CRUSHED: He has another woman at his house tonight...

[CryMeARiver]

I have been dating this wonderful new man for a couple months now and we have not had the exclusive talk...been too scared to bring it up and he hasn't. We had a nice xmas and I met one of his kids. Yesterday he called and texted sweet messages, felt like we were moving closer. Last night, something hit me and I drove to his house. A strange car was parked in front of his garage, with his car right beside it. he told me he was going to sleep and had an early day. I without a doubt know someone else is there...not a buddy or family member. I felt like I had been shot. We have a date tonight, not sure what to do.

 

 

I know in this messed up dating world, unless you have the talk all is free reign. I am now hurt and confused and wondering if he is stringing me along. I spent xmas night with him and his child and we had a great time. I want to be exclusive but not sure what will happen...can he be getting closer to me while figuring things out with other women? Is he just stringing me along? What should I say to him?

 

 

I fear losing him at this point because I felt it could grow into something. I also cant help but think all of our time together has been a practiced script, used for all women in his life. I understand men date several sometimes and decide on one sometimes...but how can I process this? I feel I will never be able to trust him; it would be very hard to be intimate with him at this point although we have not been in a couple weeks (despite spending a great deal of time together) he never initiates which was a huge red flag that made me think he was seeing atleast someone else. I am so floored and heartbroken this morning. Not sure if I should see him for dinner tonight. He will find a text from me when he gets up as I told him I was dropping off something of his on his door step. I did it in case I was caught snooping...I know, its wrong but had a strong feeling...so he will know I was there. I didn't leave anything. What should I say to him people? I don't want to lose it and cry and make demands. I am scared of what he may say to me. Why me?

[coolheadal]

Should have rang the bell and gave him the package or gift! Now it going to look like you where snooping around. What happen to the kids mother? So your telling me this guy and his kid lives at the house. So who's car is it? Ex Wife, girl friend or sister? How do you know who it is? Your in a panic mode. Cool down and relax. Are you two serious yet for you to act this way. Your not married, are you two exclusive? Is he free to see other people? Wait and see what happens next, just don't jump the off the boat just yet!

[almond]

If you are feeling the need to go driving around at night, spying on him, then this probably isn't working out either way.

 

 

It may or may not have been another woman at his house.

 

 

This relationship is not right for you, and your insecurities and resulting actions make this quite obvious. Alternatively, the relationship is okay, there was no other woman at his house, and you have some issues you need to work on before being in a relationship.

 

Both things tell me that you need to leave, and take some time for yourself to work it out.

 

 

Talk to him. You've messaged him to say you were dropping something off at his doorstep, so just run with that and ask him about the car. Tell him exactly how you're feeling, in a calm and rational way. See where it goes from there.

 

 

But honestly, I highly recommend some time alone for self-reflection etc. It's only been a few weeks with this guy...breathe...you're going to be just fine <3

[CryMeARiver]

Thanks for reply. His kid was at his house just for holidays, he only sees them every couple of weeks. He told me he was alone and going to bed, had an early day. he called and texted yesterday, overly sweet which made me wonder...so yes, I acted like a psycho. he told me from the beginning he wanted to take it slow, and most recently that he appreciated I didn't pressure him so things could happen naturally. We haven't had the talk, but I was hoping I was the only one. I cant believe he has someone in his bed right now after we just had such a wonderful holiday together. Not sure what to say or do now...is what I need advice on.

[CryMeARiver]

I understand why you all think this...but trust me. He had someone at his house. He would have told me if someone was staying over, and was just saying how no one ever comes by. This is a done deal...I saw the car parked in same spot I always park. Which is where he has me to park...

[almond]

If you are sure of what you are saying, then you need to walk. I don't get the deal with this multi-dating business, but he lied - end of. Totally unacceptable behaviour in my opinion. End it with dignity and don't let him see your tears. Walking away strong and with your head held high would leave the best impression, and likely leave him reeling.

