CRUSHED: He has another woman at his house tonight...

[mysteryscape]

This whole thread -- the OP, the responses and the acrimony between OP and responders and between responders themselves -- shows the coarse, sad, disordered, bruising state of romantic life and relations between the sexes in the United States in the first part of the 21st century.

 

It's fun to imagine trying to make a romantic comedy movie starry, say, Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman today!

[SycamoreCircle]

This whole thread -- the OP, the responses and the acrimony between OP and responders and between responders themselves -- shows the coarse, sad, disordered, bruising state of romantic life and relations between the sexes in the United States in the first part of the 21st century.

 

It's fun to imagine trying to make a romantic comedy movie starry, say, Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman today!

 

Hollywood has never relied on the true conditions of romance to churn out product.

[Rydo]

This whole thread -- the OP, the responses and the acrimony between OP and responders and between responders themselves -- shows the coarse, sad, disordered, bruising state of romantic life and relations between the sexes in the United States in the first part of the 21st century.

 

It's fun to imagine trying to make a romantic comedy movie starry, say, Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman today!

 

I'm not from the united states... Does that make ky dating life good?

[michellew]

It's only been two months and you haven't had an exclusivity talk...I don't think he did anything wrong. I know it hurts because of the time you've invested in him, but until you become exclusive, both of you are free to see other people.

 

If he is dating other people, you still have girlfriend potential. If you start acting this way now, you are going to scare/push him away. Right now the best thing you can do is be cool and collected.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Obvious facts aside, I don't get a good feeling from this.

You caught him in a lie red handed, it's not a feeling of bliss.

Defining what a stalker is, and what constitutes exclusivity,

isn't at all the point of him lying about it, possibly out of proclivity!

 

The simple fact is, he lied to you.

He said he was alone when in fact that isn't true.

Sure he may be a great guy, for all that you know,

But excuses run deep when a liar is caught red-handed though.

 

He's already shown you a red flag, regardless of the delivery,

So don't put your eggs in 1 basket, don't dwell in the misery,

Go out on other dates, make this guy an option for you too,

He'll either come chasing quick...or let you be, and good riddance too.

[Redhead14]

Obvious facts aside, I don't get a good feeling from this.

You caught him in a lie red handed, it's not a feeling of bliss.

Defining what a stalker is, and what constitutes exclusivity,

isn't at all the point of him lying about it, possibly out of proclivity!

 

The simple fact is, he lied to you.

He said he was alone when in fact that isn't true.

Sure he may be a great guy, for all that you know,

But excuses run deep when a liar is caught red-handed though.

 

He's already shown you a red flag, regardless of the delivery,

So don't put your eggs in 1 basket, don't dwell in the misery,

Go out on other dates, make this guy an option for you too,

He'll either come chasing quick...or let you be, and good riddance too.

 

Calling him out for what is a harmless lie, is not the issue. He is free to date others Period. If I am dating others, I don't tell one of them that I am seeing someone else on a particular night. It's none of their business. He didn't have to say anything, which may have been better, but he didn't do anything wrong per se, he spared her feelings.

 

And, she should go out on other dates herself. If he comes calling and she's not available as often, he'll step things up if he wants that with her.

[mrs rubble]

I don't get why (mainly guy's) feel the need to multi-date. I find it ickky! My guess is it's just an ego booster, "how many chicks can I pull" type of thing?

I dated a couple of guys who did that when I was single.

The first one, I didn't realize was multi-dating until a misplaced comment made by him filled me in. My immediate reaction was "eeew!" I told him, that I only ever saw one man at a time. He became exclusive with me following that convo. The relationship didn't last anyway!

Second guy was very open about it from the beginning and said he was seeing others. So I decided to as well. Then I met a man who adored me and didn't want me to be seeing others, so I said goodbye to Mr Multi, who begged me to pick him/ not give up on our free arangement. I didn't. I went with the man who adored me and only wanted to be with me, and I'm still with him and very happy. I still hear from Mr.Multi. now and then, He's in an exclusive relationship now, but he's still try's to pull the girls.

