Should i dump her if she is emotionally cheating?

[SycamoreCircle]

Describe your present living situation. Where do you live? Who is on the lease? Who has family where, etc?

[Donkeylove]

Describe your present living situation. Where do you live? Who is on the lease? Who has family where, etc?

 

We're living together in a house we both rent. We both work full time, and she also put her loan in our household, not all, just the rent, food, furniture etc. I pay for the holidays, diners, car, and some other personal hobbies i have. That makes it more complicated to just leave or get her out. Most of our families live in near state, some of them are just hundreds of miles away though. We share same friends as we were both studying when we first met years ago. Financially we are not well off, as we both just started our carreer.

[SycamoreCircle]

When will you see her next? Tonight? Is she there now?

[Light Breeze]

Hi OP,

 

What kind of emotional cheating did your girl do to you?

 

And

 

Does she know that you know about it?

[Donkeylove]

She will be back tonight. But i won't be there to 'welcome' her home as i planned to go out with a friend and get drunk. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I know alcohol will make me feel less. Maybe i will stay with my friend tonight. She doesn't know it. She has no clue as she is not fully there emotionally when i talk with her, so how will she know huh?

 

I always thought love means caring about someones wants and needs, but also taking care of their feelings and not causing pain. Why would she say i love you and still be oke that when i find out she has been cheating on me, it will cause me tremendous pain? I don't believe she is a evil person. Maybe she is confused? Or she just wanted to see if the grass is greener on the other side.... Maybe i just should let her go gently....maybe she will come back to me? I don't want to hurt her.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, I can't claim to be an authority on what you should do considering your living situation. In my own case, we both lived in my apartment. Perhaps there are others on LS that can recommend a strategy.

 

I will say this---you mentioned friends? I would advise you to pack some belongings and go stay with a close friend. You need emotional distance. You need a safe place where she cannot manipulate you and your better nature cannot influence you.

[SycamoreCircle]

I would not recommend getting drunk and returning home. Stay with your friend tonight. Spill your heart.

 

Avoid her at all costs.

 

Because the two of you have money/belongings tied together, perhaps there are some divorced people on LS that can chime in.

 

Physically you need to be away from her. Pack enough for a week. Go have fun with your friend. Stay at his place a few days. Don't return her calls. Disappear.

[Donkeylove]

I would not recommend getting drunk and returning home. Stay with your friend tonight. Spill your heart.

 

Avoid her at all costs.

 

Because the two of you have money/belongings tied together, perhaps there are some divorced people on LS that can chime in.

 

Physically you need to be away from her. Pack enough for a week. Go have fun with your friend. Stay at his place a few days. Don't return her calls. Disappear.

 

Thanks for your help! i know it's not smart to get drunk and then go home to be with her, i will certainly not go home...yes, i will stay at my friends house as i do not want to confront her when i am drunk and say crazy things to her. I would want to be sober if and when i'm ready to tell her.

I haven't decided yet what and how to do it. Right now all i feel is pain and dissapointment. I felt better after the numerous replies here, i felt the support and all, but now i feel down again

[EgoJoe]

She's twenty seven she knows exactly what she's doing. She's not confused, she knows exactly what she's doing.

 

 

If you're on the lease I recommend telling her not to come home.

[guest569]

Am I missing something? I dont know any details here, what did she do? How did she cheat emotionally, is she in love with someone else? How do you know? These details are important i think..

[KatZee]

I don't say this to sound mean, or to be an a.hole to you, but you sound like a doormat to be honest. And she probably knows this on a subconscious level, and it's why she's doing whatever behind your back. She has no respect for you.

 

Why are you spending every single second together with her? Where is your life? Why are you not out with your friends, cultivating your own life, while simultaneously dating her?

 

Being a great boyfriend doesn't mean being with your girlfriend 24/7 and attached to her like a barnacle. Yes, a girlfriend wants to be supported and to be treated well, but when you cross that line and turn into always kissing her a.ss, always there, it turns into a smothering situation, it turns into her losing attraction for you, and unfortunately it turns into some people turning to others for "newness" and "excitement" and "change" from the monotony that is your relationship.

 

In ANY relationship you find yourself in, whether it's romantic, friendship, family... don't think that just because you treat people a certain way, that they will treat you that way back. Most of the time, that's not what's going to happen. Majority of people are inherently selfish. They do what's in THEIR best interest.

