Breaking point as an OW/OM?

[GoldieLox]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I've been lurking for almost a year. I've read some excellent advice in that time, but I feel it's finally time to post and share my story and hopefully start heeding some of that advice. I'm going to try and keep this as straight forward as I possibly can.

 

I began seeing MM about 8 months ago. I've been married for 3 years. There's a 15 year age difference between us. We work for different companies, but I am contracted out to work in his building. We've known each other for two years and always been friendly, but around a year ago my marriage started hitting some problems. Everybody could clearly see it written on my face at work. About this time, MM started making comments about my looks and talking to me more. I naively brushed it off, because I thought "well, he's married with kids... he'd never do such a thing!" and to be frank, never in a million years did I think I would either. I just genuinely wanted a friendship with him. He's an incredibly smart person and I stand to learn a lot from him as far as moving my way up in the company, he's a wealth of knowledge and very well respected. Anyway, he'd make comments about taking me out lunch, etc. This whole time, I'm thinking he just actually wants to be my friend. (I'm not as young/stupid as I'm coming off, I swear- I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see- a friendship forming). As time I went on, I did begin to realize I was attracted to him, but in my little bubble, married men don't cheat on their wives, and I'm certainly not the one they do it with. Needless to say, we never did make it out to lunch or anything like that. I ignored my attraction, he kept making his comments and engaging me in conversation, and that was that for a few months. One day I was walking down the hallway and he motioned for me to come into the empty conference room with him, and he kissed me. I almost passed out from surprise, but nonetheless, I continued. Hindsight is everything and I should've pushed him away, but I didn't. Thus began the physical affair, and we've been sporadically sleeping with each other ever since. Neither of our spouses have any idea (you can lecture me if you'd like, I will gladly take it, but it's really nothing I haven't called or said to myself already, believe me). Incase anyone is wondering, yes, the guilt is eating me alive. My marriage certainly has it's issues, but it's not dead-on-arrival. I also feel guilt for this woman I am betraying whom I have never met. Contrary to belief, I'm not soulless.

 

Eight months have gone by. For a while, the comments continued, and he continued to engage me in conversation. For the past few months, all of that has for the most part stopped. He sees me, gets what he wants, and pretty much says he has to go. We do not communicate at all outside of work. No texting, no emailing, nothing. He always says he can't get caught and lose his kids (I do have reason to believe he's not totally happy in his marriage, but that's really not my business or problem). You know how everyone always says the other woman is second? Forget that, I'm dead last. I've come out of my "fog" (it f**king took me long enough?) and realized this is nothing but a use job. I'm literally the work booty call of a married man. Don't get me wrong- neither one of us ever had expectations of leaving our spouses. It wasn't like that. I don't love him, don't want to date him, don't want to marry him. Technically I knew what I was getting myself into when I continued this, but I guess I feel hurt because I didn't expect to be used like this. I thought things would continue the way they had been, and he'd continue being my work friend. I've reached a breaking point now where I want to end this. MM doesn't even have the decency to attempt to be my friend (then again, why would he? I'm sleeping with him, that's all he needs). I'm sick of being used and I feel like a fool for doing this in the first place, not only to myself but to my husband.

 

My question to you fine folks is, what was your breaking point? What finally made you so mad, angry, sad, miserable, whatever, that you ended it? I know I need to for the sake of myself and my marriage. I need to just make the words come out of my mouth. MM isn't getting a reason. I just want to look at him, say "no more", and walk away. He doesn't deserve a reason as far as I'm concerned. I need some words of wisdom, because I'm drowning. They can be good, bad, scolding, calling me a naive idiot, anything. I just need something.

[jbrent890]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I've been lurking for almost a year. I've read some excellent advice in that time, but I feel it's finally time to post and share my story and hopefully start heeding some of that advice. I'm going to try and keep this as straight forward as I possibly can.

