Finally employed. Still a depressed mess

[DudeMan27]

8 months ago I got a phone call from my HR department that it was my final day there. I was laid off. The job wasn't great great pay, but I liked the people I worked with, was really good at it, and was able to work from home instead of driving over an hour each way to the office. I wasn't happy at all about it, but is something I went, thru before so I knew how it went. I had a good bit of money saved up, plus up to 6 months of unemployment coming so I wasn't real worried, but I was depressed about it.

 

 

Several years earlier I got laid off as well. I also was going through a rough break up so I needed the time off, but it didn't help. This time I swore to myself I wouldn't waste this time. I'd get in better shape, I'd use my time wisely, and I'd work on myself (confidence wise) Well none of that happened. from almost day 1 I felt so down on myself for now being unemployed, like a loser. I HATE job searching and feared even having to go through the process. Looking back, I don't think a day went by where I didn't at some point beat myself up feeling like crap for being home while everyone else was working. Even the first month when it was perfectly understandable why I was off. I even talked less and less with my mother because in my mind I didn't want to face her and have her ask if I've found a job yet, and feel like a loser when I said "No."

 

 

Then of course the boredom and slight depression got to me. I struggled so many days to get out of bed before 1 or 2 pm. That made me feel even worse about myself, and since basically most of my day was gone, I'd half ass it at the gym for a bit, be bored out of my skull and go grab beer for the game on that night. This happened a lot. Just drinking to relieve the boredom, sleeping late, feeling terrible about myself, and just repeating the process.

 

 

Here we are 8 months later. I've of course gained a ton of weight (which I swore to myself I wouldn't do) I killed a good bit of my saving on nothing because I went two additional months after my unemployment ran out with no job. I absolutely wasted the last 8 months of my life. I barely left the couch. Didn't do projects on my home, didn't travel, just WASTED it all.

 

 

I kept telling myself the entire time that I better do something because I will regret not doing anything with this opportunity that many people would kill to have. Being paid while not working. But I just could not snap out of it. I recently did get another job, in training now but it was basically out of necessity as I was running out of money and pressure from my family that I needed to find a job. But the money's no different than my last job, and its just another basic customer service position like I've had way too many times in the past. I have a college degree and this is the best I can find. I'm in a training class with people some 10 years younger than me with no college education. And they got hired for the same job I have. I'm about to spend my 5th straight Christmas alone. My family is all much older and getting smaller. Christmas eve and Christmas day last maybe 2 hours and everyone heads home and I'm stuck sitting at my house alone for the day/night.

 

 

So on top of the Christmas alone stuff, I sit here way out of shape when I was someone who would work out every single day, another low paying job that I could have gotten without stepping foot in a college class, blowing through my savings and this guilt of being a worthless bum for 8 months. The opportunity I had, I KNEW I was going to regret blowing it. I should have traveled, hell I could have looked for better jobs in other parts of the country. I had nothing holding me back. I even was ashamed most times to leave the house because I felt and looked like hell. I'm trying hard to snap out of this now, at least I'm in a better position than I was 2 months ago, but I still wake up every day with no clue what direction I need my life to go.

 

 

I remember that day back in March were I had all these ideas and plans and told myself I was going to "find myself" and become a better person and did the 100% exact opposite.

[Satu]

Every day is a new beginning.

 

You can still do everything you wanted to do.

 

So do it.

[d0nnivain]

You have a job. It's easier to find a job when you have one. Keep looking to find a better job.

 

 

As for the loneliness, depression & weight gain -- go for a walk. Right now. Close down your computer & move. You will feel better & you will start to make new habits that are better for you.