Question for single OM's

[littlemermaid]

I have a friend, a single guy who I have known very casually for about a year. We have always had periods where he seemed flirty with me, then we wouldn't interact for a while, then we would again (facebook chat, and I see him twice a week at the gym, he's a teacher there of a class I take). He knows very well that I am married, knows who my husband is and has seen my kids.

 

Recently, I invited him out with a group of friends and he was very excited and eager to go. We all had a good time and one other friend and I ended up at his house at the end of the night, and he and I ended up sleeping together. In the morning, he asked me if I felt guilty or had regrets, and I said no, and he said then he wasn't either, and we had sex several more times. I left and I didn't know if I would hear from him anymore.

 

He texted me the next morning saying good morning and asking was I okay. I said yes and dropped the conversation there. He then texted me again the following night, asking me out and I had plans so I said no. He then texted, "You are okay with what happened between us right?" and I said, "Yes, are you?" and he replied, "Yes. Your situation might be a little complicated though." I texted not to worry and we would talk another time. The next day, I texted him what he was up to and he was with friends but he left them to come get me and we hung out. I suggested to just go to his house, but he was like, "I don't want to just be a booty call or FWB, I want to date you, I know your situation but I want us, dating, in whatever capacity we can." I asked if he was going to have a problem with my situation and he said, "I'm here aren't I, and I wouldn't be if I was going to, I want this, I want us," and all this stuff. He wouldn't even take me to his house that night, he took me on a date although we couldn't keep our hands off each other and we ended up having sex again in his car. That night before he left, he said, "Let's have our 3rd date tomorrow," and said he would text when he was done with work.

 

The next day, I never heard from him. I finally texted him at like 7 just asking what he was up to and he said "Hey. Just got home from work." and left it at that, we never went out or continued texting. The next day in class, I was pretty upset that he had blown me off and I didn't talk to him or look at him. After class I texted him about something class related and he replied immediately and was very friendly and happy, said he would text later if he could see me. He ended up texting later that he would be working really late and couldn't that night. But he said he wanted to see me before he went out of town that weekend. THen, I just never heard from him again and he went out of town. When I knew he was back on Monday, I texted him and wrote, "Hi, are you back?" and he read it instantly (iphone), but never replied. I just let it go, the next day I saw him at the gym and he tried to tell me that he didn't have his phone with him all day, which I knew was a lie because I saw the read receipt on the text. I just brushed it off like no big and treated him neutrally. I then saw him again the next day in class and treated him nicely but neutrally with no drama or expectations, and when I was leaving class I said, "Thanks for class, see you," and he said, "See you! We'll talk." and I just said "OK," and left. and that was Christmas Eve. I haven't heard from him at all since then.

 

Any thoughts from any single OM on where his head may be at, what I should do? I really want to keep seeing him.

[jbrent890]

Why don't you just leave your husband? I don't mean to sound harsh, but the way that you cheat on him is kind of disturbing. Why not leave and pursue as many relationships as you want?

[littlemermaid]

I am actually planning to, and I have discussed this with my husband many times and he won't take it seriously. I say I am not happy and I want a divorce, and he says he will change this and that and I say, I am not wanting you to change anymore, I want a divorce, and he doesn't listen. So thanks for your concern about my marriage, I am handling it and have an appointment with a lawyer this week and to move in with my best friend (girl). I am handling all of that and don't need assistance with it, which is why I was just asking for an OM's point of view on what this man may be thinking, because I really like him.

[jbrent890]

Good for you. On the matter at hand, it sounds like he hit it and quit it. Welcome back to single life where you will encounter a ton more men like him. However, it could also be that he isn't comfortable with the fact that you are still married. I understand the need to look for an exit affair to help motivate you to leave, but hold off on relationships until the process is over.

[Friskyone4u]

If you do what you say you are going to do and file for divorce then he will not be an OM any more and you will not be cheating. That's the route you should take

And then you do not have to sneak around

[FusionCutter]

He told you he wants to date you. Because you are married he hits a glass ceiling with you emotionally.

