New here.... Need support (Updated)

[Josmatjes]

So I am married for almost 18 years to a good man. Problem is that he also neglects me and it's pretty much a sexless marriage. Recently we have been trying to communicate better though.

Anyway we were friends with another couple and of course there was an attraction between me and this other man. We started as just friends but eventually fell in love. Texted and spoke everyday, spent as much time as possible together. Went on picnics, spas, movies... Not always sexual. He gave me many gifts. We saw each other in everyday life also being our children are great friends. His wife treated him just awful and I saw this before anything had ever happened so he never lied to me about that.

Our d-day came when my husband found out and all hell broke loose. My husband has forgiven me and we both take blame and we both are trying to learn from this. I am in ic and it is helping somewhat. I have to really wait and see how it's going to play out with us.

Here's the problem, OM and I have very LC but I miss him so much. I know he has chosen his wife over me and I kind of get it. But all the words... Did he mean anything? Does he miss me? Somedays I do good but other days, like today, I've been crying all day. I feel like the minute it came out he said bye... But then he will tell me he misses me and I am so pathetic... Someone talk me into just cutting him loose... I can't take this heartache anymore.....

[FusionCutter]

So I am married for almost 18 years to a good man. Problem is that he also neglects me and it's pretty much a sexless marriage. Recently we have been trying to communicate better though.

Anyway we were friends with another couple and of course there was an attraction between me and this other man. We started as just friends but eventually fell in love. Texted and spoke everyday, spent as much time as possible together. Went on picnics, spas, movies... Not always sexual. He gave me many gifts. We saw each other in everyday life also being our children are great friends. His wife treated him just awful and I saw this before anything had ever happened so he never lied to me about that.

Our d-day came when my husband found out and all hell broke loose. My husband has forgiven me and we both take blame and we both are trying to learn from this. I am in ic and it is helping somewhat. I have to really wait and see how it's going to play out with us.

Here's the problem, OM and I have very LC but I miss him so much. I know he has chosen his wife over me and I kind of get it. But all the words... Did he mean anything? Does he miss me? Somedays I do good but other days, like today, I've been crying all day. I feel like the minute it came out he said bye... But then he will tell me he misses me and I am so pathetic... Someone talk me into just cutting him loose... I can't take this heartache anymore.....

 

Sounds like you haven't learned anything from DDay, no? What does being in contact with your OM do for you? It brings you heartache and pain.

 

I think you need to answer a question for yourself.. "What does it mean to live authentically?"

 

Then move towards that.

[Josmatjes]

You are right and I'm truly trying but I still have bad days sometimes...

 

How do you start living authentically? I did learn from dday but I'm still very depressed....

[Satu]

You are right and I'm truly trying but I still have bad days sometimes...

 

How do you start living authentically? I did learn from dday but I'm still very depressed....

 

It means being exactly the same person on the outside as you are on the inside - no false fronts, pretence, or play acting.

[FusionCutter]

You are right and I'm truly trying but I still have bad days sometimes...

 

How do you start living authentically? I did learn from dday but I'm still very depressed....

 

What exactly is it that you want? It sounds like you know what's happening, but you have a hard time to accept the reality of the situation.

 

You said he picked his wife. In that case, you really must move on from this. Otherwise you are stuck in this limbozone where it causes pain and hurt for yourself.

 

You should probably commit everything to fixing things with your H. If you can't do it or don't want to, or think it's too hard, then you have to start looking at other things.

 

One thing's for sure. You can't fix anything with your OM still in picture. You've got to bury it and move on if you want any progress with your life.

 

Maybe the best thing to do is just be brutally honest with your husband about everything and how you feel. You're not doing anyone any favours by hiding things. You're only hurting yourself.

 

Make a solid commitment/decision and stick with it. NC with this OM - it sounds like a dead end, unless you want to keep travelling down the road of hurt and pain for yourself.

[Be_Strong]

Did he mean anything? Does he miss me?

Ask yourself why you want to know the answers to these questions.

