Questions about living as roommates?

[badkarma2013]

I have read several threads where the Wife or SO...just stops having sex or it becomes such an issue the the H or BF just quits asking and soon finds themselves in the position of a Roommate arrangement with little or no sex or intimacy....

 

A great deal of the time they (The W or GF) is involved in a A...for those who are NOT..AS a H or BF..is this grounds for a D or to call it quits....

 

I know im going to hear from wives that they have begged their Hs for sex or intimacy..and they have stopped any relations with the W or GF....

 

If you are a wife in this position i would love to hear if this is the case in YOUR marriage or relationship if you feel it is ok to have a A if you are in this position..

 

This thread is not looking for Condemnation ...just solid answers...

Edited December 26, 2014 by badkarma2013

[oldshirt]

 

A great deal of the time they (The W or GF) is involved in a A...for those who are NOT..AS a H or BF..is this grounds for a D or to call it quits.

 

If my wife no longer wanted any intimacy with me and was getting it elsewhere, the real question would be - are there any grounds to stay??????

[Mal78]

I have read several threads where the Wife or SO...just stops having sex or it becomes such an issue the the H or BF just quits asking and soon finds themselves in the position of a Roommate arrangement with little or no sex or intimacy....

 

A great deal of the time they (The W or GF) is involved in a A...for those who are NOT..AS a H or BF..is this grounds for a D or to call it quits....

 

I know im going to hear from wives that they have begged their Hs for sex or intimacy..and they have stopped any relations with the W or GF....

 

If you are a wife in this position i would love to hear if this is the case in YOUR marriage or relationship if you feel it is ok to have a A if you are in this position..

 

This thread is not looking for Condemnation ...just solid answers...

 

I would first need to know *why* my H is not wanting sex/intimacy. For me, (18 years of marriage, together 21 years and 5 children) no sex wouldn't be grounds for divorce... not yet anyways. There is too much invested for THAT to be the only reason.

 

This is my reality and we have only just started to scratch the surface in why. My husband is convinced it's because over time you loose that desire and that is just part of life. However, I KNOW this is not true and I have the research to back it up. He, however doesn't *want* to believe my research or that it's credible research (mostly internet) although I try to provide evidence from reputable websites and studies. He just won't hear it. He just wants to see it as normal and that's that.

 

I am frustrated as I feel I am over the top in desire. I would never turn down the opportunity (with my H) and always initiate. I NEED sex and feel I need it a lot. Now I wonder how normal I am.

 

As for seeking out an A to satisfy my need/desire I first hand (as a child and adult) seen the effects an affair can have on a family I wouldn't dream of putting myself in a position especially how vulnerable I am. Affairs are messy, devastating, traumatizing and the effects are life lasting. It can destroy people innocent or not. It can be consuming for a lifetime even if R can be achieved. The thoughts/visions are still there. It still comes up even if it is 20 years later regardless in an argument or in thoughts. Affairs never go away. They are NOT the cure or the answer.

[badkarma2013]

If my wife no longer wanted any intimacy with me and was getting it elsewhere, the real question would be - are there any grounds to stay??????

 

Oldshirt...the question is she is NOT getting it anywhere else...just doesnt want sex or intimacy anymore..

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt...the question is she is NOT getting it anywhere else...just doesnt want sex or intimacy anymore..

 

Oops I misread.

 

 

So getting back to the question then, IMHO I think people have a fundamental right to a right to pursue a full-service relationship that includes a romantic and sexual component.

 

There for if one partner decides that she/he no longer wants a romantic/sexual component in that marriage, they basically tear up their spouse and no longer have the right to assume that their partner will remain with them or remain sexually exclusive to them.

 

(Yes, I did just say if one person declares their wish to no longer have a sexual relationship with their partner, they have no right to expect sexual exclusivity from that partner).

[oldshirt]

And also, people have a right to refuse a roommate situation and leave the marriage in search of a full-service relationship.

 

IMHO people should make a good faith and sincere attempt to address the issues and restore a happy, healthy, full-service marriage! but I do not believe that anyone should be obligated to suck it up and accept a loveless! sexless marriage against their choice.

 

If someone makes a good faith effort to restore sexual relationship but it is still rejected by the other party, then as far as I am concerned they have the right to terminate the marriage and I also believe they are under no obligation to remain celibate until they are legally divorced.

 

That is the risk people take when they deny love and sexuality in marriage, and that goes for both men and women.

[spanz1]

If someone makes a good faith effort to restore sexual relationship but it is still rejected by the other party, then as far as I am concerned they have the right to terminate the marriage and I also believe they are under no obligation to remain celibate until they are legally divorced.

