I seriously need to change

[Doubtsforever]

If this is in the wrong section of Loveshack, please, move it.

Hi. I am a young woman in search of improvement.

A failed relationship brought me to this point.

 

I would like to keep it short. I met the guy; there were lots of chemistry involved. As cliché as it sounds I never felt that way before.

 

I only had four other relationships prior to this one, only one of them was long term. This guy is 8 years older than me. I’m still in my twenties.

 

 

 

Everything seemed perfect, until one of his exes appeared in the picture. He didn't wanted to let me know that much about it, but as far as I can understand, this girl left some kind of mark in him. I wouldn’t say he still loved her, but he felt really hurt (or, better yet, his ego was bruised) because she cheated on him with his best friend.

 

 

He started telling me he loved me but he wasn’t over the fact that she made him feel worthless. I tried to make him feel better. But it didn’t work out. He started being passive-aggressive, also, he isolated himself from me. We would see each other once a week, or even less.

His ex had a relationship so I wasn't worried about that, but his comments about how she was awful made me uncomfortable. They weren't constant, but if I wanted to talk about her that was the only thing he had to say.

 

 

I broke things off, actually we ended up on good terms. Not like best friends, but we were polite to each other since he accepted his part of things and accepted ur break up.

 

 

4 months after this he asked me to get back...

 

 

I did. He covinced me he was a better man. He was at peace with her and his ego. Time started to make me see that he was still bitter. He even started to be even more passive-aggressive with me.

 

 

He broke things off this time saying there was no chemistry anymore, saying he wasn’t good enough for me anyways and wishing me the best because I was the best person he'd ever met.

 

 

Later I found out that he cheated on me with his ex and broke up with me for this. I have never looked back to that relationship.

 

 

 

 

I won’t give too much details because this will be even more long.

This is the part were self-awareness began.

 

 

After he broke up with me I started noticing my confidence diminished a lot. This might be a normal occurrence after a not-so-mutual- break up, however, I was being too harsh with myself, blaming me for not being enough for him to forget about her and stuff like that.

 

 

I always had a clear looking skin but I lost all signs of it. I'm guessing that the stress of my situation was a great factor on what started happening with me. I started having acne.

 

 

 

I have it all over my face an chest, it is awful and it didn’t helped me to feel any better about myself.

It was like a vicious circle, I was afraid of meeting new people, I was having trouble letting go of him, I was beating myself up, all at the same time. I started feeling like a parasite... And I had to look at myself. All of this made me come to a conclusion:

 

 

TBH I have never been a self-confident person. I value my talent, I value my intelligence, but I don’t feel like an attractive woman.

 

 

I wanted this guy to want me, when in reality I don’t want a cheater with me, you know?

I had great times, but one cannot turn apples into oranges.

He simply wasn't going to be what I expected, no matter what.

My logic didn’t make any sense at that point...

 

Here is my resume:

I need to fix my self-esteem issues.

I need to stop wanting someone else to validate me.

I need to be more confident.

And I even need to have a solution to my acne.

 

This was hard to write, but, if any of you need to make me a question, I will answer it....

 

 

Please, help!

[I_Squared_R]

You already value your intelligence and your talent, why don't you view yourself as attractive? After all, that is an attractive trait that "make up" can't fake. I think you should re-evaluate your resume by accepting yourself and realize that everyone has a self esteem issue to some degree. By definition:

 

"Experiences in a person's life are a major source of self-esteem development. The positive or negative life experiences one has, creates attitudes toward the self which can be favourable and develop positive feelings of self-worth, or can be unfavourable and develop negative feelings of self-worth."

 

So by definition, you do have feelings of self worth. Why would you allow someone to change that?

[StalwartMind]

Without going into a long ramble about "making someone like you" or so, I couldn't recommend anyone to ever try to make someone like you, as they should be showing that interest by themselves or you are possibly setting yourself up for disappointment in the long run. With that said, it's fine to sometimes "help" someone open their eyes for things, granted it should always be them making the final choice to pursue something.

 

I feel too many people these days so easily "break" or "give up" when they meet the slightest resistance or negative experience. This is not to undermine any experience anyone have that is hurtful, it's just I wish people had more perseverance, mainly thinking of your ex partner and how he let his ex have a hold over him. Damaged people with low self control and awareness can indirectly cause more casualties through their behavior and attitude. You are one of those victims so to speak.

 

You shouldn't completely write off wanting to be validated. Truthfully we all need some sort of validation or it makes us feel like we aren't really contributing anything. Some need a lot more than others, but if someone genuinely is interested in you and appreciated you for all you are, then you will naturally be validated.

 

Confidence comes in many shapes too, ultimately you want to believe in yourself and that your actions are correct, regardless of what others think or how they receive it. There is of course a fine balance between being reasonable and arrogant with ignorant tendencies. A valuable lesson for everyone is to understand, we all screw up at times with both big and small things. It's all relative anyway, the important part is to learn to accept it.

