Any Chance I can get her back?

[dravas18]

I just joined this site, there is a lot of good stuff on here.

 

Little background on me, I firmly believe you cannot be friends with your exs, and that no contact is the best way to get over someone, I have felt that way for years, so glad to see I was right in that regard.

 

Please read my story and if you have any comments, advice, or can answer my questions, it is really, really appreciated:

 

This girl lives on facebook, which I feel facebook is pure evil.

 

We met at the end of May of this year at a party of a mutual friend. Things were good, she seems really into me, talked about me to everyone, and I liked her, but for some strange reason I didn't put in a lot of extra effort, which is not like me to do that in a relationship. We are both in our 30s, no kids, so it seemed like a good match, even though she did break up with someone else recently - I later found out it was toxic for her so she never spoke well of that guy.

 

She was the nicest girl, I never had someone treat me the way she did. She hated cheaters and liars, and I was honest with her about everything. We had a really great connection, we were good to one another and spoke every night, never lying or cheating on each other, no drama - and we never fought once in the 4 months we dated. We spent a lot of time together, saw each other almost every day - and if we didn't see each other we spoke on facetime.

 

She had a ex-boyfriend, whom she dated 6 years ago but was still really good friends with, die near the end of September. He lived in New Jersey, and since we are in Metro Detroit it wasn't a factor if she spoke to him (I never met him or ever saw her talk to him once). I found out the night we broke up that she was devastated to the point she became depressed over it. So Obviously she was harboring feelings for this guy for the past 6 years.

 

We broke up in October, decent break -up, no drama, she initiated it but I told her we didn't love each other. At the time she wanted to date me, which I said no, I wanted to move forward not backwards in a relationship. She wanted to also remain friends, which I said no, I couldn't handle seeing her in any setting while I still wanted more. She un-relationships us on facebook that night, I unfriend her.

 

We texted a month later in early November because she wanted to know if I was ready to be her friend, this didn't go very well, no swearing, but she called me immature and I had rejection issues because I wouldn't be her friend. I tried to explain why, but she wasn't interested. She blocks me on facebook (we were not facebook friends at this time so no idea why she did that)

 

I started to miss her about a week later, and I cannot explain why, as of now I miss her uncontrollably. I do not know why, I have no explanation for it, I was doing fine - but it is the reason I joined this site for advice.

 

I start to talk more about her to people, and I basically came to the realization that I never felt 4 months was enough time to see if we could fall in love. I would like another shot, and I wanted to actually put in the effort this time, and really try.

 

So I text her a few weeks ago, around the 13th of Dec, Our mutual friend tells me she doesn't want to talk to me, she gave me a chance to be friends but now it is too little too late, and she doesn't want to repeat herself. She did not know what I wanted to talk to her about, our mutual friend did not know what I was going to say. On the 22nd I text her again, no response. Our mutual friend, who is more my friend than hers, asks her why, and this is the response: "I am over the whole situation so I'm just not interested in talking to him one-on-one anymore" (then she deletes all my family from her facebook friends)

 

So I write her an email and send it on the 23rd, 3 days ago. My email was nice and heartfelt, no finger pointing, I told her things I could do better and I want to give us another shot. I did make it clear I still cannot be friends with her because I couldn't handle seeing her with someone else. I know this email was a mistake, probably a horrible move on my part. I know in the dating game - doing this is a big no-no, but we didn't play games with each other, I don't care about games, I did it because I was hurting and feel doing things from the heart is the best way. Right or wrong in the dating world, that is just how I am.

 

This was her response:

"I appreciate your email, I appreciate how you feel, I appreciate that you think you may need to change some things, but ignoring me for two months wasn't a great way to handle it, not being my friend, not being an adult was not a good way of handling it.

 

I wasn't leaving you to be with someone else so that wasn't the issue at all.

 

I just prefer to be alone right now and focus on what's really important which is finishing school and my career and my own health I'm sure you understand."

 

My reply:

I'm not perfect and make mistakes, I am here if you ever want to talk. (I left the ball in her court)

 

Christmas day, yesterday, every picture of me and her, even though I am blocked, vanished out of my facebook. I find out she deletes every photo that reminds her of me.