.

 

I agree. the key here is telling the spouse...we are getting divorced, and I might start seeing other people soon.

 

 

Hey, they might be roommates for years to come, and never really divorce legally--no need to be a monk that whole time.

 

 

I think the key here is honesty...tell the SO what is going to happen, just like you wish THEY had told YOU of the other person.

[EverySunset]

As much as I absolutely adore intimacy, sex, and the kind of relationship where it all flows in a warm, loving relationship, I stopped having sex with my former H when he became a fall down drunk.

 

It was degrading. He'd fall asleep DURING, he couldn't maintain necessary parts to continue, he was sloppy and smelled God-awful, sometimes rough and occasionally deaf - as in, he never heard me say "no thank you I'm not interested" and forced me anyway, whether I was crying or not. And never remembered it, either.

 

So when I caught him with another girl, she told me he said we were just roommates for the last 4 months or so.

 

Not necessarily your situation at all. I just know that there's often layers to a story and a man (or a woman) telling someone ELSE that they live with their spouse as roomies could be much more, and the reason isn't always a lack of desire on anyone's part.

 

He should have left me if he wanted someone who would willingly and forever have sex with a drunk. But I think if two sober people can sit in a room and one has decided that sex is forever off the table, that person should be ready for their spouse to walk away and find someone who still wants to have sex.

 

Or make love. It's sad, when someone takes that part of love away.

Edited December 26, 2014 by EverySunset

[autumnnight]

If your spouse unilaterally decides that sex is over, then I think the first action is to try to do everything possible to get to the bottom of it, try to convince him or her to go to counseling. Yes, look at your own behavior and try to be the best spouse you can be.

 

Once that has been done and nothing changes, then I think the options are clear:

 

1. Suck it up and shut down an entire part of yourself - it may be noble in some cases but will probably be horribly painful and resentment will be a given

2. End the marriage - this will be painful and will affect various people and you will get judged for it, but maybe you can have an actual marriage to someone else

3. Disregard your values and cheat - this is a deceitful and hurtful choice, it basically wrecks your character, and any legitimate grievance you had about your marriage goes out the window. This is the worst, most wrong, and dumbest of all the choices. It won't fix anything and you have forever lost any leg you ever had to stand on permanently.

 

No matter how horrible and unfair and selfish your spouse is, do NOT cheat.

[scatterd]

Not always is it just the partner does not want sex some have health problems. I say when your invested you have compassion on the situation. As far as cheating if you need to do that who really has the problem. You don't give up on your life time love Unless its over lack of not loving the person. I can think of bigger reasons to divorce. As far as living as roommates would probably be a bigger problem.

Edited December 27, 2014 by scatterd

[autumnnight]

Not always is it just the partner does not want sex some have health problems. I say when your invested you have compassion on the situation. As far as cheating if you need to do that who really has the problem. Youdon't give up on your life time love Unless its over lack of not loving the person. I can think of bigger reasons to divorce.

 

Having a health problem that precludes sex is different to me. That is part of the "in sickness and in health" vow to me. But someone who says "You and your needs and our marital intimacy are not important to me. I don't care. I quit" has essentially spit on and left the marriage, and that IS a big enough reason to divorce in my opinion. They have sexually betrayed the marriage just as tangibly as if they had cheated.

[scatterd]

I would have to agree that if the partner did not care about their needs. It would be time to do something about it.

[HurtHusband]

I went without sex for 3 years with my wife. I desperately wanted it, but she would never do it. There were always excuses, too tired, the kids are awake, headache..kissing and me relieving myself is enough she said. She made me feel weird for actually wanting a sexual relationship with her..I knew this can't be right.

 

She just did not want to do it with me. I didn't have an affair. I thought about it, but I respect our marriage and just had to accept the situation.

 

So, it was a huge shock when she confessed to having an affair and it was even worse, she was pregnant.

 

The trouble now is, I could have accepted no sex. I could endure that for the sake of our family. But her having an affair and the aftermath has just devastated me...after this nothing would surprise me, I am genuinely worried about the future and don't see how we can have a future. There is no counseling, she is happy being roommates and does not want to change, also she has told me she doesn't care if I have affairs and that I can basically do what I like...( I think this could be her way of reducing her guilt, she had an affair and may have more and she encourages me to have one now) I won't have an affair. I need to keep my head straight, not complicate my life. If she has another affair she is a fool. And I won't accept it...I can't believe the stupidity of some people and how they don't think about the consequences of their actions.. We have two small children.