I'd be very, very wary of a multi dater.

[ascendotum]

It's only been two months and you haven't had an exclusivity talk...I don't think he did anything wrong. I know it hurts because of the time you've invested in him, but until you become exclusive, both of you are free to see other people.

 

If he is dating other people, you still have girlfriend potential. If you start acting this way now, you are going to scare/push him away. Right now the best thing you can do is be cool and collected.

 

I totally appreciate multi-dating but at 8 weeks in and maybe say 8-12 dates + number of sex sessions + giving off a lot of sweet bf/gf behavior its getting to the point that it could reasonably be inferred. I know people here will say anythings up for grabs until the "exclusivity talk" but after some point of time that cover for sleeping around up to the last minute can come off as like some shyster lawyer loophole crap talk. Technically its not cheating yeah, but a lot of prospects would still walk away now knowing this extra bit of info on the person's mindset.

 

I personally don't think she did anything too bad and it pays to do a little detective work (nothing extreme when its not a relationship though) if some things are a bit suspicious to give you more information so you know where you stand. In this case she got more information but its not really conclusive of anything, and I think she is jumping to conclusions (unless she spied through the window and saw more but doesn't want to say). I think telling him its over and to get lost and blocking him is rude. Sure she can take no chances and call things off but be polite about it. Since she really likes him it might just pay to dial back her enthusiasm that she is no sure thing for this guy, both in her mind and with her interactions until they discuss their status more.

 

As for stalker...a lot of women play fast and loose with the word creep and stalker when it comes to men. I hate double standards too, which is why I think she opens herself to this branding. If its good enough for a man doing this to be considered stalker then it applies to her too.

[michellew]

I agree that it can be inferred, but OP mentioned that he wanted to take it slow and appreciated the lack of pressure from her. To me this leaves no room for inferring they are exclusive. What it can mean is that he is still keeping his options open until he knows she's it for him. If he is already on the fence and not wanting to be pressured, then her assumptions about another woman can damage the relationship potential.

[whichwayisup]

How did your dinner go?

 

Other than the car in the driveway and you assume the worst, that he had another woman sleep over, has he given ANY reason to doubt him?

 

He told you it was guy, believe him until you find reason not to.

 

He also isn't obligated to tell you all details of his life, I mean maybe a buddy popped by, had a drink or two and decided not to drive home. For all you know (before he told you it was guy) it could have been his brother, mother, cousin etc visiting from out of town.

[Redhead14]

I totally appreciate multi-dating but at 8 weeks in and maybe say 8-12 dates + number of sex sessions + giving off a lot of sweet bf/gf behavior its getting to the point that it could reasonably be inferred. I know people here will say anythings up for grabs until the "exclusivity talk" but after some point of time that cover for sleeping around up to the last minute can come off as like some shyster lawyer loophole crap talk. Technically its not cheating yeah, but a lot of prospects would still walk away now knowing this extra bit of info on the person's mindset.

 

I personally don't think she did anything too bad and it pays to do a little detective work (nothing extreme when its not a relationship though) if some things are a bit suspicious to give you more information so you know where you stand. In this case she got more information but its not really conclusive of anything, and I think she is jumping to conclusions (unless she spied through the window and saw more but doesn't want to say). I think telling him its over and to get lost and blocking him is rude. Sure she can take no chances and call things off but be polite about it. Since she really likes him it might just pay to dial back her enthusiasm that she is no sure thing for this guy, both in her mind and with her interactions until they discuss their status more.

 

As for stalker...a lot of women play fast and loose with the word creep and stalker when it comes to men. I hate double standards too, which is why I think she opens herself to this branding. If its good enough for a man doing this to be considered stalker then it applies to her too.

 

I know people here will say anythings up for grabs until the "exclusivity talk" but after some point of time that cover for sleeping around up to the last minute can come off as like some shyster lawyer loophole crap talk. Technically its not cheating yeah, but a lot of prospects would still walk away now knowing this extra bit of info on the person's mindset.

