Author Josmatjes Posted December 30, 2014 Author Share Posted December 30, 2014 Iv realized that he has absolutely NOTHING to offer me! That's why I think I can handle the friend thing because I know I'm better than him and I know that he knows I'm better than him too.... Also when I say friends I don't mean text and talk everyday...that's too much... Just once in awhile... Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted December 30, 2014 Share Posted December 30, 2014 I like my mm a lot. He makes me laugh and just makes me feel better about stuff in general. I really enjoy talking with him. I still love him and I know he loves me. I mean is it possible to be friends without contact physically? I think there is but I want some advice on this. Thanks This is why, how long will it take until it is physical again? BTDT, used all the excuses. Broke off the A many times, each time I justified why we could still be friends each time we got right back into the A. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 But I'm thinking maybe the attraction has died down. Only because we don't see each other anymore socially at all. We were attracted to each before because it was almost a tease to see each other out and not be able to act on our feelings. We were all friends before DDAY then when it ended we can't even say hi anymore. I know this is going nowhere and I do think little by little my feelings are dying. Its definitly not as exciting, its actually kind of sad. I can go longer periods without even thinking of him. I'm just saying that if he does call or text he doesnt ask to see me anymore just to talk. Is that bad? Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 With my xAP, we went 6 months of not being physical with each other. And only seeing each other when there where other people around, like both our families. Other than that, our contact was just thru our Facebook page. It was such a tease, all the times he would say, "when I'm not busy anymore, we'll get together." Well, that time never came. Except once, he was doing work at my house and we made out. (Of course, cause it was convenient for him) I think it was more torture NOT being physical, than when we where. So I finally got tired of the games and the let downs and the texting when it was convenient for him. Went NC and feel such a sense of empowerment knowing that I made the last, most important move that needed to be made. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 That's where I want to be... I just can't do it cold turkey... I'm getting there though. I'm getting stronger everyday and trying to work on my marriage. It's hard but everyday is a new day! Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Trust me...if I can, anyone can. I did not think I im could do it. Saturday will be two weeks. He texted my H yesterday during dinner, wishing my family and happy new year. Are you kidding? When he KNEW I would be with my H. Jerk!! Yeah, i think of him all the time. Some good, some bad. I miss him at night, when H is working and thats when we would text. So I find myself going on here alot. Or watching bad TV. Im pretty confident that I am going to stick thru with the NC this time. Its funny....the other day, I was waiting for a text from my H. I had that stupid nervous feeling in my stomach that I would get when I was waiting and wondering if xAP was going to text. Then I realized. ....this is my H, there is no reason to feel anxious or nervous waiting for a text. I dont ever want to feel that again (does that make sense)? Its crazy that I would EVER let myself be last. I promise you, you are strong enough. And I personally feel cold turkey was the best way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm so happy for you! Yes I hate that anxious feeling too.... MM had given me a secret phone and I found myself checking it like 50 times a day and then I would have an anxiety attack about it... So.... This is a while ago... I took it to my yard and I got an ax and I chopped it up. Felt soooo good!! I felt free for the first time in a long time... Now if he texts me its on my regular phone and I know he hates that.. I got some power back and the anxiety attacks are gone.... By the way.... I'm not a psycho with an ax or anything...lol.... Just a normal woman who decided enough was enough.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Nikki.... I'm assuming your h doesn't know.... Do you have kids? Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Correct, , H doesnt know. Yes, I have three young kids. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 I'm so happy for you! Yes I hate that anxious feeling too.... MM had given me a secret phone and I found myself checking it like 50 times a day and then I would have an anxiety attack about it... So.... This is a while ago... I took it to my yard and I got an ax and I chopped it up. Felt soooo good!! I felt free for the first time in a long time... Now if he texts me its on my regular phone and I know he hates that.. I got some power back and the anxiety attacks are gone.... By the way.... I'm not a psycho with an ax or anything...lol.... Just a normal woman who decided enough was enough.... Lol. I dont think your psycho at all. We got a "New Years" card from his family the other day. With pictures from their summer vacation, from which he texted me almost everyday. I literally took the card and set it on fire. It was great lol! ! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Good for you! Can I ask how long you were together? Are you friends with his wife? I have kids also....sorry if I'm being nosy... Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 No need to apologize to me. Feel free to pm me too if you like Hes friends with my H , so ive known him for 13 years. He stood up on our wedding. Ugh. So disgusting looking back at what I've done. It was short, total of 9 months. I dont know if I would consider his wife and I friends, but we have hung out a few times. One time while we were having the A. Goodness, that was a horrible experience, needless to say. P Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 Yes me too... I've done things I'm ashamed of. My whole life I've been honest and trustworthy and all if a sudden I didn't know myself anymore. I hung out with his wife a few times but I didn't like it or her that much... Not someone I'd ever be friends with but she still didn't deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
