CRUSHED: He has another woman at his house tonight...

[CryMeARiver]

Hi Beach...we go out to eat weekly. We have been out to movies, and he took me out last month for his birthday with cousins to some bars and to eat. Sometimes I see him and we don't have sex, we just cuddle. We have spent all but one weekend together since we met just three months ago, and like I said often I am the one initiating. So, I don't fixate too much that he is just using me for sex as we spend much more time talking, hanging out, etc. I could very well take sex off the table and don't think it would be an issue for him, other than he would notice that I stopped initiating. Does this make sense?

[CryMeARiver]

I dont know if this is important info or not but will also throw out there: we met and talked for a couple weeks before we actually went out; I stayed over at his place and we had sex the next morning. Yikes, I know. Too fast for me. he seems to have calmed with being avid toward me sexually but seems to be trying to get to know me more. we spend hours upon hours talking when we are together, and watch movies together either at my place or his. I have cooked for him once, and he has cooked for me several times. I have only paid for dinner a couple of times when I forced him to, he insists on paying.

 

Ill be honest, I have read tons of articles online like "Is he a player" or "is he stringing you along". One recurring theme is that a player will not call, disappear for days, or just text sporadically. There is only twice in three month span I did not hear from him for a day (of course I was worried!) and I did not initiate text with him as to not appear to eager. He texts every day and calls several times a week. His text are not super affectionate...usually how is your day? how is work? or things like that.

 

But the problem is with his past and knowing he has been a sleep around guy. I dated a man once I found out harshly he was a player...he tried to start breaking up at about three months. I asked him why he put in the effort in me and he said point blank he was just trying to get into my pants. this was at the four month mark. But by a couple of months I felt him pulling back. i have not felt pulling back from this guy, but rather perhaps not moving as fast as I want. And then the issue of this car...which was provoked by fear of not knowing what he was doing when I was at work. he lives about a thirty minute drive from me.

[Leigh 87]

No... Leaving the car incident aside (I do think he lies), he's using logic too much, I feel that he is certainly not crazy about you.

 

 

 

 

Yes. He certainly isn't smitten.

 

I promise. .like..I 100% guarantee that when a man is head over heels, he NEVER, after 3 or 4 months, says things like " well we are still getting to know one another, let's just see if we can handle the good and the bad before we call each other boyfriend and girlfriend"

 

Look it is as clear as day that this guy is just keeping her around for sex and company.

 

The OP is confusing the " company" part for a deeper connection.

 

It is one sided. OP is gagging to be his girlfriend and start a serious relationship. The guy is totally not into her and he's just having fun until the woman who knocks his socks off comes along.

[Leigh 87]

Hi Beach...we go out to eat weekly. We have been out to movies, and he took me out last month for his birthday with cousins to some bars and to eat. Sometimes I see him and we don't have sex, we just cuddle. We have spent all but one weekend together since we met just three months ago, and like I said often I am the one initiating. So, I don't fixate too much that he is just using me for sex as we spend much more time talking, hanging out, etc. I could very well take sex off the table and don't think it would be an issue for him, other than he would notice that I stopped initiating. Does this make sense?

 

That's great.

 

I've had a FWB who took me out for meals, insisted on paying, talked with me for hours, got me to stay with him the night before his best friends funeral in order to comfort him..He contacted me daily.

 

What this guy is doing isn't meaningful.

 

If he was into you he'd have asked to use labels like boyfriend and girlfriend by month one or two at the latest.

 

I've had a guy like him. For nearly 3 years. This guy avoided labels. He stuck with me because he didn't have a year better options and he liked me as a person. It never gets better - these no label guys never " grow " to feel crazy or passionate about us. They just don't.

 

He'll either leave u when a girl he likes better comes along, or he will stay with you for a year or maybe more until he realizes that something is missing... and he'll leave on his own accord.

 

He'll probably also cheat on you if he settles for you, a woman he's lukewarm about. He's proven he's a liar.

 

If your gut feelings and instincts were not screaming alarm bells at you, you wouldn't be here.

[elaine567]

.would a man really invest effort in me if he was stringing me along?

 

Yes, of course.

I am not saying this man is definitely a player, but a player likes to do just enough to keep his women interested and still in his "stable".

