Men Wanting Total Commitment

[Vuuduu]

This is probably going to sound harsh and even pessimistic but many men, in my observation, don't give a damn and won't think twice about hurting a woman that they aren't in love with, if they feel it will get them a better woman.

 

Men have feelings, that's true, but they are totally different from women. Men don't feel as much remorse. They feel less guilt then we do. I've seen it firsthand. I've seen the very ugly sides of men in my life, and I'm not talking only about men I dated. I'm also aware of the positive sides of men.

 

All I'm saying is that these men aren't innocent victims. Some men will string a woman along for YEARS, promising her marriage and babies. They will feed a woman all kinds of BS just to get what they want. They don't care about her hurt feelings. They don't even fully understand how badly this hurts a woman.

[Maleficent]

This is probably going to sound harsh and even pessimistic but many men, in my observation, don't give a damn and won't think twice about hurting a woman that they aren't in love with, if they feel it will get them a better woman.

 

Men have feelings, that's true, but they are totally different from women. Men don't feel as much remorse. They feel less guilt then we do. I've seen it firsthand. I've seen the very ugly sides of men in my life, and I'm not talking only about men I dated. I'm also aware of the positive sides of men.

 

All I'm saying is that these men aren't innocent victims. Some men will string a woman along for YEARS, promising her marriage and babies. They will feed a woman all kinds of BS just to get what they want. They don't care about her hurt feelings. They don't even fully understand how badly this hurts a woman.

 

...still no reason for you to go around and hurt them (general you)

[Els]

This is probably going to sound harsh and even pessimistic but many men, in my observation, don't give a damn and won't think twice about hurting a woman that they aren't in love with, if they feel it will get them a better woman.

 

Men have feelings, that's true, but they are totally different from women. Men don't feel as much remorse. They feel less guilt then we do. I've seen it firsthand. I've seen the very ugly sides of men in my life, and I'm not talking only about men I dated. I'm also aware of the positive sides of men.

 

All I'm saying is that these men aren't innocent victims. Some men will string a woman along for YEARS, promising her marriage and babies. They will feed a woman all kinds of BS just to get what they want. They don't care about her hurt feelings. They don't even fully understand how badly this hurts a woman.

 

 

So the logic is that because some men mislead women, it's okay for you to mislead other men (who may or may not ever have misled women)?

[aggie382]

So the logic is that because some men mislead women, it's okay for you to mislead other men (who may or may not ever have misled women)?

 

I don't take her as saying that at all.

[Tayken]

So the logic is that because some men mislead women, it's okay for you to mislead other men (who may or may not ever have misled women)?

 

 

It's called an eye for an eye....as mentioned in the scriptures long ago. I guess some people still subscribe to it

 

Exodus 21:24

eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,

 

Leviticus 24:20

fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury.

 

Deuteronomy 19:21

Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

[salparadise]

If you take sex out of the equation, it isn't much different than being "courted" like so many generations ago. I'm not easily intimidated, on here or in real life. Not at all. I know who I am. Nobody is going to shame me. Nobody here is perfect. Nobody here has it all figured out. Please. Try again.

 

If someone is taking me out on dates, and gets mad because things aren't progressing...then it wasn't genuine anyway. I don't owe someone because he chose to take me out.

 

these men aren't innocent victims. Some men will string a woman along for YEARS, promising her marriage and babies. They will feed a woman all kinds of BS just to get what they want. They don't care about her hurt feelings.

 

I think you've made it quite apparent what the situation is, and revealed your motivations. You're taking pleasure in choosing men who are prone to becoming attached, sleeping with them to secure the attachment, then playing them against one another and achieving some kind of gratification from the fallout. And feeling rather grandiose and powerful for being able to manipulate.

