Marriage a winner when wife is thinner?

[RedRobin]

Thanks for the stuff about Marilyn, personally I couldn't give 2 hoots about her. The part about her is only a miniscule part of my post

 

 

I'm not sure what the point of your post was... I got the idea that whomever wrote it thinks that a size 12 in Marilyn's day is actually the same size as a size 12 is today.... which it isn't. I'm only a little thinner than Marilyn (a size 10 is maybe an inch smaller in the waist as a size 12 back then... see the link I posted), and I'm a size zero or two these days.

 

 

Where am I going with this?? clothing designers want women to buy their clothes, so they make them larger and larger... this doesn't help anyone (women or men) who want a realistic view of what is actually healthy.

 

 

In other words, being 50 lbs overweight and saying one looks like Marilyn Monroe because one wears a size 12 in 2014... when Marilyn wore a size 12 in 1960 or so is deluding oneself.

 

 

I think I'm agreeing with the sentiment of your post... don't let yourself go... I'm a woman who only dates men, and it bugs me that lots of them think they can get fat and attract a fit woman (like me). Nope. Especially since I don't care about their money or their career. I've got my own. Thanks!

 

 

If I were married to a guy who was originally fit, but let himself go... yea, at some point, that would be a deal breaker.... unless he had some major medical condition of course.

Edited December 29, 2014 by RedRobin

[dichotomy]

I am sure there are some men who loose interest in their wives if they gain a lot of weight.

 

However, my experience is that when a wife gains a lot of weight - she can be harder on herself, and loose her sexy feelings, or it is tied all together in a loss of that sexy attractive part of herself in marriage. It spills over and is all wrapped up inside her. Marriage suffers.

 

With a husband... if he puts on some weight - and his wife still says he is still hot and attractive ... and she initiates sex..... well then - that's it - he is hot and sexy because his wife tells him and shows him. Marriage continues on. Guys are simple this way.

[Tayken]

I'm not sure what the point of your post was... I got the idea that whomever wrote it thinks that a size 12 in Marilyn's day is actually the same size as a size 12 is today.... which it isn't. I'm only a little thinner than Marilyn (a size 10 is maybe an inch smaller in the waist as a size 12 back then... see the link I posted), and I'm a size zero or two these days.

 

 

Where am I going with this?? clothing designers want women to buy their clothes, so they make them larger and larger... this doesn't help anyone (women or men) who want a realistic view of what is actually healthy.

 

 

In other words, being 50 lbs overweight and saying one looks like Marilyn Monroe because one wears a size 12 in 2014... when Marilyn wore a size 12 in 1960 or so is deluding oneself.

 

 

I think I'm agreeing with the sentiment of your post... don't let yourself go... I'm a woman who only dates men, and it bugs me that lots of them think they can get fat and attract a fit woman (like me). Nope. Especially since I don't care about their money or their career. I've got my own. Thanks!

 

 

If I were married to a guy who was originally fit, but let himself go... yea, at some point, that would be a deal breaker.... unless he had some major medical condition of course.

 

 

I'll be damned....

[ktya]

I do not know how someone can change so drastically in a short period of time either but she was still responsible for her choices.

 

It wasnt overnight. I was patient, then gently suggest, then suggest, then urge, then strongly urge, then just telling her look you are nothing like the woman i met. It was a slow progression over nearly 4 years. Patience has its limits.

 

For gd sakes. Your making it out like im saying she moved in, and three months later, POOF, and i was all angry and mean and turned on her like a dime. Her weight and slovenness grew in lockstep.

The comment "would you fk you?" came after years of increasing gradual frustration, swim pass gifts that went unused and hair pulling frustration that despite her going from average to severely obese BMI and trying to cook her healthier foods that she wouldnt touch her meat because a peice of asparagus touched it.

 

Listen, i get it. Fat people are people too. At one point i myself was severely obese (years before i ever met that girl). I took charge lost it all and never looked back and its been 8 years. I went from 215 down to 139 in 8 months. So i know what works.

 

I tried everything with that girl but she refused every step of the way. Add in that it was a stay at home mom who did little but sit on the couch... No cleaning up after herself or even cleaning herself... Sorry im a fit man and i can do better. Go be someone elses project.

