How to Mess with MM's head and bits and pieces of my story

[Cressida]

Disclaimer- this is my personal experience, and my personal view. Opinions may vary, and anything and everything in terms of input is encouraged. I am under any circumstance claiming to know the absolute truth. I am however a firm believer in the ‘recipe’, which has worked for me.

 

I won’t bore you with unnecessary details, just the gist. Excuse me for the length of the post.

 

The Beginning

 

Quite simple. Girl meets MM. Hot, attractive, a man of the world. An intelligent man who could talk about anything and everything with me. A man with a personality I’ve always wanted for myself, I was an admirer. He was my mentor. A very attractive, wealthy and accomplished man. Mr. Big was nothing compared to him.Maybe one day a street or square will be named after him. Let’s say......he’s a politician. He he just shined, he glowed, he had an animalistic magnetism that ALL women immediately sensed. My mother was crazy about him before even meeting him. My elder brother had a man-crush on this dude. Perfection, what else! Right? Right…..oh and yes he was married. Married very young, had children before turning 21. Had five children before the age of 30.

We started talking for hours about everything and anything. It moved onto meeting, and then after a dinner we proceeded to become lovers.

 

The love

 

Ladies and gentlemen, I will now resort to ‘swearing’ (‘on my…..*insert term here*), because I simply do not have the words to express the ways in which this man declared love to me, and the kind of love he professed. Byron and Shakespeare failed the romantic class he aced. Heck he was valedictorian.

The words he said, the declarations, making me feel he wouldn’t exist without me. Nothing pathetic, said in the nicest way, I could feel the love and attraction oozing out of him. Incredibly jealous- blew a gasket in front of his family when he saw me talking with another man. Conservative Catholic, wasn’t a predator, he was known for being very selective and reserved, particularly with women, quite religious. We’re both Catholics (not that religion mattered here, I’m just saying for the sake of the argument, that I was aware of the guilt trip and all that before I got involved with him).

Very possessive, I wasn’t allowed to do anything, we’d spend 100% of our free time together, the first two months of our relationship he had me followed. Would get physically affected and get angry if I even mentioned other men. Introduced me to his family, his best friends from highschool, got me promoted in one of his companies, I was with him 20 hours a day the least. I was in love, I was happy.

 

His and Hers

 

You may think it’s silly or unbelievable or whatever, but I am an extremely loyal person. It is in my nature and I was also raised like that. My love and loyalty for and to him would have endured absolutely anything. Time, pain, hurt, absence, missing, anything. I was 100% his, we were one. I would have waited 100 years for him without flinching.

I loved him with all my heart, he was my entire life, my happiness, my everything, my sun and my stars. I was 100% faithful to him, never even thought about another man for a single second. I couldn’t see anything around me, just him.

He didn’t have this type of personality, obviously. His love was different than mine. He knew how to rationalize and where to draw the line. You probably see where this is going.

 

 

The sh*t barrel

 

In my country we have this ole’ saying that a marriage is like a barrel. It’s 20% filled with honey, and 80% with sh*t. The honey gets eaten first and then you immediately hit the sh*t and wonder wtf just happened, rummaging with the spoon to get back to the honey, but obviously the sh*t never ends, but you nonetheless keep digging….and keep digging….

Well if I could compare my relationship to him with a marriage, this is what it was like….only that the sh*t was delicately LAYERED, spritzed, spruced and sprayed around. After the initial explosion of extasy, the layers began to intertwine. Honey, sh*t, honey, sh*t…

If I wrote down all the things I’d probably have sixty notebooks filled with episodes. But I have forgotten most of them because I forced myself to do so.

 

The disclaimer

 

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a baby. I am an adult, I am not ignorant or naïve.

I would have respected him and perfectly understood if he came and said ‘Cressida, I love you, you are….etc. *insert term here*, but this cannot continue because I just can’t deal with divorcing or losing my family. I just cannot. Please understand this. I really don’t want to hurt you, but I want to be honest’. If he said this a few weeks into it, I would have immediately thrown in the towel, taken a bow and elegantly seen myself out. Right or wrong, this is how I see it.

He NEVER ONCE said so, on the contrary. We have a future, he has plans for me, I am his life, just trust him, he adores me, how can I think he could live without me. I asked him, we discussed it many times. He kept saying the same things, and actually got mad when he thought that I’d be willing to walk out, which of course I wasn't. Begging me to believe in him. I was his puppet on a string.

 

After we ended it, even if he wanted to stay friends, which we did for quite a while, until he did something that really pissed me off. Something important to me, he took it lightly. Something he knew was crucial for me. He just brushed it off.

 

HELL.TO. THE. NO. The beast had risen.

 

 

The Moment of Truth

 

If my ‘story’ is stupid, just ignore it, don’t care about it.

