CRUSHED: He has another woman at his house tonight...

[elaine567]

Many articles I have read says it is a bad idea to force the talk. it concerns me he hasnt....but will the above be considered the talk?

 

The talk you need to have is the exclusive talk and the condom talk.

As you are sleeping with him, this is all about your health. STDs can be treated but they can, if undiagnosed or improperly treated cause infertility and as a young woman you do not want to risk that, no matter how you may feel about more kids at the moment.

 

The commitment talk and the "do you love me?" talk is a separate issue and with the way things are going, I would leave that be for a while

 

Edit: I was assuming you are not using the condom as the only means of contraception here.

If the condom is your only means of contraception, then make sure he wears it always, a pregnancy with this man just now would be a disaster.

Edited January 5, 2015 by elaine567

[kendahke]

Hey all, thanks for the replies. I have read each and everyone and taking all into account. On the stalker issue...I can understand where some of you see where it is wrong. Am I proud of it? No. My worry is getting my heart ripped out again...I think where I have built this up is the fact I have been cheated on and found out in the most harsh of ways...blindsided. Also, this man being younger and has told me his history...self admitted "man whore" and I cant help but to worry I am another notch in his belt. he is putting in the time and effort, but again...no clarity on where this is going.

 

He tells me it was a male friend that was at his house. The story doesnt add up at all...and I am not buying it. he told me I should have knocked on the door etc, easy to say after the fact. What is troubling to me is that he says he never had company, and although we discuss most of what is happening he never said he had a friend in or staying the night.

 

I sort of had a talk with him after dinner; I stayed over at his house and was sick in my stomach most of the time I was there. I looked for signs and didnt see anything much that someone else had been there although in the past I found he had hidden some eyecream and my toothbrush where sometimes it is just laying out where I left it.

 

I told him I was bummed seeing the car there and it hurt. I told him if he was dating a bunch of different people that I didnt want to be a part of that. He said he could understand...but did not say he wasnt seeing others. He said I was just left with assumption. Also the fact a couple weeks ago a girl I knew from school sent me a message on face book and told me about his past and how he had hurt her...he became very angry and deleted and blocked her...and he said since she had just done such a thing and for me to see a strange car at his house he understood why I would think it.

 

I still think it was another woman as he didnt try overly hard to convince me otherwise other than saying he would try to get this guy to come and meet me; we all know buddies will cover for each other. I am still left in the dark wondering what his feelings are for me and if this is something serious to him. Just feeling sick and stressed over the whole thing. I do want something with his man, but yes, I dont trust him because of his age and also his past. He told me of a relationship a couple years ago where he was dating someone and her family saw him out at a restuarant on a date with another woman. He was angry with the family for telling the other girl eh was dating, not understanding why they would be upset when she thought there was something between them.

 

I really dont know how to evoke the exclusive talk. I wonder why he is not doing it. All i know is he is still here. Would he be putting in the effort to call and text daily if I am just one of many>

 

Do both of you a favor and just end this.

 

No matter what he says, as far as you're concerned, he's a baldfaced liar.

 

You've decided that he can't be trusted and if you can't trust him, why be with him? You're kneecapping yourself before running a marathon. You are not going to get past the starting line. Might as well just go home.

 

I dunno, but when one of my friends is in town for a night or two, I will ask them if they want to post up at my place. I don't consider it a "sleep over" or other derogatory terms. They're a friend, I've got room, I offer the invite and I don't have to clear it with anyone I'm not in a serious relationship with.

 

Something to consider: if he really wanted to hide it from you, common sense says he'd have had the woman park the car in the garage or on the street so you could not see it or draw any conclusions.

 

What is clear is that you still have quite a bit of work you need to get done with your unresolved issues from your past relationships. This man isn't even exclusive with you and you're making him carry what your ex's have done to you. Until you are no longer vested in making yourself sick and stressed, you should be by yourself and fix what needs fixing. That onus is on you, not him or any other man.

Edited January 5, 2015 by kendahke

[beach]

What happened with your "talk"?

[CryMeARiver]

Thanks for asking Beach! Here is an update!

 

 

I took a whole day before we could sit down and talk about things. I asked him how he felt about dating exclusively (not bf and GF yet as to not freak him out) but to be clear where we are. He was agreeable! We discussed the car some more...he still insists it was his male friend from out of town. I'm not sure if I believe him on that...but only a little more time will tell what kind of guy he is. I also brought up using protection before the exclusive talk...said I feared pregnancy and of course VD is we are not exclusive...he said he could understand my concerns (which kind of worried me that he was admitting to sleeping with others). He says its better to be safe than sorry and eluded to it was more of worrying about pregnancy. he said he really liked me a lot and wanted to get to know each other more...see if we can handle the good and bad in each other before putting too much pressure on each of us. Does this sound reasonable?

 

 

I am still worried of course about THE car. But feeling better we have discussed some boundaries...this was the first time we had really talked at depth about us. he also promised to be more affectionate as far as holding hands or etc and that he had issue with that from past stuff but he was trying. Things went better than I thought...I actually thought it was going to be the end and we would break up! He didn't flee or tell me he didn't want a relationship when I brought up dating exclusively, and of course the BF GF talk will have to happen another month or two down the road. LOL Ive had all I can talk right now and have to rest from this stress.

