Breaking point as an OW/OM?

[Cressida]

Thank you for your wonderful post, I truly believe that the 'breaking point' can make or break a relationship, whatever that is, particularly with a MM.

 

Us ladies never think about it, but if we carefully choose our 'breaking point' and distance ourselves, it means all the difference in the world.

 

And clearly, a breaking point is also necessary to move on and naturally remove him or any 'love' thoughts from our heads...I might actually post my own story and all the 'extra' details as your post has brought this up and it's tremendously important...as well as useful. Thank you once again!!

[GoldieLox]

Thank you for your wonderful post, I truly believe that the 'breaking point' can make or break a relationship, whatever that is, particularly with a MM.

 

Us ladies never think about it, but if we carefully choose our 'breaking point' and distance ourselves, it means all the difference in the world.

 

And clearly, a breaking point is also necessary to move on and naturally remove him or any 'love' thoughts from our heads...I might actually post my own story and all the 'extra' details as your post has brought this up and it's tremendously important...as well as useful. Thank you once again!!

 

I encourage you to post your story (when you're ready, of course). It took me two weeks to get the courage to write it, but the proverbial sh*t hit the fan over the holidays the past few days, and I said "enough". Writing everything out and having everyone here help me figure out what in the world is going through my head is really helping me. I only wish I had posted sooner, but I guess I wasn't ready to end things. Now I am.

[nikki76]

I had an 8 month affair, 6 months of it being purely emotional, as we only slept with each other 3 ti mes, June being our last time. Our only communication was thru Facebook and twice toward the end we skyped. So my situation is a little different, but in the end its all the same.

 

I was sick of beinf dead last. He would always make excuses how busy he was and didnt have time to get together. He would always say "soon, very soon. " ugh. Soon never came. But looking back, I'm glad it never did.

 

Days would go by when he wouldnt message me. in my mind,

I kept thinking all it takes is 30 seconds to log on and say hello. But I wasn't even worth that.

He would message me, like no big deal when it was convient for him. Not even caring that

I'm over here, absolutely miserable because hes not contacting me.

 

That was my breaking point. I'm not worth 30 seconds of his time.

 

So without a warning I went NC, blocked him in everyway.

Its been a week today. I did have a weak moment on Christmas. But I got over it.

 

I'm done. I deserve so much more and most importantly, so do my kids and husband.

[GoldieLox]

So without a warning I went NC, blocked him in everyway.

Its been a week today. I did have a weak moment on Christmas. But I got over it.

 

I've been following your story nikki. Good job on achieving a week. It's sad how we aren't worth more than a few seconds to these MM, but what's even sadder is how we don't realize we have H's (and some of us kids) who we are worth all the time in the world to. It literally takes us to hit an emotional rock bottom for us to realize that. Hang in there.

[lovinDKT3]

Goldie, niether you or Nikki has hit rock bottom. Ending the affair isn't rock bottom, your husband finding out is.

 

You are making positive steps, as is Nikki. However moving forward or trying to with this big secret wrapped around your neck will be much more complicated then you think. When I tried it created an emotional distance between me and H. I feared being around him because I thought I would do or say something he would pick up on. The guilt wrecked my mind and body. I felt uncomfortable around him, in turn he become distant and I could feel him pulling away.

 

Enough about me. I'm not saying you need to confess, that is something that is a very personal decision. I'm telling you that the pit gets deeper, and the foundation your looking to rebuild on is at best shakey.

[GoldieLox]

Goldie, niether you or Nikki has hit rock bottom. Ending the affair isn't rock bottom, your husband finding out is.

 

 

I was more or less speaking in general about women, not about the two of us specifically. However, while we are on that subject, I respectfully disagree. While I agree that H finding out and the possible subsequent ending of my marriage would be the end all, I feel like I have hit a personal rock bottom of sorts. I've done some pretty f*cked up things in my life, but nothing has ever come close to this or has had the potential to hurt someone this bad. That, for me, is a personal and moral rock bottom that I've let myself hit. It's different for everyone.

