I'm the OW

[raspberry.12]

Hi all,

 

Can't believe I'm here again in this category

I'm single, in mid 30s. My last relationship broke 2 years ago. A year later, I met him as a friend of my Dad. I knew he is married since day 1 and I had no intention of getting to know him. Then my Dad told me he is separated with his wife, I asked my Dad how he found out. My Dad said he told him.

In fact I had no intention still as I thought he was still working out with his wife. I just became his close friend, a listener for him to share things. We texted each other so often and a few months later, I started to have feelings with him and I reckon he was the same.

We started going out without anyone knowing, I'd like to keep secret. Then a few months later, he moved out, lived by himself. We didn't live together, I just went to his place at the weekend.

Things seem going ok until 4 weeks ago, he told me his youngest son wants him to go back, he wants Mum & Dad to be together again. I asked what he responded to the son. He said he'll think about it. Since then, I feel so bad as I have a feeling he would decide to go back, because regardless, family is still the one. I wanted to say goodbye to him but I am so scared of loosing him, I love him so much. At the same time, I don't want his son to be away from his Dad. I know I shouldn't put myself in this situation until his divorce but I can't stop myself loving him.

I just need some advice, should I give him space to think about his decision or should I leave him completely?

[Baby123]

I have been in a very similar situation to this. My A only lasted 2 months and my MM left as promised. We had a relationship where we lived together for a year and it was extremely passionate and loving but we had problems. We had an age gap and the fact I was moving to the big city to for a high flying cooperate job. He never wanted to hold me back but felt like he constantly was and when I was out with friends, he'd sit in the apartment by himself missing his kids. All his friends were judgemental/jealous of him.

 

The BS started to engage in more and more crazy behaviour, she claimed she was raped, bought strangers to there house for sex when her kids were in and then finally took an overdose (I was traveling for a month at this point). The kids begged him to go back and he said he'd try for them. He went through the motions, 'dated' her again, started visiting there house again and went on a family holiday I was heartbroken and begging him to stay with me (I stupidly stayed with him through all of this)

 

Only went I went NC did the tug of war between me and the family end. I told him to leave me the hell alone, I blocked him on everything and walked out of his life- how could he have treated me, the person he adores so badly.

During NC my MM was miserable, cried constantly and told his family he wanted to be with me or nobody. He filed for divorce and messaged me off an unknown phone- I was so angry but I listened to him.

 

I made a lot of demands, such as counciling, that id be updated on the sale of the assets and progress of divorce and he had to become transparent with all his forms of social media and mobile. We are together now and the D is finalised and me and his kids are getting on great. The bs finally found someone- we are all moving forward. I just will never forget the scars he gave me- everyday he tries and I try to move forward (hopefully we get there)

 

My advice is go NC, this will put an end to the triangle, and let him make a true choice- I let him have his cake and eat it- he did and now eventhough we are together I will never forget the pain.

[Trimmer]

I just need some advice, should I give him space to think about his decision or should I leave him completely?

Don't both of these options call for exactly the same behavior on your part anyway? Detach from him and stay out of his life, unless and until he becomes divorced at some point?

 

If these are your two options (and I think they are likely the most reasonable ones), then you don't really have an agonizing choice to make, do you? For the foreseeable future, it's the same for you either way.

 

And I'll note that you may say: "Yes, but whether I give him space and wait for him or leave him permanently makes a difference..." Perhaps, but you are likely to find that if you take the "give him space" path, his decision making process is likely to be so agonizing and prolonged that you might as well figure on leaving him completely, because it will essentially take forever either way.

[raspberry.12]

Hi,

To give you an update, I finally ended things with him, via texts actually as we both sensed what is going on.

His last word to me was nothing but sigh.

It was so hard, I felt heartbroken with lots of tears but I think it'll be best for both.

He can have the chance to get his family back (regardless whether it works or not afterwards) and I have my chance to look for the man of my life.

To be honest, it could be up to a year before I can start dating again as I always need alot of time to heal.

I feel so lonely right now, I really need support.

On my last relationship, I wasn't the one to say goodbye and I said that "the one who inititated breakup always feel better"

But this time, I said goodbye but I felt like hell, no better in anyway

[Poppy47]

Raspberry,

 

It's good that you did that... no matter how badly you are feeling now.

 

It might have been very very messy if you had continued. Especially with children involved.

 

Poppy.

[coolheadal]

What you had would be something to remember, but that's was in the past. Got to think in the NOW! I see you understand what's going on. He'll end up with or without his family. But your not in his thoughts. More of distraction, a bit of fun away from his wife but in a safe neural zone he had created for you and him to do things together. Well you have kept this a secret so you don't have to walk away in a reject mode. But a positive one. More on as your doing now and this affair will be a memory of the past!

[Friskyone4u]

Raspberry

You will be better off. Seems like you became OW kind of by accident or circumstances. There is no future there.

You hit it right on the head when you said it would be better for you to find the man of your dreams. That will not happen when you are sitting around emotionally unavailable waiting for your " time " with MM. In that state you are already cheating on any new man who becomes interested in your life .

Move on and don't go back when he contacts you again or you will be right back on the merry go round.

[raspberry.12]

Hi all

 

Thanks for your support, it's really much appreciated.

I came to this decision when he told me 3 days ago that he will go for short holiday with his kids for 1 week until the New Year, I asked if his wife comes along, he didn't say a thing but I got it as a "Yes".

He then said that the kids want his Mum to come too.

I then said "you already decided, you just let me know right?". Silence again.

I had nothing to say, I thought he'd be explaining things or said something else to me before he go but none. And I can't stand it, he knows for sure that I'd be upset, unhappy and uncomfortable but still doing it without thinking of me.

I'm not type of person that always complaining things but if a man really love you, he would care for your thoughts and feelings.

Or maybe I'm not kind enough to accept such things.

If only when he handed the divorce paperwork to me to continue our relationship, however,by that time comes around, my feelings/love for him has already been gone.