 

 

I'd text him a simple..."lol, it was nice knowing you, but don't ever contact me again. Good luck." Then block, and never say a single thing to him ever again. Let him sit with that forever. No closure, no explanation...just walk. He will probably feel quite foolish, and so he should. Don't waste any more time and emotional energy on this than you have to. Short, sweet and to the point is what I'd recommend.

 

 

Then, onto bigger and better things for you!

[Tayken]

Last night, something hit me and I drove to his house. A strange car was parked in front of his garage, with his car right beside it. he told me he was going to sleep and had an early day. I without a doubt know someone else is there...not a buddy or family member. I felt like I had been shot. We have a date tonight, not sure what to do.

Wow....You've been dating for a few month and there is already trust issues up to the point that you decided to stalk him? That in itself is disturbing, and perhaps shows that you have unresolved issues from previous to deal with. Yes there was a car in his driveway, and according to you "it was not friends / family"...I mean how do you know this unless you know all his family and friends which I doubt?

 

What makes you think it isn't a family member that just got a new car or borrowed someone's car? If I was him and found out that you did this, I'll be dumping you so fast because I wouldn't want this sort of thing happening again moving forward. I mean what next...coming to my place of work?

Edited December 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed insult

[almond]

Wow....You've been dating for a few month and there is already trust issues up to the point that you decided to stalk him? That in itself is disturbing, and perhaps shows that you have unresolved issues from previous to deal with. Yes there was a car in his driveway, and according to you "it was not friends / family"...I mean how do you know this unless you know all his family and friends which I doubt?

 

What makes you think it isn't a family member that just got a new car or borrowed someone's car? If I was him and found out that you did this, I'll be dumping you so fast because I wouldn't want this sort of thing happening again moving forward. I mean what next...coming to my place of work?

 

 

Have you ever considered perhaps delivering your opinions in a less condescending and derogatory manner?

 

 

If you want people to take what you're saying on board, drop the eye rolls and sarcastic digs. If you're just out to criticise for your own amusement, there are other forums for that sort of stuff.

 

 

I found your post unnecessarily rude, and wouldn't be surprised if the posters you are responding to completely disregard your opinions and advice because of that fact.

 

 

Something to think about anyway

Edited December 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Raena]

Sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct. It sounds like your gut is telling you that something isn't right with this situation.

 

If you really like him and want a healthy relationship with him then you need to sit down and tell him what you are thinking and feeling. You need to know if he's still seeing other women. If he is and you aren't comfortable with that, then let it go.

 

Honestly though? It really seems like you already don't trust him and there has to be a reason for that. Either he has given you reason to not trust him, or you have your reasons for questioning his motives because of your own history. Or maybe it's something else, I don't know... but the fact that after a few months of dating and you still feel like you don't know where things are with your relationship with him is telling.

[CryMeARiver]

Takyn, most people simply dont walk around with their head up their butts all the time. Do you know the old saying? Where there is smoke, there is fire! I have been eaten up by a hunch and had to see for myself. I've been lied to, cheated on, all kinds of horrible things and have been in the dating filed a long time. This is the first person i have dated in 2-3 years. Is this right? Probably not. Am I NOT allowed to protect myself? Had I went up to door, pounded on it, and slit whoevers tires was there into a million ribbons, then YAH call me psycho! I just had a look. You are missing the point here...is this guy had someone else at his house. He lives alone, does not have company, and his kid was not there. And he TOLD me he was alone. I needed to know this before my emotions got worse! Now I am trying to figure out if I should stick it out because we are not exclusive to see if he makes that move, or to run screaming in the other direction. If I need help Mister, its from all the crap I have had to endure over years of putting my heart and soul into people who have been all the wrong types and scarring myself. I simply do not want to be blindsided again.

[mangetout]

Sometimes your intuition kicks in to protect yourself. I felt the same in the initial stages a relationship. I chose to ignore it ..unfortunately..and I gave myself years of pain by staying with a deceitful cheating man.

 

couple of months is long enough to know whether you want to date someone exclusively so if he is seeing other people then you need to talk to him and know where you stand.

