Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The type of men I attract want a commitment from me right away. It's only been like this since I turned 27. Now I'm in my early 30s, and it's still the same. The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many". They want to lead the relationship and set the pace, which is usually faster than mine. They want me to take the girlfriend role on like 2 days into the relationship. I like to take things slow, even after sex. This always makes them mad. They turn passive aggressive, then aggressive, and then I am clueless as to what to do. This has happened more than a few times. It always ends in hurt feelings. It has happened with 5 different guys. They think I'm playing games, when in fact I'm just undecided about them. They get genuinely pissed and a few want nothing to do with me. It's frustrating enough that the only solution I can think of is to not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with, which could take a long time. Any other ideas? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kmoney85 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Are you up front about your expectations when you start dating? Unfortunately in your 30s most people have marriage on their minds and multiple dates, and sex, may cause the men your seeing to think your moving twards a log term relationship rather than casual dating. If you havent tried being up front, try that. I dont think its the type your attracting Link to post Share on other sites
Zing Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hmm what's the common denominator here? Have you ever considered maybe you should change? Why keep doing it if it's not working? Saying you "just attract this certain type of guy" is silly in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayken Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many". Errrr...nobody wants / likes to be "one of many". Anybody that says otherwise is lying. Females especially don't want there to be some other female. Perhaps you just need to communicate more with these guys? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Hmm what's the common denominator here? Have you ever considered maybe you should change? Why keep doing it if it's not working? Saying you "just attract this certain type of guy" is silly in my opinion. Sweetie, I never said I was opposed to changing myself. I am not the type to point fingers. I am a very introspective woman, which is why I posted this to begin with. I have tons of self-help books on my bookshelf. If you don't have anything constructive to add, then please move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Are you up front about your expectations when you start dating? Unfortunately in your 30s most people have marriage on their minds and multiple dates, and sex, may cause the men your seeing to think your moving twards a log term relationship rather than casual dating. If you havent tried being up front, try that. I dont think its the type your attracting I could do that. Say that I'm just going with the flow and taking my time. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
WonderWoman911 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I agree with Kmoney85 that maybe you should be upfront with your expectations when you start dating a guy.You've mentioned that this has happened with 5 guys,so there's a consistency with this that is not going in your favor. As you also stated,maybe you should hold out on sex. Not saying that you are,but maybe you're giving yourself away too soon which can possibly send mix signals to the guy. You could also be playing mind games with the guy(s).For an example wanting to spend time with him a lot then you go missing for days, then you come back around again. They may feel like you're their puppeteer which causes them to get frustrated or upset.So the best thing to do is let the guy know upfront if you just want to date for a while,no commitment, etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I've experienced this too. But more than just total commitment from the first date, they have expectations of a long term relationship from the first date. That's way too much from the beginning for me. I would just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
contact1 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Ya'll are picking some desperate men if they want a LTR commitment on the first date, yikes! Do they even know your last name at that point? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Ya'll are picking some desperate men if they want a LTR commitment on the first date, yikes! Do they even know your last name at that point? Right away, they have expectations that I should put them first and make them my priority, they're bringing up heavy topics and expressing displeasure if I disagree. It feels controlling. So maybe it's less that they're desperate but that they're really controlling. And they want the benefits of a relationship without having to work for it or invest in it. It's like the whole instant-relationship thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SomeDude16 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I'd say that it's an age thing. People of that age usually want to settle down and are probably rushing to start a family. But what do I know, I'm quite a few years away from being in that position... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Trenton100 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 (edited) Yeah well from my experiences woman are all about sending selfies getting attention posting their **** on FB to get compliments and the minute a guy wants to get serious they run off. Same **** different day. Edited December 28, 2014 by Trenton100 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Yeah well from my experiences woman are all about sending selfies getting attention posting their **** on FB to get compliments and the minute a guy wants to get serious they run off. Sane **** different day. I think that drawing a portrait after one date and expecting to be the priority after two dates will run most women off. Your expectations in dating aren't realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 I agree with Kmoney85 that maybe you should be upfront with your expectations when you start dating a guy.You've mentioned that this has happened with 5 guys,so there's a consistency with this that is not going in your favor. As you also stated,maybe you should hold out