 

I began seeing MM about 8 months ago. I've been married for 3 years. There's a 15 year age difference between us. We work for different companies, but I am contracted out to work in his building. We've known each other for two years and always been friendly, but around a year ago my marriage started hitting some problems. Everybody could clearly see it written on my face at work. About this time, MM started making comments about my looks and talking to me more. I naively brushed it off, because I thought "well, he's married with kids... he'd never do such a thing!" and to be frank, never in a million years did I think I would either. I just genuinely wanted a friendship with him. He's an incredibly smart person and I stand to learn a lot from him as far as moving my way up in the company, he's a wealth of knowledge and very well respected. Anyway, he'd make comments about taking me out lunch, etc. This whole time, I'm thinking he just actually wants to be my friend. (I'm not as young/stupid as I'm coming off, I swear- I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see- a friendship forming). As time I went on, I did begin to realize I was attracted to him, but in my little bubble, married men don't cheat on their wives, and I'm certainly not the one they do it with. Needless to say, we never did make it out to lunch or anything like that. I ignored my attraction, he kept making his comments and engaging me in conversation, and that was that for a few months. One day I was walking down the hallway and he motioned for me to come into the empty conference room with him, and he kissed me. I almost passed out from surprise, but nonetheless, I continued. Hindsight is everything and I should've pushed him away, but I didn't. Thus began the physical affair, and we've been sporadically sleeping with each other ever since. Neither of our spouses have any idea (you can lecture me if you'd like, I will gladly take it, but it's really nothing I haven't called or said to myself already, believe me). Incase anyone is wondering, yes, the guilt is eating me alive. My marriage certainly has it's issues, but it's not dead-on-arrival. I also feel guilt for this woman I am betraying whom I have never met. Contrary to belief, I'm not soulless.

 

Eight months have gone by. For a while, the comments continued, and he continued to engage me in conversation. For the past few months, all of that has for the most part stopped. He sees me, gets what he wants, and pretty much says he has to go. We do not communicate at all outside of work. No texting, no emailing, nothing. He always says he can't get caught and lose his kids (I do have reason to believe he's not totally happy in his marriage, but that's really not my business or problem). You know how everyone always says the other woman is second? Forget that, I'm dead last. I've come out of my "fog" (it f**king took me long enough?) and realized this is nothing but a use job. I'm literally the work booty call of a married man. Don't get me wrong- neither one of us ever had expectations of leaving our spouses. It wasn't like that. I don't love him, don't want to date him, don't want to marry him. Technically I knew what I was getting myself into when I continued this, but I guess I feel hurt because I didn't expect to be used like this. I thought things would continue the way they had been, and he'd continue being my work friend. I've reached a breaking point now where I want to end this. MM doesn't even have the decency to attempt to be my friend (then again, why would he? I'm sleeping with him, that's all he needs). I'm sick of being used and I feel like a fool for doing this in the first place, not only to myself but to my husband.

 

My question to you fine folks is, what was your breaking point? What finally made you so mad, angry, sad, miserable, whatever, that you ended it? I know I need to for the sake of myself and my marriage. I need to just make the words come out of my mouth. MM isn't getting a reason. I just want to look at him, say "no more", and walk away. He doesn't deserve a reason as far as I'm concerned. I need some words of wisdom, because I'm drowning. They can be good, bad, scolding, calling me a naive idiot, anything. I just need something.

 

I felt like I was reading Overit's story all over again. I certainly hope yours dleant end the same way. Do you plan on confessing?

[GoldieLox]

I felt like I was reading Overit's story all over again. I certainly hope yours dleant end the same way. Do you plan on confessing?

 

I went back and read her original post and it sounds a lot like what I'm indeed feeling right now.

 

I know I should confess. I've been toying with it for a while. I know I will most likely lose my husband, but in all fairness, he doesn't deserve this whatsoever, and I'm aware of this. I just feel incredibly stupid for getting myself in such a situation in the first place.

[whichwayisup]

You both are using each other.

 

He will continue to 'use' you for sex and excitement for as long as you allow it. When you get sick and tired of how you feel, you'll end it and cut him out of your life. Only you will know when you've had enough and can find the courage to walk away.

 

You both are risking your marriage and lives as you know it, for what? Hot sex on the side? An ego feed? An escape?

[GoldieLox]

You both are using each other.

 

To be fair, I won't argue that point. I was being 100% honest in saying that I didn't ever want a romantic relationship with him. If I have to put my finger on it, I'm pissed because I wanted him to treat me more like a friend and not as a sex toy. Yes, I now realize that's what I get.

 

I am risking my marriage for this fool. Unfortunately, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned sex. That's one of the major issues in my marriage right now. Instead of doing this, I should've just found a MC and got ourselves an appointment. Like I said, hindsight is everything.