lovinDKT3 Posted January 2, 2015 Share Posted January 2, 2015 Nikki and Josmatjes, I would caution you both to be careful with your actions at point in terms of emotional out burst. Believe it or not your husbands will pick up on these things. I'm proud of both of you (not that it really matters) that you are taking back your power. Now I'm not one that feels it my place to tell anyone to confess, because I know how scared I was and just couldn't bring myself to do it no matter how much I knew I needed to. I will say if I had to do it all over again I would have done so, but that's hindsight we are all perfect with that view. I will say its time to start refocusing on husband marriage annd family when thoughts of MOM creeps into your mind. When you get the urge to contact MOM reach out to your husbands instead. In a sense fake it until you make it. Again, keep up the good work. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 2, 2015 Author Share Posted January 2, 2015 I agree... Fake it till you make it. I just miss those feelings..that high!! Nothing like it..... Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 That's where I want to be... I just can't do it cold turkey... I'm getting there though. I'm getting stronger everyday and trying to work on my marriage. It's hard but everyday is a new day! If he isn't contacting you, you are already going cold turkey. You can't just be in an affair a little but...it's all or nothing (emotional or physical). Stop trying to convince yourself you can be buddies with him, you can't be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I agree but it doesn't change the fact that I miss him....I know he is gone but it's going to take awhile to heal...I just feel alone now.. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 Why don't you tell your husband what you are missing in your marriage and what you need from him? I will never understand why married couples don't listen to each others needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 My husband does listen but I think he just isn't capable of giving me what I need...so leave you say? Well it's really not that easy.... I miss what I had with my mm.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I really just want to just get over him.... He thanked me for being considerate of his needs....I said what needs? He says he needs to know I am there for him and willing to settle for less than what we are both used to....WTF? I'm not settling for anything, I'm worth more than that.... So everything is on his terms right now.... I need the right words to say....just ending this Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I really just want to just get over him.... He thanked me for being considerate of his needs....I said what needs? He says he needs to know I am there for him and willing to settle for less than what we are both used to....WTF? I'm not settling for anything, I'm worth more than that.... So everything is on his terms right now.... I need the right words to say....just ending this Your only worth what your getting. Why? Because its what you accept. Your story is really sad, and you don't want to change it. Honestly what do you want? Would you like for both you and MM to walk away from your families and be together? Would you like to maintain both your marriage and the affair? Its clear your only using your husband for whatever reason, and it doesn't seem like you care for him at all. What do you want? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm not using my husband... I just care for two people....and it's confusing.. Link to post Share on other sites
Rainbowlove Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 I'm not using my husband... I just care for two people....and it's confusing.. Because you haven't let one go yet. That's what keeps you in the confusion. Make a decision to go full NC and after a while you will slowly begin pulling your head out from the clouds. As long as you have any contact, the confusion and dysfunction will persists. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 3, 2015 Share Posted January 3, 2015 (edited) I'm not using my husband... I just care for two people....and it's confusing.. If you cared for your husband, you would want what's best for him. Do you honestly believe what your doing is best for him? Do you honestly believe he is ok sharing his wife? Why not offer him the chance to have I young hottie on the side? Wouldn't that be at least fair? BTW you totally avoid my questions. Anwsering them will clear up much of the confusion. Edited January 3, 2015 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Josmatjes Posted January 3, 2015 Author Share Posted January 3, 2015 Dk...ok I'll answer.... No I don't want us to leave our marriages... At least no right now... No I don't want to continue this way because it's not fair to my husband. I think it's mostly an attention thing... Probably my own insecurity that another man wanted me after being neglected for so long. I'm seeing a therapist right now who is actually helping me figure out if I want to stay in my marriage or not. During this affair, something changed in me and I don't know how to go back. All I know is,is that I'm unhappy with either solution. My husband does deserve better but I do too, so I'm just trying to figure things out. But either way, I know that mm is not part of my future, how could he be? There is too much negative emotions,not a good foundation for a relationship.he can't offer me anything, I thinkim just holding on to him like a lifeline... Link to post Share on other sites
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