But I beg of you ladies, please read this carefully:

NOTHING is as important, as attractive and as precious as your personal DIGNITY.

Dignity and integrity define a woman, a person, a human being.

Once you lose it, PARTICULARLY IN RELATION TO A MAN, ANY MAN, you have lost yourself, you have become NOTHING. He knows, because he SMELLS it. Once you lose your dignity and are willing to jump through hoops, he will SMELL THE FEAR, your fear of being without him.

The antonym of fear is courage. Guts, balls, whatever. Guts can be the only rope that you can hang on to save yourselves from drowning. THE ONLY ONE.

What my MM was doing was that he was slowly DEGRADING ME. DISRESPECTING ME.

I have gone through such appalling pain that I wouldn’t wish it upon my worst enemy. It was like death to me. Every day, dying, gradually. Little by little. I was devastated to say the least, I was unable to function. I was ravaged, I was scorched earth. I never contemplated suicide, but I thought about dying. I didn't want to take my own life because it's the worst sin according to the Catholic Church, but I did pray God to stop my heart from beating one night. To just spare me and take me out of my misery. I literally wanted to die. I never contemplated doing anything, but I desired death. I know, it's crazy......

 

 

The recipe

 

You need three main ingredients:

 

-a man that you know is prone to act on his emotions, BUT KEEP IN MIND that he is a rational creature. Find the perfect balance between wisdom and emotion. He must have it otherwise it won’t work.

- BALLS. LOTS OF IT.

- timing. Another crucial factor.

 

 

Instructions:

 

Simple. A story as old time, as the sea.

 

Prepare yourself with courage. Think things through. Be prepared, be calm, judge the situation, measure your moves. Then, the good ol’ faithful that I never thought it worked, I never believed in it, but how wrong I was.

 

WALK AWAY.

 

I could have said this from the beginning. Just grab your metaphorical ‘balls’, and WALK.

 

It is as simple as that. Just walk away. He must know it, he must FEEL it through your actions.

 

You change your demeanor, your manner of speaking. You must be attractive, beautiful, seductive. Ambiguous. Make him WONDER.

 

AFTER he has begun wondering, and questioning his grip on you, YOUR MOMENT HAS COME JUST WALK AWAY. You just walk away. You disappear. (after an argument, preferably, or a discussion).

The only thing is that the guy must be hooked up on something about you. Your looks, your age, your sexual compatibility with him. I had all these three factors. He must be hooked, otherwise it won’t work. And he must be a man- arrogant and unwilling to allow anybody else take ‘his woman’.

 

Epilogue

 

 

Whoever said that revenge is a dish best served cold…was wrong in this case. It is best served hot, steaming, bubbling.

 

You cannot begin to understand the satisfaction you’ll get when you see that it’s working. You will literally feel like you have slayed your demons, in one blow. You are free. The satisfaction you will get will be enormous and will hit you like a blow to the head, it will initially paralyze and confuse you.

 

I indulged in mine in a shameless manner. I am not ashamed to admit that I had become akin to a wild beast indulging in its prey’s blood. I was so satisfied I could taste it, revel in it, it felt physically good.

He started seeing that I’m not responding to his calls, e-mails. I didn’t delete him from anywhere, just stopped talking. Just like that. No photos on Facebook with other men, nothing. JUST NOTHING.

 

He started getting unnerved. I could feel it. Texted a few times, I didn’t answer. Called, no answer. Nada.

He then started to beg me. I answered.

 

We discussed and I found out that he was at an important moment in his life, and that’s why he was off balance if he didn’t have me. He was scared and lonely. Nothing bad happened to him, don’t worry. It was actually a big thing (I would never exploit someone’s pain). A huge professional thing, and he needed me, like I always was in the picture.

He said he cannot live without me, that he would do anything if I came back, that he felt he was going to die one night. Etc you get the point..

 

After the initial conversation, I immediately started calling him out and on the carpet for anything that bothered me from that moment on. He would come CRAWLING LIKE A DOG.

 

Oh sweet Lord. How good it feels.

 

He would do things I never imagined he would, just so I wouldn’t be upset. I would say things to him, stuff that a year before would’ve made him physically react and destroy objects out of sheer anger with me, and now he’d apologize for upsetting me and giving me that impression, and beg for forgiveness.

 

Oh the thrill…..i love every moment of it.

 

I didn’t have to cry, plead, beg, suffer like an animal, like I had done so many days and nights before. Nope. I just had to SAY IT.

He knew I was willing to walk away. That’s why he willingly put his leash in my hand.

 

I was lucky. I caught him at a good time, and before that I had truly come at peace with myself and preferred the agony instead of degradation. My dignity was more important that my happiness, which wasn’t all that, since I was feeling degraded.

