jbrent890 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 If you cared for your husband, you would want what's best for him. Do you honestly believe what your doing is best for him? Do you honestly believe he is ok sharing his wife? Why not offer him the chance to have I young hottie on the side? Wouldn't that be at least fair? BTW you totally avoid my questions. Anwsering them will clear up much of the confusion. It's about time somebody said this. I feel like she is reconciling because she feels she has to, not because she wants to. It's obvious from reading her posts that she doesn't want her husband, but is trying to R because what other option does she have. Her MOM isn't going to leave his wife, so she goes to her plan b husband. OP, your marriage is about to fail. If it does, wouldn't you want to say that you gave R your all as opposed to this half effort you have been doing? Regardless of what your husband did, if he was on here asking for advice, I would tell him to leave you based on the work you have been doing. I understand people need time to get out of the fog, but IMO you are taking your sweet time. I honestly think it's going to take your husband serving you divorce papers to wake you up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 It's about time somebody said this. I feel like she is reconciling because she feels she has to, not because she wants to. It's obvious from reading her posts that she doesn't want her husband, but is trying to R because what other option does she have. Her MOM isn't going to leave his wife, so she goes to her plan b husband. OP, your marriage is about to fail. If it does, wouldn't you want to say that you gave R your all as opposed to this half effort you have been doing? Regardless of what your husband did, if he was on here asking for advice, I would tell him to leave you based on the work you have been doing. I understand people need time to get out of the fog, but IMO you are taking your sweet time. I honestly think it's going to take your husband serving you divorce papers to wake you up. Yes I guess in a way I am. There are always other options though. If I truly wanted to leave I could. I do love my husband and we have been through a great deal together. But I've gone through years of holding on to someone that held back sex, has chosen his family over me, is unbelievably negative and neglectful. He is now working with me on all of these things and it is getting a little better. I'm scared things will go back to the way they were. Also, my husband knows a lot of what I'm telling you. Since dday I've been honest with him. He KNOWS all of this. Maybe I'm am taking my time..it's called depression. If you are going to judge me don't reply! Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Yes I guess in a way I am. There are always other options though. If I truly wanted to leave I could. I do love my husband and we have been through a great deal together. But I've gone through years of holding on to someone that held back sex, has chosen his family over me, is unbelievably negative and neglectful. He is now working with me on all of these things and it is getting a little better. I'm scared things will go back to the way they were. Also, my husband knows a lot of what I'm telling you. Since dday I've been honest with him. He KNOWS all of this. Maybe I'm am taking my time..it's called depression. If you are going to judge me don't reply! I'm sorry you feel like your being judged, I'm just calling it how I see it. Successful Rs can only be accomplished if both spouses actually put the work in. I can't speak to what your husband is doing, but I can for you because you are on here. As it stands, you are not putting your best foot forward. Just being there isn't enough. I'm glad your husband is fixing himself. Do you think he is going to wait around forever for you to fix your issues? Feel free to get as defensive as you want but it looks like you are waiting for him to fix his issues before you fix yours. In essence, you want your husband to win you back. I'm sorry to say that it doesn't work that way. I'm about to hit you with a dose of reality. Your marriage might have been crappy, but you were the one that cheated. BOTH of you need to be winning each other back. If your marriage is what you really want then it's time to start winning your husband back just like he is trying to win you back. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 If you are going to judge me don't reply! You have to learn to ignore the BS's that swarm this section, which is meant to be supportive for OW/OM, but is not. Use the ignore function if you have to. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) My husband does listen but I think he just isn't capable of giving me what I need... Well, in all honesty, he probably can't if you two have gone that long without it. Patterns and mindsets become set. But, if this is the case, then you need to leave, or stop acting so confused and resign yourself to staying and being a serial cheater, in which case, there would be nothing to discuss or think about anymore. It would just become a way of life. so leave you say? Well it's really not that easy.... I miss what I had with my mm....I don't understand what missing what you had with your MM has to do with leaving your unhappy M? Edited January 4, 2015 by Popsicle Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 You have to learn to ignore the BS's that swarm this section, which is meant to be supportive for OW/OM, but is not. Use the ignore function if you have to. That's part of the problem, the BS's here represents the spouse. What they will/do feel, what they will/do think, what they will/do want. Pushing the ignore button is how they got in the affair. Pushing the ignore button doesn't make it go away. At some point you have to face it, a point were there is no ignore button. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 That's part of the problem, the BS's here represents the spouse. What they will/do feel, what they will/do think, what they will/do want. Pushing the ignore button is how they got in the affair. Pushing the ignore button doesn't make it go away. At some point you have to face it, a point were there is no ignore button. There is a BS's support section already (the infidelity section). This is the OW/OM section and was created for them. They should be allowed to vent and not be censored. Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 (edited) There is a BS's support section already (the infidelity section). This is the OW/OM section and was created for them. They should be allowed to vent and not be censored. Censored??? Haha. Nobody is telling her what she can't say. Telling someone what's at stake and calling them out on their behavior is definitely not censoring them. I have to ask because I have seen fWSs and OM/W be critical of other cheaters as well, so my question is would you be so defensive if I was fWS giving the same advice I did? Contrary to what you want to believe, not every BS on this site is out to burn cheaters at the stake. She said it herself. Her husband is working on his issues to try to save the marriage. However, she is not doing the same. Telling her that her marriage will end if she doesn't start trying is not censoring, that's just telling her how it is. Edited January 4, 2015 by jbrent890 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Jbrent...just sent you pm... I don't feel censored but we all write on here for support not to be judged. Believe me,I know I sound confused! I don't know what I want from one day to the next but I come on here to vent and a lot of these people do have great advice... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Jbrent...just sent you pm... I don't feel censored but we all write on here for support not to be judged. Believe me,I know I sound confused! I don't know what I want from one day to the next but I come on here to vent and a lot of these people do have great advice... Josmatjes, often when people say things we don't want to hear, or trying to avoid it comes off as judgement. Why? Because deep down we know their right and we don't want to deal with it. I have been the same and felt judged here. With time I realized that it wasn't and actually thanked those posters. Also your message is clear here, you don't come across as confused. You want other man but you know its not going to happen so you hang on to husband. Support don't mean going along with poor behavior. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 4, 2015 Author Share Posted January 4, 2015 Your correct Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2015 Share Posted January 4, 2015 Jbrent...just sent you pm... I don't feel censored but we all write on here for support not to be judged. Believe me,I know I sound confused! I don't know what I want from one day to the next but I come on here to vent and a lot of these people do have great advice... Then focus on the advice which helps you. You're smart. You can tell the difference between harsh helpful advice that you need to hear vs mean or rude advice. At the end of the day what you feel is more important since you're the one who has to live with yourself and be OK with your choices. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 In the beginning , mm would tell me all sorts of stuff. How smart I am, pretty, cute, adorable, sexy...you name it.he took interest in everything I did! My confidence skyrocketed...thought I could do no wrong.A ended and he cant be bothered with me, says we were interupted! Really?!?Now I have no confidence or self esteem, it's like mm was a vampire that sucked all the values out of me without me being aware. Looking back now I feel like to an extent I was brainwashed! What I need to do now, is to pick myself up off the floor and try to get "me" back. I miss myself. I was a good person, wife, friend and mother. I lost my way. Shame on someone for doing this to me, but shame on me for falling for it and hurting people I love. I feel like I'm in damage control mode right now! Does anyone else relate to these feelings? Btw I take full responsibility for what I did, I'm just trying to understand how this could happen to someone who isn't stupid or a fool? Link to post Share on other sites
coolheadal Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 First off pull yourself back to who you are. Push what happen out of the way. There are a lot of people out there trying to make you into what they want. But in the end it backfires as you can see. Now you know what to look for next time but you'll be positive once again which will make your a better person. This person wasn't for you and you know it. Mostly out for what they can do for themselves only and not ever thinking as what the relationship should have been. We all have gone through this so your not alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 In the beginning , mm would tell me all sorts of stuff. How smart I am, pretty, cute, adorable, sexy...you name it.he took interest in everything I did! My confidence skyrocketed...thought I could do no wrong.A ended and he cant be bothered with me, says we were interupted! Really?!?Now I have no confidence or self esteem, it's like mm was a vampire that sucked all the values out of me without me being aware. Looking back now I feel like to an extent I was brainwashed! What I need to do now, is to pick myself up off the floor and try to get "me" back. I miss myself. I was a good person, wife, friend and mother. I lost my way. Shame on someone for doing this to me, but shame on me for falling for it and hurting people I love. I feel like I'm in damage control mode right now! Does anyone else relate to these feelings? Btw I take full responsibility for what I did, I'm just trying to understand how this could happen to someone who isn't stupid or a fool? Yes, I understand how you feel. Sadly, this is what affairs do to people. It's not so much that he brainwashed you. No, I wouldn't go that far. When you have an affair, you lose yourself. You no longer recognize who you are. You do things you never dreamed you'd do. You become someone else. He didn't brainwash you. You lost yourself when you stepped into an affair. Fortunately, with time, you'll return to yourself. It took me a good year after ending my affair to begin to like myself again. It's a process. You are in the thick of that process. Be strong. Do things that remind you of who you really are. You'll find that woman who existed before he came along. Trust me, you will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Next person who discusses or mentions forum dynamics and doesn't address the topic adherent to our guidelines is banned. Enough with your penny-ante bickering! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 5, 2015 Author Share Posted January 5, 2015 Next person who discusses or mentions forum dynamics and doesn't address the topic adherent to our guidelines is banned. Enough with your penny-ante bickering! I don't understand. Who is bickering? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 In the beginning , mm would tell me all sorts of stuff. How smart I am, pretty, cute, adorable, sexy...you name it.he took interest in everything I did! My confidence skyrocketed...thought I could do no wrong.A ended and he cant be bothered with me, says we were interupted! Really?!?Now I have no confidence or self esteem, it's like mm was a vampire that sucked all the values out of me without me being aware. Spend time with your women friends and let them pump your confidence back. Nothing like great friends to make you feel needed, special and loved. Go shopping, buy some new outfits, get a new haircut, something different. Have a spa day and pamper yourself. All this will make you feel good. Don't let your A and the past define you. Link to post Share on other sites
William Posted January 5, 2015 Share Posted January 5, 2015 Since the thread starter chose to challenge moderation, they are suspended and the thread is closed, subject to review at our next conference. Link to post Share on other sites
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