 

If the man has not brought up exclusivity and they have been intimate, the woman should at least self-impose exclusivity until she knows for sure he is the one she wants to try and make it work with. If he hasn't brought it up by at least 1 month of intimacy, she needs to make it clear to him that she hasn't been seeing others and hasn't been intimate with anyone else and then say what she wants for herself in general and let him then say what it is he wants. This is not loophole, this is protecting herself. Someone has to do it, she has some control over the situation.

 

Not only that, the discussion should have been brought up prior to intimacy, this is where things go badly but it happens. The only way to deal with it in that case is to hit the reset button. Tell the man that you like him, what you are looking for in general out of dating and take the opportunity for sex out of the picture for a while if he says he doesn't know if he wants that with her yet and she still wants to see him (don't actually say sex is off the table, just don't stay over, etc because you need to be home for whatever reason). If he continues to see you without the intimacy, he is likely hoping for more out of the relationship. 9 times out of 10, when she opens this discussion though, he will cut her loose right then and there. If he doesn't, there's still some hope.

[CryMeARiver]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. I have read each and everyone and taking all into account. On the stalker issue...I can understand where some of you see where it is wrong. Am I proud of it? No. My worry is getting my heart ripped out again...I think where I have built this up is the fact I have been cheated on and found out in the most harsh of ways...blindsided. Also, this man being younger and has told me his history...self admitted "man whore" and I cant help but to worry I am another notch in his belt. he is putting in the time and effort, but again...no clarity on where this is going.

 

He tells me it was a male friend that was at his house. The story doesnt add up at all...and I am not buying it. he told me I should have knocked on the door etc, easy to say after the fact. What is troubling to me is that he says he never had company, and although we discuss most of what is happening he never said he had a friend in or staying the night.

 

I sort of had a talk with him after dinner; I stayed over at his house and was sick in my stomach most of the time I was there. I looked for signs and didnt see anything much that someone else had been there although in the past I found he had hidden some eyecream and my toothbrush where sometimes it is just laying out where I left it.

 

I told him I was bummed seeing the car there and it hurt. I told him if he was dating a bunch of different people that I didnt want to be a part of that. He said he could understand...but did not say he wasnt seeing others. He said I was just left with assumption. Also the fact a couple weeks ago a girl I knew from school sent me a message on face book and told me about his past and how he had hurt her...he became very angry and deleted and blocked her...and he said since she had just done such a thing and for me to see a strange car at his house he understood why I would think it.

 

I still think it was another woman as he didnt try overly hard to convince me otherwise other than saying he would try to get this guy to come and meet me; we all know buddies will cover for each other. I am still left in the dark wondering what his feelings are for me and if this is something serious to him. Just feeling sick and stressed over the whole thing. I do want something with his man, but yes, I dont trust him because of his age and also his past. He told me of a relationship a couple years ago where he was dating someone and her family saw him out at a restuarant on a date with another woman. He was angry with the family for telling the other girl eh was dating, not understanding why they would be upset when she thought there was something between them.

 

I really dont know how to evoke the exclusive talk. I wonder why he is not doing it. All i know is he is still here. Would he be putting in the effort to call and text daily if I am just one of many>

[Clay]

I think if you don't feel like he is being honest with you then you are probably right. Why move forward with someone you have doubts about. There are much better people out there and will be a better fit for you.

 

In other words. Why settle for less.

 

 

Clay

[mysteryscape]

I'm not from the united states... Does that make ky dating life good?

 

Sorry, what is "ky"?

 

I mention the U.S. only because that is where the OLD stuff started, along with much of the other new romantic norms. I expect the new ways will take over the world soon enough. Perhaps there will be something positive from outside the U.S. I'm not holding my breath though.

[SunnySide0418]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. I have read each and everyone and taking all into account. On the stalker issue...I can understand where some of you see where it is wrong. Am I proud of it? No. My worry is getting my heart ripped out again...I think where I have built this up is the fact I have been cheated on and found out in the most harsh of ways...blindsided. Also, this man being younger and has told me his history...self admitted "man whore" and I cant help but to worry I am another notch in his belt. he is putting in the time and effort, but again...no clarity on where this is going.