on sex. Not saying that you are,but maybe you're giving yourself away too soon which can possibly send mix signals to the guy. You could also be playing mind games with the guy(s).For an example wanting to spend time with him a lot then you go missing for days, then you come back around again. They may feel like you're their puppeteer which causes them to get frustrated or upset.So the best thing to do is let the guy know upfront if you just want to date for a while,no commitment, etc. You know, I assumed that men naturally resist commitment, so I never bring it up anymore. I assume that it's casual until we both decide to be together. I thought that was the correct thing to do. I do agree that it's best to hold out on sex. Im definitely doing that from now on. I do go missing for days! But I didn't think they would mind...I had no idea they were expecting me to call. I feel kind of bad about this. But I like to stay busy! The thing is, I do want a committed relationship. I don't want the guy to think I don't want anything down the line. I'm still going to be more vocal about where I'm at now and what I would like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 the only solution I can think of is to not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with, which could take a long time. Any other ideas? Well, unless you can figure out why you keep attracting these guys, maybe what you wrote -- "not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with" -- is like, duh, an answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Trenton100 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 I think that drawing a portrait after one date and expecting to be the priority after two dates will run most women off. Your expectations in dating aren't realistic. "Everything about you gets me." "God you're so cute" (selfie taken in underwear. selfie taken laying in bed nude.) "I love the fact you're so open and honest" (deletes all OLD profiles) So, exactly why would I have such unreal expectations? Go ahead, I have time... Link to post Share on other sites
Trenton100 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 See that's the thing, isn't it? Some of you here don't look in the mirror. You paint some of us as these needy men with high expectations without ever realizing that you're getting exactly everything you want minus commitment. It's convenient, isn't it? Oh, you'll swallow all of the compliments and give us all of the wrong impressions as long as you don't have to commit to anything. It's a joke. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SomeDude16 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Originally Posted by Vuuduu the only solution I can think of is to not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with, which could take a long time. Any other ideas? I don't have sex until I'm in a committed relationship and it works great. It's a double win. I'm with the person that I want to be with and they get to be with me. Also we can have all the sex we want. It pays off in the long run 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Right away, they have expectations that I should put them first and make them my priority, they're bringing up heavy topics and expressing displeasure if I disagree. It feels controlling. So maybe it's less that they're desperate but that they're really controlling. And they want the benefits of a relationship without having to work for it or invest in it. It's like the whole instant-relationship thing. Yes. That's what it feels like. They want insta-girlfriend before we even have established that. I actually thought the guy must be playing games. In fact, I think it's all a game. More than once a guy has demanded I start cooking immediately, which I politely declined. I did later cook him a couple dishes, but it felt forced so I stopped. This guy I was seeing also started expecting me to cook for him...I thought it was all a ploy just to get someone cooking for him, so the answer was hell no. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 Well, unless you can figure out why you keep attracting these guys, maybe what you wrote -- "not have sex with a man unless I am genuinely seeing him as someone I could be with" -- is like, duh, an answer. Thanks for that helpful contribution. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 The men I attract have big egos, and they do not want to be one of "many". ... I like to take things slow, even after sex. This always makes them mad. So tell them upfront that they have big egos -- how presumptuous of them, not wanting to be one of "many" even when it comes to sex, which you give them after what -- you mentioned two days -- is that it? -- and then you expect to disappear for days at a time -- set them straight from the get-go, and I think you'll have less of a problem with these awful types pursuing you. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 Thanks for that helpful contribution. Well, if you don't like your own good advice staring up at you in the face, maybe you'll get better advice from somewhere else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Vuuduu Posted December 28, 2014 Author Share Posted December 28, 2014 See that's the thing, isn't it? Some of you here don't look in the mirror. You paint some of us as these needy men with high expectations without ever realizing that you're getting exactly everything you want minus commitment. It's convenient, isn't it? Oh, you'll swallow all of the compliments and give us all of the wrong impressions as long as you don't have to commit to anything. It's a joke. If a woman is taking selfies in her underwear, she wants attention and admiration. Probably not a relationship. In my opinion. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 "Everything about you gets me." "God you're so cute" (selfie taken in underwear. selfie taken laying in bed nude.) "I love the fact you're so open and honest" (deletes all OLD profiles) So, exactly why would I have such unreal expectations? Go ahead, I have time... You took her seriously. That was your first mistake. Link to post Share on other sites
aggie382 Posted December 28, 2014 Share Posted December 28, 2014 If a woman is taking selfies in her underwear, she wants attention and admiration. Probably not a relationship. In my opinion. Yes!!! And this should be obvious to any man who comes across such a woman. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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