Boyfriend Stays At Ex-Wife's House to See Son

[Anique]

Hello everyone and Happy Holidays. I am in the midst of a very confusing situation, but I'm trying to remain level-headed.

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about a year. Here is a little background information about our situation:

- We met through work two years ago while he was going through a separation.

- When I found out, I requested that we stop contact because I realized I had more than "friendship" feelings for him and I didn't want to interfere with a possible reconciliation between he and his now ex-wife. He agreed.

- About six months later, he began contacting me again updating me to the situation. They had divorced and he wanted to see me. She had moved into an apartment nearby and he had been alone for a while.

- They have a 14 year old son together. I hear about him often because he is very important to my boyfriend, but have not met him because his son wants nothing to do with me.

- Once we began seeing each other, his ex began harassing me. She wanted him back. She watched his text/phone records (he changed his passwords and removed call-in access), his emails, followed him. She called and texted me calling me a home wrecker, threatened to come to my home, to my mother's home, called my work, called his work and co-workers. Despite all that, I stuck by him.

 

Since then, we have moved in together. He is about three hours away from his hometown now. His parents, siblings, nephews, son and ex are still there. She now has a new boyfriend as well and does not bother me anymore. I am 6 1/2 months pregnant, but she doesn't know yet.

 

The problem is, he goes down to see his son at least once a month (which I encourage), however, he usually stays at their apartment so he can be with his son as much as possible. When he does this, she leaves and goes to stay with her new boyfriend. He will sleep in his son's room or on the sofa. I am not a jealous person and I usually try to stay away from drama, so these past two years have been difficult for me and these current arrangements make me uncomfortable.

 

Should I be concerned? Am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do I just have crazy pregnancy brain?

 

Many thanks for honest replies in advance.

[whichwayisup]

3 hours isn't that far away. He only sees his son once a month?

 

Trust your boyfriend until he gives you reason not to. It seems legit, he stays over with his child at his ex's place and she goes to her boyfriends house for the night. Not sure what it is you're upset about.

 

You say last 2 years have been hard, but only been with him for one year, so I assume you two met and had an affair while he still married?

[Anique]

Hi WWIU.

 

He sees his son at least one a month. He will go down for long weekends typically every other weekend or take a week of vacation that coincides with his son's school schedule.

 

No, we did not have an affair. That was part of the reason I stopped speaking to him initially. At this point, we were friends/co-workers, but I felt it best as I could see something develop between us. When I found out he was going through a separation, we stopped speaking for about six months in case they reconciled (I did not want to interfere). We then met up several months after he finally divorced.

 

Thanks for the reply. You are right about trusting him until he gives me a reason not to. Probably just my pregnant brain. Sometimes it is just nice to hear reassurance.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome.

 

Just curious, has their son met his mom's boyfriend? Sooner or later you and his son will have to meet and also soon you and your boyfriend need to tell his ex and son about your pregnancy.

 

blended families do work but only if everybody puts the kids first and rise above their own issues... It takes time though so hopefully you all will be in a better place a year from now. And his son will be okay spending some weekends, weeks with you two.

[veryhappy]

If she's truly not there when he's visiting, it's actually great because he's saving money by not getting some other accommodations. As long vas they are not messing the kid and playing happy family by being all together in the same house, you are fine.

 

 

 

 

Don't force the kid to meet you. All he knows for now is through his mom's lens. He needs to expand his world view before being able to accept you, or he may never accept you. Either way focus on your life and let it be.

 

 

 

 

Enjoy your baby!

[autumnnight]

3 hours isn't that far away. He only sees his son once a month?

 

Trust your boyfriend until he gives you reason not to. It seems legit, he stays over with his child at his ex's place and she goes to her boyfriends house for the night. Not sure what it is you're upset about.

 

You say last 2 years have been hard, but only been with him for one year, so I assume you two met and had an affair while he still married?

 

She very clearly said that when she found out he was separated she stopped contact. No affair.

[Tocook]

I think it's a bit of the pregnancy sensitivity if the ex is indeed not there when your bf is there.

 

As for your pregnancy being kept a secret which I know you didn't ask advice for but it raises some red flags for me. Whose idea was it to keep it a secret? I'd be concerned if it was his idea to keep it from not only his ex but from his teenage son as well. His son is old enough to understand and eventually appreciate that he has a half sibling, especially if your bf and his ex is on relatively good terms. The divorce is fresh in their lives but your pregnancy is an exciting time for you and your bf.