 

So here is where I stand now, and my questions:

 

I realize she is cutting me out of her life completely, and I have a better chance of being attacked by a shark while at the same time being struck by lightning than I do of getting her back.

 

Does anyone think I can get her back?

 

Why, if her being friends was so important, does she now want nothing to do with me?

Why is she acting like our break-up was worse than it was?

 

My plan is to leave her alone, some people have said contact her in a week, others in a month, others said not at all.

 

Advice?

 

I do want her back, and would like another shot, but again, I am not optimistic, and unfortunately for me you cannot control who you love.

 

Any and all help is appreciated, thank you for taking the time to read this.

[dumbass2]

You've done what you feel you need to do. Do not have any regrets on what you did. She knows where you are at. You have made it clear. There is absolutely nothing else you can do in regards to her except piss her off for good by continuing to contact her. Her actions are clearly telling you it is over and she does not what you in her life and getting back together is at 0% and you should not even be thinking about this at this point. She is being clear with you. She wants space. Give it to her and go NC and work on moving forward.

 

Does anyone think I can get her back? NO, right now there is nothing you can do. You cannot force things to happen. It has to be a two way street.

 

Why, if her being friends was so important, does she now want nothing to do with me? You told her what you wanted and she couldn't give you that. She felt she could give you friends, but you turned that down twice and I don't blame you. You just need time away from each other right now.

Why is she acting like our break-up was worse than it was? There is no such thing as a nice break up. A lot of time non confrontational ones mean there are things being kept inside and maybe the break up is not as truthful. It usually leaves a lot more questions, at least on the side of the dumper. You said you guys never argued. A lot of arguing isn't a good thing, but no arguing at all is not good. It means more often then not that some feelings are being repressed. No two people just get along perfectly.

Edited December 26, 2014 by dumbass2

[dravas18]

Does anyone think I can get her back? NO, right now there is nothing you can do. You cannot force things to happen. It has to be a two way street.

 

I agree. Some people said try because females like to be wanted and chased, I feel that you can only do that so long before you look desperate and they lose respect for you. She has to give in somewhere. Hard to decide sometimes but....

 

no arguing at all is not good. It means more often then not that some feelings are being repressed. No two people just get along perfectly.

 

I agree, she never brought up any issues she had with me, nor did I bring up any I had with her. Again which is why it broke down, and I would like another chance, but as I said - I don't see it happening.

[lolablue17]

She is dishonest with you and also very selfish.

 

Selfish - Because she didn't think even for a minute about YOUR feelings and pain when she broke up with you. She thought only about herself wanting you to serve only her own interests and neglect yours.

 

And when you dared to consider your feelings too, she says: "not being an adult was not a good way of handling it". For her being a adult is being a doormat.

 

Dishonest - Because she says: "I wasn't leaving you to be with someone else so that wasn't the issue at all". Well, She didn't promise you not to be with someone else. In fact she promised you nothing, and yet she twists the truth as if you you could be sure that she wouldn't end up with someone else while you're around.

 

I'd answer her -

 

"Considering your selfishness, and the fact that you think only about yourself + considering your dishonesty and hypocrisy by making a deliberate obfuscation - You never promised me to keep me from being hurt, you never promised me not to be with someone else while I'm around, hurt and suffering", Considering all that, I positive i made the right decision to be in NC with you because you can't be trusted.

 

Don't you ever dare lecturing me about being adult, after this immature behavior of yours. The way you wrote me is not a good way how ADULTS handle things".

 

WOW!! I hate people being so prude.

Edited December 26, 2014 by lolablue17

[dravas18]

She is dishonest with you and also very selfish. And when you dared to consider your feelings too, she says: "not being an adult was not a good way of handling it". For her being a adult is being a doormat.

 

This was an issue I had with her, but when trying to get someone back, that - in my opinion, is a discussion for another time.