 

In my opinion, emotional cheating is 1,000x worse than physical cheating. Emotional cheating involves the mind, the heart, emotions. I don't condone any form of cheating, and I don't have any sympathy for cheaters. I think cheaters are cowards and selfish. But if I had to choose one type of cheating to have done to me, it would be physical. Once someone else has your significant other's heart and mind, it's done.

 

You need to stop worrying about causing her pain and not wanting to make her sad. Straight up? F.uck her. She wasn't worried about you being in pain, or making you sad when she was off doing whatever she was doing with whoever she was doing it with. She's a liar. A manipulator. A selfish, cowardly, poor excuse of a person. She's stringing you along and having an affair behind your back. The second this other person gives her the green light and says, "yes, lets be official" she will drop you like a sack of rocks. She won't care about hurting you, or seeing you in pain. Get over feeling sorry for her.

 

Get your evidence, and out her NOW. There is no point waiting, there will never be a "right time" to do it. Tell her to pack her crap and get out. She won't have any issue finding a place to go.

Edited December 28, 2014 by KatZee

[EgoJoe]

It's important to realize that even if you're not a doormat people will do this crap if they are flawed. It has nothing to do with you. What she thinks she can get away with is because of how much you let her.

[Hoosfoos]

You need to leave and hang onto the last shreds of dignity and self respect that you have. Don't make the same mistakes I made by begging her not to leave. She's already gone, and unfortunately in regards to your feelings, things are going to get worse before they get better.

[SycamoreCircle]

OP, your dilemma touches me if especially that it raises a mirror to what I suffered. One poster blamed your personality as "doormat." While I don't agree with that diagnosis, you do sound like a very nice, accommodating person. I am, too.

 

Of the many unbelievably cruel and awful things my ex wrote about me to friends and family which I discovered by snooping her e-mail, a declaration that, "Ugh!!! I am never going to date another nice guy again!" had me pause in sour humor. I mean, what was she thinking!?

 

This is more a philosophical post and doesn't demand elaboration---I think very often with immature people, when their needs are being met on so many levels, they have a tendency to gravitate towards what few final "luxuries" they do not have. And drama, antagonism, agitation, evil, the taboo, the profane, whatever you wish to call it, is a very valid and necessary need. We want what is denied us.

 

The problem becomes that lure causes the person to lose everything else. In her last, weak, spoiled itemization of our relationship, my ex wrote "This is the most loving, secure relationship and I feel completely trapped." Through their immaturity, their stupidity, their trance(my ex literally became another person) they do not see what's happening.

 

There are men out there who prey on this sort of thing. It is a very sophisticated and highly intelligent evil, in my opinion, and borne of emotional lack and much much hurt. My ex's OM was this sort of man, 20 years her senior. In an early e-mail before the emotional affair had really taken hold, she confessed "Yes, I am married. There can be no other reason I'm turning you down."

 

Your gf's OM may not be like that, so deliberately anyway. And to be honest, it does no good to dwell on such things. I'm just being philosophical. But all the players are set in place. The game has begun.

 

In your defense of her sweet nature, bear in mind that she has to be telling that guy something and most likely it is stuff like, "I'm just not happy. Our sex life has seen better days. He never wants to talk."

[EgoJoe]

Bear in mind your sex life can be amazing and some people will still cheat.

 

 

It is not a reflection of your self worth. It is a reflection of her lack of self worth.

 

 

People with good self esteem and morals break up to pursue other people AFTER a period of being alone.

 

 

Be wary of projection and remember you can improve if you're ready. You are responsible for fifty percent of the relationship's problems until infidelity. She is one hundred percent responsible for that.

[lil hoodlum]

I am sorry Donkeylove that you are having to deal with this crap from someone whom you love and trust.

 

 

You don't deserve this from her.

 

 

Be strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself. Put your needs first as she has selfishly done to you.

[lauri]

This girl is never going to respect you if you can't respect yourself. The only way you're going to be able to do that is by walking away...she senses she can do whatever she wants to do and you don't have the confidence to find someone else (this turns her off).

 

So now what? Now you need to pull yourself together and walk away from this. This girl has ruined this and taught you some valuable lessons about the law of attraction / relationships.

