until the minute I fall asleep! I can actually feel the pain inside me! I chose not to have contact with him so i could heal and move on but I actually feel worse! I feel so empty without him! I feel unhappy without his messages... He said the same on the phone when he called me last!! The problem is that he thinks that he has to respect my decision and he said he will not contact me again.. he even made a promise that he won't! BUT in all actuallity it's not what I want!!! Should I call him and tell him how I feel? Maybe he doesn't know how I really feel about him! I mean if I was in his shoes I wouldn't know exactly because since the break up I haven't been beggin or calling.. my heart aches! Please what do you think? I am kind of desparate!

 

I feel for you. I am in the same boat.

 

However, DON'T break NO CONTACT, whatever you do. The minute you do you'll be telling him he still has control over you.

 

It's KILLING ME to not be with the one I love. And I emphathize with your feelings of emptiness. I feel the same way. I feel like 1/2 a person without her.

 

But, unless she comes to grips with what life is like without me, nothing will change. And if she doesn't, then at least by then I will have gotten over her. Maybe not completely but I do know the longer I stay out of contact with her the faster I will heal.

 

And so will you.

[fundamental]

wrong NC

[soft heart]

This is so so hard! I haven't talked to him since that phone call he made on Saturday morning.. but I must say I struggle with not contacting him every single day! As soon as I come back from work I check my email account and nothing He seems to be sticking to his word that he won't be the one contacting me first because it was my decision not to hear from each other but I find it so hard not to hear from him and not to speak to him! I miss him terribly and I wish I could just call him and talk to him! Also why did he ask me to promise him that we will see each other again and he also made a promise we will but in his last email he said that we shouldn't meet in may as we had discussed when he made the phone call! I wish I could see him! I cannot actually believe he gave up on me It hurts! I miss talking to him! I don't know whether I should call him? I am so tempted...

[LucreziaBorgia]

He gave up on you when he suggested a "break" in the first place.

[soft heart]

But what about the emails from him... and the phone call last weekend telling me he misses me and he is lost! I am just wondering why would he want me to promise we will meet again and then he said we shouldn't when we said that we could in may.... I blocked him on msn because I want to chat to my other friends! I could see he was on msn last night all night and I was tempted to unblock him but then I didn't! This NC is a strange thing for me! I have not contacted him for the whole 5 days! and he hasn't either! I wonder what he might be thinking? He hasn't tried to break the NC between us. It's such a strange feeling not to hear from a person you love and you used to talk regularly with!

[soft heart]

I chatted to his very good friend last night and we talked about the situation. She made me think completely differently now.. Basically she said that he does not really talk aobut it very much because he is a guy and he does not show his feelings but appareantly he told her that he is lost. she said she understood that he misses me a lot but is not strong enough for a serious relationship. Appareantly he asked her about me if she has had any news from me...Appareantly he told her that he does not dare to contact me because he wants to respect my decision when I decided that we should not hear from each other for some time. She asked me why don't I call him? I said that I thought if I don't contact him for some time, it could make him think and possibly realise his real feelings. She said that if I don't contact him he will probably not contact me either so we both will wait for the first one to contact... she was kind of telling me to contact him to talk to him.. but I am not sure what to do? whether I should? I am so tempted to unblock him on msn...

[soft heart]

I have been trying to be really strong about it but I am feeling so down! Every morning I get up I have tears in my eyes! Every evening I go to bed I think of him, I miss him and I wish I could talk to him! I blocked him on msn but he is signed on every day! I wonder whether he is waiting for me to sign on?

 

I am so weak! I feel like I can't move on! I still hope and I still feel like it can't be true.. there was such a strong connection between us! Especially now after I had a chat with his flatmate I feel like I should call him or at least email him.. I feel like I want to talk to him once more time before I can finally know that there is no chance whatsoever... I love him! I have never had anyone so deep in my heart like him! It hurts so much every day! I have to work every day and I hate that I have to put on such a false happy face! Inside I am in pain!! I feel like I cannot accept that he would end it! He has asked about me his flatmate so I guess he must be missing me and wondering what is going on too???

