Jay13094 Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 I have been in countless label-less relationships.. with that said i have never had a boyfriend where we "sealed the deal" but just dating in the sense where we are exclusive and our friends are all aware and what not. (i am 20 yrs old) (i'm not in label-less relationships b/c i choose to, i am looking for a relationship. The guys i've met just don't seem to be on the same page or there's always something) the one that i'm in right now is the most serious one of them all. We've only seen each other for 2 months- but those 2 months have escalated very quickly from hanging out DAILY, i have an apartment so he sleeps over often, keep in touch all hours of the day, met my family/friends, he kind of moved in i'd say (a lot of his things are in my room), and we have both expressed our feelings for each other. Not to mention he treats me extremely well. The catch here, is that he's moving to the other coast in february b/c of a job offer. This initially broke me b/c someone I care about is leaving and b/c of life.. there's nothing we can do about it. He's out of the country at the moment on vacation with his family but he hasn't contacted me there (he's gone for 3 weeks) which I understand- you're w/ your family so do your thing. Although he left me very anxious leading to the conclusion that he wanted to end things with me. I ended up talking to his friend and the advice he gave me was "you need to stop being so attached to him, i know its hard but in the long run it will be for the better. I don't think he would end things unless he were to move, but either way he thinks you're really chill and if you guys did end.. he'd want you in his life for sure. But honestly, don't expect too much out of this and just enjoy the remaining time with him" while that is good advice, We did both get into this knowing from the beginning he was moving- we just ended up getting way too caught up. my whole thing is.. does everything else that we've gone through not really matter? its hard for me to swallow that during those 2 months he could of seen it as nothing but just "fun" and "we had a good run, but i have to leave" Not saying that how he saw it as- but just from the advice his friend game me thats just my take on it. am i just being selfish for thinking this way? Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 No, you're not being selfish -- but I'd say you're being foolish, have been all along if you knew he was leaving. And I read (and answered) your other post. I'm much, much older than you and been in similar, though not identical situations. (For starters, am male.) If you knew he was leaving from the get-go, you shouldn't have allowed yourself to become so involved and attached. And yes, he may have seen it all along as just a short-term romance, I won't quite call it a fling. (Or he may not have been thinking at all.) You shouldn't have allowed yourself to get involved much at all unless you are someone who can simply detach her feelings from relations with the opposite sex. If you're only 20 you have plenty of time to learn these things the hard way. But why not try to be more sensible about your emotional and romantic life? You can at least resolve to start to learn. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 If you're only 20 you have plenty of time to learn these things the hard way. But why not try to be more sensible about your emotional and romantic life? You can at least resolve to start to learn. Well said...in all fairness, some in their 30s and 40s still struggle with this. By allowing herself to be involved so much, perhaps she had a feeling that she can change him and make him do things he wouldn't want to do / was just being oblivious to the who situation? Just finished watching Dr Phil here, and a woman who met a guy last year, who had his older son tell her that he is an alcoholic. She ignored it and is now pregnant with his child, whilst they continue to fight, him calling her sort of names, and continues to drink. I mean talk about ignoring flags...now she is crying wolf. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay13094 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 we both got carried away and i caught up. Of course I did not see much of this in the beginning b/c we knew he was leaving. it just happened that we both didn't have self control so that is both our faults right there. Just complicated b/c we can't point fingers since we both moved at the same speed Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay13094 Posted December 25, 2014 Author Share Posted December 25, 2014 perhaps she had a feeling that she can change him and make him do things he wouldn't want to do / was just being oblivious to the who situation? Initially he did everything, meaning he would be the one to always invite himself over, wanted to always see me, always texted me first, always called first. He seem to have really liked me, and while I thought we were moving fast I kind of ignored it since I did not mind too much. So in my defense, knowing that I could of told him to stop coming over so often etc- I thought maybe he would of wanted to carry things over when he moved. I think long distance would be very difficult, but I thought this would not be easy for him either. Link to post Share on other sites
chicaboom Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 I was in a very similar situation. I dated someone knowing that I would be leaving the country in 4 months. I ended up falling in love with this person, although we were not compatible in many ways for a long term relationship. I was 28 at the time, so much older than you, but I would say it was a really great learning lesson in many ways. I probably will never do that again b/ c it was very painful. But I learned what I want from a long-term relationship, and also that I actually wanted a long-term relationship. I would say that a lot of things can happen, but b/c it's only been 2 months, cut your losses and to help with the pain think about what you have learned from this experience. How you can make better choices in the future so that you're happier. And who knows, he may come back in the future...but for now be happy that you had the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