[road]

I went without sex for 3 years with my wife. I desperately wanted it, but she would never do it. There were always excuses, too tired, the kids are awake, headache..kissing and me relieving myself is enough she said. She made me feel weird for actually wanting a sexual relationship with her..I knew this can't be right.

 

She just did not want to do it with me. I didn't have an affair. I thought about it, but I respect our marriage and just had to accept the situation.

 

So, it was a huge shock when she confessed to having an affair and it was even worse, she was pregnant.

 

The trouble now is, I could have accepted no sex. I could endure that for the sake of our family. But her having an affair and the aftermath has just devastated me...after this nothing would surprise me, I am genuinely worried about the future and don't see how we can have a future. There is no counseling, she is happy being roommates and does not want to change, also she has told me she doesn't care if I have affairs and that I can basically do what I like...( I think this could be her way of reducing her guilt, she had an affair and may have more and she encourages me to have one now) I won't have an affair. I need to keep my head straight, not complicate my life. If she has another affair she is a fool. And I won't accept it...I can't believe the stupidity of some people and how they don't think about the consequences of their actions.. We have two small children.

 

 

 

I would find it hard to raise an OC. How are you handling it?

[HurtHusband]

OC? Other mans child?? I am not raising an OC. I told her I could'nt do it. That I would walk away. I would hate to be forever tied to her affair partner and have him in our family. At first she would, than she said the child is innocent and can we raise it, and than she decided to have the abortion. It did not phase her, I thought it would have an effect on her but no, she is her usual self. . Kind of shocking to be really...I had to collect her in the car afterwards and sign the damn papers. You can only imagine how humiliated I felt, I felt like strangling her..

[harrybrown]

You will not find peace with your WW.

 

See if she will leave you and the kids and go have her fun someplace else.

[HurtHusband]

Yup, I know that Harry. Long term it's not looking too good. It's not sustainable. I think it will happen again. You can read my story in the thread I posted..

[road]

OC? Other mans child?? I am not raising an OC. I told her I could'nt do it. That I would walk away. I would hate to be forever tied to her affair partner and have him in our family. At first she would, than she said the child is innocent and can we raise it, and than she decided to have the abortion. It did not phase her, I thought it would have an effect on her but no, she is her usual self. . Kind of shocking to be really...I had to collect her in the car afterwards and sign the damn papers. You can only imagine how humiliated I felt, I felt like strangling her..

 

 

 

I do not think I could raise an OC as well.

 

 

Though I also could not take part with a WW murdering her unborn child.

I'd rather kill (divorce) the marriage instead.

 

 

I will not be surprised if she does not have issues years later from do that.

[road]

You will not find peace with your WW.

 

See if she will leave you and the kids and go have her fun someplace else.

 

 

 

That's sound advice after getting his WW to kill her unborn child then to change his mind and tell her to leave now.

[spanz1]

I went without sex for 3 years with my wife. I desperately wanted it, but she would never do it. There were always excuses, too tired, the kids are awake, headache..kissing and me relieving myself is enough she said. She made me feel weird for actually wanting a sexual relationship with her..I knew this can't be right.

 

She just did not want to do it with me. I didn't have an affair. I thought about it, but I respect our marriage and just had to accept the situation.

 

So, it was a huge shock when she confessed to having an affair and it was even worse, she was pregnant.

.

 

sorry man for your pain.

 

 

but here is an excellent example of what happens to the innocent receiver of a sexless marriage. there is ALWAYS a reason. the one getting no joy should ferret out what it is.

 

 

but if you are just roommates...well roommates date other people. a roommate is just someone who splits the housing and food bill. If the "marriage" has truly degenerated to that point, the two have to sit down, acknowledge that, and the one getting no sex has to spell out in no uncertain words that he is going outside the marriage for sex. then do it.

 

 

That will either get a hall pass, a slap upside the refuser's head and they actually change their ways, or a divorce.

 

 

Don't cheat. don't lie about it. don't sulk and become a monk. tell the spouse you have had enough and need sex....just like any NORMAL person would.

[oldshirt]

 

 

but if you are just roommates...well roommates date other people. a roommate is just someone who splits the housing and food bill. If the "marriage" has truly degenerated to that point, the two have to sit down, acknowledge that, and the one getting no sex has to spell out in no uncertain words that he is going outside the marriage for sex. then do it.

 

 

That will either get a hall pass, a slap upside the refuser's head and they actually change their ways, or a divorce.

 

 

Don't cheat. don't lie about it. don't sulk and become a monk. tell the spouse you have had enough and need sex....just like any NORMAL person would.