 

Therefore it's either one of two things.

 

1. He was using you for sex if he was lying to you

2. He got frustrated emotionally that you weren't willing to leave your husband and he was telling you truth.

 

It's no fair to him or your husband that you want two worlds.

[Cressida]

He told you he wants to date you. Because you are married he hits a glass ceiling with you emotionally.

 

Therefore it's either one of two things.

 

1. He was using you for sex if he was lying to you

2. He got frustrated emotionally that you weren't willing to leave your husband and he was telling you truth.

 

It's no fair to him or your husband that you want two worlds.

 

 

Fusion, I'll disagree with you on this one.

 

1. He WAS JUST using her for sex. It could've been her, someone else, it didn't matter. Young men don't want too much to do with married women, particularly if they also have children. It happens very rarely, and those men are the exception, not the rule.

 

2. How can a single, young man with a social circle, who probably has p*ssy thrown at him on a regular basis, expect a married woman to 'date' him and LEAVE HER HUSBAND on a whim, just like that, for his c0ck? Poppity-pop, here I stop! something like that??? He must be literally an imbecile, or simply someone with the gift of the gab, accustomed to 'trick' older, married women so he could get free and easy sex.

 

What kind of man expects a married woman to file for divorce after two shags in a car, and then gets 'frustrated' and walks away if she doesn't?? never heard of this one before.

 

My take is that he was looking for some 'married lady poon', some notch on the belt, some 'lil'fun', and you were the right person at the right time. You immediately had sex with him, and he immediately said he wanted to 'date' -i.e. steady poon. Not that he would have actually dated you.....and risk to be seen by your husband, friends, co-workers, family? Risk his physical well-being, perhaps? Is he 16 years old? Come on now, people.

[littlemermaid]

Fusion, I'll disagree with you on this one.

 

1. He WAS JUST using her for sex. It could've been her, someone else, it didn't matter. Young men don't want too much to do with married women, particularly if they also have children. It happens very rarely, and those men are the exception, not the rule.

 

He's actually not younger than me. But thanks for that assumption.

 

2. How can a single, young man with a social circle, who probably has p*ssy thrown at him on a regular basis, expect a married woman to 'date' him and LEAVE HER HUSBAND on a whim, just like that, for his c0ck? Poppity-pop, here I stop! something like that??? He must be literally an imbecile, or simply someone with the gift of the gab, accustomed to 'trick' older, married women so he could get free and easy sex.

 

So, he was friends with me for a year and all the while just scheming to "trick" me into sleeping with him once? And once again, I'm not an OLDER woman, don't know why you assume so. We are very close in age, but he's actually older, yet single/never married.

 

What kind of man expects a married woman to file for divorce after two shags in a car, and then gets 'frustrated' and walks away if she doesn't?? never heard of this one before.

 

 

 

My take is that he was looking for some 'married lady poon', some notch on the belt, some 'lil'fun', and you were the right person at the right time. You immediately had sex with him, and he immediately said he wanted to 'date' -i.e. steady poon. Not that he would have actually dated you.....and risk to be seen by your husband, friends, co-workers, family? Risk his physical well-being, perhaps? Is he 16 years old? Come on now, people.

 

it wasn't "Two shags in a car," I spent the night at his house the first time after he took me on a date that included a $300 dinner and then meeting up with other friends. And he was very reluctant for me to leave in the morning. Then he insisted on ANOTHER date, that he took me on, IN PUBLIC where yes, anyone family, friends, coworkers, etc. could have seen us. He could have just taken me home and shagged me or just gone straight to the car or whatever...he chose to take me on a date and tell me he wanted to keep dating. He had also asked me on another date prior to this but I was already busy that night.

 

Look, I really appreciate your thoughts, honestly I do, but I have to say that I'm hoping you are incorrect. It seems a lot of time and effort to put in for some quick "Married poon" as you so eloquently put it. Not to mention he knows he will continue to see me at his workplace. Hopefully not all men are as disgusting as the one you have painted a portrait of here?