 

Now I can literally do what I want, and he doesn’t dare to whisper a word about it. I am polite, loving, but firm. If he pisses me off with anything, I'll slap him and he'll take it, and ask for more.

 

Don't get me wrong- I will always care about him in a genuine manner, I truly do love him in a way, but this is a ‘thing of honor’, I don’t know if I am expressing myself correctly. I had to settle this once and for all. This is retribution. This is how I see it. Nothing humiliating, nothing wrong. Just fair. It is JUST AND EVEN. I am a firm believer in justice. If he wronged me, I can take it out on him for it. It's not even revenge, but getting what I want. That's why it's so important to know what you want.

 

It seems that I had finally spoken to him in his own language and he understood. He's a very proud man who doesn't tolerate being crossed, and that's exactly how I 'caught him', with the same tool he caught me. That’s what saved me.

 

Try this and you will not regret it. It has saved my life. If you disagree, you are entitled to do so. But I was my own true salvation….nothing else. And only you can do the same for yourselves.

[road]

Congratulations you got yourself a man to share with another woman. His wife.

[evanescentworld]

I agree. Whichever way you look at it, you're second-best. He's with her, not you.

I'm sure you can fool yourself into thinking you have the better of him, but unless you have him all, then sadly, you're half the woman you could be.

Dignity counts for nothing when you're in a deceitful place.

[Cressida]

No, I got what I wanted. Not him, but what I wanted. He also got what he wanted. Even Steven?

 

We are no longer in a relationship, I forgot to add, because I did walk away for good. The whole shebang described above relates to our current 'friendship' so to speak. I will never get back with him, and he knows it. I just turned the tables and nothing more. If I told him to divorce I know he would do it tomorrow, but I don't want to. It would hurt him and his children, who are my age. I don't need that and neither does he.

[Satu]

You might feel incredibly powerful, but in reality you are a pawn in somebody else's game.

 

If you can bring yourself to the acceptance of that, you can begin to build something real for yourself.

 

Read up on 'Manic Defences.'

 

Good luck.

[Cressida]

I'm not 'powerful'....I just took myself out of the mess, on my own terms. My affair with him ended quite a while ago.

I like to believe that I am on par with him now. I still need him in my life, but not for a relationship, obviously.

[evanescentworld]

Why exactly, do you 'need' him in your life?

Did I miss that in your post? (I may well have one....)

[goodyblue]

The fact that you felt you needed to manipulate him is kinda sad all by itself. I hope you feel better soon.

[Cressida]

Why exactly, do you 'need' him in your life?

Did I miss that in your post? (I may well have one....)

 

That is irrelevant

[Josmatjes]

I want to do what you did!! Help me! Mm texts me, wants to see me, makes plans then doesn't show. This has happened a few times... We are very comparable in all ways and I do know he misses me a lot but is scared of being caught. He has also protected me many times.. Can't go into that now but that is how I know he loves me. I don't want to hurt him but I do want some retribution that will make me confident again. right now when we speak he makes me feel like he is the one with all the choices... I want to talk to him but I don't know what to say because I want my power back!

Btw... You are a really great writer!

[jellybean89]

Sorry it I don't understand at all what you are trying to say.

[Ruffian1]

I got what I wanted. Not him, but what I wanted.

 

 

Exactly what is it that you got that you wanted?

 

 

Just curious.

[Josmatjes]

She built her confidence back up without actually hurting him!

[evanescentworld]

That is irrelevant

Actually, no, it isn't.

Because if you need him in your life, you actually haven't moved on one iota.

You are still conducting an affair, and you are still the sideline...Tragically, I think your main post is utterly self-deluding...

 

She built her confidence back up without actually hurting him!

You're completely missing the point.

There are no winners in affairs, and they always, but always hurt someone at some point. I don't think Cressida has built her confidence back. If she had, she wouldn't eve be giving this man the time of day...

 

I got what I wanted. Not him, but what I wanted.

 

 

Exactly what is it that you got that you wanted?

 

 

Just curious.

Tragically, I don't actually believe she got what she wanted, at all.

How can anyone really achieve what they want when their lover is married to someone else, and alwys will be?

Tis is very messed up.

[Poppy47]

Do you really want to be on a par with him..... I think you might aim a lot higher than that.

 

You say you are the same age as his children. You indicate as much with your thinking and behaviour.

 

Poppy

[Cressida]

Thanks for your input, y'all. We all have to agree to disagree, this is the good thing about LS

 

I'm in a good place right now and I wanted to 'share' how I got there. I am friends with MM, but on my terms. I do need him for advice and other related things, professionally speaking. No affair or anything in the family, I have had enough.

 

This is what has worked for me, in my situation. It's also something I've noticed that it works for most women- putting one's foot down, whether it's in a romantic relationship, a friendship, even at work.