So for some women that may be just loads of sex, for other women it is the occasional meal out, for others it may be gifts, or talks or cuddles or even just being there to eat the meals SHE has cooked for HIM... etc. etc.

 

BUT there is never any real commitment from him, as he has all his other women to tend to. He just keeps the plates spinning in the air.

Whatever it takes to keep a woman on board he will do, within reason of course.

Many women are complicit in this, they lie to themselves, "he doesn't wasn't to commit due to x, y an z" and excuse him, when it is obvious he doesn't commit, because he doesn't want to.

 

SO basically the player gets all the good bits of being in relationships, ie being taken care of by mostly even-tempered women, who do their best to please because their ultimate aim is to get him to commit.

BUT as soon as any nastiness surfaces, he can pull the "but I never said we are exclusive" or "I never said I was committed to you." card and if she persists, he will replace her.

 

CryMeaRiver - If this was a normal everyday guy I think we would all be a bit more understanding of his ways, but the fact he is a self confessed man-wh0re, makes us all very cynical of his motives here. Be careful.

[veggirl]

you've been dating for THREE MONTHS and he isn't ready to be official???

 

he's stringing you along, 100%.

[kendahke]

Is this guy your last chance at romance?

[kendahke]

you've been dating for THREE MONTHS and he isn't ready to be official???

 

he's stringing you along, 100%.

 

Yep.

 

I once had a therapist tell me that by the age of 28, adults know within 3 months that they want exclusivity with the person they're dating. If this guy isn't telling you that he wants exclusivity with you, then he doesn't want exclusivity with you, but he'll take the convenient kitty any time you're willing to give up the pink.

 

The fact of the matter is: if he wants other women, then he's set up the latitude for him to do so. If you decide to swarm him or back off completely, it's not going to matter to him because he's not invested like you. He'll continue to keep you at bay.

 

You're acting like someone who has no options in who you're dating. How come he's the only man you're seeing? I'm not saying having sex with, I'm saying dating and getting to know them. There is no reason why you're not dating other men or at least making some kind of an effort so that you're not obsessing over this guy.

 

He cannot be your only option.

[ascendotum]

How much younger is this guy?

I know of heaps of younger M older F relationships and far and away they are flings or fwb. If the guy is more than 5 yrs younger and a womanizer (who is in a little bit of an emotional slump at the moment), then I think she really should hose down her expectations of a lovey dovey LTR and expect its likely not progress anymore than what it is and enjoy it in that context

[snowflakes88]

I have to agree with the others, OP. I think there's about a 0% chance this doesn't end with you getting your feelings hurt. And I'm always puzzled when a woman is comfortable sharing her body with a man, yet afraid to raise the issue of commitment. Does not compute.

[elaine567]

I have to agree with the others, OP. I think there's about a 0% chance this doesn't end with you getting your feelings hurt. And I'm always puzzled when a woman is comfortable sharing her body with a man, yet afraid to raise the issue of commitment. Does not compute.

 

CryMeaRiver doesn't I guess have the self esteem to confidently lay her needs and wants on the table

She is too scared to do that, as I think deep in her heart of hearts she knows this relationship is doomed.

Mention real commitment and my guess is that he wil not be seen for dust.

So she is willing to accept any tidbits thrown in her direction, rather than risk him going away all together.

BUT it is killing her too.

[michellew]

Could it be possible it simply takes some men longer to come to self terms to be exclusive and cut out the other side dishes?

 

What does it matter? When others originally suggested that two months was too soon to be exclusive and it shouldn't matter if a "side dish" was at his house, you argued that it should matter because he basically acts like a boyfriend.

[CryMeARiver]

Welp, how is this for you?

 

 

I went over to his house the other night after work, had mentioned I might be coming just to sleep since I had a bad day. When I got there, I could not raise him. I called several times and knocked on the door, texted, etc. I noticed a car similar to the one I saw a while back near his car and FREAKED! I stayed until I almost froze and said HELL NO! I am going to see who the hell is in there! So I went back one last time and pounded hard like the Police! Finally, I hear the lock click and door open...and its him. I say "are you alone?" and he is apologizing saying he took an ambien and thought he was dreaming when he heard the knocks. He also laughed at me and I felt like a huge horses ass. He hugged me, we both laughed and we cuddled the rest of the night, and he threw in a few jokes before going comatose again about someone being there. SO...while I appreciate the advice here...it helped in firing me up and making a huge ******* out of myself! The car there that night was evidently at a neighbors. Thankfully that didn't make him throw in the towel and we are going out to dinner tonight. to be continued...

