Afraid to be imperfect around husband

[BadDog]

One of the threads on here about 'always being perfect for your man' really triggered me.

 

I've been suffering from medical hair loss for a couple of years now. The doctor thinks I've just basically lost the perimenopause genetic lottery. It's gotten to the point where it's noticeable. This is really traumatic for me. I used to have hair that would make any Victorian woman jealous, and I would use it as a major source of self-expression, through color, etc. Now I can't do that and I see my hair in the garbage every day. Every salon trip is a nightmare instead of me-time like it used to be.

 

I realize it's not objectively a big deal, compared to what other people struggle with. But I grew up as a child of two parents just like the person in that thread. I heard often, "take care of yourself or someone else will take care of him", "remember, you are easily replaced", and the worst, "keep your man sexually exhausted and he won't stray". (That was my dad. I'm a woman).

 

Adding insult to injury, my husband is very fit and enjoys his particular sport, so it's no big deal to be in shape. I injured myself at my sport and can no longer do that. That leaves me with the gym, which bores me and is a major effort. So I am about 8 pounds overweight and not toned at the moment. Some of that is due to health problems this year that are starting to resolve.

 

He is clearly less attracted to me if I am AT ALL not fit. I am not exaggerating when I say he can tell the difference if I'm 5 pounds over. He says nothing but will not initiate sex and so obviously less attracted to me it's like screaming to me.

 

So of course I am panicking about the hair loss. I am going on some meds that may help. But probably not. I am convinced he will be turned off totally. I tried to talk to him once and he seemed offended:"what did I do to ever give you the idea I was that shallow!?"

 

I said, "uh...staying away from me for 8 pounds and making comments about random 'fatties' on the street?" And then there was the time I said I was afraid I'd be bald and he said "well, you can always get a wig". Not, "I love you no matter what".

 

He said he was a little hurt but I noticed he never points out "fatties" anymore. However, the weight thing stays.

 

I am going to get supplemental hair but I can't wear it 24/7. Do I need counseling? I think he hates hearing about my anxiety. He thinks I'm obsessive, which I am - see anxiety about hair and upbringing.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? This anxiety and worry and shame is running my life now and I don't want that.

Edited December 24, 2014 by BadDog

[TigerCub]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through and how much it's obviously stressing you out.

 

I really don't have much to offer in terms of your insecurities, but one thing that I wanted to say is that you should get your thyroid checked.

A good friend of mine noticed that she was losing LOTS of hair and it turned out that she was diagnosed as having hypothyroid (slow thyroid) and that was actually contributing to it greatly. She had to go on meds for it and have it monitored but it did help.

 

Before that, she went to doctors and the first few didn't even consider putting her on meds because she was "at the very low end of normal' - but finally a smart doctor decided it was hypothyroid and things go better once her meds balanced her hormones.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

As for the rest. Yeah working out in the gym is boring at times, but do what you can, and get good music to make workouts more enjoyable.

 

And don't be so hard on yourself. 5-8lbs is not hard to reverse.

 

Good luck

[oldshirt]

My left leg is 8 lbs overweight. I won't even get into how much. Extra the rest of me is caring around.

 

Look up the term "body dysmorphic disorder" and see if that describes you.

[bubbaganoosh]

If your husband is that short sighted and finicky then honestly he isn't much of a man Sorry if you think that's a low blow but isn't there something in your marriage vows that say something like "better and worse, sickness and in health" or does that only for the other guy who isn't a fit and trim as he is.

[orangetree]

Maybe your husband lacks bit of emotional intelligence and he isn't that empathetic, but I don't see him doing things wrong.

 

I do understand your anxieties, but you shouldn't allow them to take over your life. When your husband said 'You can still get a wig' I don't think he meant that in a way that he's shallow and doesn't wanna see you balding. He probably saw that getting bald is a big fear of yours and he wanted to cheer you up. Most men are practical about stuff like that, he just told you you can still get a wig so you shouldn't worry about losing your hair.

 

Also, if he thought you were fat he wouldn't point out fatties in the street. He clearly doesn't find you overweight. And now that you told him he's not pointing out overweight people anymore, which also shows that he listened to you and doesn't want to upset you with that again.