[Donesharing]

I miss him so much. I know he has chosen his wife over me and I kind of get it. But all the words... Did he mean anything? Does he miss me? Somedays I do good but other days, like today, I've been crying all day. I feel like the minute it came out he said bye... But then he will tell me he misses me and I am so pathetic... Someone talk me into just cutting him loose... I can't take this heartache anymore.....

 

It gets better. My d day was in Sept, and I am doing well now. I had a lot of crying after dday and wishes that she would leave him, etc. But, now I see that I dodged a bullet. I slipped up a few times and made contact, which just made things worse for me. He choose her, that is the bottom line. I deserve someone that would choose me. You do too. Your husband is choosing you! Think about that. You are the winner at that one! Your marriage will take work, but he obviously loves you. Keep moving forward, it gets better. I promise.

[whichwayisup]

So I am married for almost 18 years to a good man. Problem is that he also neglects me and it's pretty much a sexless marriage. Recently we have been trying to communicate better though.

Anyway we were friends with another couple and of course there was an attraction between me and this other man. We started as just friends but eventually fell in love. Texted and spoke everyday, spent as much time as possible together. Went on picnics, spas, movies... Not always sexual. He gave me many gifts. We saw each other in everyday life also being our children are great friends. His wife treated him just awful and I saw this before anything had ever happened so he never lied to me about that.

Our d-day came when my husband found out and all hell broke loose. My husband has forgiven me and we both take blame and we both are trying to learn from this. I am in ic and it is helping somewhat. I have to really wait and see how it's going to play out with us.

Here's the problem, OM and I have very LC but I miss him so much. I know he has chosen his wife over me and I kind of get it. But all the words... Did he mean anything? Does he miss me? Somedays I do good but other days, like today, I've been crying all day. I feel like the minute it came out he said bye... But then he will tell me he misses me and I am so pathetic... Someone talk me into just cutting him loose... I can't take this heartache anymore.....

 

You chose your husband over him, so that's the same isn't it? Please give that some thought.

 

My suggestion is, do all that you can to let go and grieve the loss. There is no friendship left, his wife and your husband will NOT allow the friendship to continue so you really have no choice but to let go.

 

Start thinking of your husband's feelings and what you put him through. I get you're hurting and in pain but so is your H. You're extremely lucky he's given you a chance to make things right again, forgiven you and wants to work with you to fix the marriage. Prove to him that you're worthy of this chance.

 

If you need extra help in coping on letting go of your exMM, seek counseling so you can move past this and focus on your husband and family.

[Josmatjes]

You are right.... No one wins in an affair.... A part of me was awakened but it was all smoke and mirrors... I will try with my husband and try to forget OM..... I will try no contact... Done it twice and I broke it both times....

[Survivor12]

You chose your husband over him, so that's the same isn't it? Please give that some thought.

 

My suggestion is, do all that you can to let go and grieve the loss. There is no friendship left, his wife and your husband will NOT allow the friendship to continue so you really have no choice but to let go.

 

Herein lies the problem...OP did not choose her husband. She is with him by default because the OM chose his wife.

 

OP, one thing in what you wrote is very telling. You said, "My husband has forgiven me and we both take blame..." How is it your husband's fault that YOU chose to have an affair? Of course, he shares in the responsibility for the state of your marriage, but it was you who chose to have an affair instead of dealing with your marital problems or leaving the marriage. Your husband bears no fault for your choices. In fact, when faced with losing you & the marriage, his choice was to forgive & try to save it.

 

Now, despite your husband's efforts, you are still pining away for the OM. That tells me that fixing your marriage isn't all that important to you. Think about it--if your house were burning to the ground & someone you love is trapped inside, would you really be concerned about anything or anyone else? Well, that's what is happening...while your home & your marriage is going up in smoke & your husband is fighting to save it, you are focused on your feelings for the OM & "waiting to see how it's going to play out".

 

Does that not tell you something?