[harrybrown]

If he will cheat with you, he will cheat on you.

 

He likes FWB.

 

He was with someone else over the weekend. He is single and is having a great time.

 

I do hope you used protection or will get tested.

 

He likes to have fun and will have as much as he can get. He can say whatever he wants as long as he has fun.

 

If you like having fun with him, keep having fun, but he is not LT relationship material.

 

Good luck.

[GoldieLox]

Mermaid, I'm not a single OM, not even a male for that matter, however there doesn't seem to be a lot of them on here so I'll throw in my 2 cents. You can do what you'd like with it.

 

The first thing that came to my mind when reading your post is that he regretted the whole thing in the first place, probably because as another poster said, you're still married. This may be why he's trying to keep things very casual with you now and not mentioning what went on. If you want to know what's going on in his head, I suggest you just come right out and ask him about what went on between you two and his thoughts on it. There's always the chance he'll lie, but if you ask him in person and you're good at reading body language, you could get a sense of his comfort zone.

 

There's also the chance that he was using you and I think you probably know this. The best thing to do is come right out and ask him. I'm not going to lecture you on the state of your marriage, because people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

[Sassy Girl]

MY $0.02? (From a MOW woman perspective)

 

 

I'm betting you are one of many.

 

 

BUT I'm guessing also that you were a sport to him... see how much he can push the boundaries and get you to do things for him even though you are married.

 

 

Lets see,

10 points for being able to take you home... check

50 points for being able to get you into bed and have sex... check check.

ANother 50 points to get you to drop everything for him and just "hang out"... check

ANother 50 to get you to drop your family again and go for a date and a quick Fvuck in a car... check check.

 

 

Not only did you give it over freely, you didn't put up much resistance did you? No guilt, no remorse. And no challenge. Where's the sport in that? Not only that, IM guessing he doesn't respect you, given how easily you gave it all up for him.

 

 

My first question is... how do you manage all of this extracurricular activity, plus work, plus spend time with your kids. Husband aside, that's a lot of action in one week. A lot of dumping or shirking your responsibilities for what? Sex in a car? Nice.

 

 

"See you. We'll talk"...Sounds like he has a few of you around... good time girls. Leaving you hanging. Sounds a bit pathetic, really... doesn't it?

Ask him what his definition of "dating" is...I'll bet its different to yours.

[Popsicle]

He likes you but you're married. That bothers him. I say again, that bothers him. The way that many single guys (because of ego and machoism and such) express that is by saying that it bothers YOU. It also bothers him that you feel no guilt. He wonders what kind of person you are. He will never express any of this, he will just always be distant or fade to black.

[littlemermaid]

MY $0.02? (From a MOW woman perspective)

 

 

I'm betting you are one of many.

 

 

BUT I'm guessing also that you were a sport to him... see how much he can push the boundaries and get you to do things for him even though you are married.

 

 

Lets see,

10 points for being able to take you home... check

50 points for being able to get you into bed and have sex... check check.

ANother 50 points to get you to drop everything for him and just "hang out"... check

 

well aren't you charming? Where did this happen? Oh right. It didn't.

 

ANother 50 to get you to drop your family again and go for a date and a quick Fvuck in a car... check check.

 

This time, I texted him and he dropped what he was doing to come take me on a date...that lasted 5+ hours. Not exactly a quick **** in the car.

 

 

Not only did you give it over freely, you didn't put up much resistance did you? No guilt, no remorse. And no challenge. Where's the sport in that? Not only that, IM guessing he doesn't respect you, given how easily you gave it all up for him.

 

Sorry, we were friends for a year. I didn't know we were engaged in sport. Things got carried away the first night we were together, and then we wanted to spend more time together.

 

 

My first question is... how do you manage all of this extracurricular activity, plus work, plus spend time with your kids. Husband aside, that's a lot of action in one week. A lot of dumping or shirking your responsibilities for what? Sex in a car? Nice.