[GirlStillStrong]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I've been lurking for almost a year. I've read some excellent advice in that time, but I feel it's finally time to post and share my story and hopefully start heeding some of that advice. I'm going to try and keep this as straight forward as I possibly can.

 

I began seeing MM about 8 months ago. I've been married for 3 years. There's a 15 year age difference between us. We work for different companies, but I am contracted out to work in his building. We've known each other for two years and always been friendly, but around a year ago my marriage started hitting some problems. Everybody could clearly see it written on my face at work. About this time, MM started making comments about my looks and talking to me more. I naively brushed it off, because I thought "well, he's married with kids... he'd never do such a thing!" and to be frank, never in a million years did I think I would either. I just genuinely wanted a friendship with him. He's an incredibly smart person and I stand to learn a lot from him as far as moving my way up in the company, he's a wealth of knowledge and very well respected. Anyway, he'd make comments about taking me out lunch, etc. This whole time, I'm thinking he just actually wants to be my friend. (I'm not as young/stupid as I'm coming off, I swear- I think I was just seeing what I wanted to see- a friendship forming). As time I went on, I did begin to realize I was attracted to him, but in my little bubble, married men don't cheat on their wives, and I'm certainly not the one they do it with. Needless to say, we never did make it out to lunch or anything like that. I ignored my attraction, he kept making his comments and engaging me in conversation, and that was that for a few months. One day I was walking down the hallway and he motioned for me to come into the empty conference room with him, and he kissed me. I almost passed out from surprise, but nonetheless, I continued. Hindsight is everything and I should've pushed him away, but I didn't. Thus began the physical affair, and we've been sporadically sleeping with each other ever since. Neither of our spouses have any idea (you can lecture me if you'd like, I will gladly take it, but it's really nothing I haven't called or said to myself already, believe me). Incase anyone is wondering, yes, the guilt is eating me alive. My marriage certainly has it's issues, but it's not dead-on-arrival. I also feel guilt for this woman I am betraying whom I have never met. Contrary to belief, I'm not soulless.

 

Eight months have gone by. For a while, the comments continued, and he continued to engage me in conversation. For the past few months, all of that has for the most part stopped. He sees me, gets what he wants, and pretty much says he has to go. We do not communicate at all outside of work. No texting, no emailing, nothing. He always says he can't get caught and lose his kids (I do have reason to believe he's not totally happy in his marriage, but that's really not my business or problem). You know how everyone always says the other woman is second? Forget that, I'm dead last. I've come out of my "fog" (it f**king took me long enough?) and realized this is nothing but a use job. I'm literally the work booty call of a married man. Don't get me wrong- neither one of us ever had expectations of leaving our spouses. It wasn't like that. I don't love him, don't want to date him, don't want to marry him. Technically I knew what I was getting myself into when I continued this, but I guess I feel hurt because I didn't expect to be used like this. I thought things would continue the way they had been, and he'd continue being my work friend. I've reached a breaking point now where I want to end this. MM doesn't even have the decency to attempt to be my friend (then again, why would he? I'm sleeping with him, that's all he needs). I'm sick of being used and I feel like a fool for doing this in the first place, not only to myself but to my husband.

 

My question to you fine folks is, what was your breaking point? What finally made you so mad, angry, sad, miserable, whatever, that you ended it? I know I need to for the sake of myself and my marriage. I need to just make the words come out of my mouth. MM isn't getting a reason. I just want to look at him, say "no more", and walk away. He doesn't deserve a reason as far as I'm concerned. I need some words of wisdom, because I'm drowning. They can be good, bad, scolding, calling me a naive idiot, anything. I just need something.

 

Oh, girl, I have been there where you are and let me tell you this has nothing to do with "being the other woman." The details were not exactly the same for me when I had this experience; he wasn't married but you describe how I was treated. Here's the thing: YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ACCEPT ANY ROLE ANY MAN HAS CHOSEN FOR YOU. You need to learn how to say **** YOU to this guy and any other guy who clearly sees you were hoping for career networking, mentoring, or guidance but uses it for exploitation instead. Cause that is what he has done. It hurts to realize you are being exploited but you are. Men will always trump YOUR wants and needs with their own. This guy you are laying down for is disgusting. Kick him to the curb. But watch out how you do it, that you do not get struck in the back of the head. May be best to bow out gracefully, make some excuse if you have to, but kick him to the curb in your mind.