 

Don't waste anymore of your time on this man if he says he doesn't want to be exclusive. Move on fast.

[mangetout]

Takyn, most people simply dont walk around with their head up their butts all the time. Do you know the old saying? Where there is smoke, there is fire! I have been eaten up by a hunch and had to see for myself. I've been lied to, cheated on, all kinds of horrible things and have been in the dating filed a long time. This is the first person i have dated in 2-3 years. Is this right? Probably not. Am I NOT allowed to protect myself? Had I went up to door, pounded on it, and slit whoevers tires was there into a million ribbons, then YAH call me psycho! I just had a look. You are missing the point here...is this guy had someone else at his house. He lives alone, does not have company, and his kid was not there. And he TOLD me he was alone. I needed to know this before my emotions got worse! Now I am trying to figure out if I should stick it out because we are not exclusive to see if he makes that move, or to run screaming in the other direction. If I need help Mister, its from all the crap I have had to endure over years of putting my heart and soul into people who have been all the wrong types and scarring myself. I simply do not want to be blindsided again.[/

 

I wouldn't worry by what this poster said. I would have knocked down that door!

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

Why were you outside his house in the first place? Is he in your neighborhood?

[Raena]

See, your last post explains it better. You've been burned before and therefore don't trust what other people say. I get it now and understand where you are coming from.

 

I think you do need to be vigilant... because yes, people lie. You do need to know where you stand.

 

I stand by what I said before though... talk to him. Sit him down and have THAT conversation. If he isn't willing to commit to dating exclusively and you aren't ok with that... then walk.

 

I think the fact that he lied to you and told you he was home alone and he obviously wasn't home alone does mean something. There is something he doesn't want you to know. Whoever it was that was there may not mean anything at all. It could have been anyone... but the fact that he told you he was alone and you saw for yourself that he wasn't? Yeah, I'd be concerned too.

[mangetout]

Wow....You've been dating for a few month and there is already trust issues up to the point that you decided to stalk him? That in itself is disturbing, and perhaps shows that you have unresolved issues from previous to deal with. Yes there was a car in his driveway, and according to you "it was not friends / family"...I mean how do you know this unless you know all his family and friends which I doubt?

 

What makes you think it isn't a family member that just got a new car or borrowed someone's car? If I was him and found out that you did this, I'll be dumping you so fast because I wouldn't want this sort of thing happening again moving forward. I mean what next...coming to my place of work?

 

I don't see this as stalking what so ever. And if this man had nothing to hide then why would he dump her?! He just needs to explain that it wasn't another women, simple. No big deal.

[mangetout]

People lie, cheat, deceive, betray. That's a FACT

[mysteryscape]

We haven't had the talk, but I was hoping I was the only one. I cant believe he has someone in his bed right now after we just had such a wonderful holiday together. Not sure what to say or do now...is what I need advice on.

 

Elsewhere you talked about how in "this screwed up dating world" all is free unless you have had the talk or something to that effect.

 

Yes, "the talk." You can be sleeping with someone, but unless you've "had the talk" and "made it official" -- signed the contract, I guess, but just be sure you realize it's not a marriage contract, that's the only one that's really a legal document -- anything goes, and if you don't like it, there's something screwed up with you. Yes, it sounds like a screwed up dating world to me. No wonder the results are so great.

 

As for your situation, I would have a forthright talk with him. He may or may not have had someone else there, if not, he should have a good explanation. He probably won't appreciate your "stalking" him (I wouldn't use that term). But unless you can restore the trust with him, I'd say you're relationship is probably damaged beyond repair anyhow.

 

Personally, I think it's best to come to an understanding of what you want and expect very early on. If it's an "exclusive" i.e. monogamous dating relationship, with or without full sex or any level of sexual activity you want, make sure you're on the same page and if not, move on.

 

From my point of view, there's nothing wrong with wanting to date one person at a time, at any level of seriousness you want, and if that's what you want, discuss it up front, early on. You will either get what you want -- in which case, move forward -- or you won't -- in which case accept that, or if you don't want to accept it, move on.

