I feel pain (Updated about living together)

[MissBee]

I do not understand how him living with you in another city is any different from divorcing his wife, if he supposedly told her and she agrees with this arrangement? If she supposedly has gone so far as to accept him living with you in ANOTHER CITY, why would divorce be worse??? This makes no sense and seems like he is lying and delusional or if true both of them are insane.

 

What he's suggesting makes no sense on many levels. How is moving to live with his OW in another city then lying to his kids saying he is there for work making him such a great dad??? This has to be one of the most absurd things I've heard. MM who want to stay married for their kids usually want to stay in the marital home and family home WITH their kids. If you are going to move to another city with your OW and lie about it and pretend you're working there, might as well divorce and be honest, they will probably get used to it just like they're gonna now have to get used to dad living in X city for work. The thing too is that this assumes they will NEVER find out the truth of his lies, which cannot be guaranteed and which a lot of people in affairs overlook. They assume kids are just oblivious people who don't know anything and can't sense when things are off or can't pick up or understand certain things...and coming from a kid who had a cheating dad this isn't true. Even if they don't quite get everything now, kids grow up and can think back and put the pieces together and it hurts them and makes them angry especially if they feel like their childhood was a lie. I can see this absurd plan backfiring where his kids do end up realizing no, dad wasn't there for work, he MOVED OUT and LIED to us to be with his OW and chose to live with her in another city secretly....I mean...how is this any better than a divorce where he sits the kids down and explains things and allows them to be able to come visit him and the like?

 

As for you: you need to tell him this is a ridiculous plan. If he cannot leave his wife, he cannot be with you, simple. NO MAN is that great where you need to be his secret live in gf while he's still married. What for? Why does he get to do that? Do you even know what this means for you? The logistics don't even compute, because if he is hiding this from his kids, he probably needs to hide it from other people too so that word doesn't get out about it, so you'll just be his secret live in gf and still the OW who will have to publicly disown. You deserve more than that. You're buying into it because of your hopes for a future, but frankly, none of this is adding up to a rosy picture of a promising future, but simply more and more and more lies and disrespecting you in more and more bold ways. For him to even suggest this shows how dumb he must think you are that you'd even agree to something so ridiculous and I doubt he's told his wife this because it's a dumb idea and she would probably tell him to eff off because he must think she is stupid to accept this arrangement. I would have been insulted if my exAP suggested something like this. I'd tell him exactly what I'm telling you, that his plan is absurd and he shouldn't do that to his kids because it makes no sense to add insult to injury by lying to them like that and he's insulting me too by saying he cannot leave and divorce he can only live with me in another city and pretend he's working there.

 

Further, if he is separated but pretending, I'd not sign myself up for that drama. He doesn't need to live with you or you him in my opinion. Let him sort his life out without you both being under the same roof. You wouldn't even be with a separated man on the way to divorce, but a man who is still married, still actively trying to keep up appearances that he is married, just working in another city. This will most likely NOT end well. I'd tell him absolutely NOT! He is right now the definition of wanting to eat your cake and still have it, i.e. trying to have two incompatible things, a pretend marriage and to be a great dad in his kids' eyes while playing house with you on the side and telling them dad's just working in the city. If he wants the privilege to live with you, he can get a divorce. In the mean time, Tell him NO!

Edited December 28, 2014 by MissBee

[darkmoon]

his horrible wife, he picked her to marry not you, until they are divorced leave it, he would divorce if he was unhappy, he wants you to be a secret side-piece, do not move in with him, it is breadcrumbs

[sisa]

I ask him if he will divorce, he can't promise this to me, he say we will see how future goes. He told me now he think the better way is get separate first and let his wife used to it, he want thing can be smooth not drama.

[jellybean89]

I don't think any of us are going to make you open your eyes and see how terrible this is. You are so blinded by love you will do whatever he says. How will you feel when your family is shown the sex video you made with MM? Who will you feel when it is posted all over the internet for others to see?

[sisa]

he say she won't do that, and if she do that he will marry me.

I know I am kind of blind, but in the other hand I feel he try to do a lot to me, he ask me what he can do, I really don't know because I don't want he hurt his family but I want him.

[MissBee]

I ask him if he will divorce, he can't promise this to me, he say we will see how future goes. He told me now he think the better way is get separate first and let his wife used to it, he want thing can be smooth not drama.