[Cocochai]

Your actually in a better position then I am being the single OW. Your married and right now, have the change to work on it. You need to put your pride to the side and focus more on your own family. This MM will only allow to use you as much as you allow it. Don't give him that power.

[lovinDKT3]

I was more or less speaking in general about women, not about the two of us specifically. However, while we are on that subject, I respectfully disagree. While I agree that H finding out and the possible subsequent ending of my marriage would be the end all, I feel like I have hit a personal rock bottom of sorts. I've done some pretty f*cked up things in my life, but nothing has ever come close to this or has had the potential to hurt someone this bad. That, for me, is a personal and moral rock bottom that I've let myself hit. It's different for everyone.

 

I get that, I'm just warning you and saying to be prepared for more. All the things you feel now will compound once you see the pain and dissappointment in his eyes. I have taken heat here for telling MM these things, many posters feel that I adding more excuses and reasons not to confess. However I don't feel its my responsiblity to convince anyone here to confess. I had my own battle with it and in the end decided not to. For me it backfired and ended in divorce.

 

You have to do what you feel is best for you in your situation. Just understand, what you think is bad gets worse, much more so before it swings back towards better.

[road]

Yes, we hardly have sex. There's a lot of stress in the marriage right now. We both work crazy hours, I am doing a post-graduate school internship on top of working full time, he just went back to school. We hardly see each other. Maybe I wanted the friendship (and yes, the sex) with MM that I was missing with H- but I still didn't want a relationship with him. Maybe it was the attention I wanted. An emotional connection of sorts. Do I make any sense or am I just rambling? I don't even know anymore.

 

 

 

Yes because you are letting the OM take care of your sex needs and you are taking care of the OM's sex needs.

 

 

So your horniness is being taken care of so you are left with no sexual energy or motivation to handle your BH's needs.

 

 

That leaves the BH to "date" Rosie Palm to get himself taken care of.

 

 

You need to go NC with the OM. Which means leave that job, Then tell your BH.

[GoldieLox]

Yes because you are letting the OM take care of your sex needs and you are taking care of the OM's sex needs.

 

So your horniness is being taken care of so you are left with no sexual energy or motivation to handle your BH's needs.

 

That leaves the BH to "date" Rosie Palm to get himself taken care of.

 

You need to go NC with the OM. Which means leave that job, Then tell your BH.

 

The no sex thing in the marriage issue started before the A, but yes I see your point. Why make the effort when I didn't need to?

 

I really don't foresee NC being a problem. I don't want him anywhere near me anymore. As I have previously stated, I am actively looking for another job, but I can't just up and quit without having something else in place. That's just not financially possible. I'm in the process of deciding weather to tell H. I'm leaning more for it but I think I have some things to figure out first.

[Hope Shimmers]

While I agree that H finding out and the possible subsequent ending of my marriage would be the end all, I feel like I have hit a personal rock bottom of sorts. I've done some pretty f*cked up things in my life, but nothing has ever come close to this or has had the potential to hurt someone this bad. That, for me, is a personal and moral rock bottom that I've let myself hit. It's different for everyone.

 

I understand. And agree. From your previous posts I do think that you are not just saying this, and you have definitely hit a personal rock bottom. The question is why.

 

Based on the limited information, I think that you were seeking emotional and physical intimacy that was missing from your marriage. Even just affection. And you didn't find it in the A, so you feel all that much more horrible.

 

Well I'm here to tell you that in the end, be GLAD you did not find friendship or affection or love (or the equivalent of lies) in the OM, and that you can just say "I'm done, thank you very much" and move on. No emotional attachment to him means that you can distance yourself physically and then work on what you need to do for yourself and your marriage.