 

I am scared that the no contact will only push him away and will make him not want me anymore! I am scared that he will think that I am no interested and I don't care if I don't talk to him again! I want to contact him so badly!!!

[soft heart]

He is on msn... I really don't know should I unblock him? I mean it's been more than a week.. maybe he misses me too? I worry that the no contact will only push him away and he will forget about me as he might be thinking well, she is not interested in me anymore? Please help what do you think?

[LucreziaBorgia]

If he feels the same way for you that you do for him, there is no chance he will 'forget' you and move on any more than you are able to 'forget' him and move on.

 

Maybe you should contact him and tell him how you feel. I expect his reaction will be the wake-up call that you desperately need right now. I expect you'll contact him, he'll tell you the exact same things and you'll be stuck right back where you were. At least though, you'll know better what it is you want to do: stick around and settle for what you have, or move on and look for happiness elsewhere.

[soft heart]

It was the hardest thing to do but I diddn't contact him for the whole 2 weeks. It was so so hard and I thought ok this is it! he will move on, meet somebody else and won't talk to me again! Well, today was the first time we talked again on msn! He admitted that he misses me and that he has been thinking a lot about me while I wasn't talking to him! he said that he realised that I am a good girl with really good qualities and that he is aware that it's hard to find a person like this nowadays! He said that he has been thinking a lot about us and our situation and that he discovered that we never really took time to get to know each other! I do agree with this because when we met, we jumped straight into a relationship and were intimate with each other pretty fast, which I regretted but it was too late to go back! He said that I am so much worth for him that he would like focus on me as a person! He said that he would like to get to know me and slowly build a foundation for our relationship. We both agreed that a relationship cannot possibly work without having a good and solid basement and foundation! I think this was lacking in our relationship and so we both agreed that it caused a lot of problems. We were both on different levels and so he said that his aim is to get to know me more deeply and grow together so we can be both on the same level and the relationship can feel natural to him. I think he felt under pressure from me but that's because I thought he was on the same level as me! He admitted that he made some really big mistakes and that he would like to correct them. I actually couldn't understand what went wrong but I think that today we both agreed and found the fundamental issue in our relationship! We did not take things slowly enough especially at the beginning.. the problem is that we are not living in the same country. But we agreed that it's worth to try even if the situation is not easy due to the distance. He also said that he would like to spend some time with me to do things, to explore things, to experience things together! I also would liek to do that! He said he wants to put aside his male physical instinct for now. He said that he would like to spend some time together without sleeping with each other because it's important for us to feel good together without necessarily being intimate so we can base our relationship on different values. He said that he realised that I am so much more worth and that he wants to do this with me!

 

I spoke to my parents and they both sounded happy for me but my dad said that he should be coming to me and making more efforts now.. We arranged that he will call me tonight but I have just received a text from him asking me if he could call me tomorrow that he hasn't got much time and that he is sorry and he said thanks and have a good night! I haven't replied because I don't have a credit but also I feel like I don't want him to take me for granted again! To be completely honest, I feel a little upset that he sent the text..I will wait till tomorrow but I am not sure whether to tell him that it upset me and that he needs to make more of an effort if he wants to really try what he says and to win my heart back! We still haven't discussed when are we going to meet and where.. but I hope that he will make his way to me!

 

What do you think about it?

[ErinErinErin]

Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia

If he feels the same way for you that you do for him, there is no chance he will 'forget' you and move on any more than you are able to 'forget' him and move on.

 

This is exactly true- and the true test of things...I feel the exact same way as you becuase I am in the same sitruation- on a break from a man I love but we moved way too fast in our relationship because we had such strong feelings for eachother and things got too bog and intense way too soon...

 

But that is the truth- if he truely loves and respects you he won't be able to forget about you!