 

Reading your post has made me sick to my stomach remembering being involved with his kind of guy. What helped me regain my power was reading The Sociopath Next Door (Martha Stout) and In Sheep's Clothing (George Simon).

[GirlStillStrong]

To be fair, I won't argue that point. I was being 100% honest in saying that I didn't ever want a romantic relationship with him. If I have to put my finger on it, I'm pissed because I wanted him to treat me more like a friend and not as a sex toy. Yes, I now realize that's what I get.

 

I am risking my marriage for this fool. Unfortunately, you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned sex. That's one of the major issues in my marriage right now. Instead of doing this, I should've just found a MC and got ourselves an appointment. Like I said, hindsight is everything.

 

You do NOT need him. For anything. He cannot do anything for you or your career, and he does not care or intend to. Get away from him. You are wasting your precious time with this creepy prick, and endangering your marriage. Grow a backbone. Say NO. Learn how to refuse a man. Learn how to demurr gracefully yet powerfully. Stand up for your self here.

[GoldieLox]

GirlStillStrong, thank you for your reply. I do have to grow a backbone. It's so strange, because I'm such a Type A personality and usually have no problem speaking my mind or speaking up to anyone. I think I've honestly reached my breaking point. I did want an honest friendship with him. I wanted to learn from him. He (was) a cool person to talk to. Funny stories, a lot of knowledge. Like I said before, I ignored my attraction to him and let it rest until the moment when I SHOULD have pushed him away. Obviously I'm 50% to blame in this, I don't want to make myself out to be a victim here.

 

Did I mention he's in a position of authority? He does not have any supervision over me, but if I ever move up in that company, he may well one day have it. Quitting my job is not an option financially. Believe me, I've been trying to rework the budget for almost a month now (as well as looking for a new job). Nothing pays as well as this. I do believe I could work with him, I just ignore people who have hurt me. That's how I do things. Now I just need him to ignore me.

[lovinDKT3]

GirlStillStrong, thank you for your reply. I do have to grow a backbone. It's so strange, because I'm such a Type A personality and usually have no problem speaking my mind or speaking up to anyone. I think I've honestly reached my breaking point. I did want an honest friendship with him. I wanted to learn from him. He (was) a cool person to talk to. Funny stories, a lot of knowledge. Like I said before, I ignored my attraction to him and let it rest until the moment when I SHOULD have pushed him away. Obviously I'm 50% to blame in this, I don't want to make myself out to be a victim here.

 

Did I mention he's in a position of authority? He does not have any supervision over me, but if I ever move up in that company, he may well one day have it. Quitting my job is not an option financially. Believe me, I've been trying to rework the budget for almost a month now (as well as looking for a new job). Nothing pays as well as this. I do believe I could work with him, I just ignore people who have hurt me. That's how I do things. Now I just need him to ignore me.

 

As a former wayward wife, I know excuses. You are making excuses and simply looking for a way to stay engaged with this guy in the hope that it will get better so you can maintain both the affair and your marriage. This guy isn't your friend and never was. He has always been the object of your attraction and a cancer in your life, marriage family and career.

 

It won't end because you don't want it to, if you did it would have already ended. Sadly, like most WW's or fWW's here it will likely take your husband finding out to force your hand. The real danger in that is most betrayed husbands won't stay.

 

Your real problem I think, is you don't truely understand what's at risk. Because you know you don't intend on being with this other guy long term or have a real deep emotional connection, that its less harmful. This thinking kept me in my affair for almost 2 years and cost me my marriage. In the end the fact that you don't want a future with this guy will make it all seem well, for lack of a better word stupid. Its like risking a million dollars to make a hundred.

[GoldieLox]

As a former wayward wife, I know excuses. You are making excuses and simply looking for a way to stay engaged with this guy in the hope that it will get better so you can maintain both the affair and your marriage. This guy isn't your friend and never was. He has always been the object of your attraction and a cancer in your life, marriage family and career.

 

It won't end because you don't want it to, if you did it would have already ended. Sadly, like most WW's or fWW's here it will likely take your husband finding out to force your hand. The real danger in that is most betrayed husbands won't stay.

 

Your real problem I think, is you don't truely understand what's at risk. Because you know you don't intend on being with this other guy long term or have a real deep emotional connection, that its less harmful. This thinking kept me in my affair for almost 2 years and cost me my marriage. In the end the fact that you don't want a future with this guy will make it all seem well, for lack of a better word stupid. Its like risking a million dollars to make a hundred.

