Am I asking too much or what??

[tyger69]

My boyfriend and I have been on and off together for 1 1/2 year. When I met him (through Internet) he had a marriage of 17 years past him, and since 2 years after they split up he was enjoying life to the fullest. At that time I came more or less too soon for him, he was still restless and not really into settling down. We have been in a rollercoaster during that year, and every time I broke up with him, he stalked me until I finally went down on my knees again....

 

In his last attempt in December he sent me flowers weekly, writing emails how he couldn't stop thinking about me. You have to know that on two occasions last year I found out he slept with someone else (first time with his ex, and second time with someone at a danceparty). I have made the decision this year to forgive him and to have a fresh start. However, forgiving is something else then forgetting, so once in a while it pops up and I get really angry.

 

Soon we have a bank holiday where people tend to drink a lot and get crazy. I found out yesterday that he is going to spend that day with friends, instead of with me. I have asked him - for the first time - to stick with me, because I am still uncertain if I can trust him. He reacted quite strong and thinks it's nonsense. He now wants to think it over before he can respond to that question. It makes me emotional because I would like him to do me this favor. I think he should work on this relation and also to help me to get over this hurt. I know I will not feel comfortable on that day knowing he is with his single friends partying. Maybe just for this year, but that is how I feel now....

 

Anyway ... do I overreact? Should I accept this, because I've forgiven him too....? or....?

 

Thanks for any advise!

Tygie

[Tracey123]

He sounds like he's still 'finding himself'.....bad for you...ouch, I know.

What would concern me is he has cheated on you. That is a hard one to bounce back from. You say that you have forgiven him but as the saying goes, you will never forget and why should you forget? I believe that without couples counselling, it is almost impossible to recover from infidelity. You will always wonder when he isn't with you, who has turned his head, ...........this time.

A suggestion and only a suggestion is to write down what You want out of a relationship...whether you are with him or not.....because that will set your standards and then you can present them to him in a conversation to see what his feedback is. Can he meet those needs or not? It's really important NOT to think about him or who he is as you think of these goals for yourself..........otherwise, you will be clouded.

It is so hard to be with someone that you love who is doing jerky. You have to love and respect you first so that he can see that YOU value YOU. I think we teach people how to treat us.

[tyger69]

Hi Tracey

 

Thanks for your response... when I try to think of what it is, I feel mostly that I need him to fight for me! I want him to be grateful I took him back after what he has done, and I want him to do an extra effort in showing that.

 

Yesterday when we had this conversation he said that he can't simply do everything I ask him to do... So I told him it is not about a game, a test... When I asked him if he understands why this is a big deal for me, he said "yes". So when I then said "so why can't you for once do this for me, for the feel good effect", he couldn't simply comply,......

 

Honesty, I feel he is trying hard, but he never ever done any efforts for a woman in his life, so I am already a tough cookie for him (even though he created most of this drama himself)....

 

but I will take upon your advise and write down what my needs are...

thx again!

[Owl]

Originally posted by tyger69

Honesty, I feel he is trying hard, but he never ever done any efforts for a woman in his life, so I am already a tough cookie for him (even though he created most of this drama himself)....

 

 

 

Well, to point out the obvious...

 

You can't expect someone to change who they are for you. It JUST does NOT happen. If he's not learned to treat women in a manner that you need to by now, he never will. So, you are either going to have to change your own expectations....or you need to end this relationship and look for someone who CAN provide you what you need.

 

I know it sounds harsh, but those really are your choices. I heard a quote once, that while sounding stererotypical, really does seem to be true in a lot of cases..."A woman marries a man, hoping that she can change him (but he doesn't)...a man marries a woman, hoping she'll never change (but she does)".

[whichwayisup]

So, you are either going to have to change your own expectations....or you need to end this relationship and look for someone who CAN provide you what you need.

 

I agree. Acceptance is a huge thing to do...Hard at times. It's almost like you have to close part of yourself off so you don't care as much and lower your expectation level. Is he worth it? What do YOU get out of this relationship? Does the good outweigh the bad? Ask yourself these questions and be honest.

 

If he isn't putting in the same kind of energy into you - Then back off abit and see what happens. Let him chase you again and WANT you. If he doesn't come for ya and it continues as is, maybe it is time to decide if this is what you want in a relationship. It shouldn't be this hard. LOVE is hard, but with so much doubt and mistrust there can it really work?

[tyger69]

Thanks for all your responses....

 

I agree with what has been said! I realise I can't change - and don't want to - someone....

I haven't made a list yet, but am thinking about this relationship a lot since the moment we started again. I have to figure out if I can leave behind what has happened, and if not, then to admit for myself it will never work.

 

Again many thanks, I guess in time a solution will come

Tygie

[invincible summer]

Your forgiving him twice is a huge deal- make sure he knows 3 strikes and he is OUT!