Kids Wont Speak Up

[Otter2569]

I have two great boys 12&15 but they rarely speak up for themselves.

 

Recently I was told by another parent that my boys say I yell at them all the time. This person was shocked because she has never seen me yell and she has been present for yellable situations. She says I should possibly yell more. I raise my voice and express my displeasure but I always explain why I think something was wrong.

 

As a kid I was REALLY yelled at so i try and be better to my kids by explaining - which my kids call lecturing. Recently I told them its only a lecture because they do not speak up and make it a conversation. Since they dont I feel the need to ensure they know what the expectations are. I try talking to them about drugs, alcohol and sex and its a one way discussion. Its so discouraging that lately I have stopped trying. We have had several long silent car rides.

 

How can I raise kids that will speak up, be confident and not afraid to share / express their opinion?

[preraph]

Try instead of talking at them, asking them questions on the subject. That forces them to say something. Then don't jump on it too much whatever they say, but summarize what they said and repeat it back to them to show you are listening and heard what they said. For example:

You: How about those boys on the next block, do you think any of them are drinking?

Boy: Drinking?? How would I know? I'm not even friends with him.

You: Oh, so you really don't know any of them well enough to know if they were, huh? Are they in the same grade as you?

Boy: No, he's a grade ahead of me.

You: Oh, I didn't realize he was a higher grade. What grade do you think it is that I have to start worrying about liquor at parties?

 

You know, just go fishing. If you keep asking questions, most people take that as interest. I realize teens sometimes just take it as you being nosy. But you have to try different things or else you're down to snooping at all his social media! Which you should do anyway. As long as you kind of validate and repeat back what they say, they shouldn't be too afraid to keep talking at least. Anyway, if all they say back is, "Dad! God! You're driving me crazy," then you're back to the validation and questions: "Uh-oh, not trying to drive you crazy. Why does it drive you crazy that I'm interested in your life? You have a fairly interesting life. Why wouldn't I want to share that?

[Otter2569]

That sounds like good advise! Thank you!!

[mrs rubble]

I can swap you a 16yo boy that NEVER shuts up!!

[Otter2569]

Hmmmmm....how soon can you be ready? LOL

[Thicke2013]

I would agree on the talking AT them versus talking TO them. I got a unique perspective on this from my fiance'. When dealing with my 16 yo daughter, who always responds to my questions of "how was school?" or "was work ok?" with the very elaborate answer of "good". I mean, it is like pulling teeth sometimes to get her to speak. My fiance was able to tell me that it seemed at times I was talking AT my daughter rather than talking with her or to her. I will now ask the same questions in a different manner. Maybe I'll say, "so how did your algebra class go today? I hear that is a tough one!" That type of dialogue usually gets her talking and then it's hard to get her to shut up! Also make sure your tone of voice isn't too overbearing when you respond. I noticed that if she told me something that I didn't totally agree with my tone would change and she would shut down. Just my 2 cents. Any way, good luck and Merry Christmas OP.

[preraph]

Yeah, I do think it's critical that you try to keep it from sounding like the conversation was the end goal. An easy way to do that is be doing something else at the same time, like cooking or working in the garage, do it while going through a car wash or while waiting at the vet or barber shop. Don't ask yes or no questions!

[austyre]

yep I have a similar issue with my oldest son who is 12 I always have a hard time too relate too him and it always seems that his intellect is beyond me by the way he has IQ that places him in the top 2 % and was offered a place in Mensa with scholarship and support which he knocked back due to lack of interest which floored me at the time>

however in saying that he does have great relationship with his mother more than me but even then she has admitted that she fails too grasp some of his theories and ideas .

He has mentioned in passing that he prefers ''direct feed back and approach'' and prefers questions over conversation overall he prefers '' being straight up front honesty no ambiguity ''

lol but yes he sometimes can be seen as rude but he is just being too honest maybe even seen as cold

but yep he does not talk unless he needs too or it is practical you ask him a question and depending on how you ''ask'' like how are you going he will answer ''I am going no where''

but in all honesty he is like drawing blood from a stone (unless its minecraft or quantum mechanics or spacial matter

 

yeah good luck