 

The attraction part, it's not his fault. He loves you and he wants to be with you, but he cannot decide if he finds you more or less attractive with a few pounds more. Maybe he finds you less attractive, but he still stays with you. He wants YOU, not someone else.

 

 

I totally understand why you're worrying about all those things, but I think you should work on your self-esteem. It's not (always) the job of your man to give you that self-esteem you need. Maybe counselling for a while wouldn't be bad.

[anna121]

I'm very sorry about the hair thing. That would destroy me too, as I'm very attached to my hair.

 

There are things you can do to make your appearance better (in your eyes). But the more important challenge is the anxiety and shame - your words. That sounds problematic to me, possibly exacerbated by what you perceive as your husband's preference (but be careful about ascribing motivations etc to him that he hasn't actually told you. That's more on you than him).

 

I honestly think you should seek out counselling, to learn ways to look at the situation differently and be more confident in your relationship.

[BadDog]

Maybe your husband lacks bit of emotional intelligence and he isn't that empathetic, but I don't see him doing things wrong.

 

I do understand your anxieties, but you shouldn't allow them to take over your life. When your husband said 'You can still get a wig' I don't think he meant that in a way that he's shallow and doesn't wanna see you balding. He probably saw that getting bald is a big fear of yours and he wanted to cheer you up. Most men are practical about stuff like that, he just told you you can still get a wig so you shouldn't worry about losing your hair.

 

Also, if he thought you were fat he wouldn't point out fatties in the street. He clearly doesn't find you overweight. And now that you told him he's not pointing out overweight people anymore, which also shows that he listened to you and doesn't want to upset you with that again.

 

The attraction part, it's not his fault. He loves you and he wants to be with you, but he cannot decide if he finds you more or less attractive with a few pounds more. Maybe he finds you less attractive, but he still stays with you. He wants YOU, not someone else.

 

 

I totally understand why you're worrying about all those things, but I think you should work on your self-esteem. It's not (always) the job of your man to give you that self-esteem you need. Maybe counselling for a while wouldn't be bad.

 

Thanks for this and thanks to Anna too. I didn't think about his words that way. I did notice he stopped commenting but I was focused on what I know he thinks.

 

I don't always know how he sees me. I got a new job and I brought a picture of us home I had in the office and asked if he wanted it for his office. He said yes, and he did bring it.

 

He's so important to me I'm afraid something will screw it up.

[BadDog]

Hi,

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through and how much it's obviously stressing you out.

 

I really don't have much to offer in terms of your insecurities, but one thing that I wanted to say is that you should get your thyroid checked.

A good friend of mine noticed that she was losing LOTS of hair and it turned out that she was diagnosed as having hypothyroid (slow thyroid) and that was actually contributing to it greatly. She had to go on meds for it and have it monitored but it did help.

 

Before that, she went to doctors and the first few didn't even consider putting her on meds because she was "at the very low end of normal' - but finally a smart doctor decided it was hypothyroid and things go better once her meds balanced her hormones.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

As for the rest. Yeah working out in the gym is boring at times, but do what you can, and get good music to make workouts more enjoyable.

 

And don't be so hard on yourself. 5-8lbs is not hard to reverse.

 

Good luck

 

I am hypothyroid but the doc says it's due to perimenopause.

[oldshirt]

Nothing that has been said so far indicates that Mr Baddog has actually lost any attraction or desire for her. There is no actual evidence of that, only her description of her interpretation that he hasn't initiated as much sex with her.

In fact nothing here provides proof he has even noticed the weight gain or hair loss.

 

Sure he may have made some crude comments towards other people, but unless he is truly the worlds biggest ass, he wouldn't refer to other people being fatties to her if he thought she was fat.

 

I must point out that if he is in fact initiating less sexual activity with her, that could easily be due to her being less sexually responsive and flirtatious herself. My concern here is that her insecurities and body image issues have lead her to be less flirtatious and responsive and therefor he simply isn't hitting on her as much. He may have not the slightest dip in his attraction or desire for her.

 

From her description of her confronting him, he seemed somewhat surprised out of the blue and somewhat put off by her assertions.

