Questionable Affairs of Your WS - Who are they truly

[jm2013]

If your spouse had an affair have you gone through the memory bank to try and pin point specific times in your relationship/marriage for other potential affairs? I was talking to my counselor the other day about this and came to a couple very real instances where my wife could have cheated that long ago. I'm not certain but there were a couple of red flags from years back I do remember. Those were times I was in my security blanket. Now that I'm out of that I can't prove she did one way or another. I know she'd tell me no but it would be interesting to know if she really did or not. Have any of you ever thought about your relationship history? If your SO had the ability to cheat perhaps they've been cheating all along through the entire relationship. I know this thinking might be similar to a "conspiracy theorist" but it does make you wonder.

 

At least in my case there were some issues that I recently thought about. Years ago my wife admitted to me while we were living in our apartment years ago that she pretty much tried to have a self inflicted abortion. She never told me she was pregnant right away but later did tell me she gut punched herself and continued her pill cycle to try and terminate a pregnancy. Mind you we were engaged. Could she have been impregnated by another man's child? Could this have triggered anger and self disgust? She told me a few months after this allegedly happened. I remember thinking she was a complete lunatic at the time and got extremely mad at her. This event kind of passed by so to speak and just went away and never spoken about again.

 

Second, I remember when we were first dating. She had a "guy" friend who was married who she went to visit here and there. She passed it off like they were casual friends from college. I later found out this guy wanted her and had even asked her to be with him and he'd leave his wife etc. Knowing how giving in my wife is I almost wonder if the guys that do apply just a little bit of pressure can easily persuade her to have sex. She is extremely terrified to hurt people's feelings. I was almost sick to my stomach in that session just wondering.

Edited December 26, 2014 by jm2013

[Davey L]

Indeed yes. With the benefit of hindsight I think there were two other affairs my wife had. I'm fairly sure of them; maybe 70-90% sure. I cannot now believe how blind and gullible I was at the time. It's a long time ago now and I don't suppose I will ever know for sure.

[road]

If your spouse had an affair have you gone through the memory bank to try and pin point specific times in your relationship/marriage for other potential affairs? I was talking to my counselor the other day about this and came to a couple very real instances where my wife could have cheated that long ago. I'm not certain but there were a couple of red flags from years back I do remember. Those were times I was in my security blanket. Now that I'm out of that I can't prove she did one way or another. I know she'd tell me no but it would be interesting to know if she really did or not. Have any of you ever thought about your relationship history? If your SO had the ability to cheat perhaps they've been cheating all along through the entire relationship. I know this thinking might be similar to a "conspiracy theorist" but it does make you wonder.

 

At least in my case there were some issues that I recently thought about. Years ago my wife admitted to me while we were living in our apartment years ago that she pretty much tried to have a self inflicted abortion. She never told me she was pregnant right away but later did tell me she gut punched herself and continued her pill cycle to try and terminate a pregnancy. Mind you we were engaged. Could she have been impregnated by another man's child? Could this have triggered anger and self disgust? She told me a few months after this allegedly happened. I remember thinking she was a complete lunatic at the time and got extremely mad at her. This event kind of passed by so to speak and just went away and never spoken about again.

 

Second, I remember when we were first dating. She had a "guy" friend who was married who she went to visit here and there. She passed it off like they were casual friends from college. I later found out this guy wanted her and had even asked her to be with him and he'd leave his wife etc. Knowing how giving in my wife is I almost wonder if the guys that do apply just a little bit of pressure can easily persuade her to have sex. She is extremely terrified to hurt people's feelings. I was almost sick to my stomach in that session just wondering.

 

 

 

 

I'd say she was cheating way back when from what you wrote. Why terminate a pregnancy when the man that knocked her up was the fiancé? All she had to do was tell you then move the wedding date up.

[Janesays]

Take her to take a polygraph. Mystery solved.

[jm2013]

Take her to take a polygraph. Mystery solved.

 

To be honest, I'm not even sure I want to waste the money now lol.

[jm2013]

Indeed yes. With the benefit of hindsight I think there were two other affairs my wife had. I'm fairly sure of them; maybe 70-90% sure. I cannot now believe how blind and gullible I was at the time. It's a long time ago now and I don't suppose I will ever know for sure.

 

How did you come to 70-90%? I have no evidence. I can only look at the history and guess. So disgusting.

[lolablue17]

How did you come to 70-90%? I have no evidence. I can only look at the history and guess. So disgusting.

 

This is one of the sacrifices you must make if you choose to stay with a cheater. You will never know the truth, and from now on everything in the past could be interpreted as cheating.

 

It's always 50-50%. A coin toss will give you the same results. actually, a coin will do a better job because at least a coin has no motive to twist the reality.

Edited December 26, 2014 by lolablue17

[BetrayedH]

Yeah, I can relate.

 

There was a guy my wife was "friends" with during HS and their families were close. I always suspected that she had done some fooling around with him back before we met but she always insisted that they'd only been friends. But I was always a but suspicious of him. I have my ex blocked on FB but I recently saw (via someone else's post) that they were out together and the kids have been bringing up his name lately.

 

I suspect that he was probably a FWB, probably before my marriage and throughout.

[badkarma2013]

Yeah, I can relate.

 

There was a guy my wife was "friends" with during HS and their families were close. I always suspected that she had done some fooling around with him back before we met but she always insisted that they'd only been friends. But I was always a but suspicious of him. I have my ex blocked on FB but I recently saw (via someone else's post) that they were out together and the kids have been bringing up his name lately.

 

I suspect that he was probably a FWB, probably before my marriage and throughout.