 

Starting this thread pretending to be the poor victim, then cleverly revealing the sadistic nature and motivation is merely an extension of the game... reveling in it, like revisiting a body. Then you talk about feelings of remorse, but then a few lines or posts later reveal that you are devoid of conscience or remorse (look that term up in the DSM IV to find out the implications). You aren't playing by the generally accepted rules, plus you're defiant, unapologetic and sadistic.

 

The men who get pissed and never want to speak to you again are the healthy ones. I think I'd recommend in-patient treatment.

[Vuuduu]

I think you've made it quite apparent what the situation is, and revealed your motivations. You're choosing men who are prone to becoming attached, pulling their strings and sleeping with them to secure the attachment, then playing them against one another and achieving some kind of gratification from the fallout. And feeling rather callous and grandiose for being able to pull off the manipulation.

 

Starting this thread pretending to be the poor victim, then cleverly revealing the sadistic nature and motivation is merely an extension of the game... reveling in it, like revisiting a body. Then you talk about feelings of remorse, but then a few lines or posts later reveal that you are devoid of conscience or remorse (google that to see the implications).

 

You aren't playing by the generally accepted rules, plus you're defiant, uncaring and sadistic. The men who never want to speak to you again are the healthy ones. I think I'd recommend an an in-patent facility.

 

Salparadise you can believe what you want. I feel no need to sway you from your fantasy.

[Vuuduu]

I don't take her as saying that at all.

 

Exactly, I'm not saying that but they already have their minds made up about me.

[Els]

Exactly, I'm not saying that but they already have their minds made up about me.

 

So what were you saying? What was the purpose of that rant about men?

 

Also, you seem to be very defensive and evasive whenever anyone suggests making any changes, so you will forgive us for assuming that you aren't really interested in taking advice. Perhaps you could respond to my last post:

 

You really have two options here:

 

1) Stop sleeping with and cuddling men whom you're not sure you want to be in a relationship with so you don't give them wrong signals.

2) If you absolutely must have sex on the 2nd date, then explicitly tell them it doesn't mean anything. Put everything out in the open.

 

Is there a reason you think neither of these options are feasible? Why not?

[Vuuduu]

I don't take her as saying that at all.

 

It's called an eye for an eye....as mentioned in the scriptures long ago. I guess some people still subscribe to it

 

Exodus 21:24

eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot,

 

Leviticus 24:20

fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth. The one who has inflicted the injury must suffer the same injury.

 

Deuteronomy 19:21

Show no pity: life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.

 

You are way off. Quoting a bunch of scripture...*eyeroll*

 

Just because I choose to acknowledge the dark sides of men, instead of ignoring it and pretending it doesn't exist, does not mean I set out like a woman scorned for retribution. It's not an "eye for an eye". If subscribed to that, I would be out there slashing tires, busting out car windows, and spreading nasty rumors. That's the victim role.

 

Instead, I choose to learn from my experiences, and take heed of the darker sides of human nature, while also being aware of the good sides.

 

The truth is, men can and do behave badly with good women all the time. There are plenty of examples in the media. Plenty of high profile couples whose relationships can easily be studied. Sandra Bullock. Jennifer Aniston. Hilary Clinton. Rihanna. Katy Perry. Princess Diana. Halle Berry. Paula Patton. These are just some examples.

[Vuuduu]

So what were you saying? What was the purpose of that rant about men?

 

Also, you seem to be very defensive and evasive whenever anyone suggests making any changes, so you will forgive us for assuming that you aren't really interested in taking advice. Perhaps you could respond to my last post:

 

 

 

Is there a reason you think neither of these options are feasible? Why not?

 

What I'm taking into consideration from this conversation is holding out on sex until I'm serious about someone. Although I'm not sure that would change much because I usually wait until I'm comfortable with someone anyway.

 

I'm also taking into consideration being upfront that I like to take things slow when it comes to relationships. If the subject of relationships comes up, I might say that. I don't think I can bring it up first. It's just out of character for me.

 

So the conversation has been interesting, and I appreciate all the points of view.

[Vuuduu]

Be firm!

