How do we rekindle fire in a marriage?

[Babs22]

Would your husband say about you the things that your AP says about his wife? Or do you even care?

 

Funny how so many think they deserve far better then they give.

 

Seems that faithful husband=walking wallet. Not good enough for sex with, but good enough to pay the bills.

 

Op, I don't think you can rekindle anything, you really seem to want a different man. You want your husband to be something he isn't. You can't buy a lamb then get pissed because its not a tiger

 

Why hold someone you don't want hostage while planning the escape. Just leave and allow him to find someone that would respect and love him.

 

DKT3, I don't expect anyone to condone what I am doing and I would not recommend it. I really see my story as a cautionary tale to both husbands and wives.

To address your statements.....

1. Prior to this, I was involved sexually with my husband. I don't think he would have complained. I was faithful and had not ever thought of having an affair. I was pretty judgmental about people who would do this. I actually do care about my husband and his feelings, I never intended to fall in love with someone else.

2. I actually have a job and earn a living and carry the family insurance. I am not after money. I am responsible for all of my own expenses and most of my children's. This is a non-factor.

3. I don't feel like I deserve better than what I give. I have given of myself for 29 years. I am actually a people-pleaser and tend to put other's needs ahead of my own. I have been giving for a very long time. I am actually one of the last people you would ever expect to be doing this.

 

The cautionary tale is this, I was lacking a basic emotional need of feeling loved. As I said, my husband never told me this, never gave me compliments and physical contact was usually confined to when we had sex. I accepted this life and assumed that was the way things just were. Our communication was not good. I did not speak up for what I wanted and if I did, he did not hear what I was saying. My oldest child started having chronic illness 7-8 years ago. Initially we did not have answers and while I was trying to solve the mystery, my husband was getting angry at my son. I felt like I was fighting multiple battles alone. When I said our son needed counseling, he was against that, so I sent him to counseling without telling my husband. Based on that, I knew that counseling was never something my husband would do. Honestly, I thought I could handle everything without counseling. I just had to be strong enough. I was wrong. Now my youngest son has physical and mental difficulties which are even more of a challenge. This has been very difficult and once again I feel like it all falls on me to find the doctors, the solution, the medicine. I have always taken care of the kids. I took them to 98% of their games, lessons, doctor appointments. I was responsible for school work, I attended 100% of conferences 95% of that time I was alone. My husband was free to go to his own athletic activities 5-6 days a week. He would come to watch the kids play sports when they were young and be disappointed in them (they were not gifted athletes). I told him not to go anymore if it was too difficult to watch. We had problems, but I thought I could deal, I never once thought of another man, looked at another man or considered being with another man. I know I was part of the problem. I never spoke up, I never said you need to be here, I never said, if you can't say you love me or tell my I'm beautiful, then we should part ways. We had kids, a family, I needed to just deal with it. I never thought any other way.

 

SO, if you are a Spock type and, as my kids describe my husband, are emotionally detached (they said that, I never used that term), you need to find a way to show appreciation for your significant other. Tell them you love them, give compliments, think of something nice to say, give signs of affection and just be there for your significant other. I feel like I was a desert waiting for the rain, but not even realizing it. This doesn't make it right, but it is what happened. Another man loved me, he told me this, he showed me this and he continues to do this. It is not just about sex. My bf had to have surgery 7 months after we met which effected and still effects his ability to have a spontaneous erection. He is healing, things are improving, and our intimacy never wavered. It has been just as strong throughout his recovery.

 

I agree with you DKT3 and do not plan to hold my husband hostage. I am going to start counseling to figure out this mess. I have been honest about my feeling with my husband, but do not want to cause him more pain by telling him about my affair. He now admits that he should have done things differently, but I don't think this can be fixed. I am no longer physically attracted to him; however, my son is in a fragile place mentally and emotionally. I feel our son needs both parents around him as much as possible right now. I need to consider this and many factors before we separate.

 

I may end up alone. I don't expect my boyfriend to leave his wife. I just know personally, I can't stay in a relationship where I do not feel love. My husband does deserve the chance to find a relationship with someone who loves him and where he is happy. No argument there. I truly hope it happens.

 

FYI - My husband just left for a 3 week vacation to visit with family. The rest of us could not go due to school and work. I'm pretty sure I'm not holding him hostage.

[oldshirt]

 

Op, I don't think you can rekindle anything, you really seem to want a different man. You want your husband to be something he isn't. You can't buy a lamb then get pissed because its not a tiger

 

 

There's an old saying that this situation reminds me that I think sums up Tocook and her view of her H.

