solostand Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 So I was married (technically still am) to a man who has been watching me blow my life up with two affairs back to back. The first one was with his former best friend, it was revenge. The second one was with a man I met in a support group, and it has been going on for more than two years. My husband knows about both. The first one he HATES because it was with his former best friend. The second one he is sucking up because, well, he has no choice. My husband loves me apparently, and seems to be waiting for me to come to my senses. He loves me in his own way, he is actually the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me and loves me anyway. I am pretty secretive and hide my issues. He susses them out right away. He is trying to woo me away from my current ap and he's doing a pretty good job. My problem is I need excitement. My husband is a man who loves me with all his heart - I know this. However, life was boring with him. The simple life of marriage and living life day to day bored me and made me seek excitement elsewhere. I believe I am broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted December 27, 2014 Share Posted December 27, 2014 You have to be really really clear about what you want, before you even begin to think about what he wants. Are you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted December 27, 2014 Author Share Posted December 27, 2014 No not at all. On the one hand I am happy that someone loves me unconditionally and wants me regardless. He says no matter what happens, he wants me to be with him to rub his head when he is dying. Even though we have been separated for over four years, he has never been with another woman. Me: I see in the future the comfort of the marriage, but I get very bored very easily. The excitement from the affair is what makes it special. The addiction. I remember feeling this way about my husband, but it wore off with mundane day to day life things. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppy47 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 It's a fact of life that marriage can get boring at times and the glitz and glamour will wear off. Be mature enough to accept the fact. YOur husband sounds like a true jewel. If you don't want him, be kind enough to leave and let him find somebody who does. Poppy 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlStillStrong Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You ever read about ADHD? You may want to. Link to post Share on other sites
GoldieLox Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 On the one hand I am happy that someone loves me unconditionally and wants me regardless. He says no matter what happens, he wants me to be with him to rub his head when he is dying. Don't take that for granted though and use it as an excuse to have an A, because your H knows and would love you no matter what. Figure out what you truly want, whether it's through IC, MC, soul searching, whatever. When you say the "day to day" life bores you, do you literally mean the routine of married life, or are there deeper issues here? If you mean the first one, there are ways to circumvent that feeling. Discuss new activities to try together. Take day trips, or pick a new restaurant once every few weeks to try if financially possible. If you found new experiences together, you may not feel so bored. If it's the second thing I mentioned, deeper issues... like I said, you need to figure those out and how to deal with them appropriately. Having an A is the easy way out, I learned that the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I dont have any advice, just wanted to say I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had an 8month A with H Friend and a short fling with someone I met online. Both at the same time. H never found out about either. I just went NC last Saturday. I feel that its an addiction. It sucks knowing that I'll never feel that excitment/rush again. I cant remember the last time i felt that with my husband. There have been moments where I feel that I want to have another A, just to add some excitement to my boring life. Of course, I discussed this with my therapist and this is a huge issue we are working on. Trying to do things for myself. So I enrolled in a few classes at our community college . Hopefully this will help fill some kind of void in my life. Like you, I feel broken too. I never once in a million years would have ever thought that I would be capable of this. It sucks! Good luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 So I was married (technically still am) to a man who has been watching me blow my life up with two affairs back to back. The first one was with his former best friend, it was revenge. The second one was with a man I met in a support group, and it has been going on for more than two years. My husband knows about both. The first one he HATES because it was with his former best friend. The second one he is sucking up because, well, he has no choice. My husband loves me apparently, and seems to be waiting for me to come to my senses. He loves me in his own way, he is actually the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me and loves me anyway. I am pretty secretive and hide my issues. He susses them out right away. He is trying to woo me away from my current ap and he's doing a pretty good job. My problem is I need excitement. My husband is a man who loves me with all his heart - I know this. However, life was boring with him. The simple life of marriage and living life day to day bored me and made me seek excitement elsewhere. I believe I am broken. You aren't "broken", solo, but at some point you need to understand and accept that real, day-to-day, long-term life is not about 'excitement'. Excitement fades. It dulls. I will tell you this - in 10 years - or 20 or 50 years - what you will want is a happy, intact family and family history. And THAT is what you are sacrificing now for 'excitement'. 'Excitement' and newness fades. Don't be so short-sited that you give up everything that matters for a few short (relative) minutes of 'excitement'. I say this knowing that I am right, and knowing that you will know I'm right in however many number of years,... and knowing that you likely won't believe me now. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You need excitement in your life, I think you're mixing that up with drama and selfishness. Sorry to be blunt, you know me, I ain't gonna hold back any punches with you. Excitement = Skydiving, bungee jumping, fulfilling new and fun hobbies. Drama = Affairs and being addicted to the roller coaster ride. DO not get back together with your husband, you can't 'be' there for him in the way he wants you to be. You can't be the supportive and reliable wife he needs, you've proven this to him not once, but twice. Friendship is possible between you two, but not as husband and wife. It's unfair and cruel to him since you're not in love with him and you find life with him boring. Continue with counseling, or start counseling if you haven't gone yet and fix the parts of you that are broken. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hope has a lot of good points for you to consider, long term. I do think there is an element of brokenness to you. The fractures can be repaired if you are willing to do the work, though. You have to be ready to do some very intensive work on yourself if you are considering rebuilding a relationship with your husband (or any relationship, really). It sounds as though your husband is on your side and is hopefully significantly prepared to work through this with you. It truly is about commitment. Are you honestly prepared to commit? If not, don't drag him, or any man through the emotions for the sake of drama or excitement. Link to post Share on other sites
