CRUSHED: He has another woman at his house tonight...

[ascendotum]

I just talked to him a while ago and he says he is NOT dating anyone else, that he has issues because of what he has been thru in the past. I have two choices, to take him at his word and let it play out a little longer, or flee.

 

Wearing my shyster lawyer hat...not dating anyone else does not mean not sleeping with anyone else. People dont date their FWBs/F-Buddies. On the positive side it means he is not considering anyone else for a serious relationship at this point in time, so you are the No.1 contender. On the negative side, he says he has issues, and is dealing with issues from the past (and that's why he is not his not his normal man-whore self). Expect that to be reason for things not working out with you in say 2 months time. Would you be happy with a STR?

[CryMeARiver]

What is an Str my dear?

[Art_Critic]

Short term relationship

[beach]

Question: on asking him about if he is dating others...and since I am too scared to do it in person lol...would it be appropriate to ask him via text or IM?

 

No. You don't get eye contact from him and you don't get to see his body language.

[beach]

Wearing my shyster lawyer hat...not dating anyone else does not mean not sleeping with anyone else. People dont date their FWBs/F-Buddies. On the positive side it means he is not considering anyone else for a serious relationship at this point in time, so you are the No.1 contender. On the negative side, he says he has issues, and is dealing with issues from the past (and that's why he is not his not his normal man-whore self). Expect that to be reason for things not working out with you in say 2 months time. Would you be happy with a STR?

 

It doesn't matter. He told her he was alone that night and going to bed early so he could work early.

 

So he lies.

 

And since he lies he's not worth seeing again.

 

You can't force him to get honest. You're wasting your time trying to make him something he's not.

[bathtub-row]

My opinion? You need to drop this guy like a bad habit, because that's exactly what he is. He has you guessing, wondering, and hopping from one emotion to the next. This guy is pure trouble and you're ignoring all of your instincts that are absolutely screaming at you right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with telling a person, "You know what? I can't really put my finger on it but something isn't right about our relationship and instead of wracking my brain to try and figure it out, I'm just going to walk away from it because this simply doesn't feel right or healthy."

 

There. If you would do that, you would save yourself years and years of misery. Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who referred to himself as a man-whore. That alone speaks volumes about him.

 

I long for the days when women stop putting up with crap from men and start expecting better behavior from them. It will be a glorious day. Although I doubt I will ever see it.

[Leigh 87]

Ok now I just believe you're just dumb if you stick around, the guys already got a history you know about to boot with drama out in the open that doesn't become exposed so easily and over nothing, if you think you're something "special" then the jokes on you...unfortunately this is why so many men find it incredibly easy to play women with half truths and excuses that don't even add up once she's developed feelings, you can't even make the right decisions even though you've got a combination of itching signs setting off your alarms...it seems as if nearly no woman can save herself from this kind of drama without some kind of absolute...and then you wonder why you get hurt.

 

If you can't be smart and make wise decisions, then you can't just blame the men when you're just letting yourself down...they're not going to come out and tell you what they're up to, just like a salesman isn't going to tell you you're paying too much, you've got to have two marbles rolling around in your head that tell you it isn't worth it and actually move on and to trust your gut, or else this Is how you waste your own time...it's silly, because even though you've learned better you may still make the same decisions and you're obviously interested in certain type of men and not using better standards for yourself....and if you're scared to communicate and mess things up then you're serving yourself up on a platter for men...you're making it stupid easy to manipulate you and that's what makes these men feel so empowered and boost their ego because of the control they have in spite of the clues that expose them and their typical agenda.

 

But nope, need to get your teeth knocked out with a sledgehammer before you finally get it through your head...it's all on you, and you're failing yourself right now.

 

Even the damn moderator moves the thread to the cheating section, even he gets it!

 

 

 

Yeah it is the woman's fault.

 

She chooses to stay with an obvious cheater.

 

People have gut feelings and instincts and.. a brain.

 

Sadly, some people choose not to operate these functions in a way that serves their best interests.

 

I know what it is like to truly fall for someone; I wouldn't overlook very clear signs that something wasn't quiet right though. No one should be that desperate to make someone love them.

[CryMeARiver]

I didn't realize my post would bring out such strong emotions.

 

 

As far as a STR...if this is a bunch of bull then I would rather it end before my attachment to him grows stronger.

 

 

I'm torn between wanting to believe him; not knowing if I am blowing this all up in my head; or if I have been out of the dating pool so long I really don't know how things work anymore. I can't believe people date multiple people...it seems so open relationship. how did things get here? I know for sure if I was for certain this was the case in my situation, I would not stand for it.

 

 

I can understand him not wanting to, after 9 almost ten weeks, be in a serious relationship. I get it...its a scary thing. Im scared too...but no hint of where he stands bothers me. Other than he is still here...

 

 

And then this incident happened. Several have said to not jump on assumptions, but without digging further how can I know for sure if its not just nerves or my sixth sense?

 

 

Best case scenario, I hope I meet this male friend he says was at his house, and he is in the automobile I saw.