 

It goes like this -

 

"I hope I can find someone that's as nice as you, good as you, funny as you, as good with kids as you, as good looking as you, wealthy as you..........that isn't you."

[Tocook]

Would your husband say about you the things that your AP says about his wife? Or do you even care?

 

Funny how so many think they deserve far better then they give.

 

Seems that faithful husband=walking wallet. Not good enough for sex with, but good enough to pay the bills.

 

Op, I don't think you can rekindle anything, you really seem to want a different man. You want your husband to be something he isn't. You can't buy a lamb then get pissed because its not a tiger

 

Why hold someone you don't want hostage while planning the escape. Just leave and allow him to find someone that would respect and love him.

 

dkt3, I think you're projecting your problems and anger at the wrong person

 

Babs22, thank you for sharing

 

Funny how some men think it's about money. If it was that easy, we would have already left because we're strong women who can take car of ourselves financially but we're staying in a marriage for years and decades without attraction, companionship, and emotions for the sake of others. So yeah, we deserve better.

 

Old shirt, I've never heard that old saying but for me there's no wealthy, good looking, and funny husband in my household. Yet I'm trying anyways

[Tocook]

I'm curious...what is the essence of this 'Alpha' quality that many of you are looking for in your men/husbands that is missing?

 

 

You say he is good, sweet, even fun...but just not enough alpha. Is it a way he does/doesn't 'pursue' you? How he 'takes' you in or out of the bedroom?

 

For me, my 'alpha' man would not need my direction in most family decisions. I don't mean a dictatorship but more of a leadership role. He would be better at problem solving, financial situations, fixing things around the house, and defending me in conflicts with strangers. In the bedroom, he would initiate our encounters, he would listen, remember, then put into practice what I've shared makes me feel good. He wouldn't be hesitant. He wouldn't seek my approval when changing positions. He would know how to kiss. So to answer your question, it is both the way he doesn't "pursue" me or "take" me that turns me off.

[DKT3]

Your last two posts prove my point. You clearly don't love or respect your husband, hell it doesn't even sound like you like him much.

 

Just what are you staying for if your so strong? Its far better for the kids to be in a split home then in one where there is no respect. So your not doing them any favors by disrespecting the father.

 

I'm not saying its true, but honestly you sound like your already involved with someone else.

[Tocook]

No, there's no one else.

 

Yes, I'm not in love with him anymore and he's lost my respect for awhile now. Both of which I've shared with him when I said I wanted to leave 3 months ago. And since we're trying not to add to the horrid divorce rate in America, we've both decided to give our marriage another go and go to MC. He's workig on earning my respect back by being more of a leader in the family and less complacent in the relationship. I'm trying to figure out away to get the attraction back.

 

I know there are couples out there who have been in the same situation we are and through hard work and counseling, have rekindled the fire and now have a strong marriage. I'm just trying to get their perspective on what they did and how they did it.

[oldshirt]

For me, my 'alpha' man would not need my direction in most family decisions. I don't mean a dictatorship but more of a leadership role. He would be better at problem solving, financial situations, fixing things around the house, and defending me in conflicts with strangers. In the bedroom, he would initiate our encounters, he would listen, remember, then put into practice what I've shared makes me feel good. He wouldn't be hesitant. He wouldn't seek my approval when changing positions. He would know how to kiss. So to answer your question, it is both the way he doesn't "pursue" me or "take" me that turns me off.

 

 

 

This is why I recommended MMSL. This is exactly the kind of issue they deal with day in and day out.

 

 

As I mentioned earlier, you may have to blow something up to get his attention and get him to take it seriously and actually do something about it.

 

 

You may need to pack up and move out. You may need to file divorce on him. You may need to have an affair.

 

 

It may take that extreme of measures to wake up and take action. The problem then becomes that you are bitter and angry that you had to go to those lengths to get his attention.

 

 

Hopefully you can get the attention of the counselor in MC and get him/her to take you seriously and he/she is able to get through to him how much you need him to step up. I have the feeling that when you have spoken to him about this in the past it has just came across as background noise and whining and he didn't take it to heart.

 

 

I hate to sound chauvinistic but wives often have a few hundred complaints a day and most of them they just want to vent and don't really want any action taken on them. From a firsthand male POV it's very easy for a legitimate issue that needs action to lost in the background of regular gripes.

 

 

You are going to have to blow something up and draw blood here.

[loveboid]

It sounds to me like you picked the wrong guy. If the lust wasn't there in the beginning it's hard for me to see you're complaining now.