Million.to.1 Posted December 25, 2014 Share Posted December 25, 2014 The friend gave you spot on advice. Detach emotionally for your own sake, just enjoy it for what it is. You are young and so his he. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay13094 Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 i'd love to ask how you handled the situation.. did you guys keep in touch regularly or did you decide to cut all ties to make it easier for both of you? When he comes back, i'd love to enjoy our remaining month together. While I know we shouldn't see each other that often b/c that would be a lot harder... whatever route i decide to take, are all going to equally suck the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Sometimes we deny ourselves what we want by settling on something else. Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Initially he did everything, meaning he would be the one to always invite himself over, wanted to always see me, always texted me first, always called first. He seem to have really liked me, and while I thought we were moving fast I kind of ignored it since I did not mind too much. So in my defense, knowing that I could of told him to stop coming over so often etc- I thought maybe he would of wanted to carry things over when he moved. I think long distance would be very difficult, but I thought this would not be easy for him either. It looks like the reason he allowed things to move so fast is simply because he knows he's moving, and the "relationship" already has an expiry date. If he wasn't moving, he'd likely be taking things a LOT slower, and not getting in too deep too fast. It's a fling. His friend has confirmed this. He also hasn't contacted you for a while...not even a quick text. You guys are on very different pages here. Try your best to move past this now. Go NC - don't waste another month on this, when you're way too invested. It will hurt more, and you could be spending your time doing other things. It has only been eight weeks - you will be fine 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Dontfindme Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 my whole thing is.. does everything else that we've gone through not really matter? its hard for me to swallow that during those 2 months he could of seen it as nothing but just "fun" and "we had a good run, but i have to leave" Not saying that how he saw it as- but just from the advice his friend game me thats just my take on it. am i just being selfish for thinking this way? Yes, sometimes that is all it is - "a good run." I struggled with this myself, I still do occasionally. It has been a tough pill to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay13094 Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 It looks like the reason he allowed things to move so fast is simply because he knows he's moving, and the "relationship" already has an expiry date. If he wasn't moving, he'd likely be taking things a LOT slower, and not getting in too deep too fast. while i have thought about that reason "he allowed things to move b/c he knows" then why get so deep with me in the first place? i believe he really did have true feelings for me, but its scary how that can all get left in the back burner and the good times we had gets left there too b/c of the present time and what's going on now. I'm just very anxious, confused, know what to expect, but don't want to believe it. man, i'm dumb. note: before he left he brought up "don't you think we moved too quickly?" like hell yeah, i asked if it was a bad or good thing and he said "its not a bad or good thing.. its just been what 2 months.. what are we gonna do when i leave?" but as much as it is my fault its his as well. I guess i'm just very bitter, and also holding onto some string of hope b/c i don't know how he will react when he see's me again (a lot of his things are at my apartment, so we will see each other) Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 You're in a tough spot. Personally, I think the best thing would be to see him quickly when he gets back, retrieve your things and say your goodbyes. It will take a lot of discipline, and most people will fail and continue to see each other until he moves but I guarantee you that if you do that you will get over him much quicker. The best thing for you would be to get to a state where, in February, while you're aware of his move date you're not totally obsessed and waiting for him to contact you etc. Aim for that. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 Doesn't anybody else see it? How convenient for him to "move in". Saves him money, saves him from being locked in a lease, gets a warm bed to sleep in, etc, and then he can just jet off to a new chapter in life. Just a stepping stone. OP I think it's just only you that got caught up. His friend is simply trying to soften the blow for his buddy's sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jay13094 Posted December 26, 2014 Author Share Posted December 26, 2014 (edited) Doesn't anybody else see it? How convenient for him to "move in". Saves him money, saves him from being locked in a lease, gets a warm bed to sleep in, etc, and then he can just jet off to a new chapter in life. Just a stepping stone. OP I think it's just only you that got caught up. His friend is simply trying to soften the blow for his buddy's sake. this is all true, but he had place but he drives 30+ min, takes a toll to get to my place (not to mention, in a different state). He's in the military, so he moved into a dorm where he can sleep and just go straight to work. but instead, he chooses to wake up at 5:30 in the morning, to leave for work and then heads back either that night or the next day. Edited December 26, 2014 by Jay13094 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted December 26, 2014 Share Posted December 26, 2014 He told you from the beginning this was temporary. I'm sure he enjoys being with you. Guys that age will drive a long ways for sex whether they really like someone or not, but I'm sure he likes you. But at his age, he's not looking to rechart his life for a girl. He's just beginning to explore. I don't think he's nearly as invested as you are or you might have heard from him over the vacation. But he knows it's over once he moves. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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