 

My one question to you is now is does she know you know? I'm gonna spew out a few solution for you in either case scenario. Most importantly, do not be sad or show you are hurt infront of her. I do not want you to give her any ego boost or make her feel like she is special, because she is not. I want you to walk away from this leaving her confused and ego bruised..this is how you leave with the power and confidence.

 

If she knows you know (and even if she doesn't), come home and ask her to leave the apartment. Don't explain anything and don't talk much...tell her that you're already moving on and need her to leave so she won't interfere with your life. Even if you want, pack her bags and leave them at the door for her.

 

When she tries to give you closure talk, don't listen. All she will do is try to rationalize her decisions and push the blame on you somehow (aka make herself feel better). Tell her that you're not worried and glad this happened because there is lots of wonderful women who will be lucky to be with you. Shut the door and change the locks. Close the chapter.

 

Its gonna be hard man but this is the only way you can do this to get out with any last bit of dignity.

[lil hoodlum]

Stellar advice lauri!

[Itspointless]

Hi OP,

 

What kind of emotional cheating did your girl do to you?

Am I missing something? I dont know any details here, what did she do? How did she cheat emotionally, is she in love with someone else? How do you know? These details are important i think..

I read tons of good advice here, but I wonder just as these two posters. Is she romanticizing or in love with this other guy, or is she just talking with him as a friend?

[Marco Valerio]

...Should i still dump her? Because she is not fully invested in our relationship, one part of her is emotionally somewhere else with this other guy?...

In my opinion you should. If she's gone to the point of cheating on you...It only means she is not as invested on you any more as she used to be and has lost all the respect for you, those are the key points. Go and find someone better who values you and respects you !!!

 

Merry Christmas !!!

[Lianalady]

Hey there, listen to the folks on here they're right. This forum is helping me and it will help you. It's amazing to love someone, to feel that rush of joy just waking up with them. I used to tell my ex often 'I love waking up with you' because I really did. He left me for a much younger woman without a kind word (or any word really). I don't regret that I loved him but have accepted, with help, that he never really loved me, I was just convenient I guess.

Things will get better and you will love again. X

[sober and dry]

I was in some kind of that situation and man... I just wished I have dumped her when I started to see her emotional cheating me. I didn't so I went trough almost 6 months of big lies and blind-shield until the point were I spied her emails and found out their romance was just getting bigger and bigger all the way pass emotional cheating... So yeah, I really regret not following my guts and moved out right at the start line!

[Ieris]

I think everyone has given you some good advice as they have been in your shoes before. I dont want to repeat so I will just add:

 

"Don't make anyone your priority, when they only make you an option".

[Elle1975]

 

Be strong and do what you need to do to protect yourself.

 

Id echo that. Protect yourself. It seems like you're setting yourself for disaster if you just ignore the problem.

 

Alcohol is a bad idea. It doesn't solve anything, just give us a good hangover that makes things worse.

[movingonnow1]

This girl is never going to respect you if you can't respect yourself. The only way you're going to be able to do that is by walking away...she senses she can do whatever she wants to do and you don't have the confidence to find someone else (this turns her off).

 

So now what? Now you need to pull yourself together and walk away from this. This girl has ruined this and taught you some valuable lessons about the law of attraction / relationships.

 

My one question to you is now is does she know you know? I'm gonna spew out a few solution for you in either case scenario. Most importantly, do not be sad or show you are hurt infront of her. I do not want you to give her any ego boost or make her feel like she is special, because she is not. I want you to walk away from this leaving her confused and ego bruised..this is how you leave with the power and confidence.

 

If she knows you know (and even if she doesn't), come home and ask her to leave the apartment. Don't explain anything and don't talk much...tell her that you're already moving on and need her to leave so she won't interfere with your life. Even if you want, pack her bags and leave them at the door for her.

 

When she tries to give you closure talk, don't listen. All she will do is try to rationalize her decisions and push the blame on you somehow (aka make herself feel better). Tell her that you're not worried and glad this happened because there is lots of wonderful women who will be lucky to be with you. Shut the door and change the locks. Close the chapter.

 

Its gonna be hard man but this is the only way you can do this to get out with any last bit of dignity.

 

This!

 

OP, what have you decided to do?