[bathtub-row]

That's great that it wasn't someone else with him but, if it had been me, I wouldn't have jumped to conclusions like that.

 

So, when you said you were coming over, did he reply to you?

[kendahke]

So she is willing to accept any tidbits thrown in her direction, rather than risk him going away all together.

BUT it is killing her too.

 

death by a thousand cuts...

[whichwayisup]

Welp, how is this for you?

 

 

I went over to his house the other night after work, had mentioned I might be coming just to sleep since I had a bad day. When I got there, I could not raise him. I called several times and knocked on the door, texted, etc. I noticed a car similar to the one I saw a while back near his car and FREAKED! I stayed until I almost froze and said HELL NO! I am going to see who the hell is in there! So I went back one last time and pounded hard like the Police! Finally, I hear the lock click and door open...and its him. I say "are you alone?" and he is apologizing saying he took an ambien and thought he was dreaming when he heard the knocks. He also laughed at me and I felt like a huge horses ass. He hugged me, we both laughed and we cuddled the rest of the night, and he threw in a few jokes before going comatose again about someone being there. SO...while I appreciate the advice here...it helped in firing me up and making a huge ******* out of myself! The car there that night was evidently at a neighbors. Thankfully that didn't make him throw in the towel and we are going out to dinner tonight. to be continued...

 

I hope after this you chill out. Make a decision to either let go of your jealously issues and worries with him , enjoy getting to know him and having a R with him, or end it. You cannot freak out every time you see a car in his driveway (if you drive by a lot to check up on him).

 

Time for that chat with him too. Either you two are exclusive and no dating or sleeping with others or you're gone. No sharing or dating others.

[kendahke]

Welp, how is this for you?

 

 

I went over to his house the other night after work, had mentioned I might be coming just to sleep since I had a bad day. When I got there, I could not raise him. I called several times and knocked on the door, texted, etc. I noticed a car similar to the one I saw a while back near his car and FREAKED! I stayed until I almost froze and said HELL NO! I am going to see who the hell is in there! So I went back one last time and pounded hard like the Police! Finally, I hear the lock click and door open...and its him. I say "are you alone?" and he is apologizing saying he took an ambien and thought he was dreaming when he heard the knocks. He also laughed at me and I felt like a huge horses ass. He hugged me, we both laughed and we cuddled the rest of the night, and he threw in a few jokes before going comatose again about someone being there. SO...while I appreciate the advice here...it helped in firing me up and making a huge ******* out of myself! The car there that night was evidently at a neighbors. Thankfully that didn't make him throw in the towel and we are going out to dinner tonight. to be continued...

 

Is this guy you're last chance at love? It seems like you're a bit too thirsty and willing to drink from his cesspool.

[Jessie1231]

Definitely get rid of him now before it is even harder once you're more attached. I wish I had followed my gut and "stalked" my last boyfriend late at night to see if he was home alone. It would have saved me lots of crying once I found out enough of his lies to finally give up on him. If he said he was going to bed early, it was only to give himself a reason for not texting while he was with this other woman. If you want to make sure, ask him a simple question like whether he was able to catch up on sleep the night before. If he says yes, you'll know for sure he's a liar. If he says something like no, my sister surprised me by showing up, well then maybe he's not the horrible person I'm making him out to be.

[Rko28]

You know review websites? like holiday ones etc? When you read them then you read mainly bad reviews. Why? because people are more willing it seems to write bad things rather than good. I think the same can be said of forums like this.

In the main you're only going to get the bad things as we are all drawn here for similar reasons and in similar scenarios.

 

That's not knocking the site at all, just my opinion.

 

Id be interested to see how this works out for you as I think myself and the OP are very similar, hurt in the past and now finding it hard to separate genuine gut feelings with things that are absurd.