Divorce and Reconcilliation

[Sare E]

My husband just divorced me. I left him over a year ago over issues that his 23 year old son caused. He knew why I left, but never tried to contact me. He just filed for divorce a year and a half later. Then just before the divorce I contacted him. He said that it was to late to work things out it had been a year and a half. He said that he still had feelings for me. He took me out on some dates. When he was talking about the divorce he started to cry but said he was going through with it anyway. His son had interfered in our marriage and he allowed it. I know the divorce is final but he acted like he really didn't want it. I am slowly moving on, but is it possible that he will regret this and try to work things out?

[kenmore]

Sare Hugs!!!

 

That's a difficult question. In my own experience, my wife is blaming my family (to a degree) for our troubles. If I had to put numbers on it, I'd say from her perspective our divorce is 60% my own cause, 20% my sister's, 10% my brothers, 5% my parents, 5% my daughter's, and of course I still partially blame them for the interference in our lives which made things so much harder, though I do understand my daughter's perspective. I wish we had been almost completely removed from both of our families!

 

From my perspective, I'd say it's more like 10% my cause, 10% her cause, 2.5% my sister's 1% my brother's and the rest her (abusive) parents'.

 

Sometimes I wish our family members would have just STFU, and maybe I should raise my percentage of the blame for not telling them to do so, though I did blow on them on a few occasions.

 

I do share one huge attribute with you, and that is that my wife (who is ending it) told me that she doesn't really want to go through with it but she is, and also showed major emotion when we met recently.

 

While I know she'll do it, I think she is not sure. That said, she is one of those people who will see it through just to prove a point, even if it's equivalent to "cutting her own foot off" (her analogy.)

 

All that said, obviously I can't tell you if there is a chance in your case. Many here will tell you to move on there is no chance and they're probably right. I think they have more experience in this than I do, but you must follow your heart.

 

Please don't let him F*ck with you! If he's done, let him go, but if there is hope and you want it as you seem to want to, don't be too afraid. I think some people are meant to be together and sometimes it takes a trauma to prove it!

 

Best of fortune to you!

 

Ken

[Sare E]

I suppose you are correct Kenmore, and as I said I am slowly moving on. He hasn't talked to me but once since the divorce and it was only to find out if I had some paperwork. He is one of those people that just does not talk.

He once told me that I run away from my problems while he deals with his, my response to that was "what do you think your doing when you don't talk to someone for days, weeks or months? somebody who is working to solve the problem? He didn't talk to me for 3 months.

[oldshirt]

If my wife leaves me and doesn't give me any indications on wanting to reconcile or states no conditions under which she would remain in the marriage, I would take that as her "final answer" and would break free and move on with my life too.

 

Actions speak louder than words. People are what they do and not what they say, think or feel. Leaving the marital home and not coming back after the dust has settled is one the loudest actions of all.

 

IMHO leaving the marital home and not coming back after things had settled down a day or two later was your statement of dissolution and declaration of the end of the marriage. IMHO when someone voluntarily leaves the marital home and sets up housekeeping elsewhere on an indefinate basis, you basically tear up your spouse card.

 

I'm not saying that he doesn't own any accountability in the demise of your marriage and I'm not saying that if he truly wanted your marriage to survive that he shouldn't have made an effort. But the way I see it is you left the marriage without stated conditions of your return and stayed away.

That is a very definative action. Nothing you have said above indicates that he had any reason to believe that you would return or even wanted to return.

 

 

IMHO he was within his right to legally end the marital contract and move on with his life.

[Sare E]

Well I couldn't return. He changed the locks the next day. When I left the home is was because his son also got involved with our argument. When I stood my ground and said that this was between his father and me, his son called me an "F,...ing "B" and he would not allow anyone to hurt his daddy. His father said nothing to him. The fight started because his 23 year old son said to his father and I quote "Daddy I met this 30 year old and I told her all about you, and she wants to me you and she's better then Sare". I had already said in my thread that he knew the reason why I was leaving, and he did nothing to try and fix it. I tried contacting him once and he was mean. I didn't give the whole story and I wasn't looking to be attacked. I was asking a question.

[oldshirt]

no one is attacking you, simply sharing our opinions based on the information you have given us.

 

 

My opinion is you left the marital home and set up housekeeping elsewhere. In trying to put myself into that position, if my wife left and established another living arraignment, I would proceed with divorce myself after a certain point.

 

 

Going back to the concept of actions speaking louder than words, if you husband really did change the locks the next day, that is deafening loud actions as well (are you certain he wasn't trying to lock out the son?)

 

 

To me, you both have demonstrated that each of you believe the marriage to be over and both of you have taken positive steps towards moving on with your lives.

 

 

That doesn't mean that either of you hates the other or that there aren't feelings of warmth or compassion. It means that neither of you have made a positive choice to remain in marriage together and neither of you are taking action to remain married. In fact, both of you have taken positive action to terminate the marriage and move on with your lives.

 

Your question was, is it possible he may regret it and try to work things out?

 

 

I guess anything is 'possible.' However each of you has had millions of opportunities to show remorse and reach out to reconcile but the actions that each of you has taken instead has been to move forward with the divorce and move forward with your lives without the other person.

 

 

I personally would not attempt reconciliation with a spouse that left me for a year and a half and did not reach out with an olive branch and offer conditions of return/reconciliation.

 

 

Nor would I attempt reconciliation with someone who locked me out of the marital home and never reached out with an olive branch and offer conditions for my return.

 

 

I think the real question here is, why are you even asking at this point???

[anne saxton]

Reconciliation is a possibility for those who are lingering into the thoughts of getting back together again. Reconciliation needs more understanding between you and your spouse. You need to solve all the conflicts between yourselves if you wish to reconcile again. Divorce Lawyer Los Angeles can provide you complete guidance on how to reconcile after a divorce.