 

Be honest with yourself. If you are only staying in your marriage because you can't have the OM then perhaps it would be best for all concerned to end it. On the other hand, if you sincerely want to save it & care enough to put in the effort that it will require to build a stronger foundation, you need to work WITH your husband. He needs to know how you feel & what you are thinking--unlike before when you chose to "self-medicate" with an affair instead of working with him on improving your marriage.

 

If you truly want to make it work, tell your husband that you are struggling and get some marriage counseling to help you learn how to work together. If not, let him know & spare him from the emotional trauma of beating a dead horse.

 

One last piece of advice...besides just thinking about what your husband can do to fulfill your needs, find out what HE needs. Perhaps his "neglectfullness" stems from being unfulfilled himself. Remember, it takes two...

 

Good luck.

[Josmatjes]

Survivor.... Ok I agree... But let me clear a few things up.... My husband and I were in counciling 3 times... I communicate till I'm blue in the face... He didn't lay a hand on me sexually for the last 2 and a half years.... I heard every excuse... Tired, headache, .... Whatever.... I finally gave up and just gave in to the fact that this was who he is and he is still a good man but just not sexual.

I was incredibly lonely..... I didn't look for anything.... This is why we both take blame, because he knows I did everything possible.... Plus he drinks a bit also...

People that have affairs aren't all monsters....I always thought they were till it happened to me.

I do regret it though..but I'm hoping to learn from this and just believe its part of my journey....

But thank you for your words.. They truly do help me...

[Josmatjes]

No contact for almost 3 weeks... Then we start texting yesterday and he says he misses me and I miss him. He asks if I'm willing to deal with seeing him less cause ge can't leave his family, I would never make him. I'm feeling weird about it though. On one hand I miss him but I just don't know if I should see him.

Maybe for closure? Then no contact again. Any ideas?

[DKT3]

Survivor.... Ok I agree... But let me clear a few things up.... My husband and I were in counciling 3 times... I communicate till I'm blue in the face... He didn't lay a hand on me sexually for the last 2 and a half years.... I heard every excuse... Tired, headache, .... Whatever.... I finally gave up and just gave in to the fact that this was who he is and he is still a good man but just not sexual.

I was incredibly lonely..... I didn't look for anything.... This is why we both take blame, because he knows I did everything possible.... Plus he drinks a bit also...

People that have affairs aren't all monsters....I always thought they were till it happened to me.

I do regret it though..but I'm hoping to learn from this and just believe its part of my journey....

But thank you for your words.. They truly do help me...

 

You shouldn't count on your husband holding the stance where he is taking blame for your affair. You see, for a betrayed spouse its really easy to accept blame early after D-Day. Why? If the BS feels they played a role in the infidelity then it means they also control if it happens again in the future. With time I expect his views will change.

 

Your husband being unwilling to be sexual earned him a divorce, it didn't give you a hall pass to not only find sex else where but to fall in love with that person. This affair was on you 100%.

 

Also do you think you filled all your husbands needs? I promise you that you didn't yet he didn't have an affair. I see a woman who is stuck in a marriage that she doesn't want to be in and on some levels still having fantasies about a future with this other guy.

 

There is really two kinds of wayward wives that come here, those who REALLY believe the affair was a mistake and regret it. These WW's tend to spend a lot of their time here talking about the husband and how to move forward. Then there are those who only talk about the husband in blaming him for her affair and really want the OM. I fear you are the latter, I sense no regret for the affair, only that it was discovered. Seems all your empathy is focused on yourself for not having the OM, and your far to comfortable and will to allow your husband to accept the blame for your affair. These are all things that will cripple you being able to fix this marriage.

 

This is a long road and your still sitting in the driveway.

[Josmatjes]

Your right..... I do need to take accountability... And that's why I'm seeing a therapist.... Thank you... All these posts are opening my eyes....