 

This makes no sense.

 

His wife does not need to "get used to it." I think most sane women would rather their husbands just divorce them than have him separate and live with his OW while he and now she has to lie to their kids about him working in another city not to mention friends and family will also have questions and what is she going to tell them, she is either gonna have to lie to them too or say "Tom's living with his OW in another city, but he's only doing this so that I can get used to it before the final divorce." LMAO! Comical really. This IS NOT getting used to it. That is adding insult to injury and now forcing her to also be part of his charade.

 

He is simply making excuses IMO. NOTHING he is saying sounds reasonable.

 

If he cannot promise you divorce, it means he will not divorce, very simple. Men serious about divorce but who do a separation don't say "I cannot divorce her...I cannot promise divorce....we should be together but I will say I work in another city"....look...all of that is still saying AFFAIR and breadcrumbs and not a man who is getting divorced. A divorcing man would have timelines, reassure you he is indeed getting divorced and other things, him saying multiple times he cannot leave her and cannot promise divorce can't be any clearer that you should NOT expect a divorce, he has said as much. Do not agree to this. This man is being clear that he cannot and will not divorce his wife....if you don't want to be with a married man forever then you have to accept this and walk away.

Edited December 28, 2014 by MissBee

[Popsicle]

I think he can do whatever he wants. W won't divorce him even if he lives with you so she will be ok with it.

[anika99]

What a horrible man! and what stupid plan!

 

 

So his new idea is too abandon his children altogether? So that he doesn't hurt them? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard of. If he truly loved his children and had concern for them, he would divorce his wife and move somewhere nearby so that he can continue to parent and care for his children as a hands on dad. How can you even consider being with a man who would treat his own children this way? He's going to lie to them and then run away with you? That's disgusting and a good indicator of how he will treat you and your future children with them. He's showing you right now that he is a lousy partner and a downright horrible parent.

[whichwayisup]

I also think his wife will not accept or feel ok at this moment, what I wish maybe one day she can not feel so bad about this.

 

I want to be with this man, and I don't want he feel guilty and regret in future, so that's why I feel maybe ok to try to be with him even he is not divorce yet. He say he will live with me, and we build up our future together, sometimes I feel have life together maybe better than be the wife but seperate.

 

so confuse sometimes too.

 

Then wait until he's divorced and has had some time to adjust. It's so unhealthy to just up and leave his life as he knows and start a new one with you. He has kids, family entwined with his wife so it's very unrealistic to think this will work out - Him moving in with you, lying to everybody about his whereabouts while working out of town.

[Redheaded Mistress]

They're in a contest of crazy and using you in the middle. You will not win.

 

Take all the emails he sent you, forward them to her, tell her that big bowl of nuts is her problem and walk away. Seriously, just chuck a match over your shoulder as you run off. Even if he does leave, you will have to deal with this woman for the rest of your life and all the crazy that comes with it. Ask yourself if it's worth it.

[jellybean89]

What do you "love" about him?

 

He cheats. He lies. He is not honorable. He treats you poorly. He made a sex tape without your knowledge and then gave it to his wife. He wants you to just be quiet and let him have sex with you whenever he wants, he isn't leaving his wife. What exactly do you LOVE about him?

[darkmoon]

tell to come back single, he does not like his wife, ok, he can divorce if he is unhappy

 

no need to live with him yet the wife has a sex tape and you know she will use it, get out of this drama, protect yourself and slow down

[Poppy47]

OMG Why on earth would you want to be involved in the middle of all this???

 

They both sound as if they should be locked up in a mental asylum . You will be in there with them if you continue.

 

I think they are trying to hurt each other using you as their chosen weapon.

 

Poppy47

[SunshineToday]

Okay Sisa, none of us are going to tell you what you want to hear. You can't accept that if he wanted you and only you-- he would have left his wife when this all blew up with the sex video.

So we have warned you. We have given you examples. But you just won't let yourself see. I'm so sorry for you.

As long as you are okay with being the one on the side while he stays married to his wife, you will be good. He won't change it. Yes he wants you. He wants his wife MORE.

 

I do hope you come back to this board and post the outcome once this is all over. Sorry for your pain.