[Diezel]

I'm torn between wanting to believe him; not knowing if I am blowing this all up in my head; or if I have been out of the dating pool so long I really don't know how things work anymore.

 

ALL OF THE ABOVE.

 

You don't get it. The rift is there now in your mind. When you drove past and saw the car, that bubble was broken. I'm not saying you are at fault for driving past (Although you know exactly WHY you drove past), I'm saying had you not had a certain piece of information about him going to sleep and had you not driven past the house... your world with him would be very different right now.

 

Like I said before, it doesn't matter who was at his house.

 

The doubt still exists in your mind and unless you sit down with him and have an honest communication, that seed will always be planted in your mind.

 

You need to take action and you need to do it now, one way or the other. But the fact that you feel the NEED to dig further and meet his friend to see if that car really was his friend... speaks volumes for how this relationship is going to go.

 

You've got some serious trust issues and this isn't going to go away with this guy and maybe not the next. I'd address those first before I jumped into another relationship.

[CryMeARiver]

"I'm saying had you not had a certain piece of information about him going to sleep and had you not driven past the house... your world with him would be very different right now."

 

-Totally, Diezel. Even thru my worries, I was so hopeful to that point. It is nightmarish to me.

[Diezel]

End the nightmare then. This relationship isn't what it used to be, at least not for you. Dating doesn't need to be this hard, SPECIALLY in the beginning.

[CryMeARiver]

Not much of an update, but we did spend NYE together, and he was there for the midnight kiss. Guess that's positive that he wasn't somewhere else, still no clarity.

[beach]

Not much of an update, but we did spend NYE together, and he was there for the midnight kiss. Guess that's positive that he wasn't somewhere else, still no clarity.

 

Did you point blank ask him if he lied to you about that night?

 

If not, why are you avoiding finding out his truth?

[CryMeARiver]

Yes, I asked him who was there. He said a male friend...I asked if he was telling me the truth. He said he would try to get his friend to meet me before he went back home to prove to me. That has not happened. I asked him if he was dating anyone else...he said: Not dating anyone, I feel weird about people since all I have went thru in the past.

 

 

I still feel very unsettled. Have major feelings for this guy...but with the lack of verbal commitment I am in an uproar.

 

 

I still cant help but to feel he lied. I know there is no exclusive talk...

[loversquarrel]

Scary as hell to drive by someone's home, which I'm guessing is relatively close to her own, based on a gut feeling? I swear there are some men who troll these boards looking to make women feel bad. I've done the same thing in the past and I'm sure other women reading this have, too. Is it a sign of insecurities and relationship issues? Sure. But "scary as hell"... Nope.

 

Also... How does a car ride and some worries = this relationship being the center of her life?

 

...But if it was a guy doing the same with no exclusivity and only a few months of dating most of the women here would probably be screaming restraining order.

[elaine567]

...But if it was a guy doing the same with no exclusivity and only a few months of dating most of the women here would probably be screaming restraining order.

 

NO they wouldn't, because it is a valid concern for anyone male or female to investigate, if something doesn't sound quite right.

He told her he was alone, she finds out he wasn't.

The OP doesn't want to be one of a string of women sleeping with this guy, she is protecting herself and has every right to do so.

Exclusive talk or not, if a red flag presents itself, only a fool would ignore it.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I asked him who was there. He said a male friend...I asked if he was telling me the truth. He said he would try to get his friend to meet me before he went back home to prove to me. That has not happened. I asked him if he was dating anyone else...he said: Not dating anyone, I feel weird about people since all I have went thru in the past.

 

 

I still feel very unsettled. Have major feelings for this guy...but with the lack of verbal commitment I am in an uproar.

 

 

I still cant help but to feel he lied. I know there is no exclusive talk...

 

Do you have trust issues overall? Or is it just with him because of this one incident.

 

Look, he has told you a few times now what happened, either you believe him or you don't. If you can't get past this, your relationship is doomed. You'll always have it in the back of his head he's cheating on you and you might find yourself driving by his house more often to check up on him and that's not right at all.

 

Have ONE more talk with him, lay it all out on the line, how you feel, how scared you are because of your feelings for him. Be honest, speak from your heart but don't keep accusing him of lying to you.

[beach]

The guy lies.

 

Why are you even wasting your time with him?

 

You know someone was there with him yet he said originally that he was alone. So even IF it was a guy - he wasn't alone.

 

He lies - there's no way to get any truth now because he can't be trusted.

[SunnySide0418]

OP - at this point why not just ask about being exclusive? You're not seeing anyone else, he's supposedly not so .... this is going to drive you crazy and doesn't bode well for a successful future. If he says he is unwilling to be 'exclusive' then i would have to walk. JMO.

[loversquarrel]

NO they wouldn't, because it is a valid concern for anyone male or female to investigate, if something doesn't sound quite right.

He told her he was alone, she finds out he wasn't.

The OP doesn't want to be one of a string of women sleeping with this guy, she is protecting herself and has every right to do so.

Exclusive talk or not, if a red flag presents itself, only a fool would ignore it.