[DKT3]

No contact for almost 3 weeks... Then we start texting yesterday and he says he misses me and I miss him. He asks if I'm willing to deal with seeing him less cause ge can't leave his family, I would never make him. I'm feeling weird about it though. On one hand I miss him but I just don't know if I should see him.

Maybe for closure? Then no contact again. Any ideas?

 

So he calls and you run?

 

You've had your closure, stop making excuses. What your really looking for is a way to stay engaged in the hopes that it will somehow change.

 

This isn't something you can do halfway, you either have to go all in with your husband and marriage or really start looking for a exist. Right now your only going to create more pain for your husband, kids and self. Do you plan on telling your husband about this contact? If not, then what are you doing or fixing?

[Josmatjes]

I know.... A moment of weakness... I know it's not going anywhere... I'm going no contact again....wish me luck

[Satu]

I know.... A moment of weakness... I know it's not going anywhere... I'm going no contact again....wish me luck

 

Walk forward into the sunshine.

[DKT3]

I know.... A moment of weakness... I know it's not going anywhere... I'm going no contact again....wish me luck

 

Tell your husband about the contact. The longer you hide things the longer it will take to reach a happy place.

 

You don't need luck, you have the strength to do it, the only question is do you really want to. That is the issue here.

[still_an_Angel]

This is just taking you back to square one. He has already put his "seeing me less" card on the table. There is nothing he can offer that will make the situation better. Are you okay with this arrangement? The longer the A goes the harder it is to let go. You've already started dealing with the pain, best to carry on with NC than do it again and again. Good luck.

[Survivor12]

Has your husband seen a doctor to have his testosterone levels checked or to find out if there is a medical reason for his lack of sex drive?

[SunshineToday]

Oh yes back to no contact.

I mean he is offering you what? Hey I'll still see you but less then before so I can keep my family together? What's in that for you? Nothing.

 

Not to mention the guy is a real jerk to even do this to his children.

[Rainbowlove]

You should be stinking angry that he asks you to see him less. Please, block all contact from him for your own well-being. As long as you allow him into your space, you will never feel healthy.

 

Just cut him off. If you continue to give and take pieces of each other, it will only prolong the inevitable. The inevitable is pain. This relationship is ending. Feel the loss. Feel the heart ache. Feel the emptiness. Feel the sadness. It sucks, but it's temporary pain and you can get over it.

 

You have to be willing to take this one day at a time. I've said it before...when we are missing them, we are only focusing on the good aspects of them. Instead, focus on the negative of the relationship.

 

Take care of you.

[Cressida]

He asks if I'm willing to deal with seeing him less cause ge can't leave his family, I would never make him. I'm feeling weird about it though.

 

I.e. unpaid escort? Because he 'can't' leave his family? Do you have to leave your life for him, but he can't do the same for you?

 

This man is asking you to degrade yourself, you should never accept such things from anyone in this world.....cut him off or just send him an e-mail to inform him of his a-hole-ness and then cut him off permanently. He's spelling it out for you that all he wants is pump and dump at your life's expense.

[Josmatjes]

I don't know what's the matter with me because I've lost more than I've gained. I've lost friends, my self worth.. My self esteem is at an all time low... Why can't I move on? Why can't I just know its totally over? I read other peoples posts and I can see their problems and what the answer is but I can't help myself? Is this a mid life crisis?

I wish i could just get him out of my head and heart.....

[jbrent890]

Your problem is that you went into R for all the wrong reasons, which is why I think it's going to blow up in your face. You went into it because you were scared of being alone. Your AP chose his wife and that just left you with your husband. The minority of marriages that suceed after infedility only do so because the WS really wants to fix things. Let's be honest here, you don't want to. My suggestion is to take a break from BOTH men and figure out what you really want. DKT is right. Your husband not putting out warranted him a divorce not a cheating wife. If you truly don't want your husband (and you really do need to be honest with yourself here), then leave him. Life is too short to live with someone you don't love. However, you need to make up your mind quickly. Sooner or later your husband is going to realize he is plan B. When that happens, I guarantee your worst fear will come into fruition.