 

It's possible he could explore his dominant side and you you're submissive side. You could make it a game. There are lots of ideas floating around (Fifty Shades of Grey for example).

[jbrent890]

Wow. I'm in touch with what you are saying. I have been married 19 years and lived with my husband for many years before that. Our sex life was ok, he could help me orgasm, so he wasn't selfish. He actually had gotten pretty good at it. But I totally relate when you say your husband is non-communicative. My husband never told me he loved me, and he also never gave me compliments. I had never even thought of having an affair, but before I realized what was happening, I was in one, with a married man. I have 2 kids he has none. His sex life with his wife was not good. He felt like she never wanted to have sex with him. We immediately clicked on an emotional level and the sex has been amazing. I honestly never did anything to jump start anything with my husband. I also never realized how starved I was to feel like someone loved me and appreciated me. I always believed if someone was unhappy with their spouse, they should get a divorce and move on. This happened so quickly and I did not want to upset my kids lives. I'm not proud of it, but I've now been having the affair for 2 years. I am not attracted to my husband anymore. For now, I'm holding it together for my kids sake, but my marriage is definitely on life support.

 

I know this isn't a suggestion on how to save your marriage, but I could identify with what you were saying.

 

Not to be harsh, but I think you really do need to reevaluate your logic. How upset do you think your kids lives will be when they find out that their mom cheated on their father for two years. I'm sorry but that's not an affair, thats a relationship. I honestly for the life of me will never understand that logic. You seem like a very intelligent individual, so stop kidding yourself. Like I told another poster, you are playing with fire and the only people that are going to get burned are your children. I have to ask what is your endgame? Your affair is not going to last forever. Do you really want to make your marriage work? It really sounds like you don't. Why not just set your husband free? And please don't say its for the kids. Let's be real here, if your children were your first priority, you would not be cheating on their father and risk them growing up with two unstable parents. Right now your top priority is yourself and you know it. Again, I know this is harsh and I apologize for it, but it needs to be said.

[Babs22]

Not to be harsh, but I think you really do need to reevaluate your logic. How upset do you think your kids lives will be when they find out that their mom cheated on their father for two years. I'm sorry but that's not an affair, thats a relationship. I honestly for the life of me will never understand that logic. You seem like a very intelligent individual, so stop kidding yourself. Like I told another poster, you are playing with fire and the only people that are going to get burned are your children. I have to ask what is your endgame? Your affair is not going to last forever. Do you really want to make your marriage work? It really sounds like you don't. Why not just set your husband free? And please don't say its for the kids. Let's be real here, if your children were your first priority, you would not be cheating on their father and risk them growing up with two unstable parents. Right now your top priority is yourself and you know it. Again, I know this is harsh and I apologize for it, but it needs to be said.

 

JBrent - No worries about being harsh, I am not proud of what I've done. I am not suggesting others do this either, I am here to warn others not to do as I have done. My endgame? I can't fix the marriage, I do not have the feelings for him I should have and I am not physically attracted to him any more. So yes, I do plan to "set my husband free". I have been very honest with my husband the past two years about my lack of feelings, but will tell him he needs to move on. He deserves to go find someone who cares about him and is physically attracted to him. I was ready to do this a year ago, but then my 16 year old started having mental health issues. That has been my familiy's focus for the past year. It has been difficult to say the least and my husband and I have just remained on hold.

 

Maybe I was selfish when I started the affair. I do know the affair (relationship) started without much thought or warning. Prior to the A, I had never ever thought of cheating and assumed that through all its faults, I would remain married, because it is what is expected and what is best for the kids. How I felt should have been a non-factor. My husband never said he loved me, but I knew that when he married me. We dated 9 years before we got married and had kids. I should have known, I did know. My self-esteem sucked and I thought I wasn't worthy of that kind of relationship. I didn't believe someone could love me like that. I actually came to believe that kind of love didn't even exist. All that being said, it would have been better for all involved to not have the affair and stay in my marriage regardless of how I felt. It is too late for that now.

 

As far as my relationship with OM, I have no clue what will happen. He will most likely stay in his marriage.

[Jswscents]

I think we all get those periods when we feel you are not attracted to your spouse. This has to do with so many different things. The bottom line is if we want our relationship to work we have to push pass this. Think about the things you do like about each other, that thing that turns you on and encourage and reward those behaviors. It is OK that the feeling of attraction is not there or don't seem to be there all the time. These things happen when you are with a person for a long time. Moving on to another relationship would be a temporary fix because you never learned how to deal with this issue. Its going to take some effort on both sides. You should take the lead on this.