win her back

[willie]

i am trying to get back with my daughter's mother. we had a child out of wedlock. she was not my ideal mate so i assumed the responsibilities of fatherhood but rejected a long term relationship thinking single parenthood to not be so bad. meanwhile for 3/4 of the last two years we have lived together at least part time and been intimate. around nov. she started seeing some guy and taking my daughter away for half the week. i began to realize the intricasies involved with raising our daughter in two households and decided rather quickly that our differences could be more easily overcome than all the baggage of raising her seperatly. in addition as i become closer to my daughter i find i have deeper feelings for her mother. i am trying to get her back but her feelings were understandably hurt and her pride is keeping her from seriously considering it. in addition her new boyfriend makes it real easy not to deal with me. i've been accomadating and supportive, she still lives with me for half the week although she is trying to save to move out. i have tried everything i know and have got no positive results although she still gives me strong hugs. i know she still cares about me and is a great mom. what do i do to get her back? if i have to wait for this other relationship to wear down how long is long enough? any advice would be helpful. thanks

[Tony T]

We always seem to desire people more when they are slipping away. For quite a long time, she was not seeing anybody so you had no competition and could be quite complacent. Obviously, the emotional and other support she was getting from you was not sufficient enough to keep her from looking elsewhere.

 

More than likely, your ex was just treading water until the right person came along...sort of like using you. You weren't all that thrilled either about her being around. Now that she's seeing someone and is saving to move out, you're beginning to see things you didn't see before. I perfectly understand.

 

Since there was a compelling reason that she sought out another man, I don't think it is wise to wait around for this relationship to fizzle. It may not do that. I also don't think it's wise to beg her back. That will turn her off and most likely piss her off that you want her so badly now that she's leaving.

 

Your best bet is to be kind and supportive of whatever she wants to do. Be the greatest father to your child under whatever circumstances are presented, as long as they are reasonable. It could very well be that at some point you may have to go to court to formalize visitation, support payments, etc. because I promise you people will get to her head on these issues. A lot of the way you are feeling now may quite well be due to the love for and connection to your daughter...and have little to do with this lady. Only you know that.

 

If you just play this real cool and be the kind of guy that she might just want to remain with without putting undue pressure on her, perhaps when the newness wears thin on this thing she's got going now, she will prefer to return to the comfort and safety you can provide.

 

I don't think it's a great idea for you to sit and wait. Right now, you should be seeking other social outlets. She's certainly not letting grass grow under her feet.

 

Since you already admitted that you realized she was NOT the ideal mate, there's a very great chance that once this threat of the other guy no longer exists and let's say she does come back to stay with you on a more permanent basis, you may not be nearly as enthusiastic as you are now about wanting her.

 

If your main problem with all this is the logistics, just deal with it. Go find a gal you can get enthusiastic about while you have her, not when she finds another guy and is fixing to leave you.