 

I realize why you're saying this. I've been making excuses for the past 8 months, obviously because I just kept doing it and doing it. If I wasn't ready to end it, I wouldn't be posting this. I don't want the affair and the marriage. If he (MM) dropped dead tomorrow, I really couldn't care less. As I said, there wasn't really an emotional connection there. I'm scorned because I got played by a fool. If I look deep into myself, what I really want is my marriage to be okay again. I got myself into this situation because there were deficiencies in my marriage that instead of trying to fix, I took the easy way out.

 

Obviously I'm not going to go into our whole financial situation here, but I seriously cannot leave this job, at least not until I find something that pays in the same range. I am actively looking. One of the (many) reasons I'm thinking about disclosing this to my H is because if I can't leave the job right now, he needs to at least know I am absolutely serious about fixing this and that I want to try and take accountability.

 

lovinDKT, you are on point about one thing. I was in such a fog when this started, I guess I didn't really realize what was at risk. It took me months to realize it. I think I'm still in the process of realizing it.

[whichwayisup]

Did I mention he's in a position of authority? He does not have any supervision over me, but if I ever move up in that company, he may well one day have it. Quitting my job is not an option financially. Believe me, I've been trying to rework the budget for almost a month now (as well as looking for a new job). Nothing pays as well as this. I do believe I could work with him, I just ignore people who have hurt me. That's how I do things. Now I just need him to ignore me.

 

Then ask for a transfer. It won't hurt to keep looking around job wise.

 

If you have any work emails that are personal from him, save them and put them in a safe place. Protect yourself just in case.

[lovinDKT3]

I realize why you're saying this. I've been making excuses for the past 8 months, obviously because I just kept doing it and doing it. If I wasn't ready to end it, I wouldn't be posting this. I don't want the affair and the marriage. If he (MM) dropped dead tomorrow, I really couldn't care less. As I said, there wasn't really an emotional connection there. I'm scorned because I got played by a fool. If I look deep into myself, what I really want is my marriage to be okay again. I got myself into this situation because there were deficiencies in my marriage that instead of trying to fix, I took the easy way out.

 

Obviously I'm not going to go into our whole financial situation here, but I seriously cannot leave this job, at least not until I find something that pays in the same range. I am actively looking. One of the (many) reasons I'm thinking about disclosing this to my H is because if I can't leave the job right now, he needs to at least know I am absolutely serious about fixing this and that I want to try and take accountability.

 

lovinDKT, you are on point about one thing. I was in such a fog when this started, I guess I didn't really realize what was at risk. It took me months to realize it. I think I'm still in the process of realizing it.

 

I understand totally what your going through, having been there in almost this very situation in terms of how we view the affair and affair partner.

 

You can't not remain friends with this guy period. Doing so keeping the affair on life support. Its really easy to fall back in that dynamic. Not to mention its so very disrespectful towards your husband. What happens if after two years your marriage is in a great place and then your husband finds out? How do you explain that you ended the affair two years ago? Your still friends with this guy.

 

As far as me being off about you making excuses and wanting to maintain both the affair and your marriage. Answer this, would you be ok with your husband being friends with a woman he betrayed you with? Why would you risk your marriage to maintain a friendship? What would you do when (not if) he turns the charm on and trys to lure you back in? How would you answer your husbands question as to why you thought it was ok to remain at the job and friends with the guy you cheated with?

 

Its hard to really strip yourself bare and be totally honest in these situations. Doing so is admitting just how horrible it is. So, as unfaithful spouses we shift blame (something missing in the marriage), not be true about our intentions (wanting to remain friends), fooling ourselves about the depth of the connection (I could care less if he dropped dead, yet your upset because he isn't interested in you outside of sex). Why is his acceptance so important to you (he gets what he wants then says he has to go, no texting no emailing. Forget being second, I'm last).

 

Its time for you to get honest with yourself, your looking for more in this affair then your willing to admit and it has nothing to do with the state of your marriage. This is your issue and yours alone. This isn't a 50-50 thing, this is 100% on you. MM made no vows to your husband. It won't make your husband feel better saying that MM is 50% responsible.