That's all:bunny:

[whatatangledweb]

I have many man friends and we don't behave like this. One friend does not have more power than another. That is not what true friendship is. Nor would I beg their forgiveness and they would not either.

 

It sounds more like you are still in an affair not a friendship.

[Versailles]

Thanks for sharing your story, I hope I have the guts to really walk away from my MM one day and yes, it would be nice if he came crawling back..

[Healthier Me]

"The only thing is that the guy must be hooked up on something about you. Your looks, your age, your sexual compatibility with him. I had all these three factors."

 

I wonder what will happen to your power over him when you no longer have these qualities? If he is as wanted and desired as you say, there will always be someone younger, prettier, and more exciting wanting to have him. Will he be able to resist them? Will you be able to live your own life once he's not jumping through your hoops anymore?

 

I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but I'm a firm believer that we MUST be able to walk away from these AP's and close this chapter for good! We cannot move on and truly heal unless they are nothing more than a memory!! Any communication is still engaging the affair. It's now become an emotional affair. Only the dynamics have changed.

[Satu]

Power over others is worthless, but power over oneself is priceless.

[evanescentworld]

Thanks for your input, y'all. We all have to agree to disagree, this is the good thing about LS

 

I'm in a good place right now and I wanted to 'share' how I got there. I am friends with MM, but on my terms. I do need him for advice and other related things, professionally speaking. No affair or anything in the family, I have had enough.

 

This is what has worked for me, in my situation. It's also something I've noticed that it works for most women- putting one's foot down, whether it's in a romantic relationship, a friendship, even at work.

That's all:bunny:

I think yet again, that this is merely what you are convincing yourself of.

Are you seriously trying to convince us that this man is utterly indispensable, because of 'advice and other related things....' (which by the way, is tellingly vague)...?

 

You couldn't possibly get this advice and other related things, professionally speaking' from anywhere else? he's the final, infallible word on everything?

It is him, and only him, you can approach?

 

You see how ludicrous that sounds?

 

The truth of the matter is this:

You are withholding sex, but you are still embroiled in an affair, because you need the connection to validate yourself.

you have CONVINCED yourself you have the upper hand, but that will only be accurate when you can dispense with any form of contact with him, whatsoever, walk away, and never look back. At all. For anything.

 

Until then, you are just as dependent and needy as you ever were.

The fact that there is no sex makes you believe there has been a transfer of power, but there hasn't.

 

If your theory and "what works for you" were so accurate, and so clever, then you would have far more people agreeing with you than there are, and fewer people would be trying to point out to you that what you think, and what we see, are two entirely different things.

Cressida, it would be amusing, if it wasn't really so sad....

[Lernaean_Hydra]

All this sounds startlingly similar to the silly games I've played in the past with my ex so I can't exactly say these methods don't work. It's true, I took all my power back and in fact, even siphoned off the better portion of his own; I had him wrapped around my finger but it was meaningless in the grand scheme of things and I probably did more damage to myself than him at the end of the day.

 

Instead of strategizing and masterminding new and even more complex mind games to play I could've (should have) been out living my life and truly not paying him a second thought. He didn't need the psychological warfare or steady stream of subtle emasculation and mockery to see what he'd lost nor did I need to engage in all that to actually walk away. I could've just...walked away.

 

It served no purpose to do otherwise. Okay, so I wound him up, got him to make all sorts of concessions and decelerations and humiliated him further still...Then what? Because the games got old and I certainly didn't want him after he'd shown himself to be truly weak and willing to allow himself to be kicked repeatedly then come simpering back like a lonely puppy. So again, then what?

 

Because really, in a little while, once the fog has lifted, he'll likely write me off as that crazy bitch or whatever epithet he choses to bestow upon the woman whom he allowed to play mind games with him for a period of time. There will be no true lasting damage and eventually he'll move on to the next woman and that will be that. I will have gained nothing, he'll have lost nothing, so I fail to see how this particular method would be preferable to just erasing him from your life altogether and having done with it. In the end, all I did was waste more of my precious time on him when I should've been focusing on myself.

 

It's funny though, how you say he'd be willing to divorce right now, if you asked. My guy (though not a MM) said he would do all sorts of crazy things in the end and gave me to understand he'd do even more, yet somehow I doubt the veracity of such claims. You'd do well to do the same.

 

I guess the moral of my story is, the mind games, the pettiness, the constantly fighting for an edge or thinking of new and inventive ways to f*k with his head was all pretty stupid. You really don't get much out of it - save for a few brief moments of feeling like you've got the upper hand - so why even bother? You didn't "win" anything and the so-called feelings born out of that kind of emotional torture being inflicted are fleeting. So, again, why bother?

Edited December 28, 2014 by Lernaean_Hydra