 

Yup this ^^^^^^

 

it's ok to just be roommates if that is what both parties truly want and agree to. But if one wants to have a full-service relationship then they need to pursue that and make it happen.

 

.....with or without the other party.

 

 

The other party that just wants to be roommates can then decide if they want to step up to the plate and work on it, or get left behind.

[HurtHusband]

Look' I didn't 'get' my wife to have an abortion!! First of all she sat me down, confessed to having a fling with my friend and than to top it off told me she was pregnant and would have an abortion. I was doubled up on the sofa like a man who just got kicked in the balls...

 

About two weeks later..she said she was abit scared...and that the child is innocent etc. Thats true, but I said, do what you want, I just won't be paying for the child or raising it. I will walk away..the OM is married with a son, he can't even pay for his own family. He also has two kids from a previous relationship in another country that he never sees.

 

I'm catholic, talk about abortions etc. did not sit well with me. I was really angry and upset to be put in such a position by my wife's stupid reckless actions.

 

My wife has said several times ' if you want intimacy etc.' look elsewhere, go off and do it, find a woman, I don't care, I only care that you make money and pay for he kids tuition" those were her actual words.

 

I don't want to complicate my life by having an affair. You could also interpret the above statement as " I already had one affair and will probably have more, so to make me feel less guilty, you can now do the same"

 

I will be there for the kids, and put my time and energy into work or starting a small business. I can go for a ' rub and tug' every once in a while whenever I can't take any more and need to feel close to a woman for 90 mins.

 

Ideally I would like to get custody of my kids, than she can see them every day if she wants and live her own life....I am tired of being jerked around, disrespected and being her lapdog...I have had the threats of losing the kids ' Your life will change forever! ' ( Yeah..for the better, you selfish whore! ) or 'I'll divorce you! ' ( yup fingers crossed in 2015 as soon as we get out of this country)

 

.you see afew years ago when I first heard the 'I'll divorce you' threat it really made alarm bells go off in my head. Things changed at that point, relationship changed, instead of being equal partners who talked and fixed things together, it became ( if you ever stress me too much, I will just throw you out! Sort of like a bad boss threatening to fire you.) I realized then that she can't truly love me, and that this is not a fair marriage by any stretch, she is just using me to bet what she wants. Now marriage is a contract and of course I provide for the family, and I have absolutely no problem with that. But I do have a problem with her behavior, with her affair, cheating, attitude etc. that's totally out of order and that's certainly not ok.

Edited December 30, 2014 by HurtHusband

[Sassy Girl]

I have read several threads where the Wife or SO...just stops having sex or it becomes such an issue the the H or BF just quits asking and soon finds themselves in the position of a Roommate arrangement with little or no sex or intimacy....

 

A great deal of the time they (The W or GF) is involved in a A...for those who are NOT..AS a H or BF..is this grounds for a D or to call it quits....

 

I know im going to hear from wives that they have begged their Hs for sex or intimacy..and they have stopped any relations with the W or GF....

 

If you are a wife in this position i would love to hear if this is the case in YOUR marriage or relationship if you feel it is ok to have a A if you are in this position..

 

This thread is not looking for Condemnation ...just solid answers...

 

Im the wife who has asked for more and didnt get it. I tried every way possible to broach not only the lack if intimacy but also the ED issues. I then asked for an open marriage. I then told him (in an angry state) Ill go find someone who is willing (he laughed at me and wished me luck).

 

Do i think its 'OK' to have an affair? No. Affairs are wrong and hurt people. Do I feel like I had a bunch of great options? No.

 

Did I take an 'easy' option in having an affair? Dont know. Define easy.

 

However, if my actions came to light, should my husband be surprised? No. No he really shouldn't. And he knows why.

[road]

Im the wife who has asked for more and didnt get it. I tried every way possible to broach not only the lack if intimacy but also the ED issues. I then asked for an open marriage. I then told him (in an angry state) Ill go find someone who is willing (he laughed at me and wished me luck).

 

Do i think its 'OK' to have an affair? No. Affairs are wrong and hurt people. Do I feel like I had a bunch of great options? No.

 

Did I take an 'easy' option in having an affair? Dont know. Define easy.

 

However, if my actions came to light, should my husband be surprised? No. No he really shouldn't. And he knows why.

 

 

 

Yes you had three worthwhile options. Divorce. Not cheat. Divorce before you dated OM.

 

 

Time to pay the band you danced. Your BH deserves the truth. You are making him live a life that is a lie.