 

This may be primarily a self-image and body dysmorphic issue in her rather than an attraction and desire issue in him.

[Popsicle]

Well, he was shallow your whole R, but then again so we're you. Now you're realizing that beauty is transient and only skin deep. Hopefully he realizes that too.

[BadDog]

Nothing that has been said so far indicates that Mr Baddog has actually lost any attraction or desire for her. There is no actual evidence of that, only her description of her interpretation that he hasn't initiated as much sex with her.

In fact nothing here provides proof he has even noticed the weight gain or hair loss.

 

Sure he may have made some crude comments towards other people, but unless he is truly the worlds biggest ass, he wouldn't refer to other people being fatties to her if he thought she was fat.

 

I must point out that if he is in fact initiating less sexual activity with her, that could easily be due to her being less sexually responsive and flirtatious herself. My concern here is that her insecurities and body image issues have lead her to be less flirtatious and responsive and therefor he simply isn't hitting on her as much. He may have not the slightest dip in his attraction or desire for her.

 

From her description of her confronting him, he seemed somewhat surprised out of the blue and somewhat put off by her assertions.

 

This may be primarily a self-image and body dysmorphic issue in her rather than an attraction and desire issue in him.

 

I am definitely involved in the lack of sex. I feel gross. But he has never really liked it much when I initiate. So I end up waiting around.

 

And gee, thanks, Popsicle. Neither of us are shallow. If you think looks don't matter in our society at all, well, I have bad news for you.

[Got it]

I think it is hard to distinguish what he has actually said/felt and what you have assumed he has felt. So I think you need to have some very frank dialogue with him. What is a red flag, for me, is your reservation in addressing these feelings with your husband. The point to a marriage is being able to be vulnerable, to not deal in facades. And you seems to be caught in a facade of how you should look, act, etc.

 

And I know the shallow comment felt harsh but it does come off a little bit like that. You are walking on egg shells right now worrying that 5 pounds here or there can have a radical impact on the way your husband sees you. That, quite frankly, is very harsh! Talk about a very tight rope that the two of you seemingly expect each other to walk to still stay in love/attracted.

 

But this is assuming that your husband actually feels like this. Why not ask him? Discuss with him your concerns, insecurities, and your desire to be reassured. Give him the chance to know what you need and to give it to you. Some of this seems to be a bit of a mind reading "set up" and that isn't fair to him.

 

But if the above is true, and these requirements are legit, well life will throw you both curve balls to either soften or reevaluate what is truly important in a marriage/partner or will give you both a very strict and narrow set of expectations which does not allow for any deviation and which is not setting the marriage up for success.

[autumnnight]

I wanted to add that even if your hypothyroid IS due to perimenopause, it should still be supplemented. Armour is a natural thyroid supplement and can make a real difference. I have a lot of hair and a few years ago it started falling out. My skin went crazy too. It turned out it was a low thyroid, and when I started medication my hair got thick and smooth again, my skin cleared up, and I dropped about 15 pounds.

[Mal78]

One of the threads on here about 'always being perfect for your man' really triggered me.

 

I've been suffering from medical hair loss for a couple of years now. The doctor thinks I've just basically lost the perimenopause genetic lottery. It's gotten to the point where it's noticeable. This is really traumatic for me. I used to have hair that would make any Victorian woman jealous, and I would use it as a major source of self-expression, through color, etc. Now I can't do that and I see my hair in the garbage every day. Every salon trip is a nightmare instead of me-time like it used to be.

 

I realize it's not objectively a big deal, compared to what other people struggle with. But I grew up as a child of two parents just like the person in that thread. I heard often, "take care of yourself or someone else will take care of him", "remember, you are easily replaced", and the worst, "keep your man sexually exhausted and he won't stray". (That was my dad. I'm a woman).

 

Adding insult to injury, my husband is very fit and enjoys his particular sport, so it's no big deal to be in shape. I injured myself at my sport and can no longer do that. That leaves me with the gym, which bores me and is a major effort. So I am about 8 pounds overweight and not toned at the moment. Some of that is due to health problems this year that are starting to resolve.