*****************************************************************

I think what is not being said is...You can Never out do the OM/OW..One cannot Compete with a FANTASY.....AS a BH or BW we will NEVER KNOW what the WS was thinking ..what they REALLY felt when they were with the AP...when they had sex ..the pet names they had or if they really loved them...You will never ever know..AND WE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...EVER

[flowergirl14]

I too have looked back and tried to pinpoint when his bad behavior started and if there were other potential affairs. Do i think there were others ..definately. I was not a spouse that had suspicions over the years. Rather I was blindsided when I learned of one of his affairs. No admission of other affairs has been given. No surprise. However, its quite a shock when you come to realize who the f**k did I marry?

[DKT3]

Funny how an affair can totally change how you viewed the history of the relationship.

 

I think there may have been once in college where she lied about where she was went missing for a couple hours then avoided me for the rest of the weekend. In my ego driven 20 year old mind I only allowed myself to think she was hanging out with a girlfriend that tried to break us up. She never believe her "friend" would do that, but had agreed to no longer hang out with her.

 

The reason that the affair changed how I viewed that event is because she acted the same way then as she did during her affair. Distant, avoiding me, quite (very unsual for her).

 

She has since admitted that she was set up on a double date by that "friend" and just went along as a sort of wingman. She admitted she was attracted to the guy and that he tried kissed her before she pushed him off while slow dancing. I'm pretty sure that she was honest about it, but I will never be 100% sure. She never hung out with that "friend" again. But that isn't a clue one way or the other. Could have been because she did stuff with that guy and the friend knew about it or she finally saw she was truely a cancer towards our relationship and cut her off. Who knows right?

 

This stuff can consume you if you let it.

Edited December 29, 2014 by DKT3

[Appreciate]

I bet she kissed him. Maybe more.

 

My XW confessed to a second affair while we were separating due to her big affair. She slept with someone (a married man) whom at the time she claimed had tried to kiss her but she resisted. She had told me about the kiss attempt while we were in a long distance relationship. And I believed her. Turns out she was lying.

 

Remember it's hard for us to fathom the depths to which cheaters will lie. Their main interest is in protecting themselves.

[HurtHusband]

The best way to 'get over' a woman is to get under another one...

[road]

Funny how an affair can totally change how you viewed the history of the relationship.

 

I think there may have been once in college where she lied about where she was went missing for a couple hours then avoided me for the rest of the weekend. In my ego driven 20 year old mind I only allowed myself to think she was hanging out with a girlfriend that tried to break us up. She never believe her "friend" would do that, but had agreed to no longer hang out with her.

 

The reason that the affair changed how I viewed that event is because she acted the same way then as she did during her affair. Distant, avoiding me, quite (very unsual for her).

 

She has since admitted that she was set up on a double date by that "friend" and just went along as a sort of wingman. She admitted she was attracted to the guy and that he tried kissed her before she pushed him off while slow dancing. I'm pretty sure that she was honest about it, but I will never be 100% sure. She never hung out with that "friend" again. But that isn't a clue one way or the other. Could have been because she did stuff with that guy and the friend knew about it or she finally saw she was truely a cancer towards our relationship and cut her off. Who knows right?

 

This stuff can consume you if you let it.

 

 

 

Sounds like her confession is just another round of trickle truth damage control. Confess to something safe so you will feel better.

[Rainbowlove]

As the WS, I have reviewed my past tendencies and the "potential" affairs I could have had, but I never acted on those opportunities that were presented to me throughout the years.

 

Why didn't I act then, but I did with my AP? Why was I able to draw the line all those years, but for this one woman (my AP) I didn't draw the line? Instead, I walked right into my affair. I was unable to make better choices to prevent it and a whole lot of hurt for everyone. Why?

 

I have answered those questions for myself.

 

I think it's normal to process everything...every step ever taken...every crossed line or potential crossed line.

 

Reviewing what was and what is now is healthy. We need to see where we failed in the past to see the present more clearly.

 

Hopefully, your wife is looking for deeper answers too.

[jm2013]

You know, I've thought about this all. I could have easily had my own affair(s) through the course of my marriage. I did not because I set boundaries no matter how pissed off or displeased I was with her. I was in it for the long haul. That's what marriage is right? It has its ups and downs that you just work through. I should have known better. I married a person who is completely insecure about herself and soaks in the attention from other people. I'm not even sure if this changed for her or what. I don't really know. We rarely discuss her affair anymore and the only time we do is in counseling.

[DKT3]

Sounds like her confession is just another round of trickle truth damage control. Confess to something safe so you will feel better.

 

She has been honest about other things that were pretty bad. But, again I say I will never know 100%. Without the broken trust I'm not sure I would have ever remembered that weekend from all those years ago. So who knows. I will say this, she knows what it would mean if there is more and it comes out. I gave her a chance, a sort of hall pass on anything else. More=THE END at this point.

[jm2013]

She has been honest about other things that were pretty bad. But, again I say I will never know 100%. Without the broken trust I'm not sure I would have ever remembered that weekend from all those years ago. So who knows. I will say this, she knows what it would mean if there is more and it comes out. I gave her a chance, a sort of hall pass on anything else. More=THE END at this point.

 

So if your wife confessed to something else that happened years about you would end things now?

[DKT3]

So if your wife confessed to something else that happened years about you would end things now?

 

Absolutely. She was given the chance to tell me everything. I told her then any thing comes out after that would be the end.

 

It would mean that after the divorce and time apart she would have learned nothing.

[Bryanp]

A married man who she visited numerous times tells her that he is willing to leave his wife to be with her tells you plenty. I seriously doubt a man would say this unless they have been having sex. Would you wife believe this if the roles were reversed?

 

1. Get tested for STD's

2. See a lawyer