 

Well, to answer your questions, I don't need to work, my husband travels more than 50% of the month for business, and my best friend lives next door and we watch each other's kids easily.

 

 

"See you. We'll talk"...Sounds like he has a few of you around... good time girls. Leaving you hanging. Sounds a bit pathetic, really... doesn't it?

Ask him what his definition of "dating" is...I'll bet its different to yours.

 

 

 

He told me his definition of dating. It was "going on dates."

[DKT3]

Here is the thing, no one here can tell you what he is thinking or why he acts the way he does. Best I can tell is maybe he has some kind of boundries, that may be hard for you to understand since its pretty clear you struggle in that department.

 

What I don't get is why not be single yourself? If I recall correctly this is your second affair this year, what's the point in staying married?

[littlemermaid]

Here is the thing, no one here can tell you what he is thinking or why he acts the way he does. Best I can tell is maybe he has some kind of boundries, that may be hard for you to understand since its pretty clear you struggle in that department.

 

What I don't get is why not be single yourself? If I recall correctly this is your second affair this year, what's the point in staying married?

 

Thanks for your response. I did reply to another post above asking me the same question, and I said that I am in the beginning stages of getting a divorce. This guy doesn't know that, though.

[DKT3]

Thanks for your response. I did reply to another post above asking me the same question, and I said that I am in the beginning stages of getting a divorce. This guy doesn't know that, though.

 

Yeah I saw that, I have a hard time believing it. Why? Because if your looking at this affair to go somewhere and you were truely leaving the marriage it would be easy for you to say "hey my marriage is over I'm moving out and starting the divorce process" OR is there a part of you that thinks you being free will scare him off?

[littlemermaid]

Yeah I saw that, I have a hard time believing it. Why? Because if your looking at this affair to go somewhere and you were truely leaving the marriage it would be easy for you to say "hey my marriage is over I'm moving out and starting the divorce process" OR is there a part of you that thinks you being free will scare him off?

 

I have talked to my husband about divorce many times over the past few years. He refuses to take this seriously. So I have just stuck around out of laziness, and the fact that he is gone travelling most of the time anyway, so it's not like we even have to deal with each other all that much. However, being with this other man recently showed me the reason why I need to leave--how unhappy I really am in my marriage and how much I wish to be free of it so that if I was to meet someone that I felt such a connection with, I could be with them the right way. And not be starting a relationship from a place of lies, which unfortunately is how this OM is probably seeing me now and probably going to be the reason things don't work out with him. I haven't even gotten a chance to see him in person one-on-one since I talked to my husband yet again and told him I am meeting with a lawyer. Am I afraid that it might scare him off when I do tell him? Honestly, yes, but if he runs away then I guess he didn't care about me the way he claimed to anyway and his feelings of guilt about my marriage weren't the issue after all. He has seen my husband and I interact and had even asked if we were still married at all--this is the degree of indifference from my husband that I live with, to where people observing us cannot even tell we are married, or even that we know each other, sometimes.

 

Anyway, all that to say that I am planning to talk to him after I meet with my lawyer and let him know. Then his reaction is up to him, but it's all I can do.

[clevelander321]

I have talked to my husband about divorce many times over the past few years. He refuses to take this seriously. So I have just stuck around out of laziness,

 

The problem is that many women are very emotional/immature, and bring up "divorce" whenever they get mad.. So no, your husband probably doesn't take it seriously.. This really is not a "free to cheat" card because for years you mention it without taking any action.

 

It is really impossible to gauge what some guy you just met feels about you..

[littlemermaid]

The problem is that many women are very emotional/immature, and bring up "divorce" whenever they get mad.. So no, your husband probably doesn't take it seriously.. This really is not a "free to cheat" card because for years you mention it without taking any action.

 

It is really impossible to gauge what some guy you just met feels about you..

 

we didn't just meet, I've been friends with him for a year. He's still being weird and I'm getting conflicting advice IRL whether to approach him and talk about this or just ignore him.

[Poppy47]

Ignore ignore ignore.