 

I get that, I'm just warning you and saying to be prepared for more. All the things you feel now will compound once you see the pain and dissappointment in his eyes. I have taken heat here for telling MM these things, many posters feel that I adding more excuses and reasons not to confess. However I don't feel its my responsiblity to convince anyone here to confess. I had my own battle with it and in the end decided not to. For me it backfired and ended in divorce.

 

You have to do what you feel is best for you in your situation. Just understand, what you think is bad gets worse, much more so before it swings back towards better.

 

Not everyone is the same as you lovin. This poster may not have the same kind of marriage or affair. In her shoes, I'm not sure whether or not I would support telling her H about the affair. There are certainly marital issues that need work, but would it help her H to find out that she had sex for X number of months with a man she had no feelings for, just trying to find... something? Or would that help OP in deciding that she needs to seek that SOMETHING either in her marriage, or else decide to leave the marriage if it isn't there?

[GoldieLox]

Based on the limited information, I think that you were seeking emotional and physical intimacy that was missing from your marriage. Even just affection. And you didn't find it in the A, so you feel all that much more horrible.

 

Well I'm here to tell you that in the end, be GLAD you did not find friendship or affection or love (or the equivalent of lies) in the OM, and that you can just say "I'm done, thank you very much" and move on. No emotional attachment to him means that you can distance yourself physically and then work on what you need to do for yourself and your marriage.

 

I think I was seeking both and got upset that I wasn't getting it. When I realized this was nothing but a use job, it just hurt me even more that I had been taken for a fool. Thank goodness I realized this because in doing so, I literally sat there and thought, "what the hell am I doing here? I'm ruining my marriage". It was like I woke up suddenly from an 8 month nap.

 

But honestly... I thank the stars this didn't (emotionally) go any further than it did, you are absolutely right. I've already made a mess of things, if feelings were involved, it would be even harder. Realistically, there's probably a scant amount of feelings somewhere that I'm either not seeing or subconsciously ignoring, but at this point it doesn't even matter. It wasn't love, it will never be love. I've made my decision 10x over that my marriage is more important.

[Hope Shimmers]

I think I was seeking both and got upset that I wasn't getting it. When I realized this was nothing but a use job, it just hurt me even more that I had been taken for a fool. Thank goodness I realized this because in doing so, I literally sat there and thought, "what the hell am I doing here? I'm ruining my marriage". It was like I woke up suddenly from an 8 month nap.

 

But honestly... I thank the stars this didn't (emotionally) go any further than it did, you are absolutely right. I've already made a mess of things, if feelings were involved, it would be even harder. Realistically, there's probably a scant amount of feelings somewhere that I'm either not seeing or subconsciously ignoring, but at this point it doesn't even matter. It wasn't love, it will never be love. I've made my decision 10x over that my marriage is more important.

 

I can see that. It may have been the whole "wake up call" for you.

 

Good for you.... I may have missed some of your posts, but I am glad that you are going to put your efforts into the marriage. No matter what happens, you won't be sorry for that decision.

[Owl6118]

Yes, we hardly have sex. There's a lot of stress in the marriage right now. We both work crazy hours, I am doing a post-graduate school internship on top of working full time, he just went back to school. We hardly see each other. Maybe I wanted the friendship (and yes, the sex) with MM that I was missing with H- but I still didn't want a relationship with him. Maybe it was the attention I wanted. An emotional connection of sorts. Do I make any sense or am I just rambling? I don't even know anymore.

 

I want to encourage you to spend some serious time with this thought. There is a thread here. If you pull on it, it will begin to help you unravel how you ended up here.

 

Look at the first part:

 

 

Yes, we hardly have sex. There's a lot of stress in the marriage right now. We both work crazy hours, I am doing a post-graduate school internship on top of working full time, he just went back to school. We hardly see each other.

 

Gently, do you see the logical tension here? Stress is a serious issue, and I do not discount that with work and your postgrad you are under serious pressure.