 

Since there really are no dating "rules" and since everyone follows their own rules anyway, knowingly or not -- why not follow your own deliberately and consciously?

[stillafool]

So basically you have been in a FWB relationship and didn't know it. I don't see what this guy has done wrong since you two are not exclusive and haven't had "the talk". I think you said he said he wanted to take it slow, and if he did that pretty much means he's taking his time selecting a gf. I would keep my options open to if I were you and date other men until you both decide you want to be exclusive.

[Diezel]

People lie, cheat, deceive, betray. That's a FACT

 

Well, duh. People are "human". And as they say, to "err is human".

But I can say water is wet, the sky is blue and those are all FACTS. But to say ALL people lie, cheat, deceive, betray... is an absolute and in that, an opinion just because the human condition is a variable.

 

There are two essential things that are pretty worrisome in this post and indicative of where they are both at:

 

#1: ALLEGEDLY, this guy was with someone else last night. All we have was that a car was parked in a spot. Think about it. That's IT. She didn't see someone in the window, she didn't see someone walk in or out of the house. All she saw was a parked car. (If the situation were reversed and it was a man driving past - I am almost sure a lot of the women would chalk this up to the OP being a "psycho" and not trusting his girlfriend. Let's be objective here.)

 

Now regardless of whether or not, the OP was lied to:

 

#2: OP decides that something doesn't ring true and rolls past his house to "confirm her gut instinct".

 

This relationship is already doomed. If she brings it up to him, he'll deny it. Him denying it will either be true or not. There are no other options. The problem is... if he denies it, this relationship is doomed regardless. She will either believe him and he realizes that there are underlying trust issues or he denies it and OP continues with the trust issues.

 

There is no win-win in this situation from now on.

 

And I think that's what EVERYONE posting in this thread needs to realize. There is incomplete information that has now affected the OP into an unbothered state. No matter what the truth is, it's the possibility of information and how it was achieved that has rocked this "relationship" to its core. The assumptions are running wild and everyone can draw their own conclusions, but the reality is simply this: The bond of trust is gone from this relationship in the OP's eyes.

 

Once that veil comes down, it'll never be the same.

 

And that's a FACT.

[MissBee]

Sometimes you have to go with your gut instinct. It sounds like your gut is telling you that something isn't right with this situation.

 

If you really like him and want a healthy relationship with him then you need to sit down and tell him what you are thinking and feeling. You need to know if he's still seeing other women. If he is and you aren't comfortable with that, then let it go.

 

Honestly though? It really seems like you already don't trust him and there has to be a reason for that. Either he has given you reason to not trust him, or you have your reasons for questioning his motives because of your own history. Or maybe it's something else, I don't know... but the fact that after a few months of dating and you still feel like you don't know where things are with your relationship with him is telling.

 

I totally agree.

 

In my own experience, if a relationship starts out ambiguous and I'm afraid to ask questions and be frank and the man is just all like "let's take it slow" and I'm iffing, butting and guessing, it almost never turns into anything more than casual dating. With all my serious boyfriends our desires and expectations were expressed, primarily with them being upfront early on that they indeed do want to be in a relationship and be exclusive. This always happened after several dates and never months and months. That to me is the biggest thing I need. A man can do things with you that SEEM like he's serious but I need a declaration of such and the actions. A lot of times they will either deliberately do certain things that make things seem serious or they will do stuff unwittingly and not realize the woman is reading it as serious (meeting his kids for example).