[darkmoon]

ask him to steal the tape back, he can say his sordid past needed to get thrown away, he tossed it in the river, he must be a good liar to have an affair like you two are, secret

 

i want to test this man, is he protective and caring of you?

or are you just part of his and her drama

Edited December 28, 2014 by darkmoon

[truncated]

OP,

forget about all the nonsense surrounding your affair with this guy. Strip it down to the bare bones, and ask yourself why you wnat to be with him. If all you can come up with is 'I love him' and a few supericial reasons, then you know this is a huge mistake.

 

Real love, not just some harlequin novel tpe drama involves action, not words. Words mean nothing it's behavior that does. His behavior is loving to no one but himself.

[beach]

is there any OW on the board live with separated MM?

I have long discussion with him these two days, he tell his W that he want stay with me and he want live with me. but He don't want divorce because not good for the kids and hurt his wife too. he say things take time and now he think separate and live with me in another city Could work because kids would think he just work in another place. He say he decide for me and want me think about it.

part of me understand his concern because I don't want see them in pain too. maybe just my traditional thinking feel being lover is insecure and low.

I know he do a lot for me, he told his wife that he want to be with me. He tell me his wife didn't do any wrong things and he can't just leave her, he has responsible to her too.

is there anyone here has similar situation?

 

But he isn't separated is he?

 

Why don't you call his wife and ask her?

 

He's made it perfectly clear he intends to stay with his wife.

 

He chooses her. IF he is separated it's because SHE decided for him.

 

So he still chose her.

 

 

Do you really intend to be number 2 to him/any man?

 

This guy is manipulative and using you. His wife will seek revenge yet you keep communicating with him knowing she will expose your sex tape.

 

Expect her to show the tape. It's only your fault for continuing to communicate with him.

 

If you skipped it before - your OM is a total jerk!

Edited December 29, 2014 by beach

[Popsicle]

I think the best way for all involved is to tell him that he needs to get separated first like he said he would do and remain in LC without seeing each other until he is divorced. He should live alone during that time too until things have calmed down. After that point you two can do whatever you want. You should tell him this.

[GirlStillStrong]

is there any OW on the board live with separated MM?

I have long discussion with him these two days, he tell his W that he want stay with me and he want live with me. but He don't want divorce because not good for the kids and hurt his wife too. he say things take time and now he think separate and live with me in another city Could work because kids would think he just work in another place. He say he decide for me and want me think about it.

part of me understand his concern because I don't want see them in pain too. maybe just my traditional thinking feel being lover is insecure and low.

I know he do a lot for me, he told his wife that he want to be with me. He tell me his wife didn't do any wrong things and he can't just leave her, he has responsible to her too.

is there anyone here has similar situation?

Yes, they all seem to say the same things! They are married and are going to continue to be married, for whatever reason, but also want to be with you. They claim they have told their wife this and she just does not want to accept it or does not want to divorce or some other excuse. They want us to accept only part of a relationship. This is how they are with their wives too! They are not fully present in ANY of their relationships.

[sisa]

his wife got the video from his phone, not he gave her. She use it to threat me, and I got the promise from him that if she reveal, he will divorce her and marry me.

 

He tell me a lot his thinking and her feelings. He never talk bad about her, he always told me she is not a bad person, and not doing any bad things, he don't have reasons to divorce her and if he do, he will always feel guilty.

 

He told her he want to be with me, and won't change. he tell me he want separate but not want to divorce because he love their kids and divorce will hurt kids and destroy the relationship with kids and hurt her. I am single without kids, but I can imagine that, and in fact he really do a lot to his family, I can see it.

 

He told me he don't know what to do can make everyone happy. What he wish is live with me but let his wife keep the marriage. she don't have job and need security. I understand and i don't want hurt her too. but in the other hand, I don't like be lover and want he can marry me because I want build a family too.

 

He say he really want to marry me but don't know what to do to make everyone happy, now he can't marry me because when he mention divorce thing, his wife start saying suitside thing, he feel pain when see her suffer too.

 

He talk about live me in another city is a way because he say live in the same city, kids will feel weird that he don't live with them. And he tell me he will need to go back often because he feel company kids is important and he will do that.

 

situation is difficult, of course I can just say goodbye and leave him and away from this storm, I did try that many times but in the end always back together. he say I should discuss this with my family that we decide together and will live together. He always ask me what he should do, I want he can divorce and I know I will be nice to his family, but when I think about his kids, I feel I am bad to destroy their family. so I don't know what to do too.