[ashley83]

ooh I so badly hope it works out for you!! I am on day 6 of NC and its killin me

[soft heart]

I made a mistake.. i thought that we are getting to know each other all over again so we can be together again.. he was quite upset yesterday with me on the phone telling me that I am acting as if we are together again and that I need to lower my love for him and go down to his level and take things slow.. he was not very nice to me and he ended the phone call not in a very nice day saying.. so I am going back to my singlehood and you need to keep your distance! I cried on the phone and he got quite upset with me! He said that i am not able to have a normal conversation with him as a friend and that I always want to talk about "us" and that he does not want to talk about "us" anymore! He said that it's too much for him! He said after that he feels like he shouldn't talk to me anymore anyway because whather he says upsets me and hurts me and I start to cry! Have I messed it all up again? Should I call him and say I am sorry that I was so emotional and that I would like to be his friend as well to start over again.. but he said that it doesn't mean that we will be together again but I know when we chatted on msn the first time that he wants to get to know each other more to see if he wants to be with me again...? I am so confused now! He also said to me yesterday that he does not know what he wants and that I do and so we should be on the same level and we are not! What shoud I do now?

[LucreziaBorgia]

[font=arial]You are pushing him to the point where he is going to [color=red]hate[/color] you, if he isn't already there. [/font]

 

There is nothing you can do now, except honor his wishes that you leave him alone.

[soft heart]

I am sorry. I do understand but he manages to always give me the hope..why did he say that he wants to get to know me all over again to see if he wants to be with me again? why did he say that he wants to focus on me becuase im worth so much for him and why did he tell me that he can't be lost like he is and he wants to be happy like the others and he wants to do this with me and he wants to grow together? Why? Why? I think everyone would think that he is saying that he wants to try again no? Do you think he won't even want to be my friend anymore?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Maybe you should contact him and tell him how you feel. I expect his reaction will be the wake-up call that you desperately need right now. I expect you'll contact him, he'll tell you the exact same things and you'll be stuck right back where you were. At least though, you'll know better what it is you want to do: stick around and settle for what you have, or move on and look for happiness elsewhere.

 

You got your wakeup call.

 

After he said all of that you pushed him into this:

 

He said after that he feels like he shouldn't talk to me anymore

 

None of what he said before that matters anymore, because you pushed him to this final point. If you continue to call him and push, he will get to the point where he will actively avoid you, and probably get very, very mean to you in order for you to leave him alone.

 

Seriously.

 

Do. Not. Call. Him.

 

Put down that phone. Delete that email. Take him off your buddy list. If he wants to talk to you, he will. Otherwise leave him alone before he really hurts you with some cold, hard, no-holds-barred angry, permanent rejection. Do not contact him. Period. Anything you do now will just be putting more nails into the coffin.

[soft heart]