 

He tells me it was a male friend that was at his house. The story doesnt add up at all...and I am not buying it. he told me I should have knocked on the door etc, easy to say after the fact. What is troubling to me is that he says he never had company, and although we discuss most of what is happening he never said he had a friend in or staying the night.

 

I sort of had a talk with him after dinner; I stayed over at his house and was sick in my stomach most of the time I was there. I looked for signs and didnt see anything much that someone else had been there although in the past I found he had hidden some eyecream and my toothbrush where sometimes it is just laying out where I left it.

 

I told him I was bummed seeing the car there and it hurt. I told him if he was dating a bunch of different people that I didnt want to be a part of that. He said he could understand...but did not say he wasnt seeing others. He said I was just left with assumption. Also the fact a couple weeks ago a girl I knew from school sent me a message on face book and told me about his past and how he had hurt her...he became very angry and deleted and blocked her...and he said since she had just done such a thing and for me to see a strange car at his house he understood why I would think it.

 

I still think it was another woman as he didnt try overly hard to convince me otherwise other than saying he would try to get this guy to come and meet me; we all know buddies will cover for each other. I am still left in the dark wondering what his feelings are for me and if this is something serious to him. Just feeling sick and stressed over the whole thing. I do want something with his man, but yes, I dont trust him because of his age and also his past. He told me of a relationship a couple years ago where he was dating someone and her family saw him out at a restuarant on a date with another woman. He was angry with the family for telling the other girl eh was dating, not understanding why they would be upset when she thought there was something between them.

 

I really dont know how to evoke the exclusive talk. I wonder why he is not doing it. All i know is he is still here. Would he be putting in the effort to call and text daily if I am just one of many>

 

Why not tell him you've been thinking and are not comfortable having a physical relationship when there isn't exclusivity. If anything he'll re spect you more and that will at least bring up the topic. If he's not willing to be exclusive I would take that as he isn't willing to not date others and that he is still looking or staying open. Have some self respect!!!

[elaine567]

My worry is getting my heart ripped out again...I think where I have built this up is the fact I have been cheated on and found out in the most harsh of ways...blindsided. Also, this man being younger and has told me his history...

Huge red flag - self admitted "man whore"

and I cant help but to worry I am another notch in his belt. he is putting in the time and effort, but again...no clarity on where this is going.

It is up to you to have the exclusivity chat, if this is what you want.

 

He tells me it was a male friend that was at his house. The story doesnt add up at all...and I am not buying it. he told me I should have knocked on the door etc, easy to say after the fact. What is troubling to me is that he says he never had company, and although we discuss most of what is happening he never said he had a friend in or staying the night.

I think you are correct, if you are in contact a lot, he would have said something about his friend coming over.

 

I sort of had a talk with him after dinner; I stayed over at his house and was sick in my stomach most of the time I was there. I looked for signs and didnt see anything much that someone else had been there although in the past I found he had hidden some eyecream and my toothbrush where sometimes it is just laying out where I left it.

You stayed over despite having no evidence to say you are exclusive, he has no reason to commit to you, why would he? He gets what he wants anyway. Make sure you are checked for STDs.

 

I told him I was bummed seeing the car there and it hurt. I told him if he was dating a bunch of different people that I didnt want to be a part of that. He said he could understand...but did not say he wasnt seeing others.

.

..Red flag this was an opportunity to say he is only dating you, but he dodged it.

 

Also the fact a couple weeks ago a girl I knew from school sent me a message on face book and told me about his past and how he had hurt her...he became very angry and deleted and blocked her...

- He getting rid of anyone that could cause him trouble, rather than take responsibility for his ways. Angry at her because HE had hurt her... Hmmm!

He blocked her from YOUR account, is that right?

 

He told me of a relationship a couple years ago where he was dating someone and her family saw him out at a restuarant on a date with another woman. He was angry with the family for telling the other girl eh was dating, not understanding why they would be upset when she thought there was something between them...

