Author Josmatjes Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 I still love my husband very much I just don't know what I want to do. As for ap I think I'm hanging on to him like a lifeline, to help me cope. I do see the bad and I know that I'd never trust him ever again. I know he for sure lies to me the same as he does his wife. He swears he loves me and misses me but actions speak louder than words and he isn't as nice to me as he used to be. I do need to let this jerk go his own way. I think the truth is at I'm more angry at myself for not having the balls to get out of my marriage. I'm scared. I mean money will be an issue and I have kids. I'm just not in a good position yet for a divorce. I know a lot of people think that is a excuse but I am scared of so many things.an A was easy cause it made me happy but I still had my home life. Now I have to face the harsh reality that I'm not happy with my home life. Does anyone else feel this way? Link to post Share on other sites
tobrieornottobrie Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 I know you mentioned that you are seeing an individual counselor but are you going through any sort of marital counseling so you and your husband can be working on your marriage, together? It sounds like a lot has happened and I hope that it gets better for you and your husband. Wishing you the very best of luck. the brie's cheese knees Link to post Share on other sites
bambiwboone Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Walk away. You can't be friends with the other man. It's not an option. You will not get better if you remain in this mans life. Period. Most men will keep you strung along as well. It seems to be the consensus on here anyway. Or in my personal situation. It will be like a movie on repeat. Until you feel like you are losing your mind. As long as his wife and you allow it..it will keep happening. Until eventually you lose yourself like I did. Don't lose yourself. Don't let someone make you empty. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 I know.... A moment of weakness... I know it's not going anywhere... I'm going no contact again....wish me luck You can do it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 Bambi what is your story.... Done sharing I think I read yours... There are such nice people on here and that is probably why we got manipulated to begin with.... Link to post Share on other sites
bambiwboone Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Bambi what is your story.... Done sharing I think I read yours... There are such nice people on here and that is probably why we got manipulated to begin with.... Four years. Back forth. Several DDays. All where everyone found out. Several times where he would tell me he was going to leave. never once did he actually do it. Some times were very convincing. Stalking ( his part), lying, manipulating. Telling me he loved me. Then taking it back saying he didn't. Lots of name calling..b word.. c word..calling me crazy...psycho..manipulative....telling me I'm ugly...that he could never want me...then flipping and apologizing. Allot of the times I deserved it, but sometimes he was just cruel. We are done..it's been a month since he contacted me. The last thing he said to me was, " I want to make this very clear the only reason I contacted you was because I was drunk." It is what it is I guess. I admire his honesty lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 My god..that's awful!! I hope you never see him ever again....your deserve so much more... Link to post Share on other sites
jbrent890 Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 Bambi what is your story.... Done sharing I think I read yours... There are such nice people on here and that is probably why we got manipulated to begin with.... I got to stop you right there. You did not get manipulated, forced, persuaded, hoodwinked, or Jedi mind tricked into having an affair. That decision was on you and you alone. You let everything happen. Stop blaming your AP for your decisions. He did not hold a gun to your head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 Your right.... But I did get manipulated at a low point in my life... You shouldn't judge people... Yes I knew what I was doing but...so did he.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I still love my husband very much I just don't know what I want to do. As for ap I think I'm hanging on to him like a lifeline, to help me cope. I do see the bad and I know that I'd never trust him ever again. I know he for sure lies to me the same as he does his wife. He swears he loves me and misses me but actions speak louder than words and he isn't as nice to me as he used to be. I do need to let this jerk go his own way. I think the truth is at I'm more angry at myself for not having the balls to get out of my marriage. I'm scared. I mean money will be an issue and I have kids. I'm just not in a good position yet for a divorce. I know a lot of people think that is a excuse but I am scared of so many things.an A was easy cause it made me happy but I still had my home life. Now I have to face the harsh reality that I'm not happy with my home life. Does anyone else feel this way? I had a IM conversation with my xAP's good friend. (We all went to high school together. I am going to cut and paste it for you. Really opened my eyes. This will help you think about things.) He said: It's a crazy mixed up world. A lot of people live lives of quiet desperation. We are told certain things should make us happy forever. And then we learn that things are much more difficutl than that. People get sick of each other. It happens. A lot. And that makes them want to spend time with people who aren't sick of them. And can two people REALLY have sex with each other for 25 years and still have it be fun? I guess maybe, but more likely they kind of wonder what else might make them happy. My marriage lasted 7 years. It was ok, but I was unhappy for most of it. I had a girlfriend for a year. It reminded me that I could experience happiness. But I wouldn't leave my wife for her. So that made me realize I needed to get divorced, but not to be with her, but because I was miserable. So I even told my wife about the GF. She had no idea, was mad for a few months and now my ex wive and I are fine. The GF will never talk to me again, but that's a whole other story. I never ever will cheat again. I never even cheated on a girlfriend. Ever. I just was in such a state. Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Bambi what is your story.... Done sharing I think I read yours... There are such nice people on here and that is probably why we got manipulated to begin with.... I agree. We are nice, and caring, and someone we like opens up to us, we trust they are as nice as we are. But, infact they are taking advantage of us being nice and they play on that. Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I got to stop you right there. You did not get manipulated, forced, persuaded, hoodwinked, or Jedi mind tricked into having an affair. That decision was on you and you alone. You let everything happen. Stop blaming your AP for your decisions. He did not hold a gun to your head. They don't hold a gun. They look us in the eye, they tell us their story, and they gain our trust that they are kind and good and in a miserable marriage and we fall for that. We trust them, and they run with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Your right.... But I did get manipulated at a low point in my life... You shouldn't judge people... Yes I knew what I was doing but...so did he.... Exactly. They take advantage of us when we are vunerable and say all the right things. For me, I was in it for real. I trusted him, his words, and his kindness. I never lied to him about my feelings or my plans for the future. He did that, I thought and belived he was being honest. No gun needed. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I agree. We are nice, and caring, and someone we like opens up to us, we trust they are as nice as we are. But, infact they are taking advantage of us being nice and they play on that. Your situation was different because you were single. I guess that for MW our husbands would think differently about that "nice caring" bit. There is nothing nice, caring or niave about on going betrayal. As far as manipulation goes, we give as good as we get, get it from OM and give it to husband. No one in an affair is a victim, both parties made the decision(s) that lead to and maintained the affair. A simple NO would have ended it all. All this unhappy, same sex partner for many years is all dressing up that pig. Still a pig. Link to post Share on other sites
Donesharing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Your situation was different because you were single. I guess that for MW our husbands would think differently about that "nice caring" bit. There is nothing nice, caring or niave about on going betrayal. As far as manipulation goes, we give as good as we get, get it from OM and give it to husband. No one in an affair is a victim, both parties made the decision(s) that lead to and maintained the affair. A simple NO would have ended it all. All this unhappy, same sex partner for many years is all dressing up that pig. Still a pig. I was single. But, he still used my trust and played on that. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I was single. But, he still used my trust and played on that. No, I didn't mean that. I was talking more about this idea that we MW are somehow these wholesome naive women who fell under the spells of these other guys, while what we were doing to the husbands is about as mean as it gets. Lies, betrayal and putting other man ahead of our families isn't naive or wholesome. Its planned, cold and calculated. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 You right,it is wrong. But I think sometimes we just lose our heads... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 When does it get better? I wake us feeling sick to my stomach about OM.. I have so many emotions... I miss him and our friendship but I'm also angry at the circumstances and myself. I just want to be happy with my own life and my choices and not have this hang over my head anymore. I'm always wondering if he thinks of me at all? Why do I do this to myself? Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I'm sorry you are feeling sad. I'm having a rough morning too. Woke up with that sick feeling in my stomach and wondering if he ever thinks of me. Maybe its the holidays that makes us a little more prone to these sad feelings. people say take it one day at a time and thats what we have to do. I imagine, like with anything, it will get better. I keep trying to compare this to the death of one of my pets (Ive never dealt with a death of a person yet). At the time I was devastated. Felt like I couldn't go on. But as time passes, so does the pain. I still think about them and miss them, but I have accepted that they are gone and it doesnt hurt. Maybe this is a weird comparison, but it helps with me. ((Hugs to you)) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Thank you..... You are right though...it is like a death.....it really stinks.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 I like my mm a lot. He makes me laugh and just makes me feel better about stuff in general. I really enjoy talking with him. I still love him and I know he loves me. I mean is it possible to be friends without contact physically? I think there is but I want some advice on this. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
FusionCutter Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I like my mm a lot. He makes me laugh and just makes me feel better about stuff in general. I really enjoy talking with him. I still love him and I know he loves me. I mean is it possible to be friends without contact physically? I think there is but I want some advice on this. Thanks What do you think? What would you advise your friend who is in the same situation as you? Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 You're married. I know in your other thread you said there were some heavy issues in your marriage, but if you want to even think about working on it, the answer to this is no. Number one, it's disrespectful. Number two, you can never put in the true effort required if you are still putting energy into any kind of relationship with MM, even if it is friendship. I can't advise you on telling your H, but the answer to the friends question is a big no, whether you tell him or not, in relation to your own well being as well, because... ... you will always get sucked back in. There will always be feelings and attraction there. They don't magically just go "poof!" once the affair ends. Nothing will ever be the same between you. Even if you end up divorced from your H, and you try to be friends with this guy, you're setting yourself up for a lot of emotional heartache. Instead of being the MOW, you're going to be the SOW. There's no being "just friends". Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 No. All it will be is an emotional affair, one that will continue to do damage to you (though right now you can't see this) as you rely on him a lot and he has become your 'everything.' Problem is, he is married, has a wife and life built with her, not you. You're selling yourself short, playing to be second fiddle to a man who cannot put you first or make you a high priority in his life. As time goes on you'll suffer and feel pain. Edit to add - Read above that you're married too, so keeping a friendship with him is unfair to your husband and very selfish on your behalf. Link to post Share on other sites
still_an_Angel Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 Not recommended, how can you totally move on if you carry on a friendship with someone you have romantic feelings for? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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