 

 

Thanks all for the great advice, it really helped me in speaking to him. For anyone in the future that might be in the need to have this talk...the best piece of advice I can give is to not be emotional (IE crying or begging or nagging). Being calm really helped HIM in opening up some I think and I don't feel I forced him into agreeing to date exclusive this way...I gave him ample chance to bow out if his intentions were not pure. Any other thoguhts appreciated!

[Diezel]

I hate to say this, but you are always going to be worried about THE car until you actually see this person and THE car.

 

I don't get it though... how is being exclusive not the same as being bf/gf? I thought that's what being exclusive meant?

[bathtub-row]

Men rarely bow out, no matter how much opportunity you give them. Sorry, I'm not as encouraged as you are by this convo. First of all, feeling good that you're finally talking about your relationship -- it only happened because you initiated it. Secondly, having to tell a guy to be more affectionate is a really bad sign. I know you think his past means something but it doesn't. When a man is motivated, his past doesn't mean didly.

 

Now here you are, still under the shadow of his lie and still wondering about it. You just put yourself in a position to spend more time with him and make it even harder to leave. I guess I'm missing how things are better.

 

Btw, OF COURSE he doesn't want you to get pregnant! You make it sound like the two of you were agreeing on a really unusual point. Hate to say it, but this convo, for him, was code for: I just got away with a lie.

[CryMeARiver]

I hate to say this, but you are always going to be worried about THE car until you actually see this person and THE car.

 

I don't get it though... how is being exclusive not the same as being bf/gf? I thought that's what being exclusive meant?

 

Hi Diezel....being new to this modern dating world, I am a little foggy. But was reading around online and see there are steps such as dating, dating exclusivly (which is pre relationship and agreeing not to see others while you figure "it" out with each other) and then a committed relationship. Back in the day, you either were or were NOT. I guess things are different.

I am not totally settled, no. But after this talk will see how he acts in the next week to two weeks...if things "feel" a little different. After all, our intuition is powerful...and thus how all this crap got started by me feeling some unknown need to drive by his house. I think the thing that got me that night was he was extra wordy and sweet in his text message.

[CryMeARiver]

Men rarely bow out, no matter how much opportunity you give them. Sorry, I'm not as encouraged as you are by this convo. First of all, feeling good that you're finally talking about your relationship -- it only happened because you initiated it. Secondly, having to tell a guy to be more affectionate is a really bad sign. I know you think his past means something but it doesn't. When a man is motivated, his past doesn't mean didly.

 

Now here you are, still under the shadow of his lie and still wondering about it. You just put yourself in a position to spend more time with him and make it even harder to leave. I guess I'm missing how things are better.

 

Btw, OF COURSE he doesn't want you to get pregnant! You make it sound like the two of you were agreeing on a really unusual point. Hate to say it, but this convo, for him, was code for: I just got away with a lie.

Touche. He is the one who brought up being more affectionate as far as cuddling etc...which I have noticed he is getting better. In the beginning of dating after initial intimacy, I stopped getting even kisses hello. When he brought it up, I pounced on the subject in asking him how it makes him feel etc.

[bathtub-row]

This is like couples having to go to counseling before getting married. I mean, really? It's already too much work. (Not to be confused with couples who choose counseling to cover their bases, opposed to going because of deep seated problems.)

 

Hands down, I have NEVER had a guy I was dating/sleeping with, not kiss me when he saw me. You guys have too many issues right out of the starting gate. Relationships should not be this complicated.

[SunnySide0418]

Proceed with caution. All this drama doesn't bode well for your future with him. It's way too soon to be having issues like this. This is the honeymoon phase where everything is supposed to be perfect!! Best of luck. My best advice would be to keep listening to your gut.

[smuggy95]

yeah, if I were him and wanting to reassure a woman I wasn't sleeping with other people, I would have said straight up "Ok, you're right about using protection to prevent pregnancy. But just to be clear, I haven't been sleeping with anyone else, that's why I didn't use a condom in the past. If that changes, we should let each other know."

[michellew]

Relationships should not be this complicated.

 

I agree, especially after only a couple of months!

[stillafool]

 

I also brought up using protection before the exclusive talk...said I feared pregnancy and of course VD is we are not exclusive...he said he could understand my concerns (which kind of worried me that he was admitting to sleeping with others). He says its better to be safe than sorry and eluded to it was more of worrying about pregnancy.

 

 

 

So basically he didn't assure you that he WASN'T sleeping with other women but he will use a condom to make sure you don't get pregnant or catch VD. Really nothing has changed except now he will use protection. Did he use it this time?

[elaine567]

. Relationships should not be this complicated.

If a person with trust issues due to being let down in previous relationships, dates a self confessed man-wh0re, who apparently is not that affectionate and has not declared his exclusivity, then things get complicated pretty quick.

[kendahke]

We discussed the car some more...he still insists it was his male friend from out of town. I'm not sure if I believe him on that..

 

Then why are you throwing in with a liar?