Massive red flag - blames her family for telling her, rather than himself for cheating on her. She probably assumed exclusivity too, or he led her to believe they were exclusive.

 

Would he be putting in the effort to call and text daily if I am just one of many>

Yes, if you are one of the cards in his deck, he keeps you sweet and picks you up when he feels like it. He doesn't want you seeing other guys, so a call and a text keeps you on-side, whilst he does what he likes.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Ok now I just believe you're just dumb if you stick around, the guys already got a history you know about to boot with drama out in the open that doesn't become exposed so easily and over nothing, if you think you're something "special" then the jokes on you...unfortunately this is why so many men find it incredibly easy to play women with half truths and excuses that don't even add up once she's developed feelings, you can't even make the right decisions even though you've got a combination of itching signs setting off your alarms...it seems as if nearly no woman can save herself from this kind of drama without some kind of absolute...and then you wonder why you get hurt.

 

If you can't be smart and make wise decisions, then you can't just blame the men when you're just letting yourself down...they're not going to come out and tell you what they're up to, just like a salesman isn't going to tell you you're paying too much, you've got to have two marbles rolling around in your head that tell you it isn't worth it and actually move on and to trust your gut, or else this Is how you waste your own time...it's silly, because even though you've learned better you may still make the same decisions and you're obviously interested in certain type of men and not using better standards for yourself....and if you're scared to communicate and mess things up then you're serving yourself up on a platter for men...you're making it stupid easy to manipulate you and that's what makes these men feel so empowered and boost their ego because of the control they have in spite of the clues that expose them and their typical agenda.

 

But nope, need to get your teeth knocked out with a sledgehammer before you finally get it through your head...it's all on you, and you're failing yourself right now.

 

Even the damn moderator moves the thread to the cheating section, even he gets it!

[CryMeARiver]

I did a facebook search for the name of this friend he gave me, the one who stayed at his house...no friend by that name on his list. I am supposed to see him tomorrow night for New Years eve, I am going to point blank ask him...and not to lie, if he is dating other people. Im scared of the answer, but I cant take this crap anymore.

[CryMeARiver]

Elaine, he deleted and blocked her from HIS FB list. He also showed me where she sent him a message the same day with her number and for her to come see him. So she more than likely is telling the truth, but still trying to poke around to see if he will come back around. I feel like asking her more, but afraid it will cause more trouble,.,.,

[CryMeARiver]

Question: on asking him about if he is dating others...and since I am too scared to do it in person lol...would it be appropriate to ask him via text or IM?

[elaine567]

Elaine, he deleted and blocked her from HIS FB list. He also showed me where she sent him a message the same day with her number and for her to come see him. So she more than likely is telling the truth, but still trying to poke around to see if he will come back around. I feel like asking her more, but afraid it will cause more trouble,.,.,

 

OK, you said she tried to message you, so I thought it might be your account.

 

He seems to be a "popular" boy with the women... but do not be fooled that you can tame him, that you are "the one", because that is what some women do, they lie to themselves about how interested he is in them and they go into competition with other women for his attention.

Men like that love it, because he has a whole lot of women trying their best to get him, so they are all especially nice to him and he flits from one to the other with no responsiblity whatsoever.

[elaine567]

Question: on asking him about if he is dating others...and since I am too scared to do it in person lol...would it be appropriate to ask him via text or IM?

 

No, do it face to face so you can then see his reaction and gauge how true it seems. If he says he doesn't want exclusivity or is evasive, then believe him and walk away as I doubt with your past history you can cope.

 

Text is easy.

You: Are we exclusive?

Him: Sure we are baby.

Meanwhile... (stroking some other woman in his bed at the same time)

[DrReplyInRhymes]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. I have read each and everyone and taking all into account. On the stalker issue...I can understand where some of you see where it is wrong. Am I proud of it? No. My worry is getting my heart ripped out again...I think where I have built this up is the fact I have been cheated on and found out in the most harsh of ways...blindsided. Also, this man being younger and has told me his history...self admitted "man whore" and I cant help but to worry I am another notch in his belt. he is putting in the time and effort, but again...no clarity on where this is going.