 

But do you see the inconsistancy? If the problem in your relationship with your husband was that stress and exhaustion caused you to withdraw, it should have been all that much more exhausting to connect with someone else. But this is not what actually happened. What happened is, in pursuit of something, you added onto that stress the time and logistical and emotional demands of a double life.

 

To restate it more clearly: If stress left you too tired for the demands of human connection you would withdraw equally from all. But--that is not what happened. It is a contributing factor to your choices, but it is not the why of choosing an affair.

 

Now look at the second part.

 

Maybe I wanted the friendship (and yes, the sex) with MM that I was missing with H- but I still didn't want a relationship with him. Maybe it was the attention I wanted. An emotional connection of sorts. Do I make any sense or am I just rambling? I don't even know anymore.

 

Now THIS is starting to get somewhere. Not only does it make sense, it is the thread you have to pull to untangle the knot of how you got to where you are.

 

Tired people, exhausted people, withdraw. You did not. On the contrary, you reached out, in a way that pretty clearly you knew contravened your own deepest values and sense of self, for something. What was it? What was it the REAL hole you were trying to fill?

 

One more note before I let it go: I want you to spend some time thinking this through for two reasons. First, I think it will help you. But second, if you do choose to let your husband back into the whole of your life by telling him the whole truth of it, or if he finds out on his own, you should be aware that he will suss out the contradiction immediately and in the harshest terms (oh, so you were too tired and busy and exhausted for me but not too busy and tired and exhausted to do X and Y and Z). And though he will put it very harshly in his hurt, he won't really be wrong in identifying the fallacy.

[GoldieLox]

Owl, I have read your post over several times now and I absolutely see what you're trying to say. I'd just like to point out that it was easy, and almost effortless for me to engage in the A, because MM was just... there. I'd go to work everyday, and there he was. I wouldn't see H sometimes for more than an hour or so for several days in a row. The sex problem came from a combination of stress and never seeing each other. The stress came from never seeing each other and never having sex. I'm beginning to realize the problems in the marriage are like one big circle, they're all just connected to each other.

[Popsicle]

What do you plan on telling him (MM)?

 

My breaking point will be when I find someone else I like.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Popsicle

[GoldieLox]

What do you plan on telling him (MM)?

 

 

That I'm done, that's it. Short, sweet and simple. He doesn't need an explanation and I'd rather not waste any more of my life on him. I don't feel I owe him anything. The only thing I'm going to ask of him is not to come near me anymore (I always let him come to me). Not in the parking lot, not over the work IM, nothing. This needs to end now.

[DKT3]

Owl, I have read your post over several times now and I absolutely see what you're trying to say. I'd just like to point out that it was easy, and almost effortless for me to engage in the A, because MM was just... there. I'd go to work everyday, and there he was. I wouldn't see H sometimes for more than an hour or so for several days in a row. The sex problem came from a combination of stress and never seeing each other. The stress came from never seeing each other and never having sex. I'm beginning to realize the problems in the marriage are like one big circle, they're all just connected to each other.

 

Don't minimize the role having sex with another man played in this. The time you spent talking to, texting and sleeping with MM could have been spent in your relationship. Also it added to the stresses.

 

I saw this because its really human nature for us to focus on the other person and to down play the personal role we played.

 

My wife had an affair, we divorced and were apart for about 5 years. We are together again now and happier then we've have been since we were teenagers in the throws of falling in love. We got there because I accepted my role allowing our marriage to get to the point were she felt turning to another man was an option. I owed that I was a sh8tty husband.

 

I'm not saying you will CONTINUE to do this, but now you are. You have to throw your trash out as well.

 

I will say this, you say a lot of the right things, however I don't think you will let MM go as easy as you think. You've allowed him to use you and don't things you didn't really want to just to get the validation. So it will be hard to just go cold turkey. Add in the fact that your angry for feeling used, you won't stay angry once he starts sweet talking you. You've sshown that you will do things you didn't want to for his attention.