 

You therefore cannot assume anything. If this isn't a relationship where you both can discuss as adults who care for each other what you want, expect, hope for, are unhappy with and it's more about having to do drive-bys and being so afraid of what to say to him or what he will say to you and guessing about his thoughts and feelings, that to me is your gut saying you guys aren't that close in terms of open communication and part of you probably already knows what he'll say hence the fear and avoidance. I don't like that feeling, and thus my own personal standard in dating is that if we cannot be upfront about what we're looking for and if he isn't sure he wants an exclusive gf (me as his exclusive gf), then I don't take him seriously. I got hurt in the past too many times by assuming or waiting around to see if we were taking things slow but going somewhere and most times we were not. Like I said, with all the serious ones, there weren't those fears, I never felt the need to drive by their home, check up on them in any way etc. as from our first date on they were consistent and they initiated "the talk" early on and made me know they weren't seeing anyone else and wanted to focus on us to see where things go. You can take it slow while being exclusive...so to me if you are "taking it slow" and not exclusive and there is no talk of such, it's probably a smokescreen for "I like you, but not enough to be exclusive, but I'm saying we're taking it slow so I can still see you and sleep with you and enjoy your company and you'll stick around because saying I don't want a relationship or I don't know what I want sounds too harsh and you might not agree with it."

 

2 cents.

[SomeDude16]

Food for thought. He told you he wanted to take it slow, yet he introduced you to his child. Now I'm not a father but every parent I know is super protective of who they bring around their kid. Why would he go through all that if he wasn't interested?

 

 

I think you're letting your own fears get the best of you here. Everything you used to allude to him being with another woman is circumstantial. Innocent until proven guilty...

[mercuryshadow]

Another big red flag here: introducing a child to a woman he is dating but is not committed to. Maybe it's commonplace these days, but such a nonchalant mindset regarding one's own children is very disturbing.

[MissBee]

Food for thought. He told you he wanted to take it slow, yet he introduced you to his child. Now I'm not a father but every parent I know is super protective of who they bring around their kid. Why would he go through all that if he wasn't interested?

 

 

I think you're letting your own fears get the best of you here. Everything you used to allude to him being with another woman is circumstantial. Innocent until proven guilty...

 

Not every parent is super protective about who they bring around their child, that's the sad truth. I know I would be, but in reality not everyone is.

 

I had a boyfriend who more or less brought every woman around his son and that was so disturbing to me, but in his mind he would say he doesn't say they are his girlfriend and he doesn't do PDA in front of him so it's fine. He basically would say they were his friend and thought it was okay.

 

That was very irresponsible of him to me, and when he first brought me around his child, a week after dating I was uncomfortable with the quickness bu assumed it meant he was serious. He was serious about me but we broke up after some months, then he got literally 4 other gfs within the year and brought ALL of them around his child and even moved one in (they broke up 3 months later). That let me know that for him he really didn't see it as a big deal, so you cannot assume things. Which is what I told OP...people may do things that you assume are "serious" based on what you would and wouldn't do, but you are not them, so do not assume these things. A man can bring you around his kid, his mom, his dog and still not be serious. I have a cousin who literally at every family event he has some new woman, even at my grandmother's funeral! They all smile like Cheshire cats thinking they are his one true love, when we all know he is a cheater not to mention changes women like underwear...hence I wouldn't advise a woman to assume certain things mean serious if you in fact never spoke of exclusivity.

Edited December 28, 2014 by MissBee

[Raena]

Another big red flag here: introducing a child to a woman he is dating but is not committed to. Maybe it's commonplace these days, but such a nonchalant mindset regarding one's own children is very disturbing.

 

I'd have to agree. Seems like people don't really think through introducing a date to their child... some do it on the premise that they are "just a friend" but that sends the wrong message in my mind... to both the child and the adult involved.

[elaine567]

I have a cousin who literally at every family event he has some new woman, even at my grandmother's funeral!

 

Wow, that takes it to another level.

 

But you are correct, human beings are clever, some seem to assume that anything a man or women says in a relationship, must be the truth. Every loving action comes with no ulterior motive...

 

But some people tend to do things that bring them results, so if introducing the kid makes the partner feel happy and gives results, then introduce the kid.

If crying or getting upset/angry means they get their own way, then cry or become upset.

If telling her she is "the one" means more sex then tell her she is "the one".

If acting all cutesy, means he spends more money on her, then act all cutesy.

Etc. Etc.....

 

People learn what is successful and what isn't.

Not everyone is straightforward, some are fantastic manipulators and will pull any card to deceive and get their own way.