 

He tells me it was a male friend that was at his house. The story doesnt add up at all...and I am not buying it. he told me I should have knocked on the door etc, easy to say after the fact. What is troubling to me is that he says he never had company, and although we discuss most of what is happening he never said he had a friend in or staying the night.

 

I sort of had a talk with him after dinner; I stayed over at his house and was sick in my stomach most of the time I was there. I looked for signs and didnt see anything much that someone else had been there although in the past I found he had hidden some eyecream and my toothbrush where sometimes it is just laying out where I left it.

 

I told him I was bummed seeing the car there and it hurt. I told him if he was dating a bunch of different people that I didnt want to be a part of that. He said he could understand...but did not say he wasnt seeing others. He said I was just left with assumption. Also the fact a couple weeks ago a girl I knew from school sent me a message on face book and told me about his past and how he had hurt her...he became very angry and deleted and blocked her...and he said since she had just done such a thing and for me to see a strange car at his house he understood why I would think it.

 

I still think it was another woman as he didnt try overly hard to convince me otherwise other than saying he would try to get this guy to come and meet me; we all know buddies will cover for each other. I am still left in the dark wondering what his feelings are for me and if this is something serious to him. Just feeling sick and stressed over the whole thing. I do want something with his man, but yes, I dont trust him because of his age and also his past. He told me of a relationship a couple years ago where he was dating someone and her family saw him out at a restuarant on a date with another woman. He was angry with the family for telling the other girl eh was dating, not understanding why they would be upset when she thought there was something between them.

 

I really dont know how to evoke the exclusive talk. I wonder why he is not doing it. All i know is he is still here. Would he be putting in the effort to call and text daily if I am just one of many>

 

So the real issue is that you don't trust him at all,

Even when he gives his story, you're looking for a flaw.

He could be telling the truth, he could be lying as a cliche,

You won't find the truth asking him for answers you don't believe anyway.

 

IN MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, if someone says they are going to bed,

and you happen to drive by to see a car parked there instead,

It definitely raises questions, and being wary is ok,

but your trust issues ARE YOURS, and they aren't his to waylay.

[CryMeARiver]

It's a mess, folks. I have often pondered why we can give the best and most clear advice on such things, but when you are in the middle of it nothing makes sense.

I just talked to him a while ago and he says he is NOT dating anyone else, that he has issues because of what he has been thru in the past. I have two choices, to take him at his word and let it play out a little longer, or flee.

 

 

I do think I need emotional distance and be able to refocus on myself. I realize I must have feelings for him (duh) or I wouldn't be freaking. I still cant shake my inner gut feeling. I have always been right before; but appreciate the fact I may be freaking soley from those experiences. He has been up front about his sorrid past; maybe it was TMI.

 

 

Thanks to you all for the time to respond, I will keep you up to date. May we all find true love and happiness...

[ascendotum]

Not only that, the discussion should have been brought up prior to intimacy, this is where things go badly but it happens. The only way to deal with it in that case is to hit the reset button. Tell the man that you like him, what you are looking for in general out of dating and take the opportunity for sex out of the picture for a while if he says he doesn't know if he wants that with her yet and she still wants to see him (don't actually say sex is off the table, just don't stay over, etc because you need to be home for whatever reason).

 

I am not going to tell a woman i am committing to a relationship prior to sleeping with her. I am happy though to have have a chat about exclusivity prior to sex, and come to an agreement that I will not sleep with others during the getting to know you better intimate phase.

 

If he continues to see you without the intimacy, he is likely hoping for more out of the relationship. 9 times out of 10, when she opens this discussion though, he will cut her loose right then and there. If he doesn't, there's still some hope.

The thing is for some guys while they ares dating a woman for weeks/months and there is no intimacy they feel they are not in a relationship and the woman has not committed to him, so they will continue to keep their options open and see other women and sleep with them if the opportunity presents itself. They will be able to ride out that time easy enough without getting oneitis. Some guys are like this and some aren't.