 

Btw calovely this was more directed at the person you were responding to

Edited December 29, 2014 by ktya

[CALOVELY]

It wasnt overnight. I was patient, then gently suggest, then suggest, then urge, then strongly urge, then just telling her look you are nothing like the woman i met. It was a slow progression over nearly 4 years. Patience has its limits.

 

For gd sakes. Your making it out like im saying she moved in, and three months later, POOF, and i was all angry and mean and turned on her like a dime. Her weight and slovenness grew in lockstep.

The comment "would you fk you?" came after years of increasing gradual frustration, swim pass gifts that went unused and hair pulling frustration that despite her going from average to severely obese BMI and trying to cook her healthier foods that she wouldnt touch her meat because a peice of asparagus touched it.

 

Listen, i get it. Fat people are people too. At one point i myself was severely obese (years before i ever met that girl). I took charge lost it all and never looked back and its been 8 years. I went from 215 down to 139 in 8 months. So i know what works.

 

I tried everything with that girl but she refused every step of the way. Add in that it was a stay at home mom who did little but sit on the couch... No cleaning up after herself or even cleaning herself... Sorry im a fit man and i can do better. Go be someone elses project.

 

Btw calovely this was more directed at the person you were responding to

 

Thank you for this. I read the whole response and thought you must have responded to the wrong person. I understand your frustration and anger, while it does come off as harsh.

We marry with a certain expectation and yes, many things happen that are beyond our control. Changing in to an entirely different person though is not expected by most people. That goes for weight, drinking/drug use or personality. We marry the person we do because we love them, the person that they are. It is not unreasonable to expect them to try and maintain that.

[Robert Z]

I have two neighbors - married, early 50's - but look late 60's. Both are overweight and just sloppy. I sometimes wonder what inside that house smells like.

 

Ack! That reminded me of something from long ago. I once had these two neighbors who were huge... well, he was big and she was huge. Their bedroom window was right next to mine. I could hear the fat slapping when they had sex!

[Robert Z]

That's what I'm getting from his last post.

 

But it didn't just happen one day that he woke up to a sloth. I wonder what happened back in the early days when he was trying to control her from drinking soda with sugar in it.

 

I don't know. I wasn't there.

 

I don't know about him but my buddy is currently struggling with this issue with his wife. She does work out a couple of times a week, sometimes, but she refuses to control her diet. She is really big now and getting bigger fast. [i would guess that she is pushing 300 lbs, easily 250]

 

Recently she was trying to convince him that fat is sexy! [something she got from the women in her church!]. That about sent him through the roof.

 

If you ask me, she is just refusing to make the effort because she thinks he has to live with it. They have kids and he's trapped. So screw him. It is a very familiar pattern. She is betting that he won't leave over this and break up the family. And to an extent she is right. That is the reason why he doesn't give her an ultimatum.

 

 

She may be surprised. He may leave. He certainly will when the kids are older unless she shapes up.

Edited December 29, 2014 by Robert Z

[Robert Z]

Oh yes, that was the part that really got him. If you were a good man you wouldn't care if I'm fat. That was the message that she got from the women in her church.

 

 

How many do you think are fat? According to him, pretty much all of them.

[ktya]

I don't know about him but my buddy is currently struggling with this issue with his wife. She does work out a couple of times a week, sometimes, but she refuses to control her diet. She is really big now and getting bigger fast. [i would guess that she is pushing 300 lbs, easily 250]

 

Recently she was trying to convince him that fat is sexy! [something she got from the women in her church!]. That about sent him through the roof.

 

If you ask me, she is just refusing to make the effort because she thinks he has to live with it. They have kids and he's trapped. So screw him. It is a very familiar pattern. She is betting that he won't leave over this and break up the family. And to an extent she is right. That is the reason why he doesn't give her an ultimatum.

 

Really, he should threaten to leave, kids or not. That woman is going to set his kids on track for type-2 diabetes. I dont know what kind of a homemaker she is but my bets are on that when guests arent over not a very good one. I have first hand epirical data. Ive been renting rooms in my house since 2008. *Every single seriously fat tenant ive had* male, or female, was a complete slob. For that reason i will never rent to a seriously fat person again. Im not talking a few extra pounds, im talking a lot of extra pounds.

 

Theres no way your friends wife should be anywhere close to 300 unless shes an 8 foot tall strongman competitor.