 

When your marriage is bad, fix it, if you can't get out. This affair has done nothing but complicated things and pushed whatever issues you had down the list. Confussion or not, your marriage will not get better until you get honest about what your dealing with, and those things in the way of it being strong and healthy. What happens if tomorrow you wake and your husband starts doing all the things you wished, then MM trys to get you in bed everyday next week?

[GoldieLox]

Yikes, I'm really sorry if my posts made it seem like I want to try and remain friends with MM. Let me reiterate, I *don't*. This post was pretty much about me reaching my breaking point with the whole situation. I agree thoroughly, not only is it extremely disrespectful to my H, but it is not good for me. Again, sorry if there's any confusion. I'm literally trying to sort through my feelings as I type this.

 

I'm not exactly trying to shift the blame as in "my crappy marriage made me do this"- I know the blame is on me. I made the decision to take the easy way out instead of take the hard way and face our problems (and possibly internal problems) in MC.

 

You're right in the sense that I was looking for more in the A. What it was, I'm not really sure yet. As I said, I'm literally trying to figure this out as I go along. I'm reeling from the way I was treated, yes. but I do agree with you, I just can't put my finger on it. Validation? Attention?

[Lady2163]

Hey don't listem to anyone in an online forum about confessing to your husband. That is something you and a counselor should work out together. They can help you prepare for consequences and decide what is truly best for you.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are doing a great job at beating yourself up, so I won't add anything.

 

My breaking point with MM was not out of anything he did wrong. I just did t want him to lose everything because of me. When push came to shove, I put his best interests first, over his (and my) desires.

 

But in otehr realtionships with men....I guess I had an imaginary line and unvoiced line drawn. What was the most amount of crap I was going to put up with. Once it was crossed, I was done. You will be surprised how powerful YOU feel if you are the one to say, "Done."

[lovinDKT3]

Hey don't listem to anyone in an online forum about confessing to your husband. That is something you and a counselor should work out together. They can help you prepare for consequences and decide what is truly best for you.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are doing a great job at beating yourself up, so I won't add anything.

 

My breaking point with MM was not out of anything he did wrong. I just did t want him to lose everything because of me. When push came to shove, I put his best interests first, over his (and my) desires.

 

But in otehr realtionships with men....I guess I had an imaginary line and unvoiced line drawn. What was the most amount of crap I was going to put up with. Once it was crossed, I was done. You will be surprised how powerful YOU feel if you are the one to say, "Done."

 

Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall anyone telling her to confess.

[jbrent890]

Maybe I missed it, but I don't recall anyone telling her to confess.

 

I think she was inferring from my post. None the less, to the op, I stress confession because I am a BS who was lied to by my wife about a ONS. For me, it wasn't the cheating, but the lying. My wife chose to keep it from me "to protect me," but I found out anyway. It's taking me a while, but I'm finally starting to forgive her for that. Mostly because I can empathize with her. However, the one thing I will not waver on is that regardless of her intentions, it was still my right to know. Now I don't know your situation personally, more specifically, I don't know how your husband will react to the news. If you think he would harm you or himself, then I suggest keeping your mouth shut. If you plan on leaving anyway, then keep quite. However, if you feel your husband can handle it, I suggest confessing. From personal experience and reading, I find that most ICs will tell you to keep your mouth shut and "suffer in silence." ICs look out for the best interest of their patients, and that usually means them not having to deal with consequnces. If you want my opinion, you said that you took the easy way out of your marriage by having an affair. You would be doing the exact same thing for your reconciliation if you keep your mouth shut. You truly wouldn't be dealing with the consequences. And worse, your husband will never know the truth of his life. At the end of the day, it is up to you. I will give you this, out of all the WWs that have come here as of late, you are the first one in a while that I truly do feel hopeful for. I get the sense that you really do want to make your marriage work and that your husband isn't your plan B. I wish you luck.

[Lady2163]

Your posts skirts it, she is comsidering it, many other forum posts focus on this. I just want her to do some real soul searching and real life couns.eing or preparation before she does.

[GoldieLox]

My H has had anger issues in the past. For the most part, he has done remarkably well in working on them. I do not feel he would ever physically harm me, however I do worry about his reaction a little more knowing the issues he has had. Regardless, if I decide to confess, that won't stop me. I made my bed and have to lie in it. I have also been advised by an IC to keep my mouth shut, because "they are better off not knowing". I only partly agree with this (and that was my stance before I got myself into this mess).