 

Tell them right up front you do not form any type of commitment with anyone easily. That you are dating. That you do not get into relationships easily.

 

Then, if they are not listening, YOU get agressive and tell them to back off if they want to see you.

 

This was good, thanks

[Vuuduu]

The older I got, the more resistant I became in trying to seek initial commitment. I've almost always never brought it up first. In fact, only once did I actually ask for it and got burned terribly.

 

There's something you are attracting about these men. I'll infer that you are a pretty attractive woman and that's why the "lock it down" mentality happens.

 

I don't know if you are dating down or at your level, but that can also have an effect on the men you are going out with.

 

Either way, as a men resistant to a firm, quick commitment, I'd love a woman who was up front with her expectations and not trying to "lock me down" right away. I have sufficient confidence to not worry whether you'd be dating several men, simply because in this day and age, it almost has to be assumed.

 

I hate the way things have become, but sometimes you have to play the game up into a certain extent. I will say this, if you take a year to engage in sex, you'll also be wasting so much time and have guys who would take you seriously will just walk away. It's not worth that kind of a wait.

 

And stop adding guys you are "dating" on Facebook. Why do people do this? It's an unwanted source of agony and anguish in the long run.

 

I thought this was very insightful.

[aggie382]

Is there a reason you think neither of these options are feasible? Why not?

 

Those options are irrelevant given everything she's already said. She can't stop having sex with men she's not having sex with in the first place.

[ktya]

I don't actually. I have to trust someone to do that. I don't judge others for how, when or who they have sex with. I feel that it's up to everyone to decide for themselves. What may be a big step to you is not the same for everyone.

 

But what I have is....even if I am exclusively dating a guy....and only seeing him and sleeping with him....even if he himself is attractive and desirable...if I am not blowing up his phone....and if I take ANY time for myself....if I show ANY signs of dis-interest...if I basically just behave like a normal woman...the guy gets all manners of insecure...thinks I'm playing games...thinks I don't care...they want total devotion...total commitment like we are married. At least that's how I see it.

 

Aha!

 

The guy had a roster. Then went exclusive with you. Then you treat him like you still have a roster, he freaks out bc he blew up his list for you.

If the guy wants to go.exclusive say NO.

 

Problem solved.

[Vuuduu]

Jesus sort of amended these. And even if he hadn't, this means that if Bob hurts me, I hurt Bob. NOT if Bob hurts me, I hurt, Steve, Tom, Will, John, etc.

 

 

Jesus sort of amended these. And even if he hadn't, this means that if Bob hurts me, I hurt Bob. NOT if Bob hurts me, I hurt, Steve, Tom, Will, John, etc.

 

Well I suppose that I should just say yes I'll play your wifey because YOU want me to, to someone I've been dating for a few months. I mean, because if a man said so, that means I should listen, to spare his delicate feelings. Forget how I feel. Forget if I'm ready or not. I was supposed to be born ready. Because I'm a woman. I should just bow down to whatever these guys want. And if he gets mad and lashes out, well it's my own fault for leading him on, making him think we were going to be together. I mean, he took me to Red Lobster. We watched movies at his house. He bought me those roses. He went to all that trouble to convince me, and I'm still not convinced. Now he's butthurt. Wow, what a monster I am. Maybe I should serve jail time.

 

Lol, sarcasm aside, I realize the whole thing is to be taken lightly and not worth obsessing over. It's not a big deal. There's a lot of threads on here with women pining after unavailable men, obsessing over their sexual history, bashing themselves and feeling hopeless...and that's not healthy either. It's not healthy to be obsessing over a man after one or two dates, and wondering if he will call. It's not healthy to be consumed with if you had sex with a man too soon, and if he's going to call you after. That does not appeal to me. I'd rather enjoy life and worry less, than commit too soon and worry more. I realize not everyone will agree, but it's how I feel. Anyway I am excited for the new year. I truly feel like moving forward.