[Robert Z]

His next biggest complaint is that she's a slob. Now don't get me wrong, she is an accomplished professional. But at home [according to him] she acts like a welfare case.

[Tayken]

If i could only post pics here. My garage was filled 5 feet high with random crap, after she left it took me 10 months to see 30% of the floor. It was spilling into the basement, the spare room.

 

One weekend, thinking maybe if i cleaned the house she might be more cheery and maintain it at least, as she went to a girl guide mother daughter weekend.

 

I ran laundry 18 hours a day friday thru sunday - couldnt finish it all. Ran the dishwasher 7 times back to back. Spent the whole time cleaning and trying to organize the rest of the house while waiting for the laundry... Couldnt finish.

 

Its painfully obvious why she got fat. She wouldnt lift a finger to put a candy wrapper or empty pop bottle in the recycling. When doing the laundry i found 16 empty 2 liter cola bottles under the bed.

 

So sorry if i come across as mean but anyone who doesnt get angry at a woman whos blown up like a blimp complaining about a lack of sex and affection against that backdrop has is a few fries short of a happy meal.

 

 

Unfortunately there are many more out there like this, and some men are going to find themselves in the same boat once the allure of infatuation and sex runs dry. Beauty on the inside is most of the time a smoke screen for the nastiness inside.

 

Work ethics seems to be disappearing with current generation because of the way they've been raised....parents doing everything for them

[littleblackheart]

If i could only post pics here. My garage was filled 5 feet high with random crap, after she left it took me 10 months to see 30% of the floor. It was spilling into the basement, the spare room.

 

One weekend, thinking maybe if i cleaned the house she might be more cheery and maintain it at least, as she went to a girl guide mother daughter weekend.

 

I ran laundry 18 hours a day friday thru sunday - couldnt finish it all. Ran the dishwasher 7 times back to back. Spent the whole time cleaning and trying to organize the rest of the house while waiting for the laundry... Couldnt finish.

 

Its painfully obvious why she got fat. She wouldnt lift a finger to put a candy wrapper or empty pop bottle in the recycling. When doing the laundry i found 16 empty 2 liter cola bottles under the bed.

 

So sorry if i come across as mean but anyone who doesnt get angry at a woman whos blown up like a blimp complaining about a lack of sex and affection against that backdrop has is a few fries short of a happy meal.

 

No-one is saying that you don't have a point but you know, you loved her once and it doesn't really show.

 

 

With all due respect, it's not painfully obvious at all why she put on weight - she may have tons of unresolved issues but you two clearly weren't a match and it wasn't your job to be her saviour. Some people can do that for those they truly love; maybe you didn't have that connection, and maybe she can't have that connection with someone for a lot of reasons. That's fine, it happens. Ultimately, it's on her. Still though, you gain nothing by describing her in that way; you could still show her a modicum of respect, even if she didn't have any for herself.

[braindamage]

With a husband... if he puts on some weight - and his wife still says he is still hot and attractive ... and she initiates sex..... well then - that's it - he is hot and sexy because his wife tells him and shows him. Marriage continues on. Guys are simple this way.

 

No it's just blissful ignorance of the situation. Men aren't stupid, it's just easier to take the route of least resistance.

[Tayken]

No it's just blissful ignorance of the situation. Men aren't stupid, it's just easier to take the route of least resistance.

 

In fairness to the poster, they did say "guys", which is not how most MEN see themselves.

[braindamage]

Sorry, I don't get it. Men don't see themselves as guys? Bottomline I think men are perfectly susceptible to feel less valued because of their physique the same way they can feel crappier about their income, status, car, dicksize etc. The whole premises that men don't seen their own downsides appears limited to deep denial scenarios which occur in both genders. But searching beyond what people display on the outside the inner insecurities become obvious and present quickly with most people.

[Tayken]

My point? Guys are different from Men, not to be used interchangeably.

 

I refer to myself as a man because that is what I am

[thefooloftheyear]

Eh...

 

I guess the one thing Ill never understand is the thinking among some guys that no matter what they look like, they want their women to have bodies like porn stars...

 

If you want it, fine, just dont request something you cant produce yourself...

 

TFY

[autumnnight]

When I was overweight for a time, I was very defensive on behalf of anyone else who was overweight. Not that I have lost the weight I find myself more objective and pragmatic. Just throwing that out there.