It's unbelievable... he sent me a text tonight asking me if I could sign on msn that he needs to ask me something?! After some hesitation I did! He said that he was coming with his friends to my country and that he has nowhere to sleep on Thursday night so if he could come to stay with me! And we could spend the Friday together before he goes to spend the weekend with his friends.. I said that he can! He then said that he is wondering whether it's a good idea? I said why has he asked me first and then he is not sure? He said because of our last phone call, which was hard for him? He then said that he wants to take it easy and he does not want to think about us too much and whatever happens will happen.. He then asked me if I was excited that he was coming to see me? I said that yes I am happy and he said but I mean excited.. because he said that he is. He then asked me how I wanted to spend the time togehter? I said that it would nice to get to know each other as we said on msn before again and focus on that.. and that this is would be a great opportunity for us! I asked how does he want it to be and he said "let's be clear! I have to admit that I am very excited to see you and I am not sure we can resist each other". He then said "I am sorry to tell you that". He said that he wants me.. I asked him if he meant it when he said on the phone that he just wanted to have fun with me when he met me the first time.. he said at the beginning yes but of course after he wanted to be with me! He said to me but please take it easy! I said so do you still want to focus on me as a person? He said "oh please don't worry I am not coming to see you for "that"! So stop with your questions again"! He then said "I said I want you becuase it's true and not because I think you are easy..but after your questioning I should maybe avoid saying things like that! Sorry then I don't want you now". He then said "is it better like this now? otherwise it's the end of the world for you! I said to you yesterday I don't want to talk about us anymore". He said "it's such a trouble to say things to you! your questions do you think im easy? if you complicate things like this, keep me away from you! I can tell you and maybe you should prepare a separate bed for me on Thursday then! otherwise it'll be hard! I only said "ok" and he got upset and said "great so maybe I should sleep in a different room then? he then said "anyway, we are friends now so friends shouldn't sleep together! I am just used to telling you that I want you" I said "it's ok" and he got upset and said "cool. bye. see you". I said "so i'll see you on Thursday?" and he said "well, maybe" I asked why? and he said "because if I will come I will have a hard time thinking should I do this or should I not? great time really" He then said "i don't know. i will tell you tomorrow. don't take your day off on Friday becuase it's not worth it". I said "why are you saying it's not worth it?" He said "because you didn't change! always the same bull**** with you and your questions instead of just enjoying the time together. you are a nice girl but you wonder too much and you question too much! it's deep inside you. i'll tell you tomorrow. maybe i may not come with my friends at all. i need to rest and with you and your quesitons it's impossible and partying with my friends isn't either. when I hear you it's too much complications. i prefer avoiding it! I said to him" but we haven't met yet and you are already negative!" and he said "yes but I can see on msn that it's too complicated for you to take things easy for you. he said remember that we are not together anymore and we won't be so take it easy with me! I'll let you know tomorrow." and he signed off..

 

I don't have words.. I don't get it! First he sends a text asking me if he could come to stay here and then he gets so annoyed because I asked a question? He asked me a question too no? I feel so bad now like I am really complicated! But he knows me so how could he expected me to change in a day? He said at first he is happy to see me but now he has changed his mind again? What am I doing wrong? I can't say anything to him without upsetting him? THis time he started to talk about us and how I feel about him coming to see me? Have I messed it up again? He says first he is happy to see me and now he is annoyed and not sure again?

[tokyo]

I'll apologize in advance for the following post if it appears to harsh, but I think you need more clear words.

 

First, put some paragraphs in your posts, nobody wants to read such long posts with some rest for the eyes in between. And maybe organizing your writing will also organize your thinking.

 

After reading a couple of your posts I can't help but think that it's no wonder he ran away from you. You come across as clingy, needy and desperate. I also notice an absolute ignorance of the advices that people give you. On the one hand I really feel very very sorry for you, on the other hand you irritate me. Your ex might be in a similar situation. He likes you, but you irritated the sh*t out of him. This was surely one reason to get out of the relationship, because as you yourself had admitted before, things got too serious too fast.

 

He wants to sleep with you, but without the responsibility of a relationship and all your clinginess. He's not selfish enough to use you for sex and let you think that there might be a chance that you guys get together again just because you slept with each other. He sees your feelings for him and he respects you enough not to mislead you. I'm pretty sure though that he won't take any responsibility if you do and get hurt later because it doesn't have the same meaning for him. He will take what you give him and he has warned you in advance that there won't be any meaning behind it.

 

I only said "ok" and he got upset and said "great so maybe I should sleep in a different room then?

I said "it's ok" and he got upset and said "cool. bye. see you".

I think he's the kind of guy who needs some challenge. My guess is, he feels extremely physically attracted to you, but your adulation is also kind of a turn off. He's used to it though in some ways. He wants you to want him, so he can reject you. When you tell him that it's ok, he gets angry, because that means he doesn't have power over you anymore. He's testing you all the time. He gives you a bait to see how the situation is, if you have changed or not. If you accept it, by getting all excited about it, he will scold you for not learning your lesson. If you don't, he scolds you for being cold and reminds your of your promise to never break off contact with him, etc. etc., yadda, yadda. Next time he contacts you, do not ask any questions, do tell him though what the situation is. Treat him as the friend that he wants you to be. Don't sleep with him, because that's not what friends do. They also don't share beds or any other physical intimacy. You have to stand up for yourself and be a challenge for him, otherwise he will lose interest (ok, actually he has lost a lot of interest already).