 

A major issue is trying to figure out how I am considered immature in her mind - when I am looking at how I feel. I take it as she refuses to look at things from another point of view, but again not a subject to bring up when you try to win someone back. I would look at it from her point of view if I could make any sense of of it, but I cannot.... I flat out don't understand her point of view, and I am guessing she is saying that due to my so called immaturity, shes can't be with someone like that. Communication breakdown...

 

If you want more, you cannot be friends with that person. If overall the relationship fizzles out on both ends yes it is possible, but that is a rare occurrence. My belief is all or nothing, and as much as it hurt or I hate the feeling of wanting someone, I will not budge.

 

 

- Because she says: "I wasn't leaving you to be with someone else so that wasn't the issue at all". Well, She didn't promise you not to be with someone else. In fact she promised you nothing, and yet she twists the truth as if you you could be sure that she wouldn't end up with someone else while you're around.

 

I'd answer her -

 

"Considering your selfishness, and the fact that you think only about yourself + considering your dishonesty and hypocrisy by making a deliberate obfuscation - You never promised me to keep me from being hurt, you never promised me not to be with someone else while I'm around, hurt and suffering", Considering all that, I positive i made the right decision to be in NC with you because you can't be trusted.

 

Don't you ever dare lecturing me about being adult, after this immature behavior of yours. The way you wrote me is not a good way how ADULTS handle things".

 

WOW!! I hate people being so prude.

 

I feel dumb, I am not perfect, but I am logical and smart enough to know this is not the right person for me. Doesn't help the fact I want her back. 6 months from now I will hate myself for knowing this, but for now I am screwed.

[lolablue17]

I think she is very easy to understand. She likes you and wants you as a friend and probably sometimes needed you as a friend but you didn't reply.

 

She is thinking...: "Why can't you just be normal and cooperate with my needs?? Aha! Because You're doing such a big deal about your feelings... Oh, come on!! I just dumped you, but I still wants you as a friend so you should be happy and feel blessed!

 

Instead of thanking god, for the fact that someone wonderful like me wants you as a friend, You're busy with immature stuff like jealousy. Only babies say think like "everything or nothing".

 

That's how she thinks...

 

Now. I totally disagree about how do you have someone back. To have someone back you can still grow balls and be very strong and consistent about your needs.

 

If she wants you back with your way, she will dump you again very soon. Girls like her wants the good guys to be their "just friends", and the bad guys to be their boyfriends.

[Satu]

I do want her back, and would like another shot, but again, I am not optimistic, and unfortunately for me you cannot control who you love.

 

 

I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think that the relationship can be salvaged. She seems to be absolutely against that.

 

I disagree 100% about your statement that, "you cannot control who you love."

 

A decision is made about who we love, but in most cases that decision is made in the subconscious mind. That is why you think it can't be controlled.

 

That is where you made your decision - in your subconscious.

 

That decision to love is called 'Cathexis'.

 

As we grow, much that has been unconscious becomes conscious.

[dravas18]

From the death of that one boyfriend, I am thinking she had a pure emotional shut down.

 

So when I get things like "I'm just over the whole situation out of sight out of mind type a deal" or "I am just in a completely different place right now"

 

That means she doesn't want to think about me at all, doesn't want to deal with any of it. She will focus on her job, school, etc. until she is out of her funk, and when she does start dating again, it will not be with me.

 

Am I wrong to assume this?

[Satu]

From the death of that one boyfriend, I am thinking she had a pure emotional shut down.

 

So when I get things like "I'm just over the whole situation out of sight out of mind type a deal" or "I am just in a completely different place right now"

 

That means she doesn't want to think about me at all, doesn't want to deal with any of it. She will focus on her job, school, etc. until she is out of her funk, and when she does start dating again, it will not be with me.

 

Am I wrong to assume this?

 

"I appreciate your email, I appreciate how you feel, I appreciate that you think you may need to change some things, but ignoring me for two months wasn't a great way to handle it, not being my friend, not being an adult was not a good way of handling it.

 

I wasn't leaving you to be with someone else so that wasn't the issue at all.

 

I just prefer to be alone right now and focus on what's really important which is finishing school and my career and my own health I'm sure you understand."