 

Ideally you want to find an inner calm so not much can shake your foundation in order to make you not question yourself or others. As you say you are an intelligent woman, so you understand that people are different and will view you likewise. Where you feel fear or anxiety, because of how you believe others may perceive you, don't be surprised that someone will think no such things as you do. It's so easy to be insecure because the "world" basically judge us every single moment, but it's actually just a state of mind that most of us feel influenced by.

 

You may question many things, even after reading my and other replies, but regardless of your current mental or physical state, there is nothing that shocks or scares me away. Sure you can say I'm a complete stranger, but if I wasn't I would be telling you the same. Basically you do need to go on a bit of a journey inwards, and slowly build up comfort zones if you will, and take things from there. Don't be afraid to fail or succeed, you will often find kindness in others and yourself when you least expect it.

 

It may of been tough writing what you did, but you did an excellent job, take that any which way as you like, but to me and many others on this board, it's a humble pleasure to write words that may inspire or help you/everyone feel just a bit better or get them on the right path again.

[Doubtsforever]

You already value your intelligence and your talent, why don't you view yourself as attractive?

 

 

As a woman, a put a lot of that value in my looks.

And I don't feel like I'm, well, valuable in that way.

 

 

I do have feelings of self-worth, that was why I struggled to accept the terms of the relationship he wanted with me. But I started doubting myself more after all of that.

He was manipulative, but sometimes he was good.

 

 

I hear that this what I'm having is called "cognitive dissonance".

 

Thanks for your support!!!

[Doubtsforever]

I feel too many people these days so easily "break" or "give up" when they meet the slightest resistance or negative experience. This is not to undermine any experience anyone have that is hurtful, it's just I wish people had more perseverance, mainly thinking of your ex partner and how he let his ex have a hold over him. Damaged people with low self control and awareness can indirectly cause more casualties through their behavior and attitude. You are one of those victims so to speak.

 

(Yes... Well... He has some kind of unbreakable relationship with him, something I will NEVER understand because he never talked to me about it and even cheated on me with her, when he says he doesn't love her... Weird guy indeed.)

You shouldn't completely write off wanting to be validated. Truthfully we all need some sort of validation or it makes us feel like we aren't really contributing anything. Some need a lot more than others, but if someone genuinely is interested in you and appreciated you for all you are, then you will naturally be validated.

Confidence comes in many shapes too, ultimately you want to believe in yourself and that your actions are correct, regardless of what others think or how they receive it. There is of course a fine balance between being reasonable and arrogant with ignorant tendencies. A valuable lesson for everyone is to understand, we all screw up at times with both big and small things. It's all relative anyway, the important part is to learn to accept it.

(Thanks for this. He made me feel like I was crazy and a very unhealthy person. Honestly no one ever treated me the way he did. At first so good, then so badly and cruelly. I used to be a very secure person in terms of doing what I thought was best, but after this relationship I'm not as secure anymore. Both in the choices I made, and my appearance, even if this is more a superficial thing).

 

 

Don't be afraid to fail or succeed, you will often find kindness in others and yourself when you least expect it.

 

It may of been tough writing what you did, but you did an excellent job, take that any which way as you like, but to me and many others on this board, it's a humble pleasure to write words that may inspire or help you/everyone feel just a bit better or get them on the right path again.

 

Thanks again...

[Satu]

I suspect that the acne will reduce and probably go away if you get yourself feeling better generally.

 

Here are few tips that might be useful:

 

Eat enough, and eat healthily. Avoid eating too much (if any) fried foods - favour fresh fruit and vegetables, and whole grains. Avoid smoked foods. Avoid things made from white flour. Avoid sugar. Avoid coffee. Avoid coke and other carbonated highly sweetened sodas.

Drink enough water - 1.5+ litres a day.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some exercise - nothing too strenuous.

Don't mess with your skin too much. Just keep it clean, and use a simple moisturiser if needed.

A zinc supplement might be helpful.

[Doubtsforever]

I suspect that the acne will reduce and probably go away if you get yourself feeling better generally.

 

Here are few tips that might be useful:

 

Eat enough, and eat healthily. Avoid eating too much (if any) fried foods - favour fresh fruit and vegetables, and whole grains. Avoid smoked foods. Avoid things made from white flour. Avoid sugar. Avoid coffee. Avoid coke and other carbonated highly sweetened sodas.

Drink enough water - 1.5+ litres a day.

Get a bit more rest than you think you need.

Do some exercise - nothing too strenuous.

Don't mess with your skin too much. Just keep it clean, and use a simple moisturiser if needed.

A zinc supplement might be helpful.

I already do many of things things, except for getting all the rest I need.

I too suspect this will pass as long as my mental state improves. Thank you Satu!!!