 

the rest of the post is immaterial.

[Spectre]

I know in this messed up dating world, unless you have the talk all is free reign.

 

See I disagree 100% with this. For me, I think it is a huge cop out and excuse for people to mess around with others while they are dating someone. In other words it is the ultimate way for someone to have their cake and eat it too. For me, you should be having "the talk" if you guys are going to decide you are going to date other people. It would be one thing if you guys only went out on a single date, but you've been dating for months you said. So sorry, that is common sense: if you are dating one person and you are going to go date another at the same time and you guys have not had any talks about being exclusive one way or the other? It is INCREDIBLY disrespectful to not give your partner a heads up on your plans.

 

I think if a person intends to date you and others at the same time THEY need to be the ones having "the talk" with you. I won't say it is cheating, but it is definitely a sign the person you are with doesn't give a f*ck about you.

Edited January 7, 2015 by Spectre

[samaraa]

Really think you need to watch out, OP. He sent a photo of the male friend who supposedly came over, in a lame attempt to placate you, but never sent a photo of the car--even after you asked. It's a no-brainer to guess why.

[beach]

I didn't see you say he really intended to be exclusive and committed to only you. He seems evasive - skewed in his favor. Just enough words so you take it as a positive but it doesn't give you a firm answer.

 

And you've had sex and no protection? Girl are you crazy? What if you do get pregnant or he's given you a disease? Please get tested as soon as possible.

 

Please begin interpreting his words as they are - an evasive guy who isn't really begging to be committed to only you.

 

If I were you I think I'd tell him to buzz off so you can find a guy that makes you his top priority.

 

A man who wants only you won't use those words he's using on you. He seems like a player and a liar.

[beach]

Hi Diezel....being new to this modern dating world, I am a little foggy. But was reading around online and see there are steps such as dating, dating exclusivly (which is pre relationship and agreeing not to see others while you figure "it" out with each other) and then a committed relationship. Back in the day, you either were or were NOT. I guess things are different.

I am not totally settled, no. But after this talk will see how he acts in the next week to two weeks...if things "feel" a little different. After all, our intuition is powerful...and thus how all this crap got started by me feeling some unknown need to drive by his house. I think the thing that got me that night was he was extra wordy and sweet in his text message.

 

But your intuition has already kicked you yet you keep ignoring those prompts that show he's a liar and a player.

 

Why not date an honest guy who prioritized you?

[veggirl]

Really think you need to watch out, OP. He sent a photo of the male friend who supposedly came over, in a lame attempt to placate you, but never sent a photo of the car--even after you asked. It's a no-brainer to guess why.

 

precisely.

 

OP this is all waaay too much drama for such a short relationship. there is not a chance in hell of this actually being a healthy, long lasting relationship. you have had to have countless "talks" already and tbh he probably thinks you are drama, a crazy girl to screw while he passes the time. and HE is a liar!!!

[elaine567]

I don't know about CryMeARiver having trust issues, but reading this thread, I even feel like going over to his place to see whose car it is...

I would be driving by every night...

[regine_phalange]

he said he really liked me a lot and wanted to get to know each other more...see if we can handle the good and bad in each other before putting too much pressure on each of us. Does this sound reasonable?

 

No... Leaving the car incident aside (I do think he lies), he's using logic too much, I feel that he is certainly not crazy about you.

[CryMeARiver]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

On the question if he is using protection: YES he is, and is insistent on a condom now.

 

I am not sure how I feel. I still feel huge anxiety in ways. He has called much this week and came over and spent night before last and yesterday with me till I went to work. He mentioned going out to dinner and taking a day trip to a town a couple hours a way on the next day. I do feel after the talk he is being more accountable for the time I am not with him. One night he called me at midnight as he was going to bed. Then he called me twice the next day...and came over that evening after I got off work.

 

I would like to talk to him more about the exclusive thing, but am worried it will cause him to be defensive. I really dont know what to do people! Other than the obvious...would a man really invest effort in me if he was stringing me along? Could it be possible it simply takes some men longer to come to self terms to be exclusive and cut out the other side dishes? I do feel I am not a priority and he is keeping some emotional distance, although he talks increasingly more to me about his past, exes, childhood issues, career strife in past, and so on. He does make a point to hold me when we go to sleep with kisses hello and goodbye, and told me he is working on being better with it.

 

I think back to our talk and other things I said to him...is this a FWB? Are you interested only in keeping this casual? Does "this" have an expiration date? I also told him I dont want to be used or fooled or treated like an idiot. I wanted honesty and to feel safe. I really dont know what else to say to him...could he be cleaning up any thing else going on extra curricular to give this a shot?

[CryMeARiver]

Really think you need to watch out, OP. He sent a photo of the male friend who supposedly came over, in a lame attempt to placate you, but never sent a photo of the car--even after you asked. It's a no-brainer to guess why.

 

On this issue, he said he borrows various family member cars when he is in town. Yes, sounds lame.

[beach]

You keep having sex with him. If you really want to determine if he likes you or just the sex - then eliminate the sex for a long time and see how much effort he makes to see you.

 

Does he take you out on dates? How often? How often just staying in at home having sex?