 

Ok.....where did I mention in this post that she shouldn't

Look into this???

 

My opinion on the matter is if you aren't in an exclusive relationship then you can't expect it to be a faithful one. Did he lie? Probably, is he playing her? Probably. She has more than enough red flags here telling her it probably isn't a good situation. She snooped on him, and lied about stopping by to drop something off. They lied to each other and they are only 2-3 months into dating. This is a problem. She also hasn't addressed her ultimate concern of wanting exclusivity, this being a lack of communicative skills.

 

OP, you are letting this game continue. Show yourself some self respect and be confident with him by being upfront and communicating what you want. You also have to show strength by showing the ability to walk away if that need isn't being met.

[loversquarrel]

Regardless of what others here have said about him lying to you, you still have to tell him what it is you want. If you don't tell him (seems you have had ample opportunity) then you are failing yourself.

 

If you were my friend, I would tell you to walk away from this one. Lying or not he is playing a game. two months of dating and you are head over heels....but what are you to him?? There is just too much imbalance here and not enough maturity for this to be what you want it to be. He isn't man enough to just tell you outright what he's looking for and you haven't been enough of a strong, confident woman to tell him what it is your looking for.

 

A strong, confident women would weed a guy like this out within a five minute conversation because he is not a strong, confident man. Being forthright and honest is an indicator of unwavering confidence. All you need to do is respect yourself, know what you want and be ready to walk.

[CryMeARiver]

Loversquarrell...you are totally right. As far as maturity? I am in my 40's. I have pretty much been through it all...been cheated on, left for other women, pulled a BF out of a car with another woman one time...you name it! I also lost a love to death. A pile of these things made me be fearful not to date for a long time.

 

 

This guy shows up, extremely sweet and complementing, somehow different. I decided to give it a chance as I had just been praying to God if there was someone out there, send them. Now did I jump at this guy because of my prayer? No. It just felt right...

 

 

But after 2-3 weeks of getting intimate, he pulled the reigns in some and wanted to take it slow. Let things develop naturally. I think the reason I have not had the talk is he said in the beginning that when he has dated girls in past, they immediately asked him how he felt about them and he'd say "I don't know yet Im just getting to know you!" so he said he appreciated me not pressuring him. Therefore...I am to a point I feel if I say anything it will be pressuring. Messed up, but true. I am also scared if it could be heading to something that would run him off. OR...Id hear something terrible.

 

 

As far as me being a stalker...everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I don't think it was right, but not stalking. It was a once time thing. Now...the doubt is there...

[CryMeARiver]

Update: night before last he came over...spent night and all day with me till I went to work. we went out for lunch and a little shopping. Very sweet etc...said he was going to meet up with this friend who was at his house. He sent me a pic of the guy tonight, looked like they were at a restaurant. I sent message back and said "send me a pic of his car now LOL" and he said sure, and nothing else. Of course I am worried he is with someone tonight...haven't heard anything. I think what is hindering me in all this is fearful to lose him or the possibility. He is very closed on how he feels about me. I do not know how to ask him...but I know I am going to have to! I am not going to contact him today, even if he contacts me...and wait till he seems eager to talk/ not the generic hows your day going texts etc...

 

 

Im on cloud nine when I am with im then anxious when he is gone. No way to live.

[Million.to.1]

I think the terms you are using are confusing the situation further. When you asked him if he is "dating" anyone else, he said no, which is probably true.

But what you should have asked is if he is sleeping with anyone else.

 

If that was a woman at his house, it was a FWB or a f#*k buddy. He would not consider that to be someone he is dating. As you are not exclusive and only in early stages of dating, of course he would not be sharing this with you. It's not really right or wrong IMO. He did lie about being alone, but he was not under any obligation to be straight with you as that point, especially if he had a regular thing going with a FWB and was "seeing how thing went" with the two of you before putting an end to that.

 

 

If exclusivity is important to you and you want honesty, stop sleeping with him.

He has said he wants to take things slow and let them develop naturally. That's understandable. But you have trust issues and that's also understandable given your past.

 

My advice is to stop sleeping with him and tell him you are unable to be intimately involved with anyone unless it's exclusive. You are happy to continue to date if he wants to take things slow, but sex is off the table.

Then the ball is in his court and you have stated your needs clearly and there is no more confusion. It's "dating" or an "exclusive sexual relationship" not both.

 

At the moment, your fear is dominating this entire experience.

[elaine567]

The exclusivity talk is not the commitment talk.

The exclusivity talk is about intimacy and sex, it is NOT about living together, marrying or dying in each others arms.

 

ATM you just need to know, first of all, if he is sleeping with other people.

That is not a "putting him under pressure" talk.

This is you just wanting to know the facts of the matter and you can then deal with them how you see fit.

 

You are not asking "Do you love me?", or "Am I the one" or any other deep stuff, you are merely asking, is he sleeping with other people?

The exclusivity talk is no big deal, and you should have had that before you started sleeping with him.

 

Whether he sees this as a long term thing or a short term thing, or whether he loves you or not is immaterial at this stage.