 

I've been in love before and I was desperate and clingy. If I read your posts now, I realize how awful it must have looked. I wish I had had the advice then that people are giving you here. I don't think he wants to leave completely, but unless you offer him more than physical satisfaction he won't stay or come back.

[soft heart]

I had to come here to vent! I feel quite low today! I am still feeling hurt and I am still having so many questions in my head.. I haven't heard from him and I am beginning to worry what is going on! I think what makes me the saddest that now we are not talking because last time we spoke I became emotional and I cried and he became upset at me... and then he even decided not to come to see me because he said that it's not a good idea to meet so soon that he does not feel very comfortable! I haven't said anything since and he hasn't either... I wonder what is going on? The way it was left was not exactly nice so now I really don't know what to expect? I blocked him on msn again and I know that he was signed on last night but now I won't unblock him again... but he does not talk to me now.. I spoke to his good friend on msn the other day and appareantly she asked him about me and this is what he answered "I miss her a lot sometimes but it's better like this". So I guess all the things he said that he does not want to close the door behind us completely and that we might be together again were lies? It sounds like he has made his mind completely about me! I am also very scared now that she will tell him that I blocked him on msn because I told her but she promised she won't say anything to him!! I hope she will not! I wish I could just talk to him in a light, breezy way but every time I talk to him it's hard not to talk about us! I guess this has pushed him away from me for good! I should have been more careful and I should have worked on building the friendship with him as he suggested... but now is it too late you think? I worry that he won't talk to me again because he is scared to say the wrong thing just in case I start to cry ( as he said ) and he says he wants to avoid complications.. I think I lost him completely!!

 

Do you think that he has finally moved on now without me? I feel that he now he thinks I am really insecure, needy and clingy because I cried last time we spoke on the phone and he got upset.. He said he does not feel comfortable with me now?! Do you think he won't talk to me again? He is not on msn anymore! I feel that now he does not miss me anymore! It's like he just thought ok that's it now I know why I broke up with her and I was rigth with my decision and I am happy now to be without her... I regret I broke the no contact with him! It was a stupid mistake really!! Now he has taken the power back by cancelling on me.. and by not wanting to talk to me! I was stupid that I didn't take more time before talking to him again! Do you think there is a chance that he might still miss me if I don't talk to him? but now he does not even try to talk to me or initiate contact with me!

[tokyo]

Do you actually read what people write to you here?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Do you think that he has finally moved on now without me?

 

YES

[soft heart]

Here I am again...

 

I have been trying to move on...i have been going out a lot with my friends...but I found myself missing him yesterday a lot!! The thing is he has not been on chat messenger for the past 4 days, which is very unusual for him so either he has blocked me too or he has met someone else and is busy with his new girl? He has not tried to contact me at all!

 

There have been guys interested in me but I am not interested in any of them back!! I miss him so much!

[soft heart]

You wouldn't believe what happened today

 

i'ts strange because just before I said that it was strange he hasn't been on msn for a while... anyway, just after I suddenly received an invitation to join chat but the email address was under my friend's name. this friend of mine is a guy with whom I have been hanging out a lot but it's clear that there would be nothing between us happening. anyway, I accepted his invitation and he started to chat to me..he asked me about my work and my weekend and I asked about his.. I said that I went out with my friends last night and it was fun. then I asked him how is his revision for exams going and suddenly he said that he should reveal something. he said I am not xxx, I am xxx! I felt heat coming to my face and my heart beating so fast! It was HIM, my ex-boyfriend!