[Hope Shimmers]

I may have missed something. But if you don't want to be with him, date him, be in a relationship with him, etc, etc, then why are you still in the affair? I don't get it. What do you need to just say... no, it's not what I want? How hard is that?

[lovinDKT3]

My H has had anger issues in the past. For the most part, he has done remarkably well in working on them. I do not feel he would ever physically harm me, however I do worry about his reaction a little more knowing the issues he has had. Regardless, if I decide to confess, that won't stop me. I made my bed and have to lie in it. I have also been advised by an IC to keep my mouth shut, because "they are better off not knowing". I only partly agree with this (and that was my stance before I got myself into this mess).

 

Any therapist that tells you to hide the issue instead of addressing them isn't a good one, if fact they sound horrible. Not to mention, saying your husband is better off not knowing. Time to find a better therapist.

 

Want is she/he helping you with, besides how to avoid the issues.

[GoldieLox]

Hope Shimmers, bear with me here. I never had any intention of leaving H for him, you're right. I've made it clear that I want to pull myself out of this, but as lovinDTK said, there's obviously something more I'm missing here and not seeing at the moment. I guess I posted here to get people's advice, no matter how harsh it is, and to maybe sort through my feelings. It's always better when I try and talk it out, or in this case type it out.

[Hope Shimmers]

Hope Shimmers, bear with me here. I never had any intention of leaving H for him, you're right. I've made it clear that I want to pull myself out of this, but as lovinDTK said, there's obviously something more I'm missing here and not seeing at the moment. I guess I posted here to get people's advice, no matter how harsh it is, and to maybe sort through my feelings. It's always better when I try and talk it out, or in this case type it out.

 

I'm not trying to be harsh with you. I am a person who had a horrible time getting out of a long-term A with a man that I wanted (or thought I wanted) more than anything, and was very intimately involved with, so it's hard for me to understand why it's so hard to just walk away if you don't really WANT to be with the person in the first place.

 

If you were just looking for a band-aid for your marriage, then maybe you are disappointed that it didn't work out to be that for you.

[GoldieLox]

I'm not trying to be harsh with you. I am a person who had a horrible time getting out of a long-term A with a man that I wanted (or thought I wanted) more than anything, and was very intimately involved with, so it's hard for me to understand why it's so hard to just walk away if you don't really WANT to be with the person in the first place.

 

If you were just looking for a band-aid for your marriage, then maybe you are disappointed that it didn't work out to be that for you.

 

No I didn't mean you, I just meant anyone in general I need things pointed out to me. If I was clear about everything in the first place, I wouldn't have let this mess happen, right? Maybe I am disappointed it wasn't a band aid. I know I feel incredibly hurt that he was doing nothing but using me, but the more I think about it, WHY? I have an H who loves me to the end of the earth. What the hell am I looking for here? I mean in reality, yes, no one likes to be used. I think if I can figure out what I was looking for, this would be a lot easier for me to understand. I admit, I'm extremely confused right now.

[Hope Shimmers]

No I didn't mean you, I just meant anyone in general I need things pointed out to me. If I was clear about everything in the first place, I wouldn't have let this mess happen, right? Maybe I am disappointed it wasn't a band aid. I know I feel incredibly hurt that he was doing nothing but using me, but the more I think about it, WHY? I have an H who loves me to the end of the earth. What the hell am I looking for here? I mean in reality, yes, no one likes to be used. I think if I can figure out what I was looking for, this would be a lot easier for me to understand. I admit, I'm extremely confused right now.

 

I think you said sex (ie, intimacy) was an issue in your marriage, right? Well, that is HUGE. Not having sex and intimacy in a marriage is like not having oxygen, practically. Do you think that's what you were looking for, either consciously or unconsciously?

[GoldieLox]

I think you said sex (ie, intimacy) was an issue in your marriage, right? Well, that is HUGE. Not having sex and intimacy in a marriage is like not having oxygen, practically. Do you think that's what you were looking for, either consciously or unconsciously?

 

Yes, we hardly have sex. There's a lot of stress in the marriage right now. We both work crazy hours, I am doing a post-graduate school internship on top of working full time, he just went back to school. We hardly see each other. Maybe I wanted the friendship (and yes, the sex) with MM that I was missing with H- but I still didn't want a relationship with him. Maybe it was the attention I wanted. An emotional connection of sorts. Do I make any sense or am I just rambling? I don't even know anymore.