My Ex Boyfriend came back...is he just using me?

[SoulflowerChloe]

After the ugly split of our 5 (on and off) year relationship, there was period of drama and no contact. He called me one night to have a normal conversation which led to us discussing the fall of us, and how it was really stupid to break us up. He apologized and proposed the idea of us starting to date again. We arranged to meet the next day.

 

 

The next day comes, and he sends a message retracting his dating proposal, and suggests that we start off as just friends because we would be moving too fast. I agreed. We still met up and chilled. Later on, he attempted to kiss me, but I reminded him that we were just friends. idk why, but I felt bad for saying it and we talked a bit more about his philosophy on dating. He revealed that he really cares about me, wants me, and said that in me he sees characteristics that he doesn't see in other girls, but being young (20 years old), he finds himself battling between the single life and a relationship because of freedom, but also didn't want to lose me. Things led on, and we ended up making out. My sexual attraction to him has always been IRESSISTABLE and tempting, and I agreed to have sex with him the next day.

 

 

So the next day is here, and tonight, he is supposed to be coming over. However, I am now having second thoughts. I want to have sex with him for the satisfaction, but I don't want to be used. If dating was moving too fast, but sex is not in his book, what are his real motives? I do not want to get hurt, but I want to have sex with him. Advice?

[Zahara]

How is this any different from 5 years of on and off? What's different?

[idoltree]

If a dumper is dictating the pace of reuniting, it's bad news. Were he serious about this, he would be up for whatever speed you desired. You'd be calling the shots and he'd be okay with it, because your comfort would be his priority. He's still got the power here and that, to me, indicates a broken heart in your future.

[SoulflowerChloe]

How is this any different from 5 years of on and off? What's different?

 

 

 

I don't understand your question. You mean how was this break up different?

[SoulflowerChloe]

If a dumper is dictating the pace of reuniting, it's bad news. Were he serious about this, he would be up for whatever speed you desired. You'd be calling the shots and he'd be okay with it, because your comfort would be his priority. He's still got the power here and that, to me, indicates a broken heart in your future.

 

 

 

You are right... my heart was already broken.

[Satu]

Don't devalue yourself by going along with his idea of how it should be.

 

Make your decisions on the basis of what you want.

[Zahara]

I don't understand your question. You mean how was this break up different?

 

Yes, in 5 years you have been on and off. And with this recent ending, him coming back again, what about this time around is different then all the times he's exited and entered?

[BC1980]

5 years on and off is bad news. How many times have you actually broken up and gotten back together? You want my opinion? He's using you for sex because he thinks you're an easy mark. You're like the old, trusty standby that he knows will always take him back. I'm sure he also likes you as a person on some level, but not on a level to commit to you. You're really young, and you could be meeting so many more people than this guy.

[Ieris]

Do NOT ever offer yourself on a plate like that. You have been on and off many times so play it differently this time. Keep the ball in your court and make him follow your pace. The more they can't get something, the more they want it but the sooner you give it to them the sooner they're out of there.

 

I agree with the poster above that he is just using you for sex, you're always there on standby. Don't be that girl, don't let him use you anymore no matter how much you like him.

[EgoJoe]

Demand respect for yourself or abstain from their life.

[blackcat777]

If he wants sex, you have to set the price... ESPECIALLY if you have feelings for him, otherwise you will end up feeling used and like your heart was smashed.

 

If you need a commitment from him to feel safe having sex with him, stick to your boundaries, love and protect yourself first.

 

Honestly, he sounds extremely wishy-washy and I would proceed with serious caution.

 

If you know you can't stop yourself, stay away. I felt the same way about my boyfriend for a long time while we were apart, and NC was the absolute best thing for me. It was horrible, it hurt like hell in the beginning, but eventually I got to a point where I detached enough to make a lucid decision about what I wanted with him... rather than fearing getting weak in the knees and melting into a puddle at the first sight of him.

 

Also, if he really does love you and you trust the bond you've built over time (serious question: DO you?), I'd cut him loose and let him eat his cake until he throws up. Bow out gracefully, spend time nurturing yourself. You don't deserve someone who can't decide whether or not he wants you, and uses you to fill his time on a whim. This communicates low value; doing what you must for your own well-being is high value, and acting from a place of knowing your value WILL inspire others to treat you the same way. The trick is knowing when to walk when they won't.

 

I would suggest telling him that meeting up is probably not the best idea right now, if your feelings are on the rocks (and it sounds to me like they very much are).

 

If he can't make a decision, the strongest and most self-respecting thing to do would be to make the decision for him and disappear. It will either hit him like a sack of bricks that he lost something precious, or you are investing in what's best for you from this moment forward, with the added satisfaction of knowing you dodged a bullet. For your sanity, I highly recommend banking only on the latter.

 

There is no worse feeling than realizing the pain outweighed the high.