 

Which leads to my other question. Is your bf genuinely happy about the pregnancy? Are you feeling signs that he is not and now projecting those insecurities on the fact that he's staying at his ex's even though she's not there? While not know him, i can understand him being freaked out over a new baby while the divorce is still new.

 

In any case, please take care of yourself and the precious bundle you're carrying. Because no matter how much you dislike drama, you are in one by default of the secret and blended family.

[Anique]

Thanks all for the replies so far.

 

To answer a few questions about the pregnancy, we have both been reluctant to tell most people, but for different reasons. The pregnancy was not planned, but it is a happy surprise. I had a bad experience when I was much younger (fetal demise at 36 weeks) and was terrified of going through that a second time, really questioning if I would ever have kiddos. I was afraid to tell anyone for fear of it happening again. He was shocked at first, but came around and is now very protective and loving towards me and my growing tummy. I believe he is afraid to tell his ex because he doesn't want to make waves with her. He and his son are closer than ever and he doesn't want to lose that. I think he fears his ex will not take it well.

 

The rest of his family is loving and accepting towards me. My boyfriend does not act ashamed of me.

 

I don't push the issue at all with his son because I have no idea what he's been told (although I am fairly certain it is not good). He is more than welcome to come see us here, but I would never force him if he's not comfortable. I do realize that it is hard for children from broken homes and his perspective will change as he gets older. He has not met the mother's new boyfriend, that I know of. I don't want to interfere with the time my boyfriend has with his son at all and I do believe she is not there when he goes to visit (we fall asleep on the phone together at night).

 

It is an unorthodox situation and very tricky to balance everything. I am a firm believer that if you don't trust someone that you shouldn't be with him. I don't believe anything is going on, but still found the situation odd and was wondering if anyone had experienced the same thing.

 

I am very much looking forward to the new baby coming! Thank you for all the well wishes!

[whichwayisup]

He and his son are closer than ever and he doesn't want to lose that. I think he fears his ex will not take it well.

 

But the reality is, his son and his ex needs to know the truth, that he will be a father again, and his son will have a half brother or half sister. His ex will have to deal with it, that's not your problem or your boyfriends problem.

 

His son will come around eventually, though I do think he needs to openly discuss stuff with his kid and get him ready for what the future is gonna be like in the up coming years. He cannot hide or lie about your pregnancy.

 

He has to tell his ex, talk to her and together they co parent with respect and put their son first, regardless of how she feels about you.

[Poppygoodwill]

It seems to me that your bf and his ex are being really good parents by agreeing to put the boy first by letting him stay in his home while they come and go themselves. I think if he and she can put their own stuff aside to the point of sharing turf like that, then you've got a good man who is mature and knows what his priorities are.

 

I am a stepmother (though he was divorced for several years before we got together, so it's a little more straightforward) and I know how difficult it can be to find the right line to walk with the kids, for you, for your bf, for the kids. It can be difficult for everyone. I have also taken the 'softly, softly' approach and done everything possible to avoid seeming to push in on them or force them into a situation where they must deal with me. I be there, I stay in the moment with them, just joking and being fun, and let them come to me when they want. And I give them ample time with their father on their own so that they don't feel that I'm between them and him. It feels strange and cut off sometimes in the short run, but works very well in the long run. Nothing better than when the teen girls come into the kitchen to hang out and help make dinner.

 

So keep doing what you're doing as long as it feels right. there's just no easy way to do it.

[Art_Critic]

I have a few thoughts.. first off.. he is your BF, correct.. not husband.. why aren't you both married ?

 

I think what they are doing is incredibly good for his son, providing she isn't there..

 

The only thing I really question is this .. Are you 100% positive they are divorced and not just separated ?.. and I don't mean because he says so, if they weren't yet divorced then just about everything falls into place..

 

Congrats on your baby... nothing cooler than being a parent.

[Clockwork]

As long as the mother isn't there, I see no issue. You have to remember, you chose this lifestyle. You knew he had an ex-wife with a son. Some muddy situations will happen. This is not a traditional household and you can't expect it to be "Leave it To Beaver``. He will have contact with his son, and to an extent, his ex-wife for the rest of his life. It is what will happen. That being said, you are carrying his son`s half-sibling. You should meet very soon.