 

He started to be quite nasty to me telling me "so you blocked me on msn, I am VERY disappointed with you." I said I did it because last time we talked he said he didn't feel very comfortable and he said to me to shut up! I was so shocked... anyway, he then said that he can't believe I blocked him and he said "so my trick worked... you would rather talk to xxx you fool" and then he said "so you are having fun". I said to him that he sounds angry and he replied "I have ****ing reasons to be upset. You want to stay in contact with me and then you block me!!" I said to him "I am disappointed because you chose not to come to see me at the end when you spent the weekend in London" and he said "don't talk to me! how do you know I was in London in the end" and I said to him because I could see he was offline! I said to him "you were the one who broke up and chose this so I blocked you because I wanted to protect myself and also I knew if I was on msn.. I would always want to talk to you" and he said to me "don't worry you don't have to protect yourself again because I will block you too like you did it to me!"

 

he also said to me to **** off.. I was getting really upset with this.. anyway, he then said "you block me on msn so you can then spy on me!" I said that I am not spying on him but I had to it as I said because last time he told me he didn't feel comfortable" and then he said "so you have to block me" (sarcastically). He said "I don't want to be using this false address so bye". I felt so guilty that I unblocked him and I asked him why has he done this and he said "oh you are back.. amazing! he said I haven't talked to you for so long! how are you?" I thought he was genuinly asking me how I was.. I said that I have been working a lot and he said "bad luck" He said that his work is ok! He then said "I should have played my game longer and I shouldn't have revealed so soon that it wasn't me! maybe I could have found out more about what have you been up to" I said to him that there is not a lot to find out and he said "iam sure there is..." Then he said "I am so offended you did this to me" he said "i want to forget you and I want to block you too" and I said ok and then I couldn't stand this anymore and said to him "if you want to block me ok do it because i don't care anymore! you are not understanding of my feelings at all and you only care about yourself! you are a nasty piece of work! i don't deserve to be treated like this! I don't want to have anything to do with you!! bye".

 

I felt so upset and so angry this time. I feel bad about what I have said to him because he emailed me immediately afterwards and said to me

 

did u really mean all u said at the end on msn?? that u dont care anymore at

all about me and i am a nasty piece of work and so on???

i would like u to answer to be completly clear with each other.

 

I haven't replied because I have too many things to say to him that I am upset about and I feel extremely betrayed by what he had done.. he signed on with a false address and blamed me the whole time.. I feel so upset but I don't think I want to reply to him!

 

What does he want??? We are broken up since March and we haven't talked for 3 weeks and I thought he had forgotten about me and now I feel like he is still not letting it go, like he is jelous and upset that I don't talk to him.. what do you think? Have I done the right thing? Maybe I shouldn't have said to him that he is a nasty piece of work! maybe that was too much but he has offended me so much today!

[tokyo]

If you had read my last email you would understand why he's acting like this. Ignore him for another couple of weeks, don't talk to him at all and he will beg you to come back. Don't give in immediately when he contacts you, but play hard to get, obviously with him this works great.

 

"if you want to block me ok do it because i don't care anymore! you are not understanding of my feelings at all and you only care about yourself! you are a nasty piece of work! i don't deserve to be treated like this! I don't want to have anything to do with you!! bye".

Excellent answer and as you saw, he came crawling back. He was probably right to leave you, he just shouldn't play stupid games with you and try to keep the cake while eating it.

 

Even if there was a reconciliation, I predict another breakup soon. You're just too weak for him and no challenge at all. He's bored, because he can manipulate you so easily. As long as you don't have some real self-confidence as long he will control you and eventually get bored and try to break out again.

 

I don't understand why you would want to be with someone who's playing such stupid selfish games. This is just a taste of what will come in the future. If I were you, I'd pack my stuff and leave.

[soft heart]

He has been trying to call me just now three times.. I didn't answer because I am scared what he wants and I am sure if I did answer he would be nasty to me! He sent a text message to me saying this:

 

You don't answer the phone? I guess you decided it's the real end now then? Call me back now if you want still to talk to me or I take it as you want to forget me forever.

 

What??? I don't understand this at all now!! What does he mean? He has not ended it then or what? I don't know what to say.