 

he say things take time, but if he can have wife and me at the side, why he need divorce, I don't know how to do can let he marry me and in the same time make his family not in dynamic.

 

what I love about him, I think many, love cannot explain.

I just want to know if there is any way to solve this situation. Is there anyway we can marry but his kids don't hate him?

[anika99]

Do you not understand that if the MM runs away to another city to shack up with you, his kids and his wife will be just as hurt as they would be if he divorced? They are not going to just happily accept their dad left town to be with an OW. Or does your MM think he can lie to everyone and hide the fact that he is actually living with you? That's a stupid plan and it won't work. His wife will figure that one out in no time flat, and he will still be treating you like a dirty secret.

 

 

So he promised you that if his wife reveals the video he will divorce her and marry you? Why? That sounds like more nonsense to me. If he absolutely can't divorce for the well being of his children, why would he suddenly not care about his children the moment the video is shown? If this is all about protecting his children from divorce then what difference does the video make? The video would make him not care about his children anymore? If he can divorce when the video is out in the open, then he can divorce now.

[whatatangledweb]

He is future faking with you again. He tells you he can't divorce then he tells you he can in the future. Then he switches it again. He is not going to go live with you in another town. Ask your family. Do they really want you to be this man's mistress?

 

He will not divorce his wife when she releases the video. And she will release it. He is telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear. That is why it constantly switches.

 

Did you take a pregnancy test?

 

I am really sorry that he is doing this to you. And I am afraid you are going to end up with embarrassment from the video and pain.

[sisa]

Do you not understand that if the MM runs away to another city to shack up with you, his kids and his wife will be just as hurt as they would be if he divorced? They are not going to just happily accept their dad left town to be with an OW. Or does your MM think he can lie to everyone and hide the fact that he is actually living with you? That's a stupid plan and it won't work. His wife will figure that one out in no time flat, and he will still be treating you like a dirty secret.

 

yes, I discuss this issue with him too. but he told me, his wife don't want divorce but might be able to accept separation with him and live with kids. She don't have work and she say if divorce the kids will be assign to the father, and she cannot accept this.

He know I don't like to be dirty secret, so he tell his wife very clear that he want to be live with me and he want me to the same and telling my family. He told me what he want is his wife can accept we are together, and he will still take care of her to let her still have good life with kids.

He don't know how to deal with all this, and he think keep marriage with her but live with me may be a way.

I also don't know how to deal with it, I don't want force him divorce, but I want to marry him and he know it.

 

So he promised you that if his wife reveals the video he will divorce her and marry you? Why? That sounds like more nonsense to me. If he absolutely can't divorce for the well being of his children, why would he suddenly not care about his children the moment the video is shown? If this is all about protecting his children from divorce then what difference does the video make? The video would make him not care about his children anymore? If he can divorce when the video is out in the open, then he can divorce now.

He say if his wife reveal video, means she don't care he anymore, and he feel reveal private video to others is wrong. he will marry me because he don't want others feel I am dirty.

he tell me right now his wife didn't do any bad thing, so he don't have reasons to divorce her.

[sisa]

He is future faking with you again. He tells you he can't divorce then he tells you he can in the future. Then he switches it again. He is not going to go live with you in another town. Ask your family. Do they really want you to be this man's mistress?

 

He will not divorce his wife when she releases the video. And she will release it. He is telling you whatever he thinks you want to hear. That is why it constantly switches.

 

Did you take a pregnancy test?

 

I am really sorry that he is doing this to you. And I am afraid you are going to end up with embarrassment from the video and pain.

 

the rational part of me telling me this might happen, and I afraid this. but everytime he take time to explain to me, he is really serious.

 

I think 80% he will move to another city with me, and divorce is she release the video. but there are 20% I still doubt.

 

thank you for all telling me your thinking, I am not looking for some answer but I just feel I might can see all the thing more clear from listen your experience and thinking here.

 

I do the test and I am not pregnant, I am so release from this.

 

he say he would like me pregnant, so we can form a family. it's me who afraid pregnant, because I still feel things is unclear, and I don't want more conflict involved.

[summerdowling87]

I thought at one point he said he would not marry you and not get a divorce.

 

I think this guy is just telling you what you want to here also if you move away together while keeping it & you a secret.

 

I bet you once he's back home he going to play the good husband role w his wife.