Sassy Girl Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 You need counselling. Our need for 'excitement' means that you will never have any lasting fulfilling relationships because you are constantly seeking out the next best thing. You won't have any relationships of real substance and it's likely you will wind up alone after alienating everyone by moving on once you've had your fill. Along with ADHD is also look into NPD. You exhibit some of the traits. Just sayin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) First of all, you would be wise to get this habit of cheating off your radar. It just makes you cheap and you will completely regret it someday, if you don't already. Secondly, your ex will NEVER be able to get past you having two affairs. What he's trying to do is recapture what the two of you once had (which is not possible), and he's trying to stroke his ego by getting you back. Better yet, to get you to cheat on your current bf. Nothing would bring him greater satisfaction than to bust you two up. You, on the other hand, are falling into the trap of being predictable as a cheater. He's probably aware that his efforts to get you back are working. I would suggest that you ask yourself why you like to play these games with men -- to get them into a tug of war over you. It's one thing to have men fighting for you, it's another to constantly go back and forth sleeping with them. They will all eventually dump you for a woman who doesn't do this. Most likely if you go back to the ex who bores you, the relationship will not last. It cannot sustain the hit of two affairs, nor your innate dissatisfaction with the relationship. I would suggest that you either be happy with the guy you're with now, or move on to someone new. Edited December 28, 2014 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Many good points here. I think the ADHD diagnosis fits the best - it runs in my family. I will say I love my husband and maybe see a future with him. He isn't holding the affairs against me, but he doesn't like them of course. But when the rubber hits the road - he's the one I go to. I just got out of the hospital (got hit by a car and was hospitalized for a possible skull fracture.) He was the one I called and he was the one at my side. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 So I was married (technically still am) I believe I am broken. You need new IC if needed a new support group. Yes you are broken because you do not know how to have a healthy relationship and you are now on to OM No. 2 while still being married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Just to be clear we were separated both times I had affairs. He doesn't see it that way, though, he believes the vows we made were permanent and supersede separation. His thought is if we get back together we will have to get divorced first and then make new vows. I am in counselling but I agree I am broken. FOO issues. Never feel loved enough. Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Just to be clear we were separated both times I had affairs. He doesn't see it that way, though, he believes the vows we made were permanent and supersede separation. His thought is if we get back together we will have to get divorced first and then make new vows. I am in counselling but I agree I am broken. FOO issues. Never feel loved enough. What are FOO issues? Just like me, never feel loved enough :/ Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Most BS's act like this. It is not surprising. Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I respect your blunt honesty about your limitations, however self-awareness doesn't give you a free pass to take advantage of someone's good will. You're selfish, that's the bottom line. Putting your own amusement and having some "excitement" in your life over the feelings of someone you say you love. Please end it once and for all with your husband. Stop letting him hang around with his life on hold while you consider whether or not you want him as a back up plan. Honestly. If you love him, let him go. Force him to go. Why he hasn't walked away from your betrayals is another story in itself and probably means he's damaged too. Stop hurting him. Work on yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Right now, are you still in an affair with the MM? Link to post Share on other sites
sunburned Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Nikki,, FOO=family of origin and a convenient excuse for a multitude of sins. Solo, perhaps I missed an update but I thought you were now in a legitimate R with your MM, as he supposedly was going through a divorce. Does this mean u are already contemplating cheating on the guy you cheated with and with the guy you originally cheated on? Epic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I just got out of the hospital (got hit by a car and was hospitalized for a possible skull fracture.) He was the one I called and he was the one at my side. Why didn't you call MM?? Did he end up moving back home with his W? Link to post Share on other sites
Author solostand Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 MM was at his new grandchild's christening. Didn't want to bother him. Link to post Share on other sites
jellybean89 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Most BS's act like this. It is not surprising. What? What are you trying to say? Have you ever been a BS? Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 So I was married (technically still am) to a man who has been watching me blow my life up with two affairs back to back. The first one was with his former best friend, it was revenge. The second one was with a man I met in a support group, and it has been going on for more than two years. My husband knows about both. The first one he HATES because it was with his former best friend. The second one he is sucking up because, well, he has no choice. My husband loves me apparently, and seems to be waiting for me to come to my senses. He loves me in his own way, he is actually the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me and loves me anyway. I am pretty secretive and hide my issues. He susses them out right away. He is trying to woo me away from my current ap and he's doing a pretty good job. My problem is I need excitement. My husband is a man who loves me with all his heart - I know this. However, life was boring with him. The simple life of marriage and living life day to day bored me and made me seek excitement elsewhere. I believe I am broken. Seems like you indeed have lots of issues and he does too. It seems like a codependent scenario where he enables you and thinks he can love you to wholeness, when in reality he can't, so why he would want to stay with someone who blatantly disregards him and cheats without hiding it, I mean he has his own issues to work through too given that. Perhaps you should attend marriage counseling and individual counseling if you're serious about figuring yourself out and getting on a healthier path. No one can force you to, not even therapy can help you if you don't truly feel fed up with yourself and want something different. Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlet2 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Is your husband vengeful? I had a friend who wanted to get a divorce from her husband and he talked her into making it work and so she didn't go through with it. The minute he found someone else he filed for divorce and left her high and dry. It was all revenge and she was heartbroken because she was falling in love with him again. "You can't divorce me, I'm going to divorce you first." I don't know your husband but he has ammunition to do the same thing because of your affairs so you might just want to stick with your MM and get divorced, otherwise you'll end up with nether one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
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