[GoldieLox]

I wasn't trying to minimize it, I was just pointing out two things- that it didn't require as much effort as one may think on my part, and number two, the problems with my marriage came before the A. No doubt 101% that the A contributed to them and made them even worse. That's where the effort factor comes in. The emotional energy that I spent doing this absolutely could have and should have been spent trying to fix those problems instead of me doing what I did.

 

As far as quitting "cold turkey", I have no choice. I will do it for my marriage. Hypothetically, if I was single, I would still do it. I'm emotionally spent. He will not try and sweet talk me either, I know that much. He may have been calling the shots but he knows I could destroy his life and his kids would be taken (realistically, I would never in a million years do that. I'm not the revenge type)- but if I stand my ground and say, "you need to leave me alone, there's no negotiating this", he will do so, I'm positive of it.

[jbrent890]

Hey Goldie. Just wondering how your situation is going.

[GoldieLox]

Hey Goldie. Just wondering how your situation is going.

 

Thanks for checking in. It's been a week since I ended it (couldn't do it right away, had to wait for him to come find me, you know... the whole convenience thing I spoke about..) and when he did, I just basically said I was done. I did not give an explanation. He spoke a few sentences which I don't want to write here because they are pretty specific and I don't know who reads this.

 

I was pretty upset during the 2 minutes this whole thing occurred, so I didn't even have a chance to tell him I wanted NC, but it doesn't matter anyway. I haven't heard from him since then, and he avoids me/won't look at me in the parking lot, cause you know, I'm done serving his purpose. That's fine, it makes my life easier.

 

As for my frame of mind, I'm just having a hard time processing it all. It's tough, I won't lie. I'm trying to find a new IC and once that occurs, will decide what to do about disclosing to my husband. I'm mad at myself for letting the whole thing happen, mad at myself for betraying my husband, mad at myself for crossing the line with someone who potentially could've been a good friend and colleague (maybe not, after seeing what kind of guy he is? doesn't matter at this point), just mad at the world right now. I'm just doing my best to get up, survive at work, and reconnect with my husband right now.

[Broom]

Goldie, I just have some questions on exactly the details of how your A formed?

 

Was he overt and direct? Were you over and direct? Did he just surprise you with a move?

 

And I agree. It's sad how little we can mean to these MM. And once you withdraw or they realize you are no longer willing, they act hurt or shocked or wonder why

[GoldieLox]

Goldie, I just have some questions on exactly the details of how your A formed?

 

Was he overt and direct? Were you over and direct? Did he just surprise you with a move?

 

And I agree. It's sad how little we can mean to these MM. And once you withdraw or they realize you are no longer willing, they act hurt or shocked or wonder why

 

If you read my first post on the thread it gets into this a little more, but I'll summarize. It started out with what I thought was a friendship forming. That's all I ever wanted was a friendship, plus I (this sounds really stupid, but true) kind of looked up to him from a work aspect. Very smart, very well respected. I wanted to align myself with him as colleagues. Anyway, we would banter back and forth at work (non-sexual) for a while. Then the comments came gradually. I ignored my attraction to him because I was not the type to do these things. I had never so much as held another man's hand before while I was with someone else. Then one day he made a move and I had a serious lapse of judgement and that was that.

 

To be honest, I don't think he is hurt or shocked at all. I just think he's done with me. Why on earth would he want to still have a conversation or remain friends with me? (I'm not saying I want that, I'm just using as an example) I'm done putting out for him. My purpose is served. That just goes to show you the horse and pony show he put on to be my friend was to get into my pants the whole time. He wants nothing more to do with me.

[Broom]

After the very first time, how quickly or easily did you do it again (and again)?

[GoldieLox]

After the very first time, how quickly or easily did you do it again (and again)?

 

Once a week, once in a while, twice. There were some weeks we did not meet due to being busy at work.