 

He is clearly less attracted to me if I am AT ALL not fit. I am not exaggerating when I say he can tell the difference if I'm 5 pounds over. He says nothing but will not initiate sex and so obviously less attracted to me it's like screaming to me.

 

So of course I am panicking about the hair loss. I am going on some meds that may help. But probably not. I am convinced he will be turned off totally. I tried to talk to him once and he seemed offended:"what did I do to ever give you the idea I was that shallow!?"

 

I said, "uh...staying away from me for 8 pounds and making comments about random 'fatties' on the street?" And then there was the time I said I was afraid I'd be bald and he said "well, you can always get a wig". Not, "I love you no matter what".

 

He said he was a little hurt but I noticed he never points out "fatties" anymore. However, the weight thing stays.

 

I am going to get supplemental hair but I can't wear it 24/7. Do I need counseling? I think he hates hearing about my anxiety. He thinks I'm obsessive, which I am - see anxiety about hair and upbringing.

 

Does anyone have any thoughts? This anxiety and worry and shame is running my life now and I don't want that.

 

This is me, however it is a all consuming very debilitating skin condition. Something I have no control over, no cure for and is constant anxiety over. I pray to trade it for 200lbs over weight (I know that sounds superficial, however I often think... If a magic fairy gave me the choice between the two).

 

I've been in Dr. Office waiting rooms watching people with their barely a *thing* issue (skin related) and think... really?

 

I wasn't born with it. My H met me before it and irony is its from the trauma of giving birth (why it presents itself, my births were not traumatic in the least. Some people get it after an accident or major surgery...ect). I gave birth 5 times, increasing the severity each time and doesn't go away after.

 

So, if one needs to blindly walk through life being superficial not realizing in a moments notice all your hard work to stay fit, maintain your outwards appearance can be taken away (by illness, disease, accident...ect) and that you believe your spouse loves your for your strict standards for appearance I would hope you aren't surprised if he/she drops you like a hot potato if any reason takes those things away. That they are only with you for the *superficial you* and they didn't get the opportunity to fall in love with the raw and vulnerable you.

 

I am proud (I don't say it often enough to him... but I should) that I am not married to a superficial man. He is an honorable man who would not make fun or look down on anyone for anything. He doesn't choose friends based on their appearance however by the quality of their character.

 

I once wrote an essay contest about what it's like to live with my condition. The prize, ironically was a $1500 camera. There were hundreds of submitting contestants, it eventually narrowed to me being in the top 10, 5... then 3. The judges were a panel of Dermatologist (which was strange to me). I eventually won. I wrote about my H, my children and the fact that I am not my skin or condition. I am much more than what I appear to be. I offer valuable lessons to my children on the meaning of true beauty and superficial beauty (which can work together as well).

 

As for our husband's. They have flaws too... I've learned that I need to validate myself much more than he needs to. I am sexy, sensual and there is ways around my "skin thing".

[tobrieornottobrie]

I realize that I'm not the first person to suggest this on here but I think some counseling or therapy may prove to be extremely helpful for you. It sounds like you have a lot going on and maybe having a professional to talk to about it would enable you to work through some of the things that you mentioned. I hope that things get better for you. Wishing you the best of luck!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the brie's cheese knees

[BadDog]

Thank you for the suggestions.

 

I will try and talk to him again about it. I stopped trying because I get obsessive and it really doesn't matter what he says, I don't feel much better. If he was able to say, "look, I love you and it doesn't matter and we'll make it work" it probably would. But he has said before that he just doesn't know what to say and me keeping on asking with him keeping on not knowing what to say annoys him. He has said before he never wants to talk about his feelings because historically no one has cared (true, in his family) and I keep working on that, I am not them. But I haven't made too much headway.

 

Instead he does things for me. He's an Acts of Service guy and he likes Words of Affirmation but he really sucks at supportive listening, which I need because I like to talk out everything. I recently got a new job and he was fantastically supportive. And it isn't just me because I ask some pretty basic things about his boss and work friends and he doesn't know (if they're in a relationship, where they live, etc).

 

Maybe I just need to pay someone to do that.

 

And I am on thyroid meds. That isn't the problem. It is likely genetic that I may or may not be able to stop temporarily with other meds.

Edited December 27, 2014 by BadDog