[Anela]

When I was overweight for a time, I was very defensive on behalf of anyone else who was overweight. Not that I have lost the weight I find myself more objective and pragmatic. Just throwing that out there.

 

I'm not the woman you were referring to (about ktya), but I'm not obese. Some men love their wives, and are acted to them, no matter what. my dad is another one of those men.

[Tayken]

But how can you hate dogs????? Cats I understand, but dogs?????

 

We are a people who project. It's what we do.

 

I believe I said "can't stand".....again, they don't fit into my lifestyle and I don't particularly want to be having an animal lick my face, pick up their poo, have them stink up the house, have to deal with Vet fees (we all know people that complain about Vet fees), and what to do with them if I want to go on a trip last minute.

 

Oh before you compare them to kids (I have only 1), they are NOT and will never be kids. When it comes to kids in cars, they need seat belts, but I see people letting their dogs poke head out of the window, they also don't talk to you, and have the same effect that your kids and grand kids have on you.

 

I have dumped women that have dogs simply because I don't want to have to complicate my life with extra drama. It really is a deal breaker for me, that with a woman without a professional career,smoking and drinking excessively, and one that has made wearing jeans an everyday thing

[melodymatters]

Screw my husband ( well please don't, I'd have to kill you both ) the point is, I want to look good for ME ! I have been in many relationships and also spent years single but and I always take care of myself because looking good, and fit and attractive is VERY useful in society. Besides this marital study in the first post, there are many other studies that show that attractive people are treated better over all.

 

There's not much we can do about aging in general but staying slim and dressing well, having a good haircut all give the image of someone who takes care of themselves and is healthy and confident.

 

I am 20 yrs older than my husband but I still get hit on more than him because A) I'm a female, and thats just how that goes and B) I am still a slim, pretty, smiling blonde chick whether i'm in my 40's or not !

 

I have almost the same hair and wear the same size as I did in high school, you have to get close up on me to see the fine lines around my eyes and I LIKE it that way, married or not. I feel that my husband would love me even if I DID get fat, but I have more options being slim and attractive : He leaves me for some single mom cashier at the 7-11 who is the same age as him ? Fine ! I'll find a same age or slightly older guy who wants someone his own age who still has a lot of energy and love of life. I meet guys like that all of the time and they are usually MUCH more financially comfortable than my 20 something husband. I think that keeps us BOTH on our toes, not in an uncomfortable way, but a realistic one.

[SolG]

I think that we do have to remember that the study concludes that marriages are happier wnen the wife is THINNER than her husband, not necessarily thin. And of course there are always exceptions.

 

I've been thinking about how the creep can happen. I was reasonably lucky and lost all my post pregnancy weight purely by breastfeeding (and a lot of hair, but that's another story). But a few years later I developed very painful endometriosis and coincidently worked for a time in a high pressure office gig. Between not exercising because I didn't feel so great, sedentary time behind a desk, and grabbing less than nutritious meals on the fly, I put on 40 pounds over two years. And I didn't really notice it happening! I'd been so used to all my life never having had to really do a thing to maintain my body weight that it was inconceivable to me that this could just 'happen'.

 

I remember things getting tighter and going up a size, and just thinking meh, no biggy. It was kinda slow and insidious. The kicker came when I eventually hopped on the scales (I almost never weigh myself) and I was not far off the weight I had been when full term pregnant. It was a shock! And then I spoke to my then husband about it. I'll never forget his very cautious and careful response, 'It's not that you're unattractive honey, you're just not as attractive as you used to be'.

 

That was is. Within weeks I had an operation for the endometriosis, met with a dietician and got my sorry ass back to the gym on a regular basis. And through that process I discovered that I had marginal blood pressure and high cholesterol. Both of which faded away when I regained a healthy lifestyle.

 

I still workout a minimum of six days a week (strength and cardio) and eat very healthily. I don't diet, I just don't eat anything that's not fresh and nutritious. I actually eat five meals a day. I really love , my lifestyle, and the body it produces :-) And it has been really satisfying to watch my daughter follow in my footsteps in this respect. (If only I could get my relationship sh*t together things would be perfect.)

 

Going forward, I wouldn't even countenance a relationship with anyone who doesn't share these values.