[Sassy Girl]

If he wanted you, he would contact you. It IS that simple. If he wanted to be a part f your life he would be making that happen right now. He isn't.

 

Men can be pretty basic like that sometimes. I know you're looking for a reason for it to not be the case, but usually the most obvious answer is the right one.

 

Move on with your divorce. Be alone for a bit and get yourself sorted. Help transition your kids trough a divorce - that should be your priority - not some guy who blows hot and cold and likely just isnt that into you...

[LifesontheUp]

I agree with Sassy girl - he would be with you if he wanted.

 

Perhaps he has met someone else, who knows?

 

If you are divorcing you need be there for your kids, they should be your priority now.

[loveboid]

He's a single guy. There's your answer. You two aren't exclusive. He says he likes to date so that's what he's doing. It sounds to me like he would rather date other people.

 

The romantic in me (and maybe him) says he tried you to see if it was real, and it wasn't because you're still married with no actions on changing--that's got to be the biggest rejection you could give him.

 

I don't think he's heartless. You don't bring much to the table. I think he's smart.

[Popsicle]

Littlemermaid, you would be best not to contact him while you are still married or in the process of divorce. No one wants to feel like they are the cause of a divorce (and he will feel that way no matter what you say). Contact him once you are fully and officially divorced (not just separated).

[Cressida]

it wasn't "Two shags in a car," I spent the night at his house the first time after he took me on a date that included a $300 dinner and then meeting up with other friends. And he was very reluctant for me to leave in the morning. Then he insisted on ANOTHER date, that he took me on, IN PUBLIC where yes, anyone family, friends, coworkers, etc. could have seen us. He could have just taken me home and shagged me or just gone straight to the car or whatever...he chose to take me on a date and tell me he wanted to keep dating. He had also asked me on another date prior to this but I was already busy that night.

 

Look, I really appreciate your thoughts, honestly I do, but I have to say that I'm hoping you are incorrect. It seems a lot of time and effort to put in for some quick "Married poon" as you so eloquently put it. Not to mention he knows he will continue to see me at his workplace. Hopefully not all men are as disgusting as the one you have painted a portrait of here?

 

 

 

Littlemermaid, I apologize if my choice of words offended you- arguably, you must have understood that since I don't know you, or anybody else on this forum for that matter, and you don't know me, and we really don't know each other, my phrasing was referred strictly to the situation and not you as a person. I was not trying to insult you, so please forgive me for having used language that might be considered too colorful. I do apologize for that.

 

However, you are a married woman, older to him, you have a husband, children, obligations. You are in a different stage of your life than him, he is a young, free man. These are the realities of the situation.

 

Secondly, statistically speaking men usually don't put themselves at risk or take high chances for women in the above-mentioned situation, since they can have very easy access to sex, companionship or relationships with girls closer to their age, who are younger, less hassle, etc. If you found him attractive enough to sleep with him despite your marital status, then other girls surely feel the same way about him.

 

The fact that he took you out on a date doesn't mean anything. The fact that he spent $300 is irrelevant as well. You ended up having sex with him in the car, that could be interpreted in a certain manner by him.

 

It is very strange and rare that a single man gets involved with a married woman and then bails, after having had sex a few times, because he 'doesn't like' that she's married, or 'it bothers him'. You didn't spend enough time with this guy to form an emotional bond, for him to be 'bothered' that you are married. You enjoyed each other's company, but that doesn't mean anything else. The fact that he asked you to stay for some more, or not to go, that's irrelevant. Maybe he finds you attractive, he enjoys your company, it's natural he'd wish to prolong something pleasurable.

 

However by the way you describe his further actions (no text replies, delays in answering, doing his own things etc.), it does seem like he was just talking out of his arse and not really meaning what he was saying. You cannot possibly believe that a sane-minded male would expect a woman to divorce just because they were having sex together. Come on.

 

So sorry if my choice of words insulted you, that was not my intention. I shall be more guarded from now on. However keep in mind that